A question for men with wives/significant others

bellesouth18

I have to agree with the others who have said that it sounds like there is more going on here than just the food. It really sounds to me like he is resisting cooking healthy foods for you because like you said, he is not ready to change HIS weight. Maybe he is feeling that you are trying to make him change too and this is how he is regaining some of that control- he CAN control what he eats (and you, if you let him) even if he might not feel like he can control his weight right now. Do you talk to him about his weight when you are talking about your goals/losses? If you are talking about his weight, even if you mean what you are saying to be positive or encouraging, he might be taking it as a jab at him and this is his way of fighting back... (I hope that made sense- the ideas make sense in my head, but sometimes not once I voice them.)

Bottom line, though, if you really want to continue losing the weight and reach your goal, you NEED to have a conversation with him about this. If he is as supportive as you say, you should be able to easily let him know that although you appreciate him cooking dinner for you each night it would be more beneficial for your goals if he just cooks for himself and lets you cook what you need to eat to maintain your goals. Or you can let him know that you might be eating small portions of what he cooks (maybe the chicken that night, but not the beans or potatoes or whatever) but you will also be making yourself something healthy to go along with it and you are not doing this to hurt his feelings or seem unappreciative but to maintain your goals. Communicate with him about this- tell him your needs and ask for a resolution that works for both of you. But you shouldn't be giving in on your goals just because it might hurt his feelings- like someone else said, he is an adult so he is ultimately responsible for his feelings. If you have made every reasonable effort to communicate with him and reach a solution together and he doesn't want to give something to the solution, then you should do what you need to do to keep yourself healthy. Maybe if he sees that you are REALLY serious about these changes then he will start to go along with you as well .

OMG you are a genius! You may have figured out what's going on in his head. He knows that I'm worried about his weight, cholesterol, etc. and wish he'd do something about it. He just doesn't want it yet. As we all know, you have to want it to do it and be successful.

bellesouth18

If I don't want what my wife is cooking, I will cook for myself. In fact, it's often easier to cook for myself. She cooks for the children before I come home and it takes me about 30 minutes to prepare something tasty and healthy. My wife doesn't get offended when I do that.

Martin

thanks Martin. I was wondering what men felt about this.

bellesouth18

If he is unwilling to change his eating habits, prepare your dinner ahead of time or pick it up on the way home. I'm sure if you have been married for a while you should be able to understand each other and come to an agreement. You can still join each other at the end of the day at the dinner table and enjoy family dinner time even if you are eating different meals. Good luck and best wishes.

I haven't been getting home until after they're done. I don't want to buy food out because I'm trying to watch my sodium intake due to high blood pressure. That's one of the problems--ham and bacon and sausage are loaded with sodium. Guess I forgot to mention that. Sorry folks.

tameko2

If my husband was deliberately cooking things he knows I don't like (you said you didn't really like bacon and ham) then I would have no reservations about refusing to eat it. I'd spend Sunday making a month's worth of meals for myself and freeze them. He can eat whatever he wants.

I would do this, and my husband wouldn't mind at all. I mean..honestly, my husband would never make a ton of food I didn't want to eat, but he'd occasionally make a dish or two and I would do the same to him, and we'd both just expect the other not to eat it.

Also - I do second the idea of pre-prepared meals. And possible offer to pre-prepare SOME of the dishes for the entire meal - like you'll make the main dish that he just needs to reheat and he can make whatever sides he wants.

So I mean I know what you wanted to hear was whether or not men would be offended - mine wouldn't be, he'd be totally aware that he was making the choice to make something I told him I didn't want. On the flip side, there's "this is mine, sorry but I wanted to eat it" and then theres "here I'm being a total d*ck about it" -- and if he started being a d*ck about it, I'd tell him (as I have over many other things) "you're being an @sshole about this and I really don't appreciate it." Being that he doesn't WANT to be that kind of person, he will generally try to stop.

haha Good suggestion about him doing the sides. Maybe I need to adopt your attitude! hehe

my take on it is, I never want to fight unless its very clear what we're fighting about. If the issues are X and Y and my feelings on it are Z, then I'm going to calmly lay that out and give him a chance to address it. And *then* we can fight about it if he wants to. But we rarely fight - I think generally people sort of don't know how you feel about something unless you're really clear, and people you're in relationships with are WORSE because they assume they know you really well and they wont' try as hard to figure out what you're feeling or thinking.

jha1223

I'm in the same boat as you pretty much. My wife needs to lose some weight and quit smoking but always finds an excuse not to do so. She is not mentally prepared to do the right thing. She probably needs to lose 60 lbs or so. While she loves to cook for me, she hasn't grasped the fact that I need smaller portions of the potatoes or none at all, for example. She is a carb-o-holic and tries to take me down that path with her.

