A question for men with wives/significant others
Replies
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Honestly, I think it's really rude of him to have so little regard for your food preferences when he's cooking for the two of you. That kind of reminds me of my mother-in-law who invited us over for Christmas dinner and EVERY dish contained one of the 3 things I'm allergic to. I mean... some of the things she had to get creative with to make it in such a way that I couldn't eat it.
My point is, my mother-in-law did it because she's passive agressive and doesn't like me. You need to figure out why your husband is doing it. Is it a power thing? Is it because he feels bad because you have the motivation to get healthy and he doesn't? It's really not difficult to make veggies with AND without meat. If he REALLY doesn't want to, ask him to set aside some of the preped veggies before he cooks them and you'll cook them yourself when you get home (the prep work takes the most time anyway... steaming them would be super fast).0 -
In my house I do the majority of cooking but that's because I really enjoy it. My fiancee, DLV147 and I don't always want the same things. This sometime has me using all 4 burners. If I'm eating grilled chicken and she's just tired of it I will make her something different. It I'm eating quinoa and she wants salad instead, she gets salad. I'm not going to force her to eat what she doesn't want because she isn't a child. If she wants sauteed onions I will make them for her and not for me because I'm just not a fan. We discuss what's for dinner early in the day and we agree on stuff. Sometimes I will add stuff to her plate and she doesn't feel like eating it and that's fine with me. She doesn't always enjoy the things I like. Food shopping, we go to the supermarket buy what we need for 2 weeks but then I always to to a different supermarket that has all the organic and fresher fruit and veggies I want. Yes it can get expensive but we work hard for what we want and I spoil myself with whatever food I want to buy. She used to fry everything, now she grills and bakes instead because she knows I won't eat it fried.
I think its all about being considerate towards each other. If you've told him and he doesn't listen then to me that shows a lack of consideration for you needs and wants. At that point I would not feel bad about hurting his feelings because I would think he's not that sensitive to get truly hurt by it.
Thanks for your input. Maybe he wouldn't be as sensitive or offended about it as I think. I'll just tell him I'm not going to be eating everything he cooks anymore if he can't keep me in mind with what he's preparing.0 -
Honestly, I think it's really rude of him to have so little regard for your food preferences when he's cooking for the two of you. That kind of reminds me of my mother-in-law who invited us over for Christmas dinner and EVERY dish contained one of the 3 things I'm allergic to. I mean... some of the things she had to get creative with to make it in such a way that I couldn't eat it.
My point is, my mother-in-law did it because she's passive agressive and doesn't like me. You need to figure out why your husband is doing it. Is it a power thing? Is it because he feels bad because you have the motivation to get healthy and he doesn't? It's really not difficult to make veggies with AND without meat. If he REALLY doesn't want to, ask him to set aside some of the preped veggies before he cooks them and you'll cook them yourself when you get home (the prep work takes the most time anyway... steaming them would be super fast).
Wow, your MIL sounds really passive aggressive. So sorry for you! I don't thinks it's a power thing. He knows how to cook one way. It may be the fact that I'm trying to change things for me and he's not. Someone else mentioned something similar. That's a great idea about the prepped veggies. Surely he would do that much for me.0 -
My husband eats signficantly different than I do. He is a picky eater and doesn't really like most healthy meals. He favors burgers and pizza, for the most part.
I try to eat healthy and eat mostly lean meats and veggies.
We have a 6-year-old daughter who is a healthy weight, and will eat some healthy foods, but is an extremely picky eater. She mostly eats the same things over and over again, but will eat some of what my husband or I eat, sometimes.
The solution? Communication and not requiring that everyone eat the same meal at the same time.
Typical conversation:
"What are you having for dinner tonight?"
"Rotisserie chicken and roasted brussel sprouts. If you want some of my chicken, you can have it."
"No, I think I'm going to make _____."
At dinner time, we generally tell my daughter what we're having and she can have some of either/both, or choose from her go-to choices.
It sounds complicated, but it's actually really easy and everyone is happy. We both buy groceries and help each other out, but we've accepted that we don't need to have unnecessary conflict over food and eating healthy.
Let your husband cook what he wants for dinner. Eat it if it fits in your plan, or make something else if it doesn't. He is a grownup and responsible for his own feelings. I don't understand why his feelings would be hurt if he chooses to cook something you can't/don't want to eat and then you choose to not eat it. Makes no sense to me.
