I Am Adam Lanzas Mother

Faye_Anderson

I'm sorry but I really don't agree. People have mental health issues all over the world but school shootings don't occur as regularly as they do in the USA. Maybe if guns were illegal and people stopped blaming the government, the illness, the health care etc instead of looking closer to home these tragedies wouldn't occur.
Maybe I am being too controversial? I'm sure I'll get many responses as to why I am wrong!

secretlobster

What I'm worried about is the idea that everyone that has a mental condition is going to be treated as a potential murderer. There are many citizens with mental conditions that are harmless or pacifists.

In any case I've ever heard of where a person with a mental illness has performed a violent act, there were signs that went ignored by crucial people in their lives. No, not everyone with a condition is a potential murderer, but those who show tendency toward violence do need to be treated as though they are capable of it.

UsedToBeHusky

Thank you for sharing. There are so many labels out there. Some of them are the results of bad parenting skills while others are the desire for quick fixes like drugs. Some are true mental illness. I am a believer that as a parent, you are not a "friend" to your child. I believe that parents must guide and sometimes say "No" and sometimes put them in time-out. Why send a child to his room we
Hen there is a tv, computer, iPod, and some cases minifrig in the room. Spend time with your children when they are young. Get them involved in activities and attend the activities. When they do something wrong, have a consequence and still to it.

For mental illness, get your child help. Stop looking for labels when you have not given your child ways to cope. It is not okay to yell at you and call you names! It is not okay to destroy anything. It is okay to be a parent! It is okay to make decisions that your child won't like. Be a good parent. If you say something, then do it. Empty threats are useless. Love you child enough to say no!

The problem is that people very often assume that the problem is bad parenting. So, when you do have a child with mental illness it is difficult to get support. You often question yourself if the problem is really you and how you are raising the child. People need to stop making assumptions about the parent based on a child's misbehavior and they ABSOLUTELY need to stop assuming that they know how to deal with a child with a mental illness if they have never raised one. What works for children in the traditional sense, does NOT work for a child with mental illness. Pointing fingers makes it possible for society to continue to ignore the issue.

Erisad

What I'm worried about is the idea that everyone that has a mental condition is going to be treated as a potential murderer. There are many citizens with mental conditions that are harmless or pacifists.

In any case I've ever heard of where a person with a mental illness has performed a violent act, there were signs that went ignored by crucial people in their lives. No, not everyone with a condition is a potential murderer, but those who show tendency toward violence do need to be treated as though they are capable of it.

They need to be supported but not criminalized. There's enough stigma with living with a mental condition as it is. We don't need a bunch of people who have no idea what we're going through telling us that we're monsters that need to be caged. Why not help people get the treatment needed? People have no problem treating physical illnesses so why are they so against giving mental illnesses the same attention?

terrappyn

I read this as well. I have to say this is priority not gun laws!!! Mental health education and treatment is what should be addressed far before gun laws. This is coming from a girl who has never touched a gun and has no desire to!

iAMsmiling

What I'm worried about is the idea that everyone that has a mental condition is going to be treated as a potential murderer. There are many citizens with mental conditions that are harmless or pacifists.

In any case I've ever heard of where a person with a mental illness has performed a violent act, there were signs that went ignored by crucial people in their lives. No, not everyone with a condition is a potential murderer, but those who show tendency toward violence do need to be treated as though they are capable of it.

They need to be supported but not criminalized. There's enough stigma with living with a mental condition as it is. We don't need a bunch of people who have no idea what we're going through telling us that we're monsters that need to be caged. Why not help people get the treatment needed? People have no problem treating physical illnesses so why are they so against giving mental illnesses the same attention?

I haven't seen anyone suggest criminalizing mental illness.
Unfortunately, the problem is not always a lack of available treatment. My son has received the very best of everything the medical and educational systems have to offer. We are not poor or uneducated. Even so, we have no good options for caring for him if he becomes more violent than I can manage or when I become too old to care for him. The only options offered are referred to in the article...just have him charged every chance you get and then when he gets to be too much for me to handle, I can have him end up in jail.
Those are my options. Care for him myself, or see him in jail. Since I cannot care for him myself forever, our outcome is pretty much pre-determined. If he doesn't kill himself he's very likely to end up in prison or homeless.

Take a moment to project that future for someone you love with all your soul and see what that does for you.

chocl8girl

What I'm worried about is the idea that everyone that has a mental condition is going to be treated as a potential murderer. There are many citizens with mental conditions that are harmless or pacifists.

