I Am Adam Lanzas Mother
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I read this yesterday. It is terrifying.0
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It was a really moving article. I'd love to be able to just take it "as-is". But Adam Lanza's mother also kept guns in the house with her mentally unstable child. I really feel awful for mothers of children who show violence through their mental illnesses, but Adam Lanza's mother is partially responsible for this event. As far as I've read, she was a responsible gun owner herself, and tried to teach her kid safe handling of a firearm, but he was mentally ill from childhood and there were numerous signs of violence in his personality. You can't expect a young adult who suffers from mental illness to be responsible with a gun.
I have younger family members with different degrees of autism (some violent on occasion) and while they are wonderful, caring people most of the time as individuals, there are some things that most human beings can handle that they cannot. They're not ever going to own guns because they don't have the capacity to be responsible with them 100% of the time, and they don't have the ability to regulate violent impulses like these. It sucks but that's reality. You can love someone unconditionally as your child and still retain awareness of what they are capable of. You can't deny that their brain doesn't function the way yours does.
I'm a huge advocate for awareness of mental health in the US. These kids are generally over-medicated and misunderstood. Mental illness is extremely costly to deal with. It's really shameful.0 -
State run hospitals were shuttered because they are the most inhumane places ever conceived to warehouse and sedate (not treat) the mentally ill.
And until they hurt someone and declare criminally insane, there is nothing that a free society can do.
We are not North Korea or China. We cannot force adults to take medication against their will when they haven't done anything to harm someone else.
With freedom comes risk. I'd rather live with the risk than in a society that locks people up because they "might" commit a violent crime.
I'm not suggesting my son be locked up because he might commit a crime. I'm suggesting that services be offered to keep him in an environment that helps him NOT become violent.
More importantly, we should recognize that the state institutions have not been shuttered...they've just be re-labeled as prisons. And instead of any kind of treatment, the patients are subjected to the state's loving care in that environment.0 -
It was a really moving article. I'd love to be able to just take it "as-is". But Adam Lanza's mother also kept guns in the house with her mentally unstable child. I really feel awful for mothers of children who show violence through their mental illnesses, but Adam Lanza's mother is partially responsible for this event. As far as I've read, she was a responsible gun owner herself, and tried to teach her kid safe handling of a firearm, but he was mentally ill from childhood and there were numerous signs of violence in his personality. You can't expect a young adult who suffers from mental illness to be responsible with a gun.
I have younger family members with different degrees of autism (some violent on occasion) and while they are wonderful, caring people most of the time as individuals, there are some things that most human beings can handle that they cannot. They're not ever going to own guns because they don't have the capacity to be responsible with them 100% of the time, and they don't have the ability to regulate violent impulses like these. It sucks but that's reality. You can love someone unconditionally as your child and still retain awareness of what they are capable of. You can't deny that their brain doesn't function the way yours does.
Another reason why we need to address this violence as a mental health issue. Parents of these kids need to have an informed and realistic view of their world.
I was a competitive shooter for more than 20 years. I co-authored a book on gun laws in the state of Virginia. I've had articles published on 2nd Amendment issues. My wedding gift from my wife was a custom combat competition pistol. All that considered, when my son's condition became apparent, I sold all my guns.0 -
My older son is bipolar. We went through YEARS of ER visits, violence, police, psychiatrists. It was hell. The ONLY thing that finally got him the help he needed was going to DCF, asking for help, and giving partial custody to of my child to them, so that he could be on state health insurance (I have health insurance, but they refused to pay for the kind of help my son needed, and kept sending him home from the hospital even after a suicide attempt) and put into a group home. I thank GOODNESS that my son is now stable and has been for years, and is in college and has a job and is a functioning adult on his way to being able to be on his own. He still has struggles, but there have been no more hospital visits, no more violence, and my younger son is no longer afraid. I cannot even imagine the pain of trying to get help and never getting it. We should NEVER EVER give up on these children that need help, not even after they reach adulthood. There is no excuse for these tragedies, but there is also no excuse for our health care and compassion for others being as broken as it is right now.
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State run hospitals were shuttered because they are the most inhumane places ever conceived to warehouse and sedate (not treat) the mentally ill.
And until they hurt someone and declare criminally insane, there is nothing that a free society can do.
We are not North Korea or China. We cannot force adults to take medication against their will when they haven't done anything to harm someone else.
With freedom comes risk. I'd rather live with the risk than in a society that locks people up because they "might" commit a violent crime.
I'm not suggesting my son be locked up because he might commit a crime. I'm suggesting that services be offered to keep him in an environment that helps him NOT become violent.
More importantly, we should recognize that the state institutions have not been shuttered...they've just be re-labeled as prisons. And instead of any kind of treatment, the patients are subjected to the state's loving care in that environment.
