A question for men with wives/significant others
Replies
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If my husband was deliberately cooking things he knows I don't like (you said you didn't really like bacon and ham) then I would have no reservations about refusing to eat it. I'd spend Sunday making a month's worth of meals for myself and freeze them. He can eat whatever he wants.
I agree.
Especially as you've communicated with him about this, and he continues to do so.
Yep, looks like I'm going to be doing a lot of cooking on the weekends.0 -
I just tell her... "Babe this is my last unhealthy meal." If she doesn't believe me and cooks another one I tell her I can't eat because its not part of my diet. She stops cooking after that.
haha I want him to cook, but just cook healthier. He likes to cook and says it relaxes him. Me? I'm tired of cooking. Been doing it a loooonnnng time.0 -
My husband has also not joined me in my weight loss journey. He doesn't need to lose weight - he has a very fast metabolism and can drop 15 lbs w/out blinking an eye.
Luckily, I do most of the shopping and cooking, so he has to tell me the gross stuff he wants to eat and I cook different things to work around his poor eating habits. So, when I make dinner, I will eat the protein, if I want the starch, I measure my portion, and I add a bunch of veggies. If he doesn't like what I cook, I tell him to get up and make himself something. I don't get mad - he's a picky eater and I can't help that.
For your situation, I can see how you'd be afraid of hurting his feelings. I'd eat a bit of what he makes, to avoid the fight, but keep the serving small. Supplement with a salad or veggies. That way, you are getting both sides... you could also (maybe) scrape off or remove some of the items that you don't want (gravy), but I know that can be hard with some dishes.
If he doesn't want to change what he does, or compromise to help you along, then I would suggest figuring out a way compromise for you. If that doesn't help, there may need to be a situation where you come home, make your own food and face the music.
best of luck.0 -
If he knows that you are trying to eat healthy and he continues to make things that are unhealthy I would think he shouldn't expect you to eat it. Maybe after talking with him, telling him your true feelings he may make more adjustments in his cooking for you and the family. If he doesn't change his cooking style after your conversation..well that just wouldn't be nice and he couldnt expect you to eat what he makes if he is making thing that he knows you can't (won't) eat. Its kinda like pouring a recovering alcoholic a big glass of there favorite drink, knowing they are in recovery and then getting upset with them for not drinking it...not to mention putting the temptation our there and a set up fpr failure. Or even making someone with diabetes a high sugar meal and the getting upset that they don't eat it, even knowing that they are diabetic...does that all make since?
Only my opinion Sweet Girl
)
Charlee0 -
My husband of 23 years has not joined my crusade to lose weight. I'm eating much differently than I used to. I still eat "regular" food, but have made many changes with portion control, types of food eaten, sodium content (still a work in progress), etc. He is aware of what I've accomplished and is supportive and happy for me.
I used to do the majority of the cooking for our family. I cooked healthier fair with veggies and leaner protein at each meal. And I was able to tweak what I was cooking for me to make it even healthier. However, since I started working a new full time job in October, he has taken over that job because I get home so late. Unfortunately, his food preferences don't line up with mine.
Though I really appreciate his efforts, he doesn't care how much fat, sodium, protein, etc. that he adds to his menu. He loves pizza, ham, bacon, sausage, Alfredo type sauces, pasta, gravy, fried foods, ice cream, desserts, and bread to just name a few. We both love vegetables, but he doesn't always prepare them and puts bacon and such in the veggies often. I'm not and never have been a big bacon or ham person and don't share his affinity for it <<<as she ducks for cover, knowing how MFP folks feel about that>>> It isn't hard to stay away from the desserts, but when I get home and am really hungry and ready to eat a meal...
My question is: If you spent at least an hour after working all day preparing a meal for your wife/SO and family, would you be offended if she didn't want to eat parts of it? The last thing I want to do is hurt his feelings.
yes i will be offended, 2nd i will tell her if she doesnt like my food she can cook her own
and if u hate him cooking then cook after work for the next day
That's an alternative I hadn't thought of. Thanks!0 -
My husband has also not joined me in my weight loss journey. He doesn't need to lose weight - he has a very fast metabolism and can drop 15 lbs w/out blinking an eye.
Luckily, I do most of the shopping and cooking, so he has to tell me the gross stuff he wants to eat and I cook different things to work around his poor eating habits. So, when I make dinner, I will eat the protein, if I want the starch, I measure my portion, and I add a bunch of veggies. If he doesn't like what I cook, I tell him to get up and make himself something. I don't get mad - he's a picky eater and I can't help that.
