I Am Adam Lanzas Mother

BeachGingerOnTheRocks

This is so painful to read and to know people who have lived through this as parents and siblings. Prayers for them all.

ElleEmmeKay

Wow, thank you so much for posting this. Every inch of me needed to read this. Thank you.

gertudejekyl

State run hospitals were shuttered because they are the most inhumane places ever conceived to warehouse and sedate (not treat) the mentally ill.
And until they hurt someone and declare criminally insane, there is nothing that a free society can do.
We are not North Korea or China. We cannot force adults to take medication against their will when they haven't done anything to harm someone else.

With freedom comes risk. I'd rather live with the risk than in a society that locks people up because they "might" commit a violent crime.

I agree with this articulate statement. The mom must have been a little off to have all that around her disturbed son.

tumblyweed

This woman is describing my son, my family and our lives.


http://gawker.com/5968818/i-am-adam-lanzas-mother

My family as well. I have been blogging about it here on my MFP blog, just for sanity's sake. I am so sorry for what you are going through.
My children have been diagnosed with RAD. Life is a living hell. I homeschool and just don't know how much longer I can do this. Real treatment is impossible and people have a hard time comprehending that children can suffer from mental / emotional illness.
I have found support through ATN, the Attachment and Trauma Network.
There seems to be a little hope in a petition on Change.org. There are HUNDREDS of comments from parents like us with stories so similar and real. We need help... badly.
The link to the petition at Change.org is here. Read the comments. More families are suffering than people know and for those who are not... just be grateful that I homeschool my kids and don't send them to school with yours...

http://www.change.org/petitions/the-president-of-the-united-states-post-adoptive-support-for-children-with-reactive-attachment-disorder#supporters

MrsAgi

I'm in the UK, and whereas I appreciate the NHS which provided the diagnosis and CAMHS Counselling for my son (now aged 12, and bigger and stronger than me or hubby), I was also told that the only way to get actual support for him/the rest of the family was for him to be arrested or hospitalised:(

NikoM5

Wow. Unbelievable to read what some of you are dealing with. You are a courageous group.

louiselebeau

I have been a corrections officer for 8 years. I can tell you 100% that most offenders are on some kind of psychiatric treatment or another. Most of them take medications for it at least once a day. I firmly believe if we have the capability to sustain and treat them in prison for an extended period of time, then we should be able to treat them in a center them for extended periods of time as well, regardless of insurance. There are many inmates who would not be inmates and could even have been productive members of society (gasp!) had they received extended treatment in their adolescence.

tumblyweed

It's appalling the help is not there but it'd have to get the child away from its siblings no matter what. Must be incredibly tough though x

Balancing your family's safety and the well being of your mentally ill child is beyond difficult. Most of the time, dealing with my older son is simply frustrating and annoying. Most of the time he's like a particularly big pain in the *kitten* teenager. Most of the time I can't bear the idea of him being institutionalized. When he's at his worst though...I fear for my wife and other son.
One of our options is for my wife and I to separate. She would take my younger son, I would take the older. We could visit often. This would keep them safe.
It may come to that.

One of my support buddies just had to do the same thing. And, I have a few others who have been living this way for years.
For my part, I am single and am raising two. They were adopted and I had only sketchy history in the beginning.
We've been told the following from my kids (ages 6 and 8) therapists: lock my bedroom door at night, put a bell or alarm chime on my oldest's door to keep both girls safe from each other, hide all knives, no more pets whatsoever as they are not safe from my children. And yet, these kids have been denied time and again for proper Residential Treatment.
I do follow all of the recommendations, but really want a dog. I need some sort of companionship in my home. I didn't realise how bad it was in the beginning and both girls hurt our (and my brother's) pets. I know much more now and am strongly considering getting a little dog that bites like hell. (My last dog, my oldest beat and my littlest kiddo poisoned our turtles (and tried to kill my brother's pit). Should people have to live like this??? And if you don't think this sounds horrible, trust my, this is just the tip of my iceberg. Every moment is a struggle in my house and my kids fear no discipline and accept no reason.

Sorry for the vent...

