Being called a "fat *kitten*" by my husband....
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That would hurt a lot to be called a fat *kitten*. It is not right and your husband needs help.
However, it is commendable that you are wanting to work things out and honour your commitment to him.
I was once in your shoes, and all the advisers around me told me "you deserve to be happy". "Plan your exit strategy".
My husband had mental issues/personality changes after a brain injury. It has taken 6 years to get things manageable with the help of neuro psychologists and medication. It was a living hell through those years. The kids were young. I am so glad I did not listen to my advisers, one was even my doctor. Things are so much better now.
Divorce does not solve problems especially when children are involved. Custody and access visits become explosive ammunition. New partners come along and the dynamics get even more complicated.
Love your enemy....."love is patient, love is kind, does not seek revenge..."
If yours or your childrens lives are in danger, then it is necessary to leave. If it is just a difficult situation, remember not to repay evil for evil. The situation will get worse.
Keep your eyes fixed on eternity so you will hear "Well, done, my good and faithful servant." Life on earth is very short compared to eternity.0 -
doesn't it go something like this?
for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer: in sickness and in health; to love, to honor, and to cherish, for all the days of our lives.
I don't think he's keeping up his end of the bargain and broke the contract.
Hells to the yes. He's already proven that your marriage isn't sacred to him if he'd treat a spouse like that. I'd say it's no longer a marriage and just a miserable sentence. I don't get how people "don't believe in divorce". Your husband doesn't believe in respecting you. Don't just put up with it because you have some idea that you have to stay married for whatever reason. Divorce is not wrong.
At the very least, go to counseling or yell at his stupid *kitten*.0 -
just take those hurtful words and turn them in to motivation. PROVE HIM WRONG! XD then he will just be the stupid one.
He's already the stupid one. And people like him will just find another way to tear her down. They don't accept being "proven wrong".0 -
i also believe "to HONOR AND CHERISH in SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH" is in those vows somewhere not "to verbally abuse and brow beat"
hope things get better for you0 -
You do not deserve to be abused by this man!0
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I wonder if people realise the damage their words do. I was discussing this this morning and recalled nasty remarks my brother used to make to me as a child. I was probably around 40 before I found 'myself', my courage and the backbone to stand up for myself.
Anything dished out by another person that makes us feel bad about ourselves IS abuse. No one has that right. I am glad you felt able to share your feelings here. :flowerforyou:0 -
I was married to a woman who said the exact same things to me. I was fat the whole 29 years we were together because her 24 hour abuse zapped the strength from me. I stuck with her because that sadist had me convinced I didn't deserve any better. I only got free because I was lucky enough to outlive her.
For the last eight years I've been a healthy happy relationship and life is good. Looking back now with a fresh perspective, I should have divorced her after an honest try at making it work. No one deserves to be verbally or physically abused by their spouse.
My advice, run screaming into the night. When the sun comes up, run faster.0 -
Nothing you can do about someone elses behavior, but you can change how you handle it. Assuming it is safe to do so, you need to confront him, and let him know he is being hurtful. Ask him if that was his intention. If he says he didn't mean to hurt you (I think I'm giving him too much credit here, btw), then ask him to make a conscious effort to NOT hurt you. Indeed, if he could be encouraging and supportive, that'd be much better. Now, if he's is not interested in being supportive, that's another matter. And if you are willing to put up w/ being treated this way, then you certainly must develope a thicker skin than the average person. Keep in mind that you're not improving for him or for anyone else; this is only for you. The best you is the you that will be best for those who need you and love you.
Just my two cents.
Good luck.0 -
Ok. So I'm going to look at this from a different perspective. I've only read the title and some of the posts.
If he called you beautiful he is enabling you to get big. All of the big pople I know, their significant other doesn't say anything to let them know that what they are doing is unacceptable. Calling someone fat, when they are fat, isn't degrading as much as it is a painful reminder of the truth.
***Abuse is him hitting you, or telling you something else is hurtful AND untrue***
It should neve hurt to hear the truth. If it does, change the truth so it doesn't hurt, or accept the truth.
The truth is I'm a fat *kitten*.
Uh, you're kidding, right?0 -
No one thinks it's ok. But unlike the rest of society, she understands that not everything is worthy of breaking up a family. So many people think divorce is the answer to a bad marriage, and end up with a bad divorce - ie. worse attitude from ex, traumatized kids, crappy finances, dealing with the ex's new love interest - all for the opportunity to find someone else that will also come with their own set of problems. Plus, you don't know what else is going on. He might be fantastic in other ways besides being a mouthy "fill-in-the-blank." Or, maybe he's been great but morphed during stressful life changes.
One woman told me that she thought her godfather to be the best guy she'd ever met - she was surprised to learn from her godmother that he wasn't always so wonderful, and it took time for him to develop.
Calling someone a fatass, telling her she'll never be thin, and that's she no good for anything (check the original post for the full list of what he has said) is not the "wonderful man" you "cultivate into developing."
You're codependant and unhealthy as hell if you believe that she should continue to stay and cultivate that.0 -
Not saying what he said was ok, but waiting a few hours for your food to digest when you were supposed to go for a walk together. That is an excuse to get out of going. You do not need to wait but maybe a half hour. So, he is not the only one to blame in that situation.0
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This post made me sad. Your partner should love and support you. Love should never hurt. Someone who loves you will not hurt you physically or emotionally. Please consider this. If you have children you may want to consider leaving this guy. Ask yourself if you would want them to be married to someone so cruel. Set the example. You deserve better & you need to tell him so. You could try counseling to see if this marriage is capable of being a healthy one. If not you will need to make some hard decisions. Good luck to you.0
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just take those hurtful words and turn them in to motivation. PROVE HIM WRONG! XD then he will just be the stupid one.