So, I've started making my list of things that I need at the grocery store and told her what I'm making and if she wants it, she can have some, if not she can make her own. But, when I mention making peas for example, half with and half without butter, she kind of gets offended.

You want to know why I think this happens? Its pretty simple to me: She does not like the idea of preparing something the way she wants it and then stare at the healthy option knowing she isn't taking that one. Its like a slap in the face to her. Instead of making the healthy choice OR accepting that she is making the unhealthy choice, she doesn't want to see the healthy choice at all. It puts it right in their face and they do not like it.

I've often given up on eating healthy because of the pressure to go eat fast food with her because we are so busy or happen to be out and it would just be more convenient. It has caused arguments in the past. I guess I have to be willing to stand my ground, not make concessions unless my calories/macros allow it and push hard so she sees the results of my efforts. She will come around eventually as will your husband. If they don't, at least we will know we did what was best for us.

The most powerful thing that I've said that has gotten her to back off at times is this, "Honey, I love you dearly and I want to look good for you AND be around for you. If I don't change my eating habits, I won't live very long." It is hard to argue with that.

Good luck and stay strong.

bellesouth18

Here are some choices:
1: eat smaller portions of what he makes.
2: cook up food that fits your goals over the weekend, so you can quickly reheat after your workdays for dinner.
3. Continue to do the same thing you've always done, and never achieve your fitness goals.

I already do no. 1.
Haven't tried no. 2 yet.
No. 3 ain't gonna happen. haha

Thanks for your reply! Sorry I missed it earlier!

bellesouth18

Just ask him to do the veggies in 2 pans/dishes, one with bacon and one without? and not to add salt until its on the table?

Been there done that. He fixes it his way. Luckily for me, he doesn't go crazy with the salt shaker, just the salt-laden extras. Sorry I missed your reply.

Softrbreeze

It may be time for you to just fend for yourself. I know that's not very romantic and, without a doubt, you feel entitled to a hot meal when you get home, having cooked for him for so long. Sometimes it's just not doable though. In my household of 2 adults and 2 children, we have 2 omnivores (my husband and son), 1 vegetarian (my daughter), and 1 vegan (me). So fending for myself has become a routine. My husband and son will occasionally eat some vegan food I've prepared and I will help my children fix a simple meal that meets their preferences, but I certainly don't prepare anything that contains meat and rarely did even when I ate meat (it kind of grossed me out even then). It's jarring at first, when you are used to sharing a meal together, but you get used to it. If hubby doesn't like that arrangement, then you definitely need to have a sit-down talk with him.

bellesouth18

If my husband was deliberately cooking things he knows I don't like (you said you didn't really like bacon and ham) then I would have no reservations about refusing to eat it. I'd spend Sunday making a month's worth of meals for myself and freeze them. He can eat whatever he wants.

I would do this, and my husband wouldn't mind at all. I mean..honestly, my husband would never make a ton of food I didn't want to eat, but he'd occasionally make a dish or two and I would do the same to him, and we'd both just expect the other not to eat it.

Also - I do second the idea of pre-prepared meals. And possible offer to pre-prepare SOME of the dishes for the entire meal - like you'll make the main dish that he just needs to reheat and he can make whatever sides he wants.

So I mean I know what you wanted to hear was whether or not men would be offended - mine wouldn't be, he'd be totally aware that he was making the choice to make something I told him I didn't want. On the flip side, there's "this is mine, sorry but I wanted to eat it" and then theres "here I'm being a total d*ck about it" -- and if he started being a d*ck about it, I'd tell him (as I have over many other things) "you're being an @sshole about this and I really don't appreciate it." Being that he doesn't WANT to be that kind of person, he will generally try to stop.

haha Good suggestion about him doing the sides. Maybe I need to adopt your attitude! hehe

my take on it is, I never want to fight unless its very clear what we're fighting about. If the issues are X and Y and my feelings on it are Z, then I'm going to calmly lay that out and give him a chance to address it. And *then* we can fight about it if he wants to. But we rarely fight - I think generally people sort of don't know how you feel about something unless you're really clear, and people you're in relationships with are WORSE because they assume they know you really well and they wont' try as hard to figure out what you're feeling or thinking.