For your situation, I can see how you'd be afraid of hurting his feelings. I'd eat a bit of what he makes, to avoid the fight, but keep the serving small. Supplement with a salad or veggies. That way, you are getting both sides... you could also (maybe) scrape off or remove some of the items that you don't want (gravy), but I know that can be hard with some dishes.
If he doesn't want to change what he does, or compromise to help you along, then I would suggest figuring out a way compromise for you. If that doesn't help, there may need to be a situation where you come home, make your own food and face the music.
best of luck.
Thanks. I'm going to tell him about what I've posted and see if he will read all of the responses. That may work! Maybe. haha It may backfire.0 -
If he knows that you are trying to eat healthy and he continues to make things that are unhealthy I would think he shouldn't expect you to eat it. Maybe after talking with him, telling him your true feelings he may make more adjustments in his cooking for you and the family. If he doesn't change his cooking style after your conversation..well that just wouldn't be nice and he couldnt expect you to eat what he makes if he is making thing that he knows you can't (won't) eat. Its kinda like pouring a recovering alcoholic a big glass of there favorite drink, knowing they are in recovery and then getting upset with them for not drinking it...not to mention putting the temptation our there and a set up fpr failure. Or even making someone with diabetes a high sugar meal and the getting upset that they don't eat it, even knowing that they are diabetic...does that all make since?
Only my opinion Sweet Girl)
Charlee
Thanks for your opinion! What you wrote makes perfect sense to me. And I'm going to tell him by using the examples that you gave!0 -
Your husband seems supportive, you said it yourself, so don't get too mad that he isn't doing everythinggg he should be. Change is hard for everyone. I begged my family to change certain habbits, to keep certain foods out of the house because I have difficulty controlling myself when they're around, and they wouldn't. It's not that my family isn't supportive, or loving, it's not that they don't care. They do, and they want to see me succeed. Change is just hard, for everyone. It sounds like something so small, but small routine changes can feel pretty big to someone who doesn't WANT the change. You were ready for this change, he wasn't. When you love someone, of course you should be willing to make sacrifices. So yes, idealy, he SHOULD change his cooking habbits. Idealy. However, no one is 'ideal' and no one is perfect. Everyone has flaws, as does every relationship. Change is not easy, especially when it's not a change you want. He COULD be more supportive, sure. However, don't forget all of the support he IS offering. You have to continue communicating how you feel with him. Discuss the issue at hand, see if you guys can figure out a solution that works for both of you. Maybe, you should suggest he stop cooking for you. I know when you get home from work, you're tired and you don't want to cook, I get that. So, see if maybe he can just put a little of what he's making aside, beforeee he adds the high-calorie stuff that he likes, so you can add whatever seasoning or flavoring you like when you get home, if any. Or, you can try cooking food when you have the time, and putting it aside so you can throw it in the microwave when you get home. Orrr, you can still eat what he makes, just eat a smallll portion, and keep other healthy foods stocked up that you can snack on or stick in the microwave so that you can fill up on that if you're still hungry. There's a solution there somewhere that will work for both of you, you guys just have to cooperate with one another and find it. I know this isn't easy, so best of luck!!!0
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Your husband seems supportive, you said it yourself, so don't get too mad that he isn't doing everythinggg he should be. Change is hard for everyone. I begged my family to change certain habbits, to keep certain foods out of the house because I have difficulty controlling myself when they're around, and they wouldn't. It's not that my family isn't supportive, or loving, it's not that they don't care. They do, and they want to see me succeed. Change is just hard, for everyone. It sounds like something so small, but small routine changes can feel pretty big to someone who doesn't WANT the change. You were ready for this change, he wasn't. When you love someone, of course you should be willing to make sacrifices. So yes, idealy, he SHOULD change his cooking habbits. Idealy. However, no one is 'ideal' and no one is perfect. Everyone has flaws, as does every relationship. Change is not easy, especially when it's not a change you want. He COULD be more supportive, sure. However, don't forget all of the support he IS offering. You have to continue communicating how you feel with him. Discuss the issue at hand, see if you guys can figure out a solution that works for both of you. Maybe, you should suggest he stop cooking for you. I know when you get home from work, you're tired and you don't want to cook, I get that. So, see if maybe he can just put a little of what he's making aside, beforeee he adds the high-calorie stuff that he likes, so you can add whatever seasoning or flavoring you like when you get home, if any. Or, you can try cooking food when you have the time, and putting it aside so you can throw it in the microwave when you get home. Orrr, you can still eat what he makes, just eat a smallll portion, and keep other healthy foods stocked up that you can snack on or stick in the microwave so that you can fill up on that if you're still hungry. There's a solution there somewhere that will work for both of you, you guys just have to cooperate with one another and find it. I know this isn't easy, so best of luck!!!