I agree with this except for the not eating at the same time bit.. I am a firm believer in having dinner together as a family even if it's just the two of you.0 -
Thanks hkevans. We used to eat together, too. I can't expect him to wait til 7:30 to eat (when I've been getting home lately). When our kids were younger, we ate together every night as a family. Still do with our son if I'm home on time. The suggestions in that comment were good ones.0
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Thanks for all of your responses! I know what changes need to be made and have some good tips on how to talk with my husband as well as shopping, early prep, etc.0
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No, I wouldn't be offended I he didn't want to eat it, but I know my so is Sometimes is when I don't. My solution is to make several options over the weekend to carry me through the week (chili, soup, large roast, large whole chicken or turkey, crockpot something, large package of chicken breasts) with options of mix in meals during the week. If he cooks something that I can't eat or doesn't fit my calorie goal I simply eat one of the other options that does.0
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Personally - I would tell him,
"Although it is wonderful you are cooking my dinner - I need you to consider what you are making for me if you want me to continue looking gorgeous...
Here's some recipes to follow.
I love you Husband xxx"
Heheheh!
Surely he won't be insulted by that!
I agree with this quote. and If he continues to make meals that will not allow you to achieve your goals spend some time preparing meal to freeze and reheat. And/or eat smaller portions of the meals somewhat tolerable.0 -
My husband eats signficantly different than I do. He is a picky eater and doesn't really like most healthy meals. He favors burgers and pizza, for the most part.
I try to eat healthy and eat mostly lean meats and veggies.
We have a 6-year-old daughter who is a healthy weight, and will eat some healthy foods, but is an extremely picky eater. She mostly eats the same things over and over again, but will eat some of what my husband or I eat, sometimes.
The solution? Communication and not requiring that everyone eat the same meal at the same time.
Typical conversation:
"What are you having for dinner tonight?"
"Rotisserie chicken and roasted brussel sprouts. If you want some of my chicken, you can have it."
"No, I think I'm going to make _____."
At dinner time, we generally tell my daughter what we're having and she can have some of either/both, or choose from her go-to choices.
It sounds complicated, but it's actually really easy and everyone is happy. We both buy groceries and help each other out, but we've accepted that we don't need to have unnecessary conflict over food and eating healthy.
Let your husband cook what he wants for dinner. Eat it if it fits in your plan, or make something else if it doesn't. He is a grownup and responsible for his own feelings. I don't understand why his feelings would be hurt if he chooses to cook something you can't/don't want to eat and then you choose to not eat it. Makes no sense to me.
I agree with this except for the not eating at the same time bit.. I am a firm believer in having dinner together as a family even if it's just the two of you.
I worded that badly we all eat at the same time, just not the same things.0 -
As he is fully aware that you are trying you control your eating habits, I don't think he would be. As long as you eat the main bits and leave out the puddle of cheesy sauce (or insert other here) I can't see why he should have a problem. Just say it is delish but you can't eat it all? Or you "ate the best bits"
Ultimately, he is aware of your "mission" and shouldn't be disappointed if you left the most unhealthy parts.0 -
No, I wouldn't be offended I he didn't want to eat it, but I know my so is Sometimes is when I don't. My solution is to make several options over the weekend to carry me through the week (chili, soup, large roast, large whole chicken or turkey, crockpot something, large package of chicken breasts) with options of mix in meals during the week. If he cooks something that I can't eat or doesn't fit my calorie goal I simply eat one of the other options that does.
Is he also willing to eat what you've prepared ahead?0 -
Personally - I would tell him,
"Although it is wonderful you are cooking my dinner - I need you to consider what you are making for me if you want me to continue looking gorgeous...
Here's some recipes to follow.
I love you Husband xxx"
Heheheh!
Surely he won't be insulted by that!
I agree with this quote. and If he continues to make meals that will not allow you to achieve your goals spend some time preparing meal to freeze and reheat. And/or eat smaller portions of the meals somewhat tolerable.
I already eat smaller portions of what he prepares. I do plan to cook ahead. That's the only thing I can do really.0 -
Why not just pick out the bacon and not eat it?? lol That's what I used to have to do growing up... pick out the onions or tomatoes.. lol0
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As he is fully aware that you are trying you control your eating habits, I don't think he would be. As long as you eat the main bits and leave out the puddle of cheesy sauce (or insert other here) I can't see why he should have a problem. Just say it is delish but you can't eat it all? Or you "ate the best bits"
Ultimately, he is aware of your "mission" and shouldn't be disappointed if you left the most unhealthy parts.