X, Y, and Z have been discussed with no solution. We rarely "fight" in the traditional sense of an argument, etc. I've been as clear as I can and even asked him to make some changes himself. He has a problem with food, I think, that I don't understand.

aproc

If you've told him that you don't want to eat the stuff, then he has no reason to be offended. There is no reason anybody should have to eat what they don't want to please somebody else. Don't eat it and fix something for yourself. eventually he will get it and at least make portions you will eat...if he doesn't then that's just being inconsiderate to you.

bellesouth18

I'm in the same boat as you pretty much. My wife needs to lose some weight and quit smoking but always finds an excuse not to do so. She is not mentally prepared to do the right thing. She probably needs to lose 60 lbs or so. While she loves to cook for me, she hasn't grasped the fact that I need smaller portions of the potatoes or none at all, for example. She is a carb-o-holic and tries to take me down that path with her.

So, I've started making my list of things that I need at the grocery store and told her what I'm making and if she wants it, she can have some, if not she can make her own. But, when I mention making peas for example, half with and half without butter, she kind of gets offended.

You want to know why I think this happens? Its pretty simple to me: She does not like the idea of preparing something the way she wants it and then stare at the healthy option knowing she isn't taking that one. Its like a slap in the face to her. Instead of making the healthy choice OR accepting that she is making the unhealthy choice, she doesn't want to see the healthy choice at all. It puts it right in their face and they do not like it.

I've often given up on eating healthy because of the pressure to go eat fast food with her because we are so busy or happen to be out and it would just be more convenient. It has caused arguments in the past. I guess I have to be willing to stand my ground, not make concessions unless my calories/macros allow it and push hard so she sees the results of my efforts. She will come around eventually as will your husband. If they don't, at least we will know we did what was best for us.

The most powerful thing that I've said that has gotten her to back off at times is this, "Honey, I love you dearly and I want to look good for you AND be around for you. If I don't change my eating habits, I won't live very long." It is hard to argue with that.

Good luck and stay strong.

You may be on to something here about the reason for not preparing one pot for him and one pot my way. I never thought about it like that. Thanks for the insight. I have told him that I want him to be around for a long time and that if he doesn't change his ways, he won't. Still no change yet. I am not going to revert to my old ways of eating. I refuse to do that.

bellesouth18

It may be time for you to just fend for yourself. I know that's not very romantic and, without a doubt, you feel entitled to a hot meal when you get home, having cooked for him for so long. Sometimes it's just not doable though. In my household of 2 adults and 2 children, we have 2 omnivores (my husband and son), 1 vegetarian (my daughter), and 1 vegan (me). So fending for myself has become a routine. My husband and son will occasionally eat some vegan food I've prepared and I will help my children fix a simple meal that meets their preferences, but I certainly don't prepare anything that contains meat and rarely did even when I ate meat (it kind of grossed me out even then). It's jarring at first, when you are used to sharing a meal together, but you get used to it. If hubby doesn't like that arrangement, then you definitely need to have a sit-down talk with him.

He's definitely an omnivore. haha I will have to fend for myself from now on.

fresh_start59

When my son was in high school, he said, "Why do I have to suffer just because you are on a diet?"

That is about the time we started, "Fend for Yourself" meals. If he didn't like what I was going to have, he would be responsible for fixing his own meal.

Maybe you and hubby can come up with a similar arrangement. Let him know what you can / can't eat. During those times that he chooses to cook for his tastebuds (and frankly I don't blame him if he's not yet reached the point where he's ready to make a change) then have him cook for himself. You can fix something for yourself when you get home. Or, better yet, have some prepared meal waiting for you when you get home, something you can just heat and eat.