BeachGingerOnTheRocks

I have been a corrections officer for 8 years. I can tell you 100% that most offenders are on some kind of psychiatric treatment or another. Most of them take medications for it at least once a day. I firmly believe if we have the capability to sustain and treat them in prison for an extended period of time, then we should be able to treat them in a center them for extended periods of time as well, regardless of insurance. There are many inmates who would not be inmates and could even have been productive members of society (gasp!) had they received extended treatment in their adolescence.

I completely agree. Not everyone can be a productive citizen, but having better treatment options for youth would go a long way to helping those who just need a chance.

Ivian_

I own guns. Often go to the shooting range. Carry guns. And am trained and licensed to do so. There is no way I would even consider having guns in my home if I lived with or cared for a mentally ill adult or child. Nancy Lanza was not being a responsible gun owner. Unfortunately, the easily accessible weapons she legally purchased and owned, made it into the wrong hands. Gun owners need to have common sense.

My 2 year old, incredibly smart, God-daughter is at my home with my mom, who takes care of her all day. She's not a challenged child, or does she have any mental illnesses. But my guns, aside from the one I carry, are locked up, unloaded, in a safe that unless you blow up it up, you're not getting into. On top of that, I lock my bedroom door. They're called precautions. Responsible gun owners have these and practice them.

As for more support for the mentally ill, I agree it's the first thing we need to address in order to keep these things from happening again. Not prisons. These tragedies will continue to happen if these children and adults aren't looked out for. I empathize will the mothers and fathers who deal with children who are challenged. My husband's uncle needed to be institutionalized the day he almost choked his dad (my husband's granddad) to death over a cigarette. He grabbed him by the throat and didn't let off until 3 of his other uncles jumped in to get him off. They couldn't risk having him at home and hoping he was actually taking his medication and not spitting them out after the fact. Fortunately, he is being taken care of now in a controlled environment, with round the clock care; something many families need but can't afford or don't have access to or aren't willing to try. The stigma around mental illness in this country is terrible. It needs to change so that our loved ones are getting the health care they need.

UsedToBeHusky

Thank you all for sharing your stories. Honestly, my daughter struggles with these emotions and the sibling rivalry between her and her sister is always difficult. But reading some of what you all have been through, I find myself grateful that my daughter's issues aren't much worse and that we have managed to find some solutions.

At the same time, though, your stories scare me and worry me. My daughter is a good, sweet, intelligent child. But her rages interfere with her judgment, and the reprecussions of that is what I fear most. Just this morning, she really wanted to wear a certain pair of shoes and was excited about it (a pair that her sister didn't want), but they didn't fit. The frustration caused her to lash out and kick the shoes off her feet. They flew across the room. Fortunately, they didn't hit anything or anyone, but the lack of impulse control has gotten her in trouble before. If she had hit something or someone, it wouldn't have been intentional, but people don't always understand that, especially, in the schools.

My heart goes out to you all and your loved ones.

MelStren

I read this article yesterday and while I haven't read every comment made here, I do have one question. Why was Adam Lanzas' mother an avid gun collector? If she had a son who was unstable, unpredictable or violent, then why did she have guns in the home?

I know we can't remove every possible weapon from our homes, but why add actual weapons if you have a child who is sometimes?, could be?, violent?

iAMsmiling

I read this article yesterday and while I haven't read every comment made here, I do have one question. Why was Adam Lanzas' mother an avid gun collector? If she had a son who was unstable, unpredictable or violent, then why did she have guns in the home?

I know we can't remove every possible weapon from our homes, but why add actual weapons if you have a child who is sometimes?, could be?, violent?

She either did not understand the depth of his issues, did not make the connection that he could become that violent (who wants to believe that of their child?), or was negligent.

UsedToBeHusky

I read this article yesterday and while I haven't read every comment made here, I do have one question. Why was Adam Lanzas' mother an avid gun collector? If she had a son who was unstable, unpredictable or violent, then why did she have guns in the home?

I know we can't remove every possible weapon from our homes, but why add actual weapons if you have a child who is sometimes?, could be?, violent?