This...eff him!0 -
Tell him to go f*** himself. I have been overweight my entire marriage and my husband would NEVER bring me down like that. You deserve better!!0
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doesn't really help. I've been dieting and doing light exercise. Just because I wanted to put our kids down for a nap after lunch and let my food digest before going for a 4 mile long walk doesn't make me lazy. I never said we weren't going to go, just that I wanted to wait a few hours. However, being called a lazy fat *kitten* by him doesn't really make me feel all that motivated to work out. Being told that I will never be thin again, that I will never be good for anything, and that I'm stupid isn't going to fix anything and just makes me feel worse about what little progress I've made. It also doesn't really help my depression. I know everyone's going to say to just leave him, but I actually believe in my marriage vows and don't believe in divorce.
I also believe in the vows, and believe divorce is the last option, but he has already broken the vows to love, honor, and cherish you.0 -
ever think that maybe this is adding to your depression? does he treat you this way in every aspect of your married life or just about your weight? no one deserves to be talked to like this.0
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Your husband sounds like a jerk.
Also, marriage vows don't excuse his abusive behavior. Verbal abuse IS abuse and you don't need to put up with that. Divorces exist for a reason.0 -
Sounds like he wants you to stay overweight while also ruining your self esteem by name calling and belittling you. Sounds like he may have some insecurity issues. Maybe you need the work for your appearance, but sounds like he needs just as much, if not more help for his issues... Good luck, keep doing what you're doing and keep your head up no matter what. It's his issue, not yours!0
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If my husband called me that I would consider that a symptom of a very large problem with the relationship (lack of respect) and I would leave him if he did not apologize and fully see the problem with words like that. Honestly.0
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I hope your children don't hear you being verbally abused by their father. :frown:
I hope you find something that works for you and your family. Best of luck.0 -
I'm not going to go through the mountains of pages from this post. But I'll say this:
*kitten* HIM!
10 years ago I probably would've been quiet and internally kept it all in. But now that I've got this inner confidence as I've gotten older (even more now so since getting healthy)? Lets just say I got a mouth on me. And I'd NEVER let my spouse put me down this way. I give as good as I get. Maybe that's why I'm almost 28 and never been married... I refuse to settle.
He may not be using his hands and hitting you physically but verbal abuse is much worse. If you're such a "fat *kitten*" as he lovingly likes to say, maybe the bed is just a bit too small for him to sleep? He might feel more comfortable on the couch in the living room. What a douchecannon!0 -
You have kids. Your kids will think it is acceptable to model his behavior and words if you don't do anything! I left my husband due to his verbal abuse once he started directing it to my boys. Your husband WILL start verbally abusing your kids. And you may not believe in divorce but you need to protect your kids if you are not willing to do it for yourself.0
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that is emotional and verbal abuse sweetie. Men can be so insensitive. In a stuipd demented way he might be thinking that saying stuff like will motivate you. When in all reality it would do anything but motivate me. I can see why it depresses you. Please tell him how you feel and that kind of crap only hurts you. It sounds like it will be hard on you to tell him that, but once it is out you will feel better. Good luck to you.0
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Um. You're still with this guy, because? Honey, that's emotional abuse. If a man ever spoke to me like that I'd hit him upside the head with a frying pan and then dump his *kitten*.
You don't believe in divorce but you believe in being degraded by a man? Priorities, beautiful.
Oh yeah, this. His options would be STFU, counseling, or curb. Some men do think they are being helpful, but they are dumbasses. This can be the beginning of abuse. Go to the gym, get strong, and kick his *kitten*.0 -
lose the weight and then leave him for someone younger and better looking! by the way..if ur fine with ur weight stay as u are..dont lose weight for him. ridiculas0
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I actually believe in my marriage vows and don't believe in divorce.
Well, divorce does exist, unlike Santa or the Easter Bunny. It often is the right answer. But, if you prefer an abusive relationship, that's your business. But, don't complain when it happens because you are choosing it.0 -
Your husband is an abusive prick.0
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If you aren't going to leave him, at least refuse to be a doormat. People usually only treat you as good as you demand so you need to raise the bar regarding respect. Lay ground rules and stick to them. Counseling would be good.
As for your diet and exercise, you only need POSITIVE people in the loop. Make your own diet and fitness plans. You dont need to use him to aid your accountability. He is taking that responsibility to a mentally abusive level. Don't talk to him about your diet. If he is on here, de-friend him and change your password if he knows it. If he comments on what you eat, don't engage him in an argument or boohoo session, just tell him you have budgeted it in your calories. Keep in mind if you stop eating X he will think his policing your diet is ok. If you let him dictate when you work out you are giving him the control, thereby giving him your success. This isn't his success. You are in charge of you. Dont walk with him. Walk on your own or with a girlfriend.0 -
OMG if my husband said that to me he'd be minus two balls.0
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I believe in marriage vows too. But, I also know that you do NOT deserve to be verbally abused by anyone. You don't.
Have you tried therapy (both for yourself and as a couple)?
^^^THIS0
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