I already leave off some of his additives. But it's really hard to pick some of it out. I just kind of eat around some things. I always tell him thank you for cooking and tell him it was really good (it really does bother him if I don't acknowlege his efforts). It usually is really good--that's part of the problem. Dealing with the temptation is tough sometimes., especially every single work night.0 -
Why not just pick out the bacon and not eat it?? lol That's what I used to have to do growing up... pick out the onions or tomatoes.. lol
haha I already do that! It's the sodium added by the bacon, etc., that I can't pick out.0 -
I make my own food. My wife and kids don't need to eat what I eat. She can pretty much eat what she wants. I keep stuff on hand to make quickly in those situations. She is never offended. I just explained to her that she doesn't have to make as much when she makes that stuff because I prefer not to eat that anymore.0
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Not at all. Selectivity over the food he prepares would be fine to most men I know (including myself). The one caveat is that I recommend you work to convey to him that you are totally fine with his eating lifestyle and by opting out of some of his preparations that you are in no way judging his lifestyle. This insecurity could lead to more issues than time spent in the kitchen ever would. Best wishes!0
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I make my own food. My wife and kids don't need to eat what I eat. She can pretty much eat what she wants. I keep stuff on hand to make quickly in those situations. She is never offended. I just explained to her that she doesn't have to make as much when she makes that stuff because I prefer not to eat that anymore.
It wouldn't bother me if my husband didn't eat what I fixed. But how would you, as a guy, feel if it was reversed?0 -
Not at all. Selectivity over the food he prepares would be fine to most men I know (including myself). The one caveat is that I recommend you work to convey to him that you are totally fine with his eating lifestyle and by opting out of some of his preparations that you are in no way judging his lifestyle. This insecurity could lead to more issues than time spent in the kitchen ever would. Best wishes!
Thanks! He already knows I'm not happy with how he eats and what it's doing to his health. So I must plead the 5th on this one.0 -
Maybe you just need to give him time. I am pretty sensitive when people seem to criticize my cooking. I am a husband and I am difficult. But, with a bit of reflection, I usually come around and do the right thing.0
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Maybe you just need to give him time. I am pretty sensitive when people seem to criticize my cooking. I am a husband and I am difficult. But, with a bit of reflection, I usually come around and do the right thing.
Thanks. He's sensitive, too, that's why I don't want to hurt his feelings. But I've been doing this for about 9 months now. Is that long enough for me to wait for him to come around?0 -
I'm wondering whether there's more to this than him feeling slighted if you choose to not eat what he cooks.
I remember that before I lost weight, my husband and I were very much "partners in crime" with eating ridiculous amounts of unhealthy, high calorie foods. It's hard to enjoy the overindulging when the other partner won't participate because it makes the overeater feel self-conscious and guilty.
There has definitely been a "misery loves company," "we're in this together," "if we both do it, then it must be okay" component to many years of my relationship with my husband, as well as some friendships I've had in the past that revolved around eating. Somehow, there is less shame and more fun in bingeing and eating ridiculous things in ridiculous amounts if someone else is joining in.
Maybe he wants you to eat his calorie-laden cooking so he doesn't feel guilty for eating it. I really had a hard time when my "fattest friend" had gastric bypass surgery, because that left me the "fattest friend." Even though I was very happy for her, it was very hard for me. Maybe your husband is in a similar place, where he's happy for your weight loss, but he feels like he's going to be the "fat one" in the relationship.
Just speculation... he's not ready to give up his foods, but you certainly are. Do your thing and give him time to work through his feelings. He needs to manage his feelings, and if his feelings are hurt because you are choosing to make healthy choices, he will have to own that and do his best to work through it.0 -
Maybe it's just me, but how supportive is he if he can't change the way he cooks just a little bit?
I agree with this. It is nice of him to cook, but to not take into consideration what you like or your health in the matter when CLEARLY it is important to you, it sort of sounds like sabotage. Intentional, or not, that is exactly what it is.
