Losing Weight While Your Partner Doesn't

dfonte

Honest question. Say you have been in a relationship for a few years with somebody, and you decide to lose weight / change your lifestyle. 6 months down the road and you're in great shape while your partner has stayed the same (maintained the same lifestyle). You have tried to motivate your partner to better themselves physically but they don't want to change anything. You now don't see your partner in the same way physically, and think it's unfair that you care about how you look but they don't care about it.

Would you leave your partner?

Melissa101323

For me, personally, that alone would not be enough. We are each going to change and go through so many changes (physical and lifestyle) and part of a relationship is being there for each other in our good times and bad times. That said, if you are living fundamentally different lifestyles (ideal Saturday for you is going for a hike, compared to sitting on the couch all weekend being ideal for him/her), it's probably better to get out now while you are young.

AngelWings0609

I'd try to save the relationship. Talk about the issues and your worries then go from there..

Trueray

Interesting! You can't force change on someone. When she is ready to lose weigh t then she will do it. Just because you made improvements does not mean they should follow. Lead by example and not pressure her into doing it, soon she will start asking questions on how to be better.

As for you leaving her seems a little selfish, since you made changes and she has not yet made that commitment your basically saying that you don't like her and you want to be around other females. How about if the roles where reverse and then what?!

marcuscross104

I'm in a similiar situation. My wife introduced me to this website. She had been doing it for a while, but she quit. I've been doing it, and don't see myself quitting. She gets pissed at me when I call myself encouraging her to come back, and start counting her calories, and watch what she eat. She tells me nobody likes a person who's always preaching weight loss, and that I'm going to just quit anyway. I happen to agree about the preaching, but its MY WIFE! I thought I could "preach" to her! So we'll see what happens as I continue to lose weight!

ambercapello

I'm completely in this situation, but I would not leave for that reason. When we met (15 years ago, in Junior High) I was always in shape adn he has been overweight since the day I met him. Unfortunately we spent a lot of our time together going out to eat throughout the years and the pounds have packed onto both of us. He has absolutely no desire to change, but I do. We now have two small children and I want to set a good example for them, so that they can lead happy healthy lives. I'm hoping he decides to jump on the bandwagon, but for now I'm flying solo on this adventure.

MommaRoseFitness

Ok.. Here is my opinion. If you are changing your life, but your partner is content in theirs. Then you have to decide if you love them as they are. I personally like to be challenged, but can't accept someone who does not support me. However, if you are not attracted to them anymore, and you have had a serious heart to heart. I would go. People do grow apart. That is what happened to me. I am active, and my ex was not. He did not want to do anything but his old stuff. Made us fall out of love. Hope this helps.

Jellif1sh

That's a complicated question, but I think I can say that I wouldn't leave over that reason alone. Once you're in a relationship with someone for a few years (as in your example) you share something deeper than physical attraction. I'd like to think that something extra is worth sticking it through if the only hurdle is you're now a fitness nut and he or she isn't.

ruwise

We all have different breaking points. My husband started losing weight about 4 years ago and whilst I encouraged him at the time I wasn't ready to do it. I have now started and he is also encouraging me. This person has loved you no matter what you looked like to just leave them because you are in the right place to lose weight now and they may not be is a bit harsh. My husband occasionally nagged me when I wasn't trying but nagging does not work with me. We all have to find our own turning point and it works better when you want to do it for you and not for somebody else.

dfonte

This is just hypothetical...I'm not in a relationship. But I am sure people have been in this position before.

I'm not Mr. Fitness by any means, but I keep myself in decent shape. That's just part of who I am and what I care about. I wouldn't marry someone who doesn't feel the same way.

