I Am Adam Lanzas Mother
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She was delusional to think that educating him in gun safety and responsibility would be possible. This means she must have been in some kind of denial about her son's problems. He was 20, barely an adult. It must be almost impossibly difficult for a parent to completely accept that their child is capable of violence. Unfortunately, this is a possible consequence of that denial. He had shown a tendency toward violence before and was engaged in violent dialogue with other people. Like many others who suffer from the same problems, he was highly intelligent.
It's sad, but this mother chose her hobby over the safety of her family. There is no way to have a safe environment for an intelligent, fully grown man with violent tendencies through mental health issues, and have guns in that environment. It's always a risk. A smart person will figure out how to get into the gun safe. It's a risk that she took against what should have been her better judgment.
You're right, he would have been able to access a gun somehow if he had the wherewithal. But better resources, and perhaps better USE of resources, could have stopped the problem before it got to the point where all he needed was an appropriate weapon.0 -
My feeling on gun ownership is this...if you own any guns of any kind, regardless of whether you have children, other family members, or even if you live alone...I think that all guns should be secured under lock...in a gun cabinet, behind locked door, etc....that way, there will NEVER be an issue,,,if you live alone, this is still important because someone could break in and steal them....if this suggestion was followed there would not be those peeps that want to regulate gun ownership further than it is....
Of course, regulating this would be a pain....
when my oldest daughter was about 3, she got ahold of a pistol that my BF had next to the bed in our room (one of the neighbors had been harrassing us after he had assaulted my BF with a sword and cut off several of his fingers)..my BF had gone to work, he worked in a hosp as a respiratory therapist, and I was answering the phone in the kitchen... the gun went off and my child was shot in the ankle...shattered it completely....even now, she has problems with that ankle, with walking any distance, or even exercising....it could have been MUCH worse...
my current BF has several rifles, but the bedroom where these firearms are kept, is locked whenever we are not in the house.... and always when he is at work, he works out of town....so this room is SELDOM unlocked.....and the door locks automatically when you close the door....
anyway, these are my thoughts...
as for the mentally illl, I work as a biller in this field...and I've seen a huge increase in the need for services...my clinic is TRIBAL and because of this, ALL Natives that come to us for help, GET THE SERVICES REGARDLESS OF INSURANCE COVERAGE.... .they are NEVER charged a co-pay, or if they have no coverage at all, some MEDICAID RECIPIENTS have been dropped from Medcaid becasue they have NO children, these people ARE NOT TURNED AWAY AND ARE NOT BILLED FOR SERVICES PERSONALLY...the only thing we can't do is PAY for them to go to REHAB....but we do arrange for them to get a bed, even tho it may be in a different location from what they request....we just find WHERE A BED IS, then go from there...we will also transport them to this facility if needed....for American Indian TribAL Members, there seems to be MORE Gov assisstance regarding Mental Health/Substance Abuse funding...so actually I see a different picture than the rest of you....but the REHABS we use are geared toward Native Americans, which includes their culture in the programs...0 -
I read this also, its has described our lives for the last 13 years. my daughter was very out of control emotionally since she was 2 and a half. Would try jumping out of the moving car on the freeway, tried to commit suicide as best a 3 year old could, rages that were so violent to those around her with nothing major to set her off, could be anything. She was dx as bipolar at age 5 and its taken us till jsu the last year or two, she's now 15 almost 16, to get her to a relative 'stable' position. Lots and lots of therapy, drugs for bipolar, speach, senory, OT, physical, etc therapy. talk therapy, behaviorial therapy, hospitalizations, etc.
She's extremely bright, IQ is mensa level but cant logically make her brain and emotions do what she wants them to do.
she's now able to express herself, can describe how she feels inside, why she cant or has an extremely hard time controlling her behavior or what's going on in her mind beforehand. She is better able to check her situation against her emotional status and can decide if she can stay in a situation, or has to stay home, or can get by with a small dose of a prn drug. She has thanked me for not giving up, she knew something was wrong, wasnt the bad girl everyone said she was but didnt know how to control it or what was wrong to let others know how to fix it.
