I Am Adam Lanzas Mother

jennifer_a00

Yep. I get this. This is the same as my brother. He lives with my mom. I fear for her life every day. There is nothing we can do for him, since he is an adult. We don't have any options. He goes into the mental hospitals and they spit him right back out. I wish they would keep him. I wish my mom would kick him out. I wish we didn't have to deal with mental illness anymore.

shining_light

I'm sorry but I really don't agree. People have mental health issues all over the world but school shootings don't occur as regularly as they do in the USA. Maybe if guns were illegal and people stopped blaming the government, the illness, the health care etc instead of looking closer to home these tragedies wouldn't occur.
Maybe I am being too controversial? I'm sure I'll get many responses as to why I am wrong!

Making guns illegal isn't going to stop those people who already get them illegally from obtaining them. All that is going to do is stop the law abiding citizens who know how to respect the weapon from having them. No matter what is done people who obtained guns illegally will always obtain them illegally. I would be very hard pressed to find a responsible gun owner who would know how to obtain an illegal firearm off the black market. IT just doesn't happen.

And for the record most of the school shootings have been done by someone who has had some sort of deep rooted psychological issue that people knew about but ignored and also I think that there have always been these types of violent tragedies happening it's just that now the media sensationalizes it so much that we're more aware of them.

While gun control doesn't stop those who obtain guns illegally, it certainly helps make it more difficult to obtain them. I'm a Canadian, and I know that we have a lot less of this gun crime here; however, I know many people(my mother included) who own guns. She had them from her youth, and then when an amnesty was declared, she was able to keep her guns. Her father was a collector and had some very rare pieces that we were forced to sell to a dealer when he passed on because my mother couldn't get an acquisition license to keep these guns for whatever reason(I believe there were additional special restrictions on the weapons he had). I don't think less gun crime in countries like Canada and Australia comes down entirely to the gun control laws. Look at the cultural differences between us and the US. They are vast. We're generally more united as a people and a country than Americans are(I apologize to anyone who takes offence to my generalizations; this is just my take on things. An opinion only).

While it's true what they say that "guns don't kill people; people kill people", the fact that guns get into the hands of people who kill people is horrifying. In an ideal world, there would be no guns and no need for them. But, we are not in an ideal world and solutions must be found to prevent these situations in the future.

I would also like to note that I am sickened by the number of gun owners in the US rushing out to aquire more weapons after this incident because they're afraid of the government placing restrictions on their ability to purchase guns. Really? Your guns are THAT much more important than the lives of others? That's just sad. How about some gun owners get together and sell their guns and give the money to the families affected by this tragedy? That would send a message that some people care about other people's rights to life, liberty, and security of the person(as it says in our Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms) as they do their own.

Alliwan

Wow...that was deep and moving and scary. I believe that this type of mental illness and dis-ease is rapidly becoming the rule of the day, rather than the exception. I believe that the greater majority of families in our nation are quietly suffering this type of trauma and drama in daily family life. It is more than sad to me... it is scary:devil:

I think if we as a nation and people dare to look at some of the major contributing factors in our lifestyles (because we ALL are a reflection of our nation/society...no matter how much we want to think otherwise)--there we will see the "elephant in the room" and if we are courageous and dare to look at our own lifestyle and make changes...we will indeed see a decrease to this madness (literally). In my opinion, these are some of the major contributing factors in this terrible matter: .........................................

Bad behavior and bad upbringing are not the same things as actual mental illness.
No societal change would alter the way my son's brain is wired.

Very well said. Altho lifestyle, foods, situations, electronic media, noise, smells, environment, etc can all contribute to a child 'losing it', it doesnt change the fact that a mental issue is a physical abnormality in the way the brain is wired.

lmc8774

Is there evidence that Adam Lanza was violent, similar to the child in the link posted? Just curious as I have only seen him described as being quiet, odd, withdrawn, etc.,not as violent.

faireplay

Violence is not the norm in an autistic child and autism is not a mental illness. The media, in their handling of this tragedy, have done a huge injustice to autistic people and the ones who love them.

No it's not the norm but it is possible. My family member with the most severe degree of autism started making violent comments in his adolescence ("I'm going to kill you") ("yeah let's kill them all" when talking to himself) and it's deeply disturbing. His brothers both have autism as well but he is the only one of them who has made comments like these. Do you think he shouldn't be taken seriously? I don't personally believe that everyone with autism needs to be treated as potentially violent but you MUST understand that a person who makes violent comments AND doesn't show the ability to distinguish between having violent thoughts and acting on violent thoughts, cannot be ignored.

PS: I'm just saying that a person who has been diagnosed with autism can be difficult or impossible to understand. It's possible to have autism and be a violent person. It's possible to have autism and be completely incapable of violence.