In any case I've ever heard of where a person with a mental illness has performed a violent act, there were signs that went ignored by crucial people in their lives. No, not everyone with a condition is a potential murderer, but those who show tendency toward violence do need to be treated as though they are capable of it.

They need to be supported but not criminalized. There's enough stigma with living with a mental condition as it is. We don't need a bunch of people who have no idea what we're going through telling us that we're monsters that need to be caged. Why not help people get the treatment needed? People have no problem treating physical illnesses so why are they so against giving mental illnesses the same attention?

^^THIS. This is EXACTLY what I tell my son. His illness is the same as if he had diabetes. He needs to remain aware and in treatment for the rest of his life to ensure his own health. That is what responsible people do. And if he is not able to be responsible for his health, then someone (likely me, or the authorities) will need to step in and do it for him until he is able to do it again on his own. Criminalization for something that someone might POTENTIALLY do is really not the answer, but only causes more anxiety and makes people LESS likely to seek the treatment that they need.

Erisad

What I'm worried about is the idea that everyone that has a mental condition is going to be treated as a potential murderer. There are many citizens with mental conditions that are harmless or pacifists.

In any case I've ever heard of where a person with a mental illness has performed a violent act, there were signs that went ignored by crucial people in their lives. No, not everyone with a condition is a potential murderer, but those who show tendency toward violence do need to be treated as though they are capable of it.

They need to be supported but not criminalized. There's enough stigma with living with a mental condition as it is. We don't need a bunch of people who have no idea what we're going through telling us that we're monsters that need to be caged. Why not help people get the treatment needed? People have no problem treating physical illnesses so why are they so against giving mental illnesses the same attention?

^^THIS. This is EXACTLY what I tell my son. His illness is the same as if he had diabetes. He needs to remain aware and in treatment for the rest of his life to ensure his own health. That is what responsible people do. And if he is not able to be responsible for his health, then someone (likely me, or the authorities) will need to step in and do it for him until he is able to do it again on his own. Criminalization for something that someone might POTENTIALLY do is really not the answer, but only causes more anxiety and makes people LESS likely to seek the treatment that they need.

Thank you, this is pretty much what I was getting at. Although I'm not sure if that's how it came across. >.<

Sepa

Thanks for sharing. Interesting reading, and leaves a lot to be thought about. There is help out there for self-induced illnesses (diabeties, liver failer etc) more should be done on focusing on those hidden illnesses

MrsScheidt

This is such a powerful and heartbreaking story! I know kids like this, and its awful what they have to go through as well as their families

JustJennie1

I'm sorry but I really don't agree. People have mental health issues all over the world but school shootings don't occur as regularly as they do in the USA. Maybe if guns were illegal and people stopped blaming the government, the illness, the health care etc instead of looking closer to home these tragedies wouldn't occur.
Maybe I am being too controversial? I'm sure I'll get many responses as to why I am wrong!

Making guns illegal isn't going to stop those people who already get them illegally from obtaining them. All that is going to do is stop the law abiding citizens who know how to respect the weapon from having them. No matter what is done people who obtained guns illegally will always obtain them illegally. I would be very hard pressed to find a responsible gun owner who would know how to obtain an illegal firearm off the black market. IT just doesn't happen.

And for the record most of the school shootings have been done by someone who has had some sort of deep rooted psychological issue that people knew about but ignored and also I think that there have always been these types of violent tragedies happening it's just that now the media sensationalizes it so much that we're more aware of them.

herstrawberri

Thanks for sharing this.

afv417

I was a translator for a non-profit that helps children with needs. A specific child I was translating for had no business being outside of a mental hospital. Unfortunately his family did not have health insurance and the hospitals wouldn't keep him. We took him up to a board and the approval process for being able to offer them any sort of medical care is SO long. In the interim he is released to go back to school and cuts himself, threatens to kill other kids, assaults a police officer and his own mother. There are MANY kids like Adam Lanza out there that need HELP. Something has to be done differently, not everyone is fortunate enough to have health insurance, but these children need help; they can't control themselves on their own.

DanaDark

-Wanted to get into the gun debate thing, but simply won't that is thread hijacking-

I had read the article before I saw it here. It is powerful and sad.

In these cases, the family of the suspect tends to be victims as much as anyone else. People who tried their best but simply couldn't manage to stem the tide.

When things like this happen, people tend to look to blame someone. When the perp kills himself, we tend to look at the family, but that would be an error.

