Losing Weight While Your Partner Doesn't

dfonte

Honest question. Say you have been in a relationship for a few years with somebody, and you decide to lose weight / change your lifestyle. 6 months down the road and you're in great shape while your partner has stayed the same (maintained the same lifestyle). You have tried to motivate your partner to better themselves physically but they don't want to change anything. You now don't see your partner in the same way physically, and think it's unfair that you care about how you look but they don't care about it.

Would you leave your partner?

Melissa101323

For me, personally, that alone would not be enough. We are each going to change and go through so many changes (physical and lifestyle) and part of a relationship is being there for each other in our good times and bad times. That said, if you are living fundamentally different lifestyles (ideal Saturday for you is going for a hike, compared to sitting on the couch all weekend being ideal for him/her), it's probably better to get out now while you are young.

AngelWings0609

I'd try to save the relationship. Talk about the issues and your worries then go from there..

Trueray

Interesting! You can't force change on someone. When she is ready to lose weigh t then she will do it. Just because you made improvements does not mean they should follow. Lead by example and not pressure her into doing it, soon she will start asking questions on how to be better.

As for you leaving her seems a little selfish, since you made changes and she has not yet made that commitment your basically saying that you don't like her and you want to be around other females. How about if the roles where reverse and then what?!

marcuscross104

I'm in a similiar situation. My wife introduced me to this website. She had been doing it for a while, but she quit. I've been doing it, and don't see myself quitting. She gets pissed at me when I call myself encouraging her to come back, and start counting her calories, and watch what she eat. She tells me nobody likes a person who's always preaching weight loss, and that I'm going to just quit anyway. I happen to agree about the preaching, but its MY WIFE! I thought I could "preach" to her! So we'll see what happens as I continue to lose weight!

ambercapello

I'm completely in this situation, but I would not leave for that reason. When we met (15 years ago, in Junior High) I was always in shape adn he has been overweight since the day I met him. Unfortunately we spent a lot of our time together going out to eat throughout the years and the pounds have packed onto both of us. He has absolutely no desire to change, but I do. We now have two small children and I want to set a good example for them, so that they can lead happy healthy lives. I'm hoping he decides to jump on the bandwagon, but for now I'm flying solo on this adventure.

MommaRoseFitness

Ok.. Here is my opinion. If you are changing your life, but your partner is content in theirs. Then you have to decide if you love them as they are. I personally like to be challenged, but can't accept someone who does not support me. However, if you are not attracted to them anymore, and you have had a serious heart to heart. I would go. People do grow apart. That is what happened to me. I am active, and my ex was not. He did not want to do anything but his old stuff. Made us fall out of love. Hope this helps.

Jellif1sh

That's a complicated question, but I think I can say that I wouldn't leave over that reason alone. Once you're in a relationship with someone for a few years (as in your example) you share something deeper than physical attraction. I'd like to think that something extra is worth sticking it through if the only hurdle is you're now a fitness nut and he or she isn't.

ruwise

We all have different breaking points. My husband started losing weight about 4 years ago and whilst I encouraged him at the time I wasn't ready to do it. I have now started and he is also encouraging me. This person has loved you no matter what you looked like to just leave them because you are in the right place to lose weight now and they may not be is a bit harsh. My husband occasionally nagged me when I wasn't trying but nagging does not work with me. We all have to find our own turning point and it works better when you want to do it for you and not for somebody else.

dfonte

This is just hypothetical...I'm not in a relationship. But I am sure people have been in this position before.

I'm not Mr. Fitness by any means, but I keep myself in decent shape. That's just part of who I am and what I care about. I wouldn't marry someone who doesn't feel the same way.

That being said....I feel that it wouldn't boil down to the physical aspect as much as the lifestyle change (changing what you value as a person).

motivatedshi

Have an honest discussion with her, and be very nice about it. Tell her that you feel amazing agter sticking it through, and you want her to experience what you are feeling too, because you think it could do good for your relationship with eachother, tell her that you want to see her be the best that she can be, and that you dont want to be pushy, but it would mean a lot to you if she put in an effort to try out your newly loved lifestyle. Never put her down, never act superior, because although you were ready for a change, maybe its just not her time yet.... my husband has been with me whether I was skinnier or at my fattest, he expressed when he felt I should be watching my weight, but never made me feel ugly or unattractive, you should be with this person through thick and thin, and as soon as you are at a high point in your life, doesnt mean someone else has to be too, if you love her you need to give her positive reinforcement, but if your not willing to try then maybe its better for you to let her move on to someone who will love her... flaws and all.

LoveCR22

For me that wouldn't be a reason to leave, I'm doing this for myself because it's what I need to do.
So if the bf wants to sit on the couch eating m & m's while I'm trying to get healthy that's his choice and not a valid reason to me to replace him with someone that might fit my new life style better now.