I'm not trying to offend anyone and I'm trying as hard as I can to use the exactly correct language. I'm sorry if I used any word that upset you. I'm only trying to convey how important it is for parents to take their children's abilities and inabilities VERY seriously, with regards to autism or anything else.

No offense taken...it just bothers me to see people blame autism for this horror. For every violent child out there who has autism there are six who don't. Autism does not make you violent. And every person out there who is odd or different is not autistic. Once again the media has loosed a Pandora's Box of misinformation on the public and most won't be intelligent enough not to believe everything the talking heads tell them.

UsedToBeHusky

Wow...that was deep and moving and scary. I believe that this type of mental illness and dis-ease is rapidly becoming the rule of the day, rather than the exception. I believe that the greater majority of families in our nation are quietly suffering this type of trauma and drama in daily family life. It is more than sad to me... it is scary:devil:

I think if we as a nation and people dare to look at some of the major contributing factors in our lifestyles (because we ALL are a reflection of our nation/society...no matter how much we want to think otherwise)--there we will see the "elephant in the room" and if we are courageous and dare to look at our own lifestyle and make changes...we will indeed see a decrease to this madness (literally). In my opinion, these are some of the major contributing factors in this terrible matter: .........................................

Bad behavior and bad upbringing are not the same things as actual mental illness.
No societal change would alter the way my son's brain is wired.

I'll 2nd that. My disorder would not be any different if my parents had raised me differently... they actually did a great job, which is why it's so hard to talk to a therapist - they typically think I don't even need therapy until I have to fess up to an emotional outburst that happened at home.

I just want to thank you for posting. You give me hope for my daughter.

monicalosesweight

My feeling on gun ownership is this...if you own any guns of any kind, regardless of whether you have children, other family members, or even if you live alone...I think that all guns should be secured under lock...in a gun cabinet, behind locked door, etc....that way, there will NEVER be an issue,,,if you live alone, this is still important because someone could break in and steal them....if this suggestion was followed there would not be those peeps that want to regulate gun ownership further than it is....

I completely agree with this. Guns should be under lock and key. Frankly, a gun shouldn't be sold without a special lock system that keeps it unusable until you need to access it. They need to improve the way guns are stored and frankly - a person should not be able to just buy a gun without the locking mechanism OR a special gun case. Heck, I'd be happy to have the cops deliver the gun to the person's house and be required to verify they have a storage case to keep it secure. I'm not against gun ownership, but it is odd that it's harder to get a driver's license than to buy a gun. Classes should be required to make sure people know what they are doing and aren't just buying and leaving them in cabinets to be stolen by intruders.

melsmith612

Wow...that was deep and moving and scary. I believe that this type of mental illness and dis-ease is rapidly becoming the rule of the day, rather than the exception. I believe that the greater majority of families in our nation are quietly suffering this type of trauma and drama in daily family life. It is more than sad to me... it is scary:devil:

I think if we as a nation and people dare to look at some of the major contributing factors in our lifestyles (because we ALL are a reflection of our nation/society...no matter how much we want to think otherwise)--there we will see the "elephant in the room" and if we are courageous and dare to look at our own lifestyle and make changes...we will indeed see a decrease to this madness (literally). In my opinion, these are some of the major contributing factors in this terrible matter: .........................................

Bad behavior and bad upbringing are not the same things as actual mental illness.
No societal change would alter the way my son's brain is wired.

I'll 2nd that. My disorder would not be any different if my parents had raised me differently... they actually did a great job, which is why it's so hard to talk to a therapist - they typically think I don't even need therapy until I have to fess up to an emotional outburst that happened at home.

I just want to thank you for posting. You give me hope for my daughter.

You're welcome! There are certainly ways to deal with it all. The biggest help I've had is consistency. I'm on my 2nd marriage and the main reason why my relationship hasn't failed yet is because my husband so consistently supports me and any effort I make to remain stable or get help when I feel I need it. He even entertained couples counseling for a while when I thought it would help us better understand how my problems interfer with our relationship. The best thing you can do for someone you love who is dealing with a mental illness is to just be there, be patient and be willing to go through the process of healing with them.

secretlobster

No offense taken...it just bothers me to see people blame autism for this horror. For every violent child out there who has autism there are six who don't. Autism does not make you violent. And every person out there who is odd or different is not autistic. Once again the media has loosed a Pandora's Box of misinformation on the public and most won't be intelligent enough not to believe everything the talking heads tell them.