Pixi_Rex

Unforturnately, I read some of the comments on Gawker and word of warning they are not at all sympathetic to the author. Ms. Long was extremely brave in giving a voice to what so many families are experiencing, and got insulted for her trouble. I hope she doesn't see some of those comments.

Unfortunately, she will probably see the comments. Thats the thing about putting things like this out there, people will always be close minded and have something to say. I do not have children, and the children that are in my life are no where near this so I cannot say I understand what the woman is going through, or what thousands of families are going through but I do know that these children are loved, that their parents and families are trying to do everything for them, and are trying to be pro-active but without someplace safe for them to go they will never get the help they need. I do know Jail is not that place.

It breaks my heart to see families struggling to get the help they need, to get their child some place safe where they too can get help.

This is a powerful article, thank you for sharing.

Mcgrawhaha

I read this article yesterday, and it made me so sad... The idea that parents cannot recieve help without an actual charge or crime has got to be the most rediculous and idiotic plan of action in place to help catch mental illness before it turns into something dangerous or deadly. Its so easy to blame guns, video games, movies, etc... But GOD forbid we put the blame where it belongs... ON THE ACTUAL PERSON, AND THOSE WHO IGNORED THE WARNING SIGNS... Lanza was going to murder, it was a matter of time... he was a ticking time bomb... and no amount of gun control would have stopped him. He needed help a long time ago, but no one cared enough to do it...

AmyFett

I can't even finish the thing. Mentally ill or no, he needs respect. If he's that messed up, he should be somewhere where he can't hurt himself or others. For his own good and for others'. My kids ever called me stupid or a *****, let alone the two, God have mercy on them.

XXXMinnieXXX

It's appalling the help is not there but it'd have to get the child away from its siblings no matter what. Must be incredibly tough though x

Alex_is_Hawks

I just left a relationship with a man who had two boys. The oldest has ADHD and Aspergers. The youngest has ADHD and ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder).

His clinician said it was the worst case of ODD she had ever seen and it took me and the school YEARS to get the parents to have them assessed. They simply did not want to believe there was anything wrong with their boys. I understand that, as a parent myself I completely understand that. But the last straw was when this (then 7) year old boy lost his mind and beat the ever loving crap out of me in front of his father (for putting him on a 2 minute time out) and his father stood there in shock and just let it happen. Only to say afterwards "what did you do to set him off?"

I told him at that point he either had to get his son assessed or I would leave. He finally arranged for emergency assessment. Finally things began to make sense.

I firmly believe these boys need more help than they are getting. I firmly believe their parents are part of the broken system. I am NOT saying that parents usually are, just in this case I do believe they are. I firmly believe that these boys parents are also mentally unbalanced, maybe not as badly as these boys, however enough that it allows them to misread and misunderstand what their boys are doing/up to.

I've watched the elder boy disconnect and cut himself with box cutters to "see what would happen" or go too far in teasing and hurting people because he doesnt connect what he's doing to any consequence, and have the father shrug and say it was boys being boys.....that is NOT normal behaviour.

I worry about those boys and the lack of help they are getting, but I finally had to leave to make sure my daughter and I were safe. As much as I wish I could have done more, I had a bigger responsibility to the child *I* brought into this world and making sure she was safe and healthy and I could no longer guarantee it in that situation.

I suspect that down the road as life goes on and these boys get into adulthood, that I may see one of them on TV and it won't be pretty. That makes me sad, because I think with their intelligence they could accomplish SO much and have SO much potential.

The system needs to be fixed. But sometimes so do the parents.

iAMsmiling

It's appalling the help is not there but it'd have to get the child away from its siblings no matter what. Must be incredibly tough though x

Balancing your family's safety and the well being of your mentally ill child is beyond difficult. Most of the time, dealing with my older son is simply frustrating and annoying. Most of the time he's like a particularly big pain in the *kitten* teenager. Most of the time I can't bear the idea of him being institutionalized. When he's at his worst though...I fear for my wife and other son.
One of our options is for my wife and I to separate. She would take my younger son, I would take the older. We could visit often. This would keep them safe.
It may come to that.

UsedToBeHusky

It's appalling the help is not there but it'd have to get the child away from its siblings no matter what. Must be incredibly tough though x

Balancing your family's safety and the well being of your mentally ill child is beyond difficult. Most of the time, dealing with my older son is simply frustrating and annoying. Most of the time he's like a particularly big pain in the *kitten* teenager. Most of the time I can't bear the idea of him being institutionalized. When he's at his worst though...I fear for my wife and other son.
One of our options is for my wife and I to separate. She would take my younger son, I would take the older. We could visit often. This would keep them safe.
It may come to that.