Its hard when others judge, make blanket statements about psychotropic drugs for kids, or how its all parenting issues, etc. My daughter describes it like a diabetic in her brain. You wouldnt tell a diabetic to suck it up and deal without insulin if they needed it, why would you do the same to a bipolar person who cant control her brain chemicals anymore than a diabetic can control her insulin levels? Just like a diabetic watches their diet and excersise to help minimize the frequency of needing insulin, a bipolar watches their surroundings, their emotional state and takes their meds to help control and minimize the frequency of needing meds/hospitalization.
The mental health services in the US is horrible. I wasnt old enough to know how things were in the institutions on the 1980's but what we have now doesnt work. Its VERY hard to get the needed services from your insurance/medicad/doctors without them having a police record and a judge ordering it. In MANY states, you have to give up custody of your kids to get them any kind of residential treatment, even if its only needed for a year or two. Then you have to petition for custody and prove your not the bad parent you had to be labeled as, to get you kid back when they no longer need the residential treatment. How is that beneficial to the family or society as a whole in the long run? Strong family bonds and your parents being your best advocate for your care is usually, for most children, the best way to get them help early so they dont suffer for years, hurt their family, friends, themselves or as we've seen recently, other innocent ppl in society.
As great as gun control could or couldnt be, mental health is the underlying issue in most of these situations. If we help early, we help society as a whole.0 -
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Unbelievably, not only did the shooter have access to all those assault weapons, his mother made sure he was taught how to use them!
Re this woman's story - While I totally agree that mental health care access is shamefully lacking in this country, I was very disturbed by the part about the younger children having been trained to run/hide/lock themselves in somewhere to protect themselves from their older brother when he became violent and irrational. At what point do you decide its ok to risk the safety and possibly lives of your younger children in order to keep another child who is this volatile (sp?) in the home?
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In response to the above quote: That's the problem. It's almost impossible to get these kids proper care. She clearly is trying; she turned the car around and drove him to the hospital. There, she did not hesitate to call the police.The problem is that they usually don't keep these kids that long and it's near impossible to get them into Residential Treatment programs. Do you think she likes living in fear? I sure don't.
My 8 year old slammed my 6 year old's head into her car window over and over and over and over again as hard as she could while I was driving once. And yet, I STILL cannot get her into RTC. Instead, I am told to put a bell or chime on the oldest kids door for their safety. I'm told to lock up my knives. I'm told to not get a pet. I'm told to sleep with my door locked. It is almost impossible to get proper treatment and relinquishing your parental rights to protect the other children means you face Felony (or misdemeanor) Child Abandonment charges (at least in my state, and yes, I checked). I have contacted Child Services and even threatened to spank my oldest in the director's office so that they had enough evidence to remove my child (bad parenting moment, I know). The response I got? "Spanking IS legal in this state and we are NOT taking your child unless you want to face charges".
It's a catch-22...
No one should have to live like this or make these terrible decisions. My child is broken. Not her arm or her leg. SHE is broken and I cannot get the help to help her.0 -
Edit: Sorry responded incorrectly0
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Re this woman's story - While I totally agree that mental health care access is shamefully lacking in this country, I was very disturbed by the part about the younger children having been trained to run/hide/lock themselves in somewhere to protect themselves from their older brother when he became violent and irrational. At what point do you decide its ok to risk the safety and possibly lives of your younger children in order to keep another child who is this volatile (sp?) in the home?
It is not just shamefully lacking. In some cases it is non-existent.
So how do you get the child out of the home? They can't be forcefully hospitalized unless they are a minor, or commit a crime. You can't afford the hospital unless you have really, really good insurance and then maybe still not.
Or they commit a crime and become a ward of the state and then the state is going to try to get them out as quickly as possible, because they don't want the cost either. And/or misdiagnose them. Or make them worse with the wrong treatment.