No, definitely, I would never link autism to violence itself. But from the experience of my family, a child (or person) who has autism is a person who is difficult to understand, who (as has been said) is just wired differently. It has to be so hard being a parent who cannot emotionally connect with your child because he doesn't experience emotions the same way as you do. When that kid starts making statements like "I'm going to kill you", you don't know if he really means it or not. When he starts showing an interest in guns or violent video games (and I think in Adam Lanza's case, this was the situation, though he wasn't directly violent with people as a child), do you expect that he's doing it as an outlet like your average teenager, able to understand it's not something people do? Or do you take it as a sign that needs to be paid attention to? It's just the lack of connection, the lack of understanding of a child's INTENT... It's just impossible to determine that.

Silly_Sara

Thank you for sharing.

haroon_awan

Thanks for posting this.

faireplay

Personally, ANY child who threatens to kill someone, regardless of whether they have a behavior affecting condition, should be taken seriously. I have no doubt that this mother of Adam's was negligent in having the guns in the house.
His violent nature most likely had more to do with another of the disorders that occasionally occurs concurrently with autism. We are fortunate in our family that we don't deal with any of those. My autistic grandson is a sweet, loving child and I would hate for anyone to be fearful of him because of the half truths of the media

htimpaired

State run hospitals were shuttered because they are the most inhumane places ever conceived to warehouse and sedate (not treat) the mentally ill.

While I agree with the rest, I gotta stand up for my state's hospitals, because I am a social worker in one. I can't speak for other states, but in NY there is a huge focus on treatment and discharge, not medicate and shut away. It's anything but perfect, but we do our best to treat the patients and support them as they transition back into the community, rather than locking them up so society doesn't have to "deal with them".

That being said, there is a desperate need for more funding, more services, and better access to services. I posted this article on facebook yesterday because I thought it did a great job describing how frustrating it can be from the family's side of things.

secretlobster

Personally, ANY child who threatens to kill someone, regardless of whether they have a behavior affecting condition, should be taken seriously. I have no doubt that this mother of Adam's was negligent in having the guns in the house.
His violent nature most likely had more to do with another of the disorders that occasionally occurs concurrently with autism. We are fortunate in our family that we don't deal with any of those. My autistic grandson is a sweet, loving child and I would hate for anyone to be fearful of him because of the half truths of the media

yeah, I'm not sure what to believe in terms of Adam specifically, people who knew him have reported that he was a shy, withdrawn, very bright, and polite kid (yes I say "kid" because he's younger than me, heh). You're right though it's impossible to tell from media sources what kind of person he really was

savlyon

It was a really moving article. I'd love to be able to just take it "as-is". But Adam Lanza's mother also kept guns in the house with her mentally unstable child. I really feel awful for mothers of children who show violence through their mental illnesses, but Adam Lanza's mother is partially responsible for this event. As far as I've read, she was a responsible gun owner herself, and tried to teach her kid safe handling of a firearm, but he was mentally ill from childhood and there were numerous signs of violence in his personality. You can't expect a young adult who suffers from mental illness to be responsible with a gun.

I have younger family members with different degrees of autism (some violent on occasion) and while they are wonderful, caring people most of the time as individuals, there are some things that most human beings can handle that they cannot. They're not ever going to own guns because they don't have the capacity to be responsible with them 100% of the time, and they don't have the ability to regulate violent impulses like these. It sucks but that's reality. You can love someone unconditionally as your child and still retain awareness of what they are capable of. You can't deny that their brain doesn't function the way yours does.

I'm a huge advocate for awareness of mental health in the US. These kids are generally over-medicated and misunderstood. Mental illness is extremely costly to deal with. It's really shameful.

yes, thank you...

secretlobster

Also, 5 pages without name-calling or complete disrespect for other human beings. This thread deserves a medal

Blacklance36

Two points...the first is that owning a gun doesnt have to mean owning an automatic assault rifle with a huge clip and then giving your family access to it. Why did she own a gun like that in the first place? Thats not needed for "self defense".
The second point is that I agree with the comments on the media. The media has made him famous, even his name appearing in this topic adds to that. Sad but true, the media has made him a household name and perhaps thats what he wanted.

deksgrl

Automatic assault rifles are illegal. I bet that is not what she had.

quirkytizzy

I haven't seen anyone suggest criminalizing mental illness.
Unfortunately, the problem is not always a lack of available treatment. My son has received the very best of everything the medical and educational systems have to offer. We are not poor or uneducated. Even so, we have no good options for caring for him if he becomes more violent than I can manage or when I become too old to care for him. The only options offered are referred to in the article...just have him charged every chance you get and then when he gets to be too much for me to handle, I can have him end up in jail.
Those are my options. Care for him myself, or see him in jail. Since I cannot care for him myself forever, our outcome is pretty much pre-determined. If he doesn't kill himself he's very likely to end up in prison or homeless.