I would just let him know, I appreciate that you cook, but I also need to continue being healthy...and then do what another person suggested and make a month's worth of foods one daya month and freeze it...or cook a weeks worth every weekend, or something of that nature.0 -
DTMFA!!! Your health should be a top priority, anyone that doesn't support that doesn't deserve you.0
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If my husband was deliberately cooking things he knows I don't like (you said you didn't really like bacon and ham) then I would have no reservations about refusing to eat it. I'd spend Sunday making a month's worth of meals for myself and freeze them. He can eat whatever he wants.
I agree.
Especially as you've communicated with him about this, and he continues to do so.0 -
I'm wondering whether there's more to this than him feeling slighted if you choose to not eat what he cooks.
I remember that before I lost weight, my husband and I were very much "partners in crime" with eating ridiculous amounts of unhealthy, high calorie foods. It's hard to enjoy the overindulging when the other partner won't participate because it makes the overeater feel self-conscious and guilty.
There has definitely been a "misery loves company," "we're in this together," "if we both do it, then it must be okay" component to many years of my relationship with my husband, as well as some friendships I've had in the past that revolved around eating. Somehow, there is less shame and more fun in bingeing and eating ridiculous things in ridiculous amounts if someone else is joining in.
Maybe he wants you to eat his calorie-laden cooking so he doesn't feel guilty for eating it. I really had a hard time when my "fattest friend" had gastric bypass surgery, because that left me the "fattest friend." Even though I was very happy for her, it was very hard for me. Maybe your husband is in a similar place, where he's happy for your weight loss, but he feels like he's going to be the "fat one" in the relationship.
Just speculation... he's not ready to give up his foods, but you certainly are. Do your thing and give him time to work through his feelings. He needs to manage his feelings, and if his feelings are hurt because you are choosing to make healthy choices, he will have to own that and do his best to work through it.
Thanks for this! I never looked at it that way before. You may be on to something here.0 -
Maybe it's just me, but how supportive is he if he can't change the way he cooks just a little bit?
I agree with this. It is nice of him to cook, but to not take into consideration what you like or your health in the matter when CLEARLY it is important to you, it sort of sounds like sabotage. Intentional, or not, that is exactly what it is.
I would just let him know, I appreciate that you cook, but I also need to continue being healthy...and then do what another person suggested and make a month's worth of foods one daya month and freeze it...or cook a weeks worth every weekend, or something of that nature.
Yeah, I was wondering about sabotage, too, especially after reading the other replies. I do want to lose weight so I look better, but I'm doing this mainly for my health. I wish he'd do the same. He needs it as much or more than I do. I live with him--I know what he eats! haha0 -
I just tell her... "Babe this is my last unhealthy meal." If she doesn't believe me and cooks another one I tell her I can't eat because its not part of my diet. She stops cooking after that.0
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My husband of 23 years has not joined my crusade to lose weight. I'm eating much differently than I used to. I still eat "regular" food, but have made many changes with portion control, types of food eaten, sodium content (still a work in progress), etc. He is aware of what I've accomplished and is supportive and happy for me.
I used to do the majority of the cooking for our family. I cooked healthier fair with veggies and leaner protein at each meal. And I was able to tweak what I was cooking for me to make it even healthier. However, since I started working a new full time job in October, he has taken over that job because I get home so late. Unfortunately, his food preferences don't line up with mine.
Though I really appreciate his efforts, he doesn't care how much fat, sodium, protein, etc. that he adds to his menu. He loves pizza, ham, bacon, sausage, Alfredo type sauces, pasta, gravy, fried foods, ice cream, desserts, and bread to just name a few. We both love vegetables, but he doesn't always prepare them and puts bacon and such in the veggies often. I'm not and never have been a big bacon or ham person and don't share his affinity for it <<<as she ducks for cover, knowing how MFP folks feel about that>>> It isn't hard to stay away from the desserts, but when I get home and am really hungry and ready to eat a meal...
My question is: If you spent at least an hour after working all day preparing a meal for your wife/SO and family, would you be offended if she didn't want to eat parts of it? The last thing I want to do is hurt his feelings.
yes i will be offended, 2nd i will tell her if she doesnt like my food she can cook her own
and if u hate him cooking then cook after work for the next day0 -
DTMFA!!! Your health should be a top priority, anyone that doesn't support that doesn't deserve you.
Thanks for sticking up for me, but I think I'll keep him. He has many more things about him that I like.0
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