You can't put them in jail, again until they commit a crime. And then you have the same problem. The jails are overcrowded and they're releasing violent criminals every day.
Throw them out on the street? If they're a minor, then you've committed a crime, essentially.
There is no solution for too many of these parents.0 -
It is powerful and tragic and a travesty that mental heath care is not given more importance in this country. That said, it's also crazy that she would have an arsenal of assault weapons and ammunition that her mentally disturbed son had access to. If my kid was even a tiny fraction of that bad I'd have the steak knives under lock and key.
Unbelievably, not only did the shooter have access to all those assault weapons, his mother made sure he was taught how to use them!
Re this woman's story - While I totally agree that mental health care access is shamefully lacking in this country, I was very disturbed by the part about the younger children having been trained to run/hide/lock themselves in somewhere to protect themselves from their older brother when he became violent and irrational. At what point do you decide its ok to risk the safety and possibly lives of your younger children in order to keep another child who is this volatile (sp?) in the home?
At what point do you jettison one kid to try to save the others? Put yourself in a lifeboat with your kids. Now, decide when it's ok to throw one overboard to save the others.
Well, I never said kill the child. But if you have to train your little kids to lock themselves in somewhere so their older brother doesn't hurt them or worse, then yes, I think you have to look at this issue. And if, god forbid, he did seriously injure or kill one of them, then she's lost both of them because he would be locked up - be it in a mental facility or a detention facility. I'm just saying that a group home or residential facility where people are trained to deal with mental health issues should be considered - for the safety and well-being of both the younger children and the boy himself.0 -
There is no solution for too many of these parents.
This is the sad, unfortunate, truth. For parents of a violent, mentally ill child in America, there are very few, if any, options. Sadly the mother set the trigger on a time bomb by insisting she live with guns, but gun ownership aside, to parents in her position, there is a SCARY lack of solutions besides "completely abandon your child".0 -
It is powerful and tragic and a travesty that mental heath care is not given more importance in this country. That said, it's also crazy that she would have an arsenal of assault weapons and ammunition that her mentally disturbed son had access to. If my kid was even a tiny fraction of that bad I'd have the steak knives under lock and key.
Unbelievably, not only did the shooter have access to all those assault weapons, his mother made sure he was taught how to use them!
Re this woman's story - While I totally agree that mental health care access is shamefully lacking in this country, I was very disturbed by the part about the younger children having been trained to run/hide/lock themselves in somewhere to protect themselves from their older brother when he became violent and irrational. At what point do you decide its ok to risk the safety and possibly lives of your younger children in order to keep another child who is this volatile (sp?) in the home?
At what point do you jettison one kid to try to save the others? Put yourself in a lifeboat with your kids. Now, decide when it's ok to throw one overboard to save the others.
Well, I never said kill the child. But if you have to train your little kids to lock themselves in somewhere so their older brother doesn't hurt them or worse, then yes, I think you have to look at this issue. And if, god forbid, he did seriously injure or kill one of them, then she's lost both of them because he would be locked up - be it in a mental facility or a detention facility. I'm just saying that a group home or residential facility where people are trained to deal with mental health issues should be considered - for the safety and well-being of both the younger children and the boy himself.
I agree. Maybe we should open a few group homes or mental health facilities. As it is, I have no long term options. I can get him in to residential treatment for a few weeks at a time during a crisis, but that's all we've been able to manage.0 -
In MANY states, you have to give up custody of your kids to get them any kind of residential treatment, even if its only needed for a year or two. Then you have to petition for custody and prove your not the bad parent you had to be labeled as, to get you kid back when they no longer need the residential treatment. How is that beneficial to the family or society as a whole in the long run? Strong family bonds and your parents being your best advocate for your care is usually, for most children, the best way to get them help early so they dont suffer for years, hurt their family, friends, themselves or as we've seen recently, other innocent ppl in society.