Take a moment to project that future for someone you love with all your soul and see what that does for you.

I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you.

quirkytizzy

Wow...that was deep and moving and scary. I believe that this type of mental illness and dis-ease is rapidly becoming the rule of the day, rather than the exception. I believe that the greater majority of families in our nation are quietly suffering this type of trauma and drama in daily family life. It is more than sad to me... it is scary:devil:

I think if we as a nation and people dare to look at some of the major contributing factors in our lifestyles (because we ALL are a reflection of our nation/society...no matter how much we want to think otherwise)--there we will see the "elephant in the room" and if we are courageous and dare to look at our own lifestyle and make changes...we will indeed see a decrease to this madness (literally). In my opinion, these are some of the major contributing factors in this terrible matter:

1.) The "self-esteem" and everyone is "equal".a.k.a. there is no differences between us, no right and wrong, no differences between men and women, children and adults, good and evil, dirty is clean (look how we spend big bucks on looking raggedy, buying dirty looking jeans and "distressed" clothes, women walking around looking like cheap h@@kers of yesteryear and absolutely proud of it--AMAZING, walking about looking like bums and paying top dollar,--it's ALL GOOD type of thinking, living, doing and being" and we're all the same hype--we must be able to do, say and be whatever we want to H&LL with everyone else::indifferent:

In our society today, we worship and cling to "if it feels good and we want to...do it--no matter what it does to our selves, our families, our bodies, our society--just DO IT because I want to (spoiled brats thinking and living)" mentally--ever man/woman for him or herself a.k.a. "spoiled and pampered" child run and worshipped mentally/society. Children today are the "bosses" of their homes and families--that what I have observed over the past, say 25 years or so. Parents are now at their children's "beck and call", children are absolutely "fearless" and not trained nor taught that there is a distinct difference in adults (and privileges and lifestyles of adults are and should be different for children) and are taught such in schools and their homes and our western society that discipline, self-control, responsibility, hard-work, earning your keep or reaping the "worldwind", respecting and honoring your elders are a thing of the past That putting a child in his or her place and teaching them at an early age that if they dare to disobey (that means to obey RIGHT AWAY and with a sweet and gentle attitude to boot--any other so-called "compliance is NOT true obedience--in my book anyway), that talk back and or not have a pleasant and agreeable, humble attitude when told what to do, will cause them to reap serious consequences (and I aint talking about not telling them work on games or toys either)...No...those days are gone, the days of LESS IS MORE, waiting and working HARD for what you want and considered today as --Draconian at best and evil at least.

Johnny or Suzy can't read? Drug em....don't spend time with them, because we're busy chasing the almighty dollar to get more stuff to keep Johnny and Suzy BUSY and DISTRACTED so we can do what we want to, when we want to. We now look at and proudly admire living in a 140 character society as a way of communicating with one another--if that doesn't show and tell us something, nothing will.


Think about it--when parents/people cared what society thought of them--when not only your parents tore your behind up for "acting out/up" but teachers and neighbors did too--When morals, values and standards kept people from doing what-so-ever they felt like it---you just didn't hear horrendous stories like this--did it happen? Yes, it happened--but it was RARE, it was the exception--not the rule, as it is today. We as a society are ALL guilty of petting and pampering and spoil brat lifestyle--from/for our children and ourselves as well.

When this was the rule of the day (teaching your children to honor and obey their parents) and raising/training children on being humble, kind and wise---you NEVER heard of children cussing their parents out, let alone killing them, as you hear so much of today. Yes...we now have children who can speak their minds, and as we beg them to pretty please do thus and such, in the name of a "kinder & gentler" society...we now have a nation wroth with mental illness and trauma and drama and woe!

2.) Television, computers, games and entertainment is the rule of the day in most homes. Interacting with your own children and spending time with them is RARE. We as a nation and society have replaced personal presence and time with the baby sitters of T.V., movies, music, and FUN, FUN, FUN, more is better! No rules, no regulations, no holds barred--if it feels good--do it. Consequences are not to be considered, nor even mentioned--until it's too late.

3.) What's causing our nation to be doomed with the epidemic of obesity is very much akin to this epidemic of violence and mayhem. The underlining reasons are just about the same: Greed/gluttony, laziness, apathy, fear, I want to do, eat, be what I want, when I want and how I want and if anyone DARES try to stop me...I'll go off. This is what happens when children rule and when adults abandon their responsibility of teaching, training, raising God fearing, parent honoring children....

Of course, this won't be popular--but that's a wee bit of my take on it...I can be wrong, I'm wrong about a great many things in this ole life, that's for sure!

Da *kitten*? Have you ever met anyone with a mental illness? Cuz it's sure as hell not this.....