I don't know all the details, but I imagine that she didn't realize or want to believe that he was capable of something like this. Honestly, this couldn't have been predicted. You can't punish someone for something that they haven't done yet, and you can't make assumptions. Maybe he had never been violent before now. Maybe she had them locked up and believed that he couldn't get to them. Honestly, it is not fair to judge her without having all the facts and I'm sorry, but if you are getting your information from the media, then odds are that you do not have all the facts.

melsmith612

I've noticed many people posting that they know someone who acts similarly to the child in this article. My heart goes out to all of you. I am that child, grown now. I have suffered from fits of rage that turn into suicidal thoughts (very quickly) since I was a teenager. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this disorder feel free to look it up... many similarities to what was described in this article. It is literally a struggle every single day to fight the excessive emotions involved but it is possible to live a (somewhat) normal life. In my experience, therapy/counseling does very little because the emotional fits of sadness and rage do not come on demand for others to see but unexpectedly and sometimes so intense that it's frightening to even listen to yourself. I've been on several different medications and types of medications with very little relief from my symptoms. I've found that anti-anxiety medication on an as-needed basis has been the most effective for dulling down those excessive emotions that prompt outbursts. The sad part is that this disorder is very often misdiagnosed as bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety or even multiple personality disorder. Some psychiatric professionals even refuse to use this diagnosis because of its large variety of symptoms and how often it can present as something else. Anyone out there that is living with someone who has these types of emotional outbursts really does need to be careful and make sure they have a safety plan in place. My own husband has been forced to call 911 on me and during my more lucid moments, I encourage him to do so. I would encourage others to do the same if presented with explosive rage or threats of suicide. A few trips to the hospital ER is enough to make anyone think twice before allowing their emotions to take control again.

tumblyweed

I read this article yesterday and while I haven't read every comment made here, I do have one question. Why was Adam Lanzas' mother an avid gun collector? If she had a son who was unstable, unpredictable or violent, then why did she have guns in the home?

I know we can't remove every possible weapon from our homes, but why add actual weapons if you have a child who is sometimes?, could be?, violent?

Sometimes you need to hope your child isn't as crazy as you think he is. This was a very stupid way on her part and purely poor judgement. I should NOT be looking for a dog, I know this. But, I have also lost / given up so much already, that I need something. Dog, around children with a history of animal abuse? Pretty stupid on my part. Gun, with a mentally unstable child? Grave error.
There are no excuses that I can find for her stupidity.

ShinyFuture

It is powerful and tragic and a travesty that mental heath care is not given more importance in this country. That said, it's also crazy that she would have an arsenal of assault weapons and ammunition that her mentally disturbed son had access to. If my kid was even a tiny fraction of that bad I'd have the steak knives under lock and key.

Unbelievably, not only did the shooter have access to all those assault weapons, his mother made sure he was taught how to use them!

Re this woman's story - While I totally agree that mental health care access is shamefully lacking in this country, I was very disturbed by the part about the younger children having been trained to run/hide/lock themselves in somewhere to protect themselves from their older brother when he became violent and irrational. At what point do you decide its ok to risk the safety and possibly lives of your younger children in order to keep another child who is this volatile (sp?) in the home?

UsedToBeHusky

I read this article yesterday and while I haven't read every comment made here, I do have one question. Why was Adam Lanzas' mother an avid gun collector? If she had a son who was unstable, unpredictable or violent, then why did she have guns in the home?

I know we can't remove every possible weapon from our homes, but why add actual weapons if you have a child who is sometimes?, could be?, violent?

Another thing to think about... this wasn't a child... this was grown man. If the guns hadn't have been in the house, then he would have acquired them from somewhere else eventually.

iAMsmiling

It is powerful and tragic and a travesty that mental heath care is not given more importance in this country. That said, it's also crazy that she would have an arsenal of assault weapons and ammunition that her mentally disturbed son had access to. If my kid was even a tiny fraction of that bad I'd have the steak knives under lock and key.

Unbelievably, not only did the shooter have access to all those assault weapons, his mother made sure he was taught how to use them!

Re this woman's story - While I totally agree that mental health care access is shamefully lacking in this country, I was very disturbed by the part about the younger children having been trained to run/hide/lock themselves in somewhere to protect themselves from their older brother when he became violent and irrational. At what point do you decide its ok to risk the safety and possibly lives of your younger children in order to keep another child who is this volatile (sp?) in the home?