This, I think, is the greatest tragedy of the whole system. My friend was forced to admit to being a neglectful parent to get help for her son who was suffering from schizophreniform. Fortunately, he is as functioning of an adult as he can be, but she has been labeled an unfit parent. She would like to adopt her sister's child (her sister also suffering from mental illness) but can't because of the documentation that she had to sign to get help for her son.
The mental health system is in SERIOUS need of reform.0 -
It was a really moving article. I'd love to be able to just take it "as-is". But Adam Lanza's mother also kept guns in the house with her mentally unstable child. I really feel awful for mothers of children who show violence through their mental illnesses, but Adam Lanza's mother is partially responsible for this event. As far as I've read, she was a responsible gun owner herself, and tried to teach her kid safe handling of a firearm, but he was mentally ill from childhood and there were numerous signs of violence in his personality. You can't expect a young adult who suffers from mental illness to be responsible with a gun.
I have younger family members with different degrees of autism (some violent on occasion) and while they are wonderful, caring people most of the time as individuals, there are some things that most human beings can handle that they cannot. They're not ever going to own guns because they don't have the capacity to be responsible with them 100% of the time, and they don't have the ability to regulate violent impulses like these. It sucks but that's reality. You can love someone unconditionally as your child and still retain awareness of what they are capable of. You can't deny that their brain doesn't function the way yours does.
I'm a huge advocate for awareness of mental health in the US. These kids are generally over-medicated and misunderstood. Mental illness is extremely costly to deal with. It's really shameful.
Violence is not the norm in an autistic child and autism is not a mental illness. The media, in their handling of this tragedy, have done a huge injustice to autistic people and the ones who love them.0 -
Violence is not the norm in an autistic child and autism is not a mental illness. The media, in their handling of this tragedy, have done a huge injustice to autistic people and the ones who love them.
I agree with this too. I've never heard of an autistic child taking a violent action. That goes completely against the definition of the disorder. Perhaps, he was ADHD and because they have placed it on the spectrum, there was some miscommunication, but even ADHD wouldn't cause someone to act out violently. This man was suffering from something along the lines of schizophrenia or bipolar disorder.0 -
Violence is not the norm in an autistic child and autism is not a mental illness. The media, in their handling of this tragedy, have done a huge injustice to autistic people and the ones who love them.
No it's not the norm but it is possible. My family member with the most severe degree of autism started making violent comments in his adolescence ("I'm going to kill you") ("yeah let's kill them all" when talking to himself) and it's deeply disturbing. His brothers both have autism as well but he is the only one of them who has made comments like these. Do you think he shouldn't be taken seriously? I don't personally believe that everyone with autism needs to be treated as potentially violent but you MUST understand that a person who makes violent comments AND doesn't show the ability to distinguish between having violent thoughts and acting on violent thoughts, cannot be ignored.
PS: I'm just saying that a person who has been diagnosed with autism can be difficult or impossible to understand. It's possible to have autism and be a violent person. It's possible to have autism and be completely incapable of violence.
I'm not trying to offend anyone and I'm trying as hard as I can to use the exactly correct language. I'm sorry if I used any word that upset you. I'm only trying to convey how important it is for parents to take their children's abilities and inabilities VERY seriously, with regards to autism or anything else.0 -
Wow...that was deep and moving and scary. I believe that this type of mental illness and dis-ease is rapidly becoming the rule of the day, rather than the exception. I believe that the greater majority of families in our nation are quietly suffering this type of trauma and drama in daily family life. It is more than sad to me...