Him not being capable of replacing an empty toilet paper roll with a full one after almost 20 yrs. now that there is almost reason enough to replace him... :grumble:

MyOwnSunshine

For me, it depends on the seriousness/intent of the relationship. If you've been dating for 6 months, are relatively young, aren't engaged, don't have kids and really haven't discussed marriage or moving in together, I would move on. This will probably always be a struggle in this particular relationship, and you may be happier if you find someone who shares your love of fitness and that you find physically attractive.

Now, if you have lived together for 6 months, have a child together, are very serious and are planning on getting married, then this is an issue that you may want to work on, talk out or seek out a counselor to help you get through this issue.

What I know now, after working very hard in a 10 year committed-but-difficult relationship, is that every relationship will have it's struggles and issues of contention. Some relationships will have bigger challenges than others, and the beginning of a relationship, before you are financially entangled or have kids, is the time when you can choose whether to deal with those specific challenges, perhaps for the lifetime of the relationship, or move on.

abbyrae1

if you love your partner, and you still share similar interests, have fun together, communicate well, and their weight does not have an adverse effect on their health, then I don't think I would see the reason to end the relationship.

If their unhealthy habits were taking a toll on their health, I would speak up (i.e. high blood pressure, obesity, etc) because I would want them to be healthy, not at risk. If you no longer have anything in common with this person and you don't see them in your future, I think that gives you your answer. At a minimum its worth a discussion, if you aren't comfortable talking to them about it, your relationship doesn't have much going for it already, so again, you may have your answer.

joleenl

Honest question. Say you have been in a relationship for a few years with somebody, and you decide to lose weight / change your lifestyle. 6 months down the road and you're in great shape while your partner has stayed the same (maintained the same lifestyle). You have tried to motivate your partner to better themselves physically but they don't want to change anything. You now don't see your partner in the same way physically, and think it's unfair that you care about how you look but they don't care about it.

Would you leave your partner?

Interesting question. This could be my problem in the future. I do think that physical attraction is important because it drives sexually attraction and both of which IMO are vital in a relationship. IMO this is only a question you can answer. If this experience has changed the way you feel about them you can either try to produce a new spark or move on. You can't force your partner to change, you can encourage them (which you've done) and see if they take the lead, if they don't you have to examine the way you feel about them they way they are and make your decision. If it stopped my love for them (yes it sounds shallow but it happens) then yes I'd leave them. If I could salvage it or fall in love with them again I would do that too.

Sometimes making major changes in our lifestyle changes who we are inside, and it could be possible that the new you isn't in love with the old flame.

MizCJ84

I absolutely love that you brought this up. I thought I was wrong for asking myself the same question. I love my boyfriend dearly, but I look at him differently than when we first got together 6 years ago. I've changed so much (all in good ways I think), but he is still the same person. He eats nothing but garbage, he's gained a lot of weight (I did too, but I've since lost most of it), he still smokes (I quit years ago), etc. I was attracted to him years ago when I lived a similar lifestyle, but now that I care about my health, I see him in a different light. Grounds for break-up? Quite possibly...

quirkytizzy

No.

1) Just because I'm making changes does not beholden them to do exactly what I am doing.

2) If I'm resentful about it, that's MY problem, not theirs.

3) You're in or you're out. Make up your mind.

lithezebra

Certainly not. People make a lot of different choices that I can respect. The only way that I can see leaving a partner who wasn't interested in losing weight when I was would be if he denigrated me for the choices that I made.....which happened with one boyfriend who started insulting my morals when I lost weight. Looking better in leggings does not make anyone a slut, for example.

TabithaMichelle85

I am I this situation too, while he is making small changes like trying new foods he is never good at sticking to things. I love him, he is a great man, and he treats me like a queen.... Him refusing to change his diet or workout will not make me leave him. He is super supportive of me and I couldn't ask for more... no one is perfect but if this person treats you well and you really connect with someone it isn't worth throwing away. Have you had a talk with her? I haven't had this discussion with my boyfriend but I do have concerns about his heath. I don't want to lose him over an unhealthy lifestyle and I think maybe hearing that will make him motivated. All in all, the answer is no.... if that is your only issues you have, it isn't worth it.

hfester

I think it totally depends on your relationship, how invested you are in it, and what you need from your partner.

Before getting married, my husband and I promised each other we would never "let ourselves go" and that we would never make the other person feel bad about how they looked. We have held up our promise to each other along with our other vows. When he puts on a few pounds, I don't say anything at all unless he seems to be getting depressed about it, and then we talk about it from that perspective. He does the same for me. We don't talk about this promise, it's just something that is understood.

wifey103188

Ok well this is just my thoughts. Now im a strong beliver that if your with someone you should be with them for them NOT looks or there body and everyone has there ups and down but thats part of a relationship. What you need to decide is if your with her for her or for other reasons. Good luck hope all gos well.