At what point do you jettison one kid to try to save the others? Put yourself in a lifeboat with your kids. Now, decide when it's ok to throw one overboard to save the others.

joe7880

I'm sorry but I really don't agree. People have mental health issues all over the world but school shootings don't occur as regularly as they do in the USA. Maybe if guns were illegal and people stopped blaming the government, the illness, the health care etc instead of looking closer to home these tragedies wouldn't occur.
Maybe I am being too controversial? I'm sure I'll get many responses as to why I am wrong!

I don't think taking guns out of the hands of responsible people is the answer, but clearly those with mental problems like Adam Lanza need to be kept away from guns. There is no real good answer for what needs to be done simply because nomatter what heppens, those sweet/innocent kids will never come back, and the innocence of the survivors is also gone forever.

secretlobster

She was delusional to think that educating him in gun safety and responsibility would be possible. This means she must have been in some kind of denial about her son's problems. He was 20, barely an adult. It must be almost impossibly difficult for a parent to completely accept that their child is capable of violence. Unfortunately, this is a possible consequence of that denial. He had shown a tendency toward violence before and was engaged in violent dialogue with other people. Like many others who suffer from the same problems, he was highly intelligent.

It's sad, but this mother chose her hobby over the safety of her family. There is no way to have a safe environment for an intelligent, fully grown man with violent tendencies through mental health issues, and have guns in that environment. It's always a risk. A smart person will figure out how to get into the gun safe. It's a risk that she took against what should have been her better judgment.

You're right, he would have been able to access a gun somehow if he had the wherewithal. But better resources, and perhaps better USE of resources, could have stopped the problem before it got to the point where all he needed was an appropriate weapon.

barbaramitchell101

My feeling on gun ownership is this...if you own any guns of any kind, regardless of whether you have children, other family members, or even if you live alone...I think that all guns should be secured under lock...in a gun cabinet, behind locked door, etc....that way, there will NEVER be an issue,,,if you live alone, this is still important because someone could break in and steal them....if this suggestion was followed there would not be those peeps that want to regulate gun ownership further than it is....

Of course, regulating this would be a pain....

when my oldest daughter was about 3, she got ahold of a pistol that my BF had next to the bed in our room (one of the neighbors had been harrassing us after he had assaulted my BF with a sword and cut off several of his fingers)..my BF had gone to work, he worked in a hosp as a respiratory therapist, and I was answering the phone in the kitchen... the gun went off and my child was shot in the ankle...shattered it completely....even now, she has problems with that ankle, with walking any distance, or even exercising....it could have been MUCH worse...

my current BF has several rifles, but the bedroom where these firearms are kept, is locked whenever we are not in the house.... and always when he is at work, he works out of town....so this room is SELDOM unlocked.....and the door locks automatically when you close the door....

anyway, these are my thoughts...

as for the mentally illl, I work as a biller in this field...and I've seen a huge increase in the need for services...my clinic is TRIBAL and because of this, ALL Natives that come to us for help, GET THE SERVICES REGARDLESS OF INSURANCE COVERAGE.... .they are NEVER charged a co-pay, or if they have no coverage at all, some MEDICAID RECIPIENTS have been dropped from Medcaid becasue they have NO children, these people ARE NOT TURNED AWAY AND ARE NOT BILLED FOR SERVICES PERSONALLY...the only thing we can't do is PAY for them to go to REHAB....but we do arrange for them to get a bed, even tho it may be in a different location from what they request....we just find WHERE A BED IS, then go from there...we will also transport them to this facility if needed....for American Indian TribAL Members, there seems to be MORE Gov assisstance regarding Mental Health/Substance Abuse funding...so actually I see a different picture than the rest of you....but the REHABS we use are geared toward Native Americans, which includes their culture in the programs...

Alliwan

I read this also, its has described our lives for the last 13 years. my daughter was very out of control emotionally since she was 2 and a half. Would try jumping out of the moving car on the freeway, tried to commit suicide as best a 3 year old could, rages that were so violent to those around her with nothing major to set her off, could be anything. She was dx as bipolar at age 5 and its taken us till jsu the last year or two, she's now 15 almost 16, to get her to a relative 'stable' position. Lots and lots of therapy, drugs for bipolar, speach, senory, OT, physical, etc therapy. talk therapy, behaviorial therapy, hospitalizations, etc.