Who knows, maybe after hubby sees what you are eating and how you are changing your body as well as your food choices, he might be willing to slowly make changes in his eating habits.

bellesouth18

If you've told him that you don't want to eat the stuff, then he has no reason to be offended. There is no reason anybody should have to eat what they don't want to please somebody else. Don't eat it and fix something for yourself. eventually he will get it and at least make portions you will eat...if he doesn't then that's just being inconsiderate to you.

The second sentence hit home with me. I guess I've been guilty of that for the past 23 years. Probably had a lot to do with my weight gain over the years (other than eating portions that were way too large for my size). I have to change my behavior and not let my feelings get in the way.

DeborahBatewell

My Hubby and I have been doing MFP together for months and have been successful. We sit down together and make a menu plan for the week. I then cook 4 days of meals in advance so that there's always something to grab quickly. Do you have a slow cooker? You can prepare your meal in it and it will be ready when you get home. How about your son? Can he cook if you leave him a recipe to follow since he's been loosing weight along with you. My hubby thinks that your husband is feeling a little insecure and maybe trying to sabotage your weigh loss.

bellesouth18

When my son was in high school, he said, "Why do I have to suffer just because you are on a diet?"

That is about the time we started, "Fend for Yourself" meals. If he didn't like what I was going to have, he would be responsible for fixing his own meal.

Maybe you and hubby can come up with a similar arrangement. Let him know what you can / can't eat. During those times that he chooses to cook for his tastebuds (and frankly I don't blame him if he's not yet reached the point where he's ready to make a change) then have him cook for himself. You can fix something for yourself when you get home. Or, better yet, have some prepared meal waiting for you when you get home, something you can just heat and eat.

Who knows, maybe after hubby sees what you are eating and how you are changing your body as well as your food choices, he might be willing to slowly make changes in his eating habits.

The "Fend for yourself" idea is a good one. Will give it a whirl. Hubby knows how I eat, loves the changes in my body, but isn't willing to change his habits yet.

goodnamegone

You can not offend him and get fatter and fatter or you can be honest with him and let him know that his style of cooking is sabotaging your efforts to lose weight. He doesn't have to cook for you, tell him it's ok you will take care of your own food because you are on a diet. If you guys are married you don't need to be so cautious about these things, just say it plain and nice and let him know you appreciate the effort but you are ON A DIET!!!

Or get fatter and fatter....it's up to you

jendy67

Wow! What a man you have! I wish. A people pleaser I am. It's time for me. Guess I'm going to have to get selfish. I am determined to lose another 80ish pounds.

It is not selfish to look after yourself.
If he wants you around as a healthy active woman than he should be ok with it. If he isn't tough. Don't put obstacles in your way to your success. You deserve to be the best person you can be.
Prepared your meals and enjoy the new you.

cmriverside

If you've told him that you don't want to eat the stuff, then he has no reason to be offended. There is no reason anybody should have to eat what they don't want to please somebody else. Don't eat it and fix something for yourself. eventually he will get it and at least make portions you will eat...if he doesn't then that's just being inconsiderate to you.

The second sentence hit home with me. I guess I've been guilty of that for the past 23 years. Probably had a lot to do with my weight gain over the years (other than eating portions that were way too large for my size). I have to change my behavior and not let my feelings get in the way.

Good for you. You don't have to do it in a confrontational way, either. You could eat a little bit of his bacony-cheesey-meaty stuff, if you like it, just a small portion. Then heat up a bag of Steamers, or throw some salad mix in a bowl - it's normal to like vegetables, and you can add them to any small meat dish.

He'll understand! But he is going to fix wht he likes, we all would. No reason to try to change his likes! Just supplement them. A salad or steamers takes all of 5 minutes to make. All humans have to prepare food.

bellesouth18

My Hubby and I have been doing MFP together for months and have been successful. We sit down together and make a menu plan for the week. I then cook 4 days of meals in advance so that there's always something to grab quickly. Do you have a slow cooker? You can prepare your meal in it and it will be ready when you get home. How about your son? Can he cook if you leave him a recipe to follow since he's been loosing weight along with you. My hubby thinks that your husband is feeling a little insecure and maybe trying to sabotage your weigh loss.

Tell your husband I said thank you for his input. We have 3 slow cookers and I plan on putting them to work again. My son is a very good cook, too, and can follow complicated recipes. I got on a slow cooker kick last summer. They asked me if I had forgotten how to cook because I changed what and how I was preparing.