it is scary:devil:
I think if we as a nation and people dare to look at some of the major contributing factors in our lifestyles (because we ALL are a reflection of our nation/society...no matter how much we want to think otherwise)--there we will see the "elephant in the room" and if we are courageous and dare to look at our own lifestyle and make changes...we will indeed see a decrease to this madness (literally). In my opinion, these are some of the major contributing factors in this terrible matter:
1.) The "self-esteem" and everyone is "equal".a.k.a. there is no differences between us, no right and wrong, no differences between men and women, children and adults, good and evil, dirty is clean (look how we spend big bucks on looking raggedy, buying dirty looking jeans and "distressed" clothes, women walking around looking like cheap h@@kers of yesteryear and absolutely proud of it--AMAZING, walking about looking like bums and paying top dollar,--it's ALL GOOD type of thinking, living, doing and being" and we're all the same hype--we must be able to do, say and be whatever we want to H&LL with everyone else::indifferent:
In our society today, we worship and cling to "if it feels good and we want to...do it--no matter what it does to our selves, our families, our bodies, our society--just DO IT because I want to (spoiled brats thinking and living)" mentally--ever man/woman for him or herself a.k.a. "spoiled and pampered" child run and worshipped mentally/society. Children today are the "bosses" of their homes and families--that what I have observed over the past, say 25 years or so. Parents are now at their children's "beck and call", children are absolutely "fearless" and not trained nor taught that there is a distinct difference in adults (and privileges and lifestyles of adults are and should be different for children) and are taught such in schools and their homes and our western society that discipline, self-control, responsibility, hard-work, earning your keep or reaping the "worldwind", respecting and honoring your elders are a thing of the past That putting a child in his or her place and teaching them at an early age that if they dare to disobey (that means to obey RIGHT AWAY and with a sweet and gentle attitude to boot--any other so-called "compliance is NOT true obedience--in my book anyway), that talk back and or not have a pleasant and agreeable, humble attitude when told what to do, will cause them to reap serious consequences (and I aint talking about not telling them work on games or toys either)...No...those days are gone, the days of LESS IS MORE, waiting and working HARD for what you want and considered today as --Draconian at best and evil at least.
Johnny or Suzy can't read? Drug em....don't spend time with them, because we're busy chasing the almighty dollar to get more stuff to keep Johnny and Suzy BUSY and DISTRACTED so we can do what we want to, when we want to. We now look at and proudly admire living in a 140 character society as a way of communicating with one another--if that doesn't show and tell us something, nothing will.
Think about it--when parents/people cared what society thought of them--when not only your parents tore your behind up for "acting out/up" but teachers and neighbors did too--When morals, values and standards kept people from doing what-so-ever they felt like it---you just didn't hear horrendous stories like this--did it happen? Yes, it happened--but it was RARE, it was the exception--not the rule, as it is today. We as a society are ALL guilty of petting and pampering and spoil brat lifestyle--from/for our children and ourselves as well.
When this was the rule of the day (teaching your children to honor and obey their parents) and raising/training children on being humble, kind and wise---you NEVER heard of children cussing their parents out, let alone killing them, as you hear so much of today. Yes...we now have children who can speak their minds, and as we beg them to pretty please do thus and such, in the name of a "kinder & gentler" society...we now have a nation wroth with mental illness and trauma and drama and woe!
2.) Television, computers, games and entertainment is the rule of the day in most homes. Interacting with your own children and spending time with them is RARE. We as a nation and society have replaced personal presence and time with the baby sitters of T.V., movies, music, and FUN, FUN, FUN, more is better! No rules, no regulations, no holds barred--if it feels good--do it. Consequences are not to be considered, nor even mentioned--until it's too late.
3.) What's causing our nation to be doomed with the epidemic of obesity is very much akin to this epidemic of violence and mayhem. The underlining reasons are just about the same: Greed/gluttony, laziness, apathy, fear, I want to do, eat, be what I want, when I want and how I want and if anyone DARES try to stop me...I'll go off. This is what happens when children rule and when adults abandon their responsibility of teaching, training, raising God fearing, parent honoring children....
Of course, this won't be popular--but that's a wee bit of my take on it...I can be wrong, I'm wrong about a great many things in this ole life, that's for sure!0 -
Violence is not the norm in an autistic child and autism is not a mental illness. The media, in their handling of this tragedy, have done a huge injustice to autistic people and the ones who love them.