I pray that doesn't happen.

iAMsmiling

The system needs to be fixed. But sometimes so do the parents.

Educating parents is a primary part of what I see as the essential changes that need to be made.

trm981

This entire article describes my younger brother. I lived this for years until I moved out just to get away from him. He was extremely unstable and violent from a very young age. My mom did everything she could possible have done to get him the help he needed. Medications, years of therapy, nothing helped for more than short periods of time. She tried to have him committed to a mental institution numerous times, but they didn't have enough resources to hold him there. He died three years ago of a drug overdose at the age of 23.

I don't know if he was capable of something like what happened in Connecticut. I don't believe he was. But I worried constantly that he would kill our mother. The last time she saw him before he died she had to kick him out of her car in the middle of the street because she was terrified he was going to attack her.

I would never go as far as to say I am glad he is dead. But the world is fortunate that he never got the chance to hurt anybody.

And I agree Adam Lanza's mother is partially responsible for this for allowing readily accessible guns around him. We couldn't even have steak knives in the house growing up. Parents of mentally ill children need to be aware of what their children are capable of and do what they need to do to keep themselves, their kids and others safe.

To the OP: I am so sorry that your family has to go through this.

sunsnstatheart

Thanks for sharing this. My older brother was like this but he only killed himself. I put some thoughts from my own experience on my blog.

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/sunsnstatheart

iAMsmiling

This entire article describes my younger brother. I lived this for years until I moved out just to get away from him. He was extremely unstable and violent from a very young age. My mom did everything she could possible have done to get him the help he needed. Medications, years of therapy, nothing helped for more than short periods of time. She tried to have him committed to a mental institution numerous times, but they didn't have enough resources to hold him there. He died three years ago of a drug overdose at the age of 23.

I don't know if he was capable of something like what happened in Connecticut. I don't believe he was. But I worried constantly that he would kill our mother. The last time she saw him before he died she had to kick him out of her car in the middle of the street because she was terrified he was going to attack her.

I would never go as far as to say I am glad he is dead. But the world is fortunate that he never got the chance to hurt anybody.

And I agree Adam Lanza's mother is partially responsible for this for allowing readily accessible guns around him. We couldn't even have steak knives in the house growing up. Parents of mentally ill children need to be aware of what their children are capable of and do what they need to do to keep themselves, their kids and others safe.

To the OP: I am so sorry that your family has to go through this.

Your family has realized one of my greatest fears. I'm so sorry...

Taes_Hunt

Very moving article. I couldn't imagine what it must be like to be afraid of your child. My hats off to any parent going through this.

sarahrbraun

This woman is describing my son, my family and our lives.


http://gawker.com/5968818/i-am-adam-lanzas-mother

We haven't quite gotten THAT far, but it definitely struck a chord with me. My son is almost 17 and less than 2 months ago he bit me during a rage. He bit me SO hard that the next day I had to go get xrays done to rule out a fracture. I still have a knot on my wrist. He is on the autism spectrum, and we are attempting to have him diagnosed with IED.

When my son has a rage, he is a totally different person. We learned about 10 years ago that the best thing to do was to throw him to the ground and restrain him until he was in control of his emotions again. When he began biting, we started flipping him on his belly and pushing his face into the rug. I lift weights so I can be stronger than he is--he is now 2 inches taller than me, but I outweigh him by 50 pounds. When he bit me, I was attempting to gain control of his hands so he could not buck me off his back. I had to grab a handful of his hair and YANK his mouth off my arm. We always take pictures of any injury we sustain during an attack--that way we have proof of self defense in case CPS gets involved ( it has happened).

NiSan12

Oh WoW. Just speechless....

BigAlfrn

That was deep!

BodyCombatGirl73

Thank you for sharing that. As the sister of someone who suffers from Bipolar Disorder (although, thankfully, completely harmless to herself or anyone else) and a 9-year old son who seems to also have the disorder (along with ODD and ADHD), this struck a strong cord with me and I do feel for all the mother's out there who are trying to get the help they need for their kids to only find circular roads and red tape. I'm in Canada, and although we are probably better off than the system in the US, it is still pretty crappy here when it comes to mental health, especially diagnosing mental health issues in little kids. We just need to keep the dialogue open because that's the only way things are going to change. Hugs to all of you out there!