That being said....I feel that it wouldn't boil down to the physical aspect as much as the lifestyle change (changing what you value as a person).

motivatedshi

Have an honest discussion with her, and be very nice about it. Tell her that you feel amazing agter sticking it through, and you want her to experience what you are feeling too, because you think it could do good for your relationship with eachother, tell her that you want to see her be the best that she can be, and that you dont want to be pushy, but it would mean a lot to you if she put in an effort to try out your newly loved lifestyle. Never put her down, never act superior, because although you were ready for a change, maybe its just not her time yet.... my husband has been with me whether I was skinnier or at my fattest, he expressed when he felt I should be watching my weight, but never made me feel ugly or unattractive, you should be with this person through thick and thin, and as soon as you are at a high point in your life, doesnt mean someone else has to be too, if you love her you need to give her positive reinforcement, but if your not willing to try then maybe its better for you to let her move on to someone who will love her... flaws and all.

LoveCR22

For me that wouldn't be a reason to leave, I'm doing this for myself because it's what I need to do.
So if the bf wants to sit on the couch eating m & m's while I'm trying to get healthy that's his choice and not a valid reason to me to replace him with someone that might fit my new life style better now.

Him not being capable of replacing an empty toilet paper roll with a full one after almost 20 yrs. now that there is almost reason enough to replace him... :grumble:

MyOwnSunshine

For me, it depends on the seriousness/intent of the relationship. If you've been dating for 6 months, are relatively young, aren't engaged, don't have kids and really haven't discussed marriage or moving in together, I would move on. This will probably always be a struggle in this particular relationship, and you may be happier if you find someone who shares your love of fitness and that you find physically attractive.

Now, if you have lived together for 6 months, have a child together, are very serious and are planning on getting married, then this is an issue that you may want to work on, talk out or seek out a counselor to help you get through this issue.

What I know now, after working very hard in a 10 year committed-but-difficult relationship, is that every relationship will have it's struggles and issues of contention. Some relationships will have bigger challenges than others, and the beginning of a relationship, before you are financially entangled or have kids, is the time when you can choose whether to deal with those specific challenges, perhaps for the lifetime of the relationship, or move on.

abbyrae1

if you love your partner, and you still share similar interests, have fun together, communicate well, and their weight does not have an adverse effect on their health, then I don't think I would see the reason to end the relationship.

If their unhealthy habits were taking a toll on their health, I would speak up (i.e. high blood pressure, obesity, etc) because I would want them to be healthy, not at risk. If you no longer have anything in common with this person and you don't see them in your future, I think that gives you your answer. At a minimum its worth a discussion, if you aren't comfortable talking to them about it, your relationship doesn't have much going for it already, so again, you may have your answer.

joleenl

Honest question. Say you have been in a relationship for a few years with somebody, and you decide to lose weight / change your lifestyle. 6 months down the road and you're in great shape while your partner has stayed the same (maintained the same lifestyle). You have tried to motivate your partner to better themselves physically but they don't want to change anything. You now don't see your partner in the same way physically, and think it's unfair that you care about how you look but they don't care about it.

Would you leave your partner?

Interesting question. This could be my problem in the future. I do think that physical attraction is important because it drives sexually attraction and both of which IMO are vital in a relationship. IMO this is only a question you can answer. If this experience has changed the way you feel about them you can either try to produce a new spark or move on. You can't force your partner to change, you can encourage them (which you've done) and see if they take the lead, if they don't you have to examine the way you feel about them they way they are and make your decision. If it stopped my love for them (yes it sounds shallow but it happens) then yes I'd leave them. If I could salvage it or fall in love with them again I would do that too.

Sometimes making major changes in our lifestyle changes who we are inside, and it could be possible that the new you isn't in love with the old flame.

MizCJ84

I absolutely love that you brought this up. I thought I was wrong for asking myself the same question. I love my boyfriend dearly, but I look at him differently than when we first got together 6 years ago. I've changed so much (all in good ways I think), but he is still the same person. He eats nothing but garbage, he's gained a lot of weight (I did too, but I've since lost most of it), he still smokes (I quit years ago), etc. I was attracted to him years ago when I lived a similar lifestyle, but now that I care about my health, I see him in a different light. Grounds for break-up? Quite possibly...

quirkytizzy

No.