Do any of you live in CT? If you did then you would know that they shut down all the mental hospitals in the state due to lack of money (hello, CT is BROKE!) and just kicked all the mentally ill patients out onto the streets. They have nurses who drive around and deliver the meds to them and make sure they take them (I know this because my SIL is one of the nurses who does this) but these people are out and about walking around in society. I'm sorry but I don't agree that a mental hospital isn't the way to go for some of these people. Flame me, call me cruel but some people need to be locked up period. Just because they are on their meds doesn't mean that they're stable and fine.0 -
My older son is bipolar. We went through YEARS of ER visits, violence, police, psychiatrists. It was hell. The ONLY thing that finally got him the help he needed was going to DCF, asking for help, and giving partial custody to of my child to them, so that he could be on state health insurance (I have health insurance, but they refused to pay for the kind of help my son needed, and kept sending him home from the hospital even after a suicide attempt) and put into a group home. I thank GOODNESS that my son is now stable and has been for years, and is in college and has a job and is a functioning adult on his way to being able to be on his own. He still has struggles, but there have been no more hospital visits, no more violence, and my younger son is no longer afraid. I cannot even imagine the pain of trying to get help and never getting it. We should NEVER EVER give up on these children that need help, not even after they reach adulthood. There is no excuse for these tragedies, but there is also no excuse for our health care and compassion for others being as broken as it is right now.
Most of the time, the worst for bipolar kids is during adolescence due to the imbalances in hormones. But I do agree with you, these kids need support on into adulthood.0 -
Another reason why we need to address this violence as a mental health issue. Parents of these kids need to have an informed and realistic view of their world.
I was a competitive shooter for more than 20 years. I co-authored a book on gun laws in the state of Virginia. I've had articles published on 2nd Amendment issues. My wedding gift from my wife was a custom combat competition pistol. All that considered, when my son's condition became apparent, I sold all my guns.
I really understand and appreciate your stance on this. I think it takes a responsible person of the highest caliber (oh god the pun... oh god) to sacrifice something important to them because their children's safety is more important. Stricter gun regulations don't make individuals more responsible with their legal firearms. I think a lesser person than you would have seen it as "I need to exercise my 2nd amendment rights no matter what". Having a right also means exercising responsibility. I'm not too surprised that people are trying to make this a "pro-gun/anti-gun" argument. But the real issue is mental health and without making real strides in that area, we will continue to have people who have the impulse to carry out unthinkable acts like this.
You are a rare person, I'm glad there are parents like you.0 -
Thank you for sharing. There are so many labels out there. Some of them are the results of bad parenting skills while others are the desire for quick fixes like drugs. Some are true mental illness. I am a believer that as a parent, you are not a "friend" to your child. I believe that parents must guide and sometimes say "No" and sometimes put them in time-out. Why send a child to his room we
Hen there is a tv, computer, iPod, and some cases minifrig in the room. Spend time with your children when they are young. Get them involved in activities and attend the activities. When they do something wrong, have a consequence and still to it.
For mental illness, get your child help. Stop looking for labels when you have not given your child ways to cope. It is not okay to yell at you and call you names! It is not okay to destroy anything. It is okay to be a parent! It is okay to make decisions that your child won't like. Be a good parent. If you say something, then do it. Empty threats are useless. Love you child enough to say no!0 -
What I'm worried about is the idea that everyone that has a mental condition is going to be treated as a potential murderer. There are many citizens with mental conditions that are harmless or pacifists.0
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I'm sorry but I really don't agree. People have mental health issues all over the world but school shootings don't occur as regularly as they do in the USA. Maybe if guns were illegal and people stopped blaming the government, the illness, the health care etc instead of looking closer to home these tragedies wouldn't occur.
Maybe I am being too controversial? I'm sure I'll get many responses as to why I am wrong!0 -
What I'm worried about is the idea that everyone that has a mental condition is going to be treated as a potential murderer. There are many citizens with mental conditions that are harmless or pacifists.
In any case I've ever heard of where a person with a mental illness has performed a violent act, there were signs that went ignored by crucial people in their lives. No, not everyone with a condition is a potential murderer, but those who show tendency toward violence do need to be treated as though they are capable of it.0 -
Thank you for sharing. There are so many labels out there. Some of them are the results of bad parenting skills while others are the desire for quick fixes like drugs. Some are true mental illness. I am a believer that as a parent, you are not a "friend" to your child. I believe that parents must guide and sometimes say "No" and sometimes put them in time-out. Why send a child to his room we
Hen there is a tv, computer, iPod, and some cases minifrig in the room. Spend time with your children when they are young. Get them involved in activities and attend the activities. When they do something wrong, have a consequence and still to it.
For mental illness, get your child help. Stop looking for labels when you have not given your child ways to cope. It is not okay to yell at you and call you names! It is not okay to destroy anything. It is okay to be a parent! It is okay to make decisions that your child won't like. Be a good parent. If you say something, then do it. Empty threats are useless. Love you child enough to say no!