She's extremely bright, IQ is mensa level but cant logically make her brain and emotions do what she wants them to do.

she's now able to express herself, can describe how she feels inside, why she cant or has an extremely hard time controlling her behavior or what's going on in her mind beforehand. She is better able to check her situation against her emotional status and can decide if she can stay in a situation, or has to stay home, or can get by with a small dose of a prn drug. She has thanked me for not giving up, she knew something was wrong, wasnt the bad girl everyone said she was but didnt know how to control it or what was wrong to let others know how to fix it.

Its hard when others judge, make blanket statements about psychotropic drugs for kids, or how its all parenting issues, etc. My daughter describes it like a diabetic in her brain. You wouldnt tell a diabetic to suck it up and deal without insulin if they needed it, why would you do the same to a bipolar person who cant control her brain chemicals anymore than a diabetic can control her insulin levels? Just like a diabetic watches their diet and excersise to help minimize the frequency of needing insulin, a bipolar watches their surroundings, their emotional state and takes their meds to help control and minimize the frequency of needing meds/hospitalization.

The mental health services in the US is horrible. I wasnt old enough to know how things were in the institutions on the 1980's but what we have now doesnt work. Its VERY hard to get the needed services from your insurance/medicad/doctors without them having a police record and a judge ordering it. In MANY states, you have to give up custody of your kids to get them any kind of residential treatment, even if its only needed for a year or two. Then you have to petition for custody and prove your not the bad parent you had to be labeled as, to get you kid back when they no longer need the residential treatment. How is that beneficial to the family or society as a whole in the long run? Strong family bonds and your parents being your best advocate for your care is usually, for most children, the best way to get them help early so they dont suffer for years, hurt their family, friends, themselves or as we've seen recently, other innocent ppl in society.

As great as gun control could or couldnt be, mental health is the underlying issue in most of these situations. If we help early, we help society as a whole.

tumblyweed

"[/quote]

Unbelievably, not only did the shooter have access to all those assault weapons, his mother made sure he was taught how to use them!

Re this woman's story - While I totally agree that mental health care access is shamefully lacking in this country, I was very disturbed by the part about the younger children having been trained to run/hide/lock themselves in somewhere to protect themselves from their older brother when he became violent and irrational. At what point do you decide its ok to risk the safety and possibly lives of your younger children in order to keep another child who is this volatile (sp?) in the home?
[/quote]"


In response to the above quote: That's the problem. It's almost impossible to get these kids proper care. She clearly is trying; she turned the car around and drove him to the hospital. There, she did not hesitate to call the police.The problem is that they usually don't keep these kids that long and it's near impossible to get them into Residential Treatment programs. Do you think she likes living in fear? I sure don't.
My 8 year old slammed my 6 year old's head into her car window over and over and over and over again as hard as she could while I was driving once. And yet, I STILL cannot get her into RTC. Instead, I am told to put a bell or chime on the oldest kids door for their safety. I'm told to lock up my knives. I'm told to not get a pet. I'm told to sleep with my door locked. It is almost impossible to get proper treatment and relinquishing your parental rights to protect the other children means you face Felony (or misdemeanor) Child Abandonment charges (at least in my state, and yes, I checked). I have contacted Child Services and even threatened to spank my oldest in the director's office so that they had enough evidence to remove my child (bad parenting moment, I know). The response I got? "Spanking IS legal in this state and we are NOT taking your child unless you want to face charges".
It's a catch-22...

No one should have to live like this or make these terrible decisions. My child is broken. Not her arm or her leg. SHE is broken and I cannot get the help to help her.

secretlobster

Edit: Sorry responded incorrectly

DavidC1857

Re this woman's story - While I totally agree that mental health care access is shamefully lacking in this country, I was very disturbed by the part about the younger children having been trained to run/hide/lock themselves in somewhere to protect themselves from their older brother when he became violent and irrational. At what point do you decide its ok to risk the safety and possibly lives of your younger children in order to keep another child who is this volatile (sp?) in the home?

It is not just shamefully lacking. In some cases it is non-existent.

So how do you get the child out of the home? They can't be forcefully hospitalized unless they are a minor, or commit a crime. You can't afford the hospital unless you have really, really good insurance and then maybe still not.

Or they commit a crime and become a ward of the state and then the state is going to try to get them out as quickly as possible, because they don't want the cost either. And/or misdiagnose them. Or make them worse with the wrong treatment.