Many conditions have co-morbid conditions. Autism may have been only one of his issues.
Also, my son has periodically been diagnosed as on the autism spectrum, and some of his behaviors do look like autism. So, it's easy to see how a person can be categorized incorrectly.
The medical/insurance/education worlds rely on specific diagnosis, for the most part, to access services. Often, the label is chosen to maximize services available, or just because it's the best fit where nothing really fits neatly in to one of the well defined categories.0 -
I read this article this morning. Very powerful, and unfortunately, very accurate.
My sisters family is battling a similar situation, I won't say diagnosis because there has been none, but a similar situation with her adopted 17 year old son. It's been a battle since he was a toddler. Now what ?
My heart hurts for everyone involved, the children who are acting out because they can't help it; and the parents that are forced to live in a situation that they can't control.
I wish there was something that would be done, and done quickly.0 -
It is powerful and tragic and a travesty that mental heath care is not given more importance in this country. That said, it's also crazy that she would have an arsenal of assault weapons and ammunition that her mentally disturbed son had access to.
This...0 -
Wow...that was deep and moving and scary. I believe that this type of mental illness and dis-ease is rapidly becoming the rule of the day, rather than the exception. I believe that the greater majority of families in our nation are quietly suffering this type of trauma and drama in daily family life. It is more than sad to me... it is scary:devil:
I think if we as a nation and people dare to look at some of the major contributing factors in our lifestyles (because we ALL are a reflection of our nation/society...no matter how much we want to think otherwise)--there we will see the "elephant in the room" and if we are courageous and dare to look at our own lifestyle and make changes...we will indeed see a decrease to this madness (literally). In my opinion, these are some of the major contributing factors in this terrible matter: .........................................
Bad behavior and bad upbringing are not the same things as actual mental illness.
No societal change would alter the way my son's brain is wired.0 -
Wow...that was deep and moving and scary. I believe that this type of mental illness and dis-ease is rapidly becoming the rule of the day, rather than the exception. I believe that the greater majority of families in our nation are quietly suffering this type of trauma and drama in daily family life. It is more than sad to me... it is scary:devil:
I think if we as a nation and people dare to look at some of the major contributing factors in our lifestyles (because we ALL are a reflection of our nation/society...no matter how much we want to think otherwise)--there we will see the "elephant in the room" and if we are courageous and dare to look at our own lifestyle and make changes...we will indeed see a decrease to this madness (literally). In my opinion, these are some of the major contributing factors in this terrible matter: .........................................
Bad behavior and bad upbringing are not the same things as actual mental illness.
No societal change would alter the way my son's brain is wired.
This. @ NewLifestyle - I honestly only skimmed what you wrote. It was really long. But I really didn't understand how you think that the way we dress, the television that we watch, or the obesity epidemic caused my daughter's mental illness. In my daughter's case, it was a genetic predisposition coupled with some traumatizing experiences from early childhood. None of which were related to the factors you have identified.0 -
Wow...that was deep and moving and scary. I believe that this type of mental illness and dis-ease is rapidly becoming the rule of the day, rather than the exception. I believe that the greater majority of families in our nation are quietly suffering this type of trauma and drama in daily family life. It is more than sad to me... it is scary:devil:
I think if we as a nation and people dare to look at some of the major contributing factors in our lifestyles (because we ALL are a reflection of our nation/society...no matter how much we want to think otherwise)--there we will see the "elephant in the room" and if we are courageous and dare to look at our own lifestyle and make changes...we will indeed see a decrease to this madness (literally). In my opinion, these are some of the major contributing factors in this terrible matter: .........................................
Bad behavior and bad upbringing are not the same things as actual mental illness.
No societal change would alter the way my son's brain is wired.
I'll 2nd that. My disorder would not be any different if my parents had raised me differently... they actually did a great job, which is why it's so hard to talk to a therapist - they typically think I don't even need therapy until I have to fess up to an emotional outburst that happened at home.0
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