The problem is that people very often assume that the problem is bad parenting. So, when you do have a child with mental illness it is difficult to get support. You often question yourself if the problem is really you and how you are raising the child. People need to stop making assumptions about the parent based on a child's misbehavior and they ABSOLUTELY need to stop assuming that they know how to deal with a child with a mental illness if they have never raised one. What works for children in the traditional sense, does NOT work for a child with mental illness. Pointing fingers makes it possible for society to continue to ignore the issue.0 -
What I'm worried about is the idea that everyone that has a mental condition is going to be treated as a potential murderer. There are many citizens with mental conditions that are harmless or pacifists.
In any case I've ever heard of where a person with a mental illness has performed a violent act, there were signs that went ignored by crucial people in their lives. No, not everyone with a condition is a potential murderer, but those who show tendency toward violence do need to be treated as though they are capable of it.
They need to be supported but not criminalized. There's enough stigma with living with a mental condition as it is. We don't need a bunch of people who have no idea what we're going through telling us that we're monsters that need to be caged. Why not help people get the treatment needed? People have no problem treating physical illnesses so why are they so against giving mental illnesses the same attention?0 -
I read this as well. I have to say this is priority not gun laws!!! Mental health education and treatment is what should be addressed far before gun laws. This is coming from a girl who has never touched a gun and has no desire to!0
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What I'm worried about is the idea that everyone that has a mental condition is going to be treated as a potential murderer. There are many citizens with mental conditions that are harmless or pacifists.
In any case I've ever heard of where a person with a mental illness has performed a violent act, there were signs that went ignored by crucial people in their lives. No, not everyone with a condition is a potential murderer, but those who show tendency toward violence do need to be treated as though they are capable of it.
They need to be supported but not criminalized. There's enough stigma with living with a mental condition as it is. We don't need a bunch of people who have no idea what we're going through telling us that we're monsters that need to be caged. Why not help people get the treatment needed? People have no problem treating physical illnesses so why are they so against giving mental illnesses the same attention?
I haven't seen anyone suggest criminalizing mental illness.
Unfortunately, the problem is not always a lack of available treatment. My son has received the very best of everything the medical and educational systems have to offer. We are not poor or uneducated. Even so, we have no good options for caring for him if he becomes more violent than I can manage or when I become too old to care for him. The only options offered are referred to in the article...just have him charged every chance you get and then when he gets to be too much for me to handle, I can have him end up in jail.
Those are my options. Care for him myself, or see him in jail. Since I cannot care for him myself forever, our outcome is pretty much pre-determined. If he doesn't kill himself he's very likely to end up in prison or homeless.
Take a moment to project that future for someone you love with all your soul and see what that does for you.0 -
What I'm worried about is the idea that everyone that has a mental condition is going to be treated as a potential murderer. There are many citizens with mental conditions that are harmless or pacifists.
In any case I've ever heard of where a person with a mental illness has performed a violent act, there were signs that went ignored by crucial people in their lives. No, not everyone with a condition is a potential murderer, but those who show tendency toward violence do need to be treated as though they are capable of it.
They need to be supported but not criminalized. There's enough stigma with living with a mental condition as it is. We don't need a bunch of people who have no idea what we're going through telling us that we're monsters that need to be caged. Why not help people get the treatment needed? People have no problem treating physical illnesses so why are they so against giving mental illnesses the same attention?
^^THIS. This is EXACTLY what I tell my son. His illness is the same as if he had diabetes. He needs to remain aware and in treatment for the rest of his life to ensure his own health. That is what responsible people do. And if he is not able to be responsible for his health, then someone (likely me, or the authorities) will need to step in and do it for him until he is able to do it again on his own. Criminalization for something that someone might POTENTIALLY do is really not the answer, but only causes more anxiety and makes people LESS likely to seek the treatment that they need.0 -
What I'm worried about is the idea that everyone that has a mental condition is going to be treated as a potential murderer. There are many citizens with mental conditions that are harmless or pacifists.
In any case I've ever heard of where a person with a mental illness has performed a violent act, there were signs that went ignored by crucial people in their lives. No, not everyone with a condition is a potential murderer, but those who show tendency toward violence do need to be treated as though they are capable of it.
They need to be supported but not criminalized. There's enough stigma with living with a mental condition as it is. We don't need a bunch of people who have no idea what we're going through telling us that we're monsters that need to be caged. Why not help people get the treatment needed? People have no problem treating physical illnesses so why are they so against giving mental illnesses the same attention?
^^THIS. This is EXACTLY what I tell my son. His illness is the same as if he had diabetes. He needs to remain aware and in treatment for the rest of his life to ensure his own health. That is what responsible people do. And if he is not able to be responsible for his health, then someone (likely me, or the authorities) will need to step in and do it for him until he is able to do it again on his own. Criminalization for something that someone might POTENTIALLY do is really not the answer, but only causes more anxiety and makes people LESS likely to seek the treatment that they need.
Thank you, this is pretty much what I was getting at. Although I'm not sure if that's how it came across. >.<0 -
Thanks for sharing. Interesting reading, and leaves a lot to be thought about. There is help out there for self-induced illnesses (diabeties, liver failer etc) more should be done on focusing on those hidden illnesses0
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This is such a powerful and heartbreaking story! I know kids like this, and its awful what they have to go through as well as their families 0
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