1) Just because I'm making changes does not beholden them to do exactly what I am doing.

2) If I'm resentful about it, that's MY problem, not theirs.

3) You're in or you're out. Make up your mind.

lithezebra

Certainly not. People make a lot of different choices that I can respect. The only way that I can see leaving a partner who wasn't interested in losing weight when I was would be if he denigrated me for the choices that I made.....which happened with one boyfriend who started insulting my morals when I lost weight. Looking better in leggings does not make anyone a slut, for example.

TabithaMichelle85

I am I this situation too, while he is making small changes like trying new foods he is never good at sticking to things. I love him, he is a great man, and he treats me like a queen.... Him refusing to change his diet or workout will not make me leave him. He is super supportive of me and I couldn't ask for more... no one is perfect but if this person treats you well and you really connect with someone it isn't worth throwing away. Have you had a talk with her? I haven't had this discussion with my boyfriend but I do have concerns about his heath. I don't want to lose him over an unhealthy lifestyle and I think maybe hearing that will make him motivated. All in all, the answer is no.... if that is your only issues you have, it isn't worth it.

hfester

I think it totally depends on your relationship, how invested you are in it, and what you need from your partner.

Before getting married, my husband and I promised each other we would never "let ourselves go" and that we would never make the other person feel bad about how they looked. We have held up our promise to each other along with our other vows. When he puts on a few pounds, I don't say anything at all unless he seems to be getting depressed about it, and then we talk about it from that perspective. He does the same for me. We don't talk about this promise, it's just something that is understood.

wifey103188

Ok well this is just my thoughts. Now im a strong beliver that if your with someone you should be with them for them NOT looks or there body and everyone has there ups and down but thats part of a relationship. What you need to decide is if your with her for her or for other reasons. Good luck hope all gos well.

kcmo2528

No. I married the guy, and there are very few "deal breakers" I would consider. He does things that drive me absolutely nutso, but I would be incredibly stupid to place more value on those things than love. Physical characteristics are not a deal breaker.

MinnieInMaine

All I can do is share my experience thus far. I decided to start losing weight a little over 3 years ago by eating less, eating a little cleaner and exercising. My husband has been cool with the food changes, supoprtive of my activities, and even decided to quit drinking beer to lose some weight but has no interest in fitness. The only reason he'll go for walks is if it's deer hunting season.

Two things that have made it easier in my situation:
1) Whlle we're completely crazy about each other, we're very independent people. I'm my own person and if I decide to get healthier and fit, that's on me. He doesn't have to join me. That said, I do try to encourage him when the opportunity arrises.
2) I'm not on any specific eating plan. If I was trying to cut out gluten or carbs or whatever...that would make it tough. But I'm an IIFYM type of person for the most part so I can still eat pizza or chinese or spaghetti and meatballs and we're both happy.

Plus, when we first met, he fell in love with me at 240 pounds while he was maybe 170 soaking wet. How could I now dump him just because the tables have turned?

So yeah, there is no way I'd leave him just because he's got a potbelly and I don't...

agrant85

I'm semi in this situation. My husband and I, are both obese. We have both talked about losing weight. Well, I've been at it for almost 3 weeks now on MFP. He isn't really doing anything. He says he will lose weight by proxy, because I do motivate him. He just isn't that committed. I think once he sees how well I am doing, it might motivate him more. But if he decides not to start exercising regularly and eating more healthy, I will still love him the same. He has flat out told me that once I get healthy and down to a normal weight, not to nag and preach to him about what he needs to be doing. Kind of like a smoker who quits and then likes to preach to everyone. So while I hope my husband joins me 100% on this journey, I am with him through good times and bad, THICK AND THIN, etc....

sarahsunshine1217

I have been with my fiance for three years and we were both over weight when we met. Now that I am becoming way physical and extremely cautious on my food choices this has been a little bit of a struggle. But I have learned that you cant change people. If I push him he is just going to get mad and resist. He has to want it. The important thing is that he is trying to support me in every way I can. He tries to work out with me sometimes cooks healthy meals for me but will eat something else and the best part... I was afraid he would get jealous and think I was going to leave him if I lost weight but he is not. He is so excited for me, shows a ton of effection and is even buying me new clothes. I asked him if it was because I just looked better and he said no... Its because you are happy and that is what thrills me. He is my best friend and we will just have to figure out this journey but I know everyone is different.