You can't put them in jail, again until they commit a crime. And then you have the same problem. The jails are overcrowded and they're releasing violent criminals every day.

Throw them out on the street? If they're a minor, then you've committed a crime, essentially.

There is no solution for too many of these parents.

ShinyFuture

It is powerful and tragic and a travesty that mental heath care is not given more importance in this country. That said, it's also crazy that she would have an arsenal of assault weapons and ammunition that her mentally disturbed son had access to. If my kid was even a tiny fraction of that bad I'd have the steak knives under lock and key.

Unbelievably, not only did the shooter have access to all those assault weapons, his mother made sure he was taught how to use them!

Re this woman's story - While I totally agree that mental health care access is shamefully lacking in this country, I was very disturbed by the part about the younger children having been trained to run/hide/lock themselves in somewhere to protect themselves from their older brother when he became violent and irrational. At what point do you decide its ok to risk the safety and possibly lives of your younger children in order to keep another child who is this volatile (sp?) in the home?

At what point do you jettison one kid to try to save the others? Put yourself in a lifeboat with your kids. Now, decide when it's ok to throw one overboard to save the others.

Well, I never said kill the child. But if you have to train your little kids to lock themselves in somewhere so their older brother doesn't hurt them or worse, then yes, I think you have to look at this issue. And if, god forbid, he did seriously injure or kill one of them, then she's lost both of them because he would be locked up - be it in a mental facility or a detention facility. I'm just saying that a group home or residential facility where people are trained to deal with mental health issues should be considered - for the safety and well-being of both the younger children and the boy himself.

secretlobster

There is no solution for too many of these parents.

This is the sad, unfortunate, truth. For parents of a violent, mentally ill child in America, there are very few, if any, options. Sadly the mother set the trigger on a time bomb by insisting she live with guns, but gun ownership aside, to parents in her position, there is a SCARY lack of solutions besides "completely abandon your child".

iAMsmiling

It is powerful and tragic and a travesty that mental heath care is not given more importance in this country. That said, it's also crazy that she would have an arsenal of assault weapons and ammunition that her mentally disturbed son had access to. If my kid was even a tiny fraction of that bad I'd have the steak knives under lock and key.

Unbelievably, not only did the shooter have access to all those assault weapons, his mother made sure he was taught how to use them!

Re this woman's story - While I totally agree that mental health care access is shamefully lacking in this country, I was very disturbed by the part about the younger children having been trained to run/hide/lock themselves in somewhere to protect themselves from their older brother when he became violent and irrational. At what point do you decide its ok to risk the safety and possibly lives of your younger children in order to keep another child who is this volatile (sp?) in the home?

At what point do you jettison one kid to try to save the others? Put yourself in a lifeboat with your kids. Now, decide when it's ok to throw one overboard to save the others.

Well, I never said kill the child. But if you have to train your little kids to lock themselves in somewhere so their older brother doesn't hurt them or worse, then yes, I think you have to look at this issue. And if, god forbid, he did seriously injure or kill one of them, then she's lost both of them because he would be locked up - be it in a mental facility or a detention facility. I'm just saying that a group home or residential facility where people are trained to deal with mental health issues should be considered - for the safety and well-being of both the younger children and the boy himself.

I agree. Maybe we should open a few group homes or mental health facilities. As it is, I have no long term options. I can get him in to residential treatment for a few weeks at a time during a crisis, but that's all we've been able to manage.

UsedToBeHusky

In MANY states, you have to give up custody of your kids to get them any kind of residential treatment, even if its only needed for a year or two. Then you have to petition for custody and prove your not the bad parent you had to be labeled as, to get you kid back when they no longer need the residential treatment. How is that beneficial to the family or society as a whole in the long run? Strong family bonds and your parents being your best advocate for your care is usually, for most children, the best way to get them help early so they dont suffer for years, hurt their family, friends, themselves or as we've seen recently, other innocent ppl in society.

This, I think, is the greatest tragedy of the whole system. My friend was forced to admit to being a neglectful parent to get help for her son who was suffering from schizophreniform. Fortunately, he is as functioning of an adult as he can be, but she has been labeled an unfit parent. She would like to adopt her sister's child (her sister also suffering from mental illness) but can't because of the documentation that she had to sign to get help for her son.

The mental health system is in SERIOUS need of reform.