I do see the changes that I want him to make as small for me. But you're right. He probably views them as big changes. Thanks!0 -
I haven't read every post, so I apologise if I am repeating what someone else has said.
The two things here are communication and compromise.
My boyfriend is really good with working out with me, and we've taken up new things like running and badminton together, which I love! We've made a lot of changes together, and he's a MFPer too.
Our journey is more about health than weight loss (neither of us have a lot to lose) but this is what we do.
I plan out the meals for the week and grocery shop. I ask him when I write the list if there's anything he would like. I ask him if there's a fruit or veg he particularly wants, and get that in to help him be healthy too. If there's something he's craving that is unhealthy, I just accomodate it in..so if he wants sausages, yes, we can have them, but only once in the week. That's the compromise part.
When I cook, if it's something less healthy he has asked for, like sausages, I'll bulk out the meal with veggies or swap mash for sweet potato or salad. He still gets his sausages and I use portion control to meet my calorie goals. It's on the planner on the wall what we are having. If he's cooking, he'll often call me and ask how he makes what it says. If I'm over or having a 'fat day', I'll say 'would you mind if I don't have the pasta, but have salad instead?' or if I'm home, say we're having curry, I'll say 'is it ok with you if I roast some veggies to have instead of the rice? Do you want some?'.
When we serve up, we always serve up together. That way each person gets to decide their own portion, drink, cheese on top etc. We never just plate up something for the other when they haven't got control on how much they want.
I hope that helps you...it's just supporting each other and thinking that it's your choice what you put in your body, and making exercising together fun
We're trying yoga for the first time tonight!
A x0 -
Thanks for the suggestions Annabel! Good luck with the Yoga. Those are some really good strategies. I'll give them a try for sure. I've been getting home very late since October, so we don't always eat at the same time. I really miss that! I like how you approach your boyfriend. The wording you use sounds like something I'd say. I'm going to borrow the words! Okay? haha0
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You're all growed up now - eat what you want.
Wifey: I'm making blah blah butter fat fried such and such.
Me: Ok, tear it up. I'm going to have some grilled chicken and veggies....0 -
You're all growed up now - eat what you want.
Wifey: I'm making blah blah butter fat fried such and such.
Me: Ok, tear it up. I'm going to have some grilled chicken and veggies....
haha Thanks, I will! You look great! Terrific accomplishment with your weight loss.0 -
Hurt his feelings. What about your feelings? He should take into consideration the changes that you are trying to make with your eating habits.
Argh Im tired of people trying to force us to eat crappy because they are to lazy to cook a good decent meal.0 -
You can always cook your meals for the week ahead of time if you don't want to eat what he cooks. Also, you can eat just a little of what he cooks and a big salad that way you still are eating a healthy meal and he still feels validated that you ate what he made.0
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Too many replys for me to read through all of them so if this has been stated before, I'm sorry for the repetition. I was a chef putting myself through college. My wife targeted (lol) me as a potential mate partially on the strength of the idea that she wouldn't have to cook. When she started MFP first, it was a real pain having her sit at dinner asking how much of each ingredient was on her plate and then having her complain she couldn't finish her meal because it would put her over her calories. I was a little offended and felt inconvienenced. But, then she started having some great results. She was down 25 -30lbs and was looking fantastic and then I deciced to try out this "MFP thing". Meals got easier and the whole family is eating better. Now shes down over 60 lbs and I've lost 45lbs.
My point is, for married or domestic partners, I think you absolutely have to do this together. Its impossible to sustain healthy eating habits long term when one partner refuses to participate. The only possible solution is to eat separately.0 -
I do not know if this was suggested or not, but if time and ease are the issue, look into pinterest or the internet in general for one of those blogs that describes how you can buy like a whole month of groceries and make 30+ crock pot meals ahead of time, for instance on a Sunday afternoon.Basically, after you go grocery shopping, you chop/slice/dice whatever you ingredients you have and mix up spices etc for meals and pre assemble them into freezer bags. This way you can control your sodium and other things. Then all you do is throw it in the crock pot all day and let it cook. You could make almost anything. You could do the same pre assemly thing and make a casserole or something instead. Even if you didnt utilize this every day of the week, it would probably seriously help you out as far as eating healthy and not having to cook when you get home after a long day of working.0
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Not a guy, but I'd be pissed.0
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I do a majority of the cooking in my house. First, because I enjoy cooking, second because of my wife's work schedule and lastly because I, like you, am doing my best to cook healthy food.