CCusedtodance

My husband met me when I was overweight by about forty pounds, and he loves me with almost a hundred pounds to lose. He LOVES the inside more than he loves the outside. We enjoy each others company, we have seen each other through what felt like the impossible and we have each others backs at all times. I too have loved him thin (when we met) and with fifty pounds on him. He is now back to thin and has inspired me to do the same. It is called REAL love and commitment. When you find it you will know it.

ambernbarrier

I am in a similar situation. But I weigh a lot more than my husband currently. He promised me once I reach his weight he will diet with me. But ironically he has taken to adopting my lifestyle and the weight seems to melt off him. I believe it's different when the roles are reversed. My husband has never pressured me to lose weight never even mentioned my weight. In fact of it wasn't for my sudden interest in my health, I would have never thought I needed a life change. Here I am 3 months after making my life change 6 pants sizes 2 shirt sizes and 23 pounds down 127 pounds left to lose. All I can say is love is patient and kind. I feel the best I have ever felt. My husband has lost 15 pounds without trying.

cryswest57

I think you were implying you don't find her attractive. Am I right by saying that? The real question you should ask yourself is if you love her for her, not her physical appearance? If you leave her for her physical appearance alone then I think you need to look deep inside yourself and evaluate why you would. Over time, you will get old, your skin will wrinkle, etc. So, you see how basing love off physical appearance is vain? If there are other problems then you should think about those. Love her for who she is, not who you want her to be.

verdancyhime

Interesting! You can't force change on someone. When she is ready to lose weigh t then she will do it. Just because you made improvements does not mean they should follow. Lead by example and not pressure her into doing it, soon she will start asking questions on how to be better.

As for you leaving her seems a little selfish, since you made changes and she has not yet made that commitment your basically saying that you don't like her and you want to be around other females. How about if the roles where reverse and then what?!

More or less this. Some of the changes might make you feel more distant, but you said you "don't see her the same way physically." I am not with someone if I don't find them attractive. I think that sounds like you basically thought she was the best you could get at the time and now you think you can "do better."

No relationship is going to work if one partner is always looking for the better option, so I think you owe it to your gf to break up with her asap.

camielleqcr

I think it is also important to look at the beginning of the relationship as well. Why you got together. I have been in your place and I was with the person because I didn't think I could do better. However, when I felt better about myself, and yes my physical appearance had a lot to do with that, I realized that I couldn't continue living like that. This may or may not be your situation but if it is, being with someone because you don't think you can do better is unkind to them and to you. In my case I left him and he surprised me by improving his life, he got a great job, got married and moved to a tropical place. I was never in love with him so all I could feel for him was happiness. Both our lives improved because we were not being dragged down by false feelings of commitment and mostly an overwhelming feeling of obligation.

lithezebra

I'm in a similiar situation. My wife introduced me to this website. She had been doing it for a while, but she quit. I've been doing it, and don't see myself quitting. She gets pissed at me when I call myself encouraging her to come back, and start counting her calories, and watch what she eat. She tells me nobody likes a person who's always preaching weight loss, and that I'm going to just quit anyway. I happen to agree about the preaching, but its MY WIFE! I thought I could "preach" to her! So we'll see what happens as I continue to lose weight!

If preaching is objectionable, it's even worse to do it to your spouse. My husband doesn't watch what he eats, or log his food, but he does exercise, so we exercise together. I have a strict policy of positive reinforcement only - no nagging, no criticism.