Can a marriage survive??

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  • Dave198lbs
    Dave198lbs Posts: 8,810 Member
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    we are all *kitten*...all men..all women

    every last one of us

    some hide it

    some deny it

    some get caught

    accepting this truth makes every thing much easier
  • RunIntheMud
    RunIntheMud Posts: 2,645 Member
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    Still would like to hear what these guys say after they cheated. What to they say the reason was?

    Mine said he liked variety.....yeah. He's a winner. Anyway....

    In my case, I completely forgave him the first time. It was 3 months before his deployment, we had our newborn and a 6yr old at home. It took about a month for me to really think hard about what I wanted and needed in our marriage, but he convinced me that it would never happen again. I can say that I completely forgave him, he promised to cut off contact with her and when he deployed all was well with us. 4 months into the deployment, after not contacting me for a month, I found out that he was still in contact with her, as well as seeking his "variety". That was my breaking point and it was over.

    However, I have heard of marriages surviving infidelity. It just depends on how bad BOTH spouses want it to work. To make it work, you have to be able to totally forgive. This means no throwing it in his face every time you get mad. If you aren't going to be able to do that, and if he's not going to stop his behavior, then it won't work.
  • Jacwhite22
    Jacwhite22 Posts: 7,012 Member
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    Take him back and give him another chance. Remind him about it as often as you can though to help keep him on track not to do it again. He will appreciate the friendly reminders.
  • ShellyBell999
    ShellyBell999 Posts: 1,482 Member
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    My husband had an affair... I caught him. He lied

    No :brokenheart:
  • thoseblueeyes
    thoseblueeyes Posts: 812 Member
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    My husband always knew there are 3 things that I would NEVER EVER give him a second chance and they were if he lied, cheated or hit me I was done. He never did any of those things. I believe marriage is based on trust. If he cheated there is no trust. I would not give him a second chance. I have more respect for myself and know I deserve someone that loves and adores me, I wish you luck on whatever you decide to do.
  • StrawberrySt
    StrawberrySt Posts: 235
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    My parents marriage survived my father cheating on my mother. She had 5 kids and they were together for 15 years when he cheated.

    The marriage may have survived (and they were together until she died 4 years ago - 26 years) but their relationship was never the same. She held it against him for the rest of their relatiionship and it wasn't healthy. Sometimes i wished they would just break up and be happy apart.

    It really is your decision because every situation is different
  • chasingpavements24
    chasingpavements24 Posts: 107 Member
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    I'm always a bit weary when people say "my marriage survived, and it's stronger than ever"! I just don't get how the person who was cheated on and betrayed can vow love and fidelity to a person that couldn't do it for them. I don't get how that person completely lets go of all resentment.

    Also, just because you never find out about another affair doesn't mean it never happened - in my experience, once a cheater, always a cheater. Especially if they have gotten away with it the first time.
  • murphey05
    murphey05 Posts: 23
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    Trust is so important. If you can't trust him anymore, than it will not survive. If you believe in him and think he will not cheat again and you both work at it and you both can move on, then yes, it can survive, but it won't be easy at all!
  • CierraLouise
    CierraLouise Posts: 16
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    I've been dealing with something like this too. I have alot of male friends and my husband doesn't like it at all. I have actually grown very close to one of my friends and have devloped feelings towards him. I've never met him we have only talked on the phone and texted. And I poured my heart out to my husband telling him what I needed from him and out of our relationship and the past week he has been trying and has been getting better. It's so hard now to walk away from someone that I have grown to really care about and treats me the way I want to be treated. Well last night my husband kinda had it. He packed his bags sent me a text that said goodbye and told me that he would find another place to live tomorrow. I just feel so broken.
  • Flamenquero
    Flamenquero Posts: 132
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    Still would like to hear what these guys say after they cheated. What do they say the reason was?

    Mine said he liked variety.....yeah. He's a winner. Anyway....

    For the reason above, this appears to be a hardwired issue. I don't believe that can be changed.

    Anybody else got the reasons on why these guys say they did it?
  • TiffanyW1014
    TiffanyW1014 Posts: 614 Member
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    Still would like to hear what these guys say after they cheated. What do they say the reason was?

    Mine said he liked variety.....yeah. He's a winner. Anyway....

    For the reason above, this appears to be a hardwired issue. I don't believe that can be changed.

    Anybody else got the reasons on why these guys say they did it?

    He said we just lost touch. He also thought I was cheating on him becasue I started losing weight. Really his answers were stupid with no real reason and that is making hte situation harder. He started out as friends with this girl then things got more serious. I do take some of the blame but I did shut him out when I got the feeling he was cheating!
  • Flamenquero
    Flamenquero Posts: 132
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    He said we just lost touch. He also thought I was cheating on him becasue I started losing weight.

    Was he right about the losing touch part or was that just an excuse of his? Did he give you any specifics? Were you COMPLETELY blindsided by this?

    We are socialized into thinking that our partners are cheating when they lose weight. I'm sure you hear this at work, "She's losing weight, she must be on the make."
  • PomegranatePriestess
    PomegranatePriestess Posts: 2,455 Member
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    It can. My husband and I have some very dear friends where this is the case...she had an affair and they managed to work things out. This was several years ago now and they are probably stronger now than they were before. I think it made them both re-evaluate what they had and prioritize what was important to them. Both people need to be mature adults and both need to want to work it out. Communication is so important in a marriage, especially in this situation. Good luck.

    ^ ^ ^ This.

    I have friends and this is the case with them: they are stronger than before. Why? Partially because when this happened, it opened the door for both of them to admit what they felt the relationship had been lacking before. It made them realize what they had with each other, where things had gone wrong, and what they were both willing to do to make it better. Both of them were able to admit how their behavior leading up to the affair led to the affair... both of them were able to state very clearly what their expectations were, and respond to the other person's expectations in a positive way. Basically, they came clean, owned their sh--, and agreed that they wanted to work through it.

    It hasn't been "easy" and they occasionally have to handle insecurity issues, but they are both fully committed to the relationship.

    I hope things work out for the best for you, whatever course you take.
  • Alicia92860
    Alicia92860 Posts: 19 Member
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    My husband and I had a similar situation we ultimately divorced then 3 years later got back together and remarried. I forgave him but i do think about it alot, I trust him now and he does not give me any reason to not trust him however you have to ask yourself can you really forgive and let it go because if you cannot then it will kill you on the inside. Sometimes staying together is not always the answer.
  • maab_connor
    maab_connor Posts: 3,927 Member
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    cheating is a symptom. something more is going on. you guys need to go to a marriage counselor and get to the real underlying problems. if you're willing to put in the work, the time, the heartbreak, then you'll end up happy with whatever decision you make.

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