Fortunately for me, my wife also cooks healthy. Although from time to time we both stray! :-)
As for not eating something prepared by a spouse (wife or husband). I say it is okay, it is hard enough to lose weight and improve our health without being undermined by a person who is not on the same page in life.
I would let your husband know up front that if he is going to cook a meal that does not meet your dietary needs. He should cook for one.
In my house I was always the culprit when it came to poor food choices. This created health problems for me and bad habits for my family. Since I made the change to a healthier diet, my children and wife have improved their eating habits. Mostly because I stopped buying & cooking high fat & high sodium food.0 -
I love my hubby and don't like to hurt his feelings but if it's a matter of my weight loss success to his hurt feelings I choose my success. My husband doesn't like that we eat different meals (breakfast I have egg whites and cereal and he has sausage, eggs and toast). He doesn't want to be forced to eat what I eat and I feel the same. I love the idea of the crock pot cooking and I do that quite a bit myself as I too work full time and I find things that make us both happy. We are both big time meat eaters and dessert addicts and I just utilize portion control. Only YOU have the power of what you eat and what your successes are, and if you are supporting his needs whose supporting yours? Congrats on how far you've come and don't give up, just gotta keep tweaking things until you find out what works for you both. And a big congrats on the 23 year marriage. Just don't hear that so much anymore! 0
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Love this!I haven't read every post, so I apologise if I am repeating what someone else has said.
The two things here are communication and compromise.
My boyfriend is really good with working out with me, and we've taken up new things like running and badminton together, which I love! We've made a lot of changes together, and he's a MFPer too.
Our journey is more about health than weight loss (neither of us have a lot to lose) but this is what we do.
I plan out the meals for the week and grocery shop. I ask him when I write the list if there's anything he would like. I ask him if there's a fruit or veg he particularly wants, and get that in to help him be healthy too. If there's something he's craving that is unhealthy, I just accomodate it in..so if he wants sausages, yes, we can have them, but only once in the week. That's the compromise part.
When I cook, if it's something less healthy he has asked for, like sausages, I'll bulk out the meal with veggies or swap mash for sweet potato or salad. He still gets his sausages and I use portion control to meet my calorie goals. It's on the planner on the wall what we are having. If he's cooking, he'll often call me and ask how he makes what it says. If I'm over or having a 'fat day', I'll say 'would you mind if I don't have the pasta, but have salad instead?' or if I'm home, say we're having curry, I'll say 'is it ok with you if I roast some veggies to have instead of the rice? Do you want some?'.
When we serve up, we always serve up together. That way each person gets to decide their own portion, drink, cheese on top etc. We never just plate up something for the other when they haven't got control on how much they want.
I hope that helps you...it's just supporting each other and thinking that it's your choice what you put in your body, and making exercising together fun We're trying yoga for the first time tonight!
A x0 -
My husband does 99.5% of the cooking in our house. He's a very good cook, but is very heavy handed with the salt shaker and the oil and butter. He knows I don't want a lot of that in my meals. If it's a meal that he can keep separate, then we both have our own separate portions. One for his decadent delicious hi-cal version, and one for my 'more reasonable' version. This works particularly well with fish because we wrap each filet in a foil pouch and add our own seasonings to it. Otherwise, I really try to limit my portions and go heavy on steamed veggies and side salads.0
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I enjoy cooking and do it well.
Sometimes I put a lot of mental effort into it and when someone does not appreciate it I do get disappointed. I've set-up expectations and they are easily knocked down when a child or dining partner/guest says "err, no". This is particularly true if the food I'm serving is very good.
Sometimes, I've spent a lot of effort and time but the results are less than stellar. I'm usually ok when someone tells me that my Masala sauce / strawberries and avocado turkey mash-up is a crash up, overcooked, dry AND mushy. And too spicy. Woops.
But, as the cook, I've learned to set up MY expectations a little better - I talk about what I'm going to prepare, I set the scene or at least ask/ tell about limits of what is being prepared - "I'm doing a wine and butter sauce, are you fine with that?"
I have two out of four picky eater daughters so I also prepare an escape dish.
Talk about meal preparation before - it is the best moment to make a comment, not as food is being served.0 -
Hurt his feelings. What about your feelings? He should take into consideration the changes that you are trying to make with your eating habits.
Argh Im tired of people trying to force us to eat crappy because they are to lazy to cook a good decent meal.
Thanks, I haven't looked at it in that vice versa mode before. Makes perfect sense to me! And you're right about others wanting us to eat crappy.0 -
You can always cook your meals for the week ahead of time if you don't want to eat what he cooks. Also, you can eat just a little of what he cooks and a big salad that way you still are eating a healthy meal and he still feels validated that you ate what he made.
That's a good plan. I kind of do that now, but without the salad. Just don't eat much of it. A lot of the problem is the sodium content, too.0 -
Too many replys for me to read through all of them so if this has been stated before, I'm sorry for the repetition. I was a chef putting myself through college. My wife targeted (lol) me as a potential mate partially on the strength of the idea that she wouldn't have to cook. When she started MFP first, it was a real pain having her sit at dinner asking how much of each ingredient was on her plate and then having her complain she couldn't finish her meal because it would put her over her calories. I was a little offended and felt inconvienenced. But, then she started having some great results. She was down 25 -30lbs and was looking fantastic and then I deciced to try out this "MFP thing". Meals got easier and the whole family is eating better. Now shes down over 60 lbs and I've lost 45lbs.
My point is, for married or domestic partners, I think you absolutely have to do this together. Its impossible to sustain healthy eating habits long term when one partner refuses to participate. The only possible solution is to eat separately.
I do wish he'd get on board with "dieting" as well. He really needs to lost lots of weight. He has no clue as to what a portion measurement is. Can't judge a half cup from a quarter cup. That makes him eat more than he thinks he's eating. I ask him what's in it every time he cooks something. And then I make adjustments upward. haha0 -
I do not know if this was suggested or not, but if time and ease are the issue, look into pinterest or the internet in general for one of those blogs that describes how you can buy like a whole month of groceries and make 30+ crock pot meals ahead of time, for instance on a Sunday afternoon.Basically, after you go grocery shopping, you chop/slice/dice whatever you ingredients you have and mix up spices etc for meals and pre assemble them into freezer bags. This way you can control your sodium and other things. Then all you do is throw it in the crock pot all day and let it cook. You could make almost anything. You could do the same pre assemly thing and make a casserole or something instead. Even if you didnt utilize this every day of the week, it would probably seriously help you out as far as eating healthy and not having to cook when you get home after a long day of working.
That is an absolutely wonderful idea! Thanks!0 -
Not a guy, but I'd be pissed.
That's what I'm afraid of! I sure don't want to hurt his feelings or tick him off.0 -
I do a majority of the cooking in my house. First, because I enjoy cooking, second because of my wife's work schedule and lastly because I, like you, am doing my best to cook healthy food.
Fortunately for me, my wife also cooks healthy. Although from time to time we both stray! :-)
As for not eating something prepared by a spouse (wife or husband). I say it is okay, it is hard enough to lose weight and improve our health without being undermined by a person who is not on the same page in life.
I would let your husband know up front that if he is going to cook a meal that does not meet your dietary needs. He should cook for one.
In my house I was always the culprit when it came to poor food choices. This created health problems for me and bad habits for my family. Since I made the change to a healthier diet, my children and wife have improved their eating habits. Mostly because I stopped buying & cooking high fat & high sodium food.
Thanks! Good to know that you'd be on board with your wife eating differently and not be upset.0 -
I love my hubby and don't like to hurt his feelings but if it's a matter of my weight loss success to his hurt feelings I choose my success. My husband doesn't like that we eat different meals (breakfast I have egg whites and cereal and he has sausage, eggs and toast). He doesn't want to be forced to eat what I eat and I feel the same. I love the idea of the crock pot cooking and I do that quite a bit myself as I too work full time and I find things that make us both happy. We are both big time meat eaters and dessert addicts and I just utilize portion control. Only YOU have the power of what you eat and what your successes are, and if you are supporting his needs whose supporting yours? Congrats on how far you've come and don't give up, just gotta keep tweaking things until you find out what works for you both. And a big congrats on the 23 year marriage. Just don't hear that so much anymore!
Thanks! Your reply opened my eyes. Who IS suporting me if I'm supporting him? Good point.
Edit: Thank you for your congratulations! :flowerforyou:0
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