Losing Weight While Your Partner Doesn't

smithntuck

My husband loved me at 300 lbs...now that I am 157 and he is still his same 185 with a pot belly, how could I be so shallow to let that come between us? He worries about it, but as supportive as he has been, it wouldn't matter to me what his weight is. I would love for him to be healthier so that he will hopefully live a fuller, longer life, but that's about as far as it goes.

thecakelocker

I flat out refused to go to the gym with my husband the first three days he went. On the fourth day, I realized he wasn't going to quit. I wasn't about to let him get sexy without me, so I went along. Now I crack the whip on him.

If I had kept refusing to go and eating whatever while he got healthy I'm sure it would have been extremely frustrating for him. This is just a tough situation to be in.

lina1131

There is no way in hell I would leave my husband if he didn't lose weight. I married him because I love him and plan on being with him for the rest of our lives, no for the rest of our lives IF you weigh what I want you to weigh. WTF?

When I met my husband I was in the best shape of my life at 135 pounds. When we got married, I was 174. After our first child 213 :noway: Before our second child 160. After our second child 183 and now since I don't plan on having anymore kids, I am working to get my 135 body back!

When I met my husband he was a body builder. Now, he is far from a body builder. I love him more today than I did when I met him. I can't ever imagine his weight being the reason I leave him.

My husband has told me how beautiful I am at every single one of those weights. Once I asked him (when I weighed 213) if my weight was a problem for him and he told me that he loves me no matter what I weigh and that i'm always beautiful and attractive to him.

THANK GOD I don't have to worry about this crap!

rwoods72

IFor me that wouldn't be a reason to leave, I'm doing this for myself because it's what I need to do.
So if the bf wants to sit on the couch eating m & m's while I'm trying to get healthy that's his choice and not a valid reason to me to replace him with someone that might fit my new life style better now.

Him not being capable of replacing an empty toilet paper roll with a full one after almost 20 yrs. now that there is almost reason enough to replace him...

I love this...made my day:laugh:

Scarlett_S

I think it varies depending on the situation at hand. My husband has never been overweight, and he has always been athletic, so I can't imagine him gaining a ton of weight. BUT - he does NOT eat healthy and I see that eventually catching up with him. I have tried to get him to conform to *my* food but years of eating a certain way with his parents and on his own have made him an extremely picky eater.

I was overweight for 15 plus years and he stuck with me when I was 150 lbs and when I was 255 lbs. So I can't see leaving him over his weight. I will say that people are generally happier when they are healthy, close to goal weight, and working out, so I think that makes for a happier relationship overall. That is the one thing he's said about me loosing weight - its not about the looks so much as the fact that I am a much happier person now.

Morenosn

I am in the same position. I have started living a healthier lifestyle and my husband will not budge. He loves his soda and junk food. The hardest part for me, has been looking at all his junk food and finding it more difficult bc it is still in the house, it is easier to grab a poptart on the way out the door than it is is take time making a breakfast juice or eggs... so if that crap was gone from the house completely, it would be soo much easier! I am with my husband though, because I love him as a person, he is my best friend, I am not with him for his looks, although I am very much attracted to him. All I can do is educate him daily on a healthier lifestyle and simple alternatives to what he eats (Light sour cream, fresh veggies and fruit, whole wheat, low sodium, ect...) and invite him on walks and parking further from the door. One day, i hope that he will realize how passionate I am about this and jump on the bandwagon, but until then I will just serve as a good example for him.

Best of luck to you, and I am sure there are people that will understand if you decide to leave your partner, and in another light, you do need to surround yourself with people that have the same passion as you with a healthy lifestyle. It would be a shame to get so far, just to fall on your face because you are surround with unhealthy people. ANNNDDD it is important to be physically attracted to your partner, if you are not, you may find yourself in a rather difficult situation later on in life. I would say discuss your concerns with your partner, and if they truely care about your feelings and relationship, they will make an attempt to change and if not, then they know what will be coming next!

kimimila86

I can honestly say I was/still am the spouse in your scenario. A couple years ago my husband and I made a pact with each other on our anniversary that we would be more healthy together. We joined a gym and cleaned up our eating. After a month, he lost 10 lbs, I lost 2. It's been a rollercoaster ever since. Last year I was able to lose 30 lbs, and he was thrilled for me. I ended up gaining it all back, and here I sit at square one again. Need I not mention that he looks amazing!

I've asked my husband a few times why he hasn't left me and he says he loves me for who I am, and if that means I'm overweight, I'm overweight. I don't like the idea of being unhealthy for the rest of our lives and I will continue to work on it until I find something that works. Would he find me more attractive if I lost the weight? Absolutely.

It's worth reevaluating if you see the path of your lives going different directions. I hope it's not just based on her looks. If her attitude is changed or not congruent with what you want in your future, it's worth a discussion with her.

amyk225

no its their choice, my partner is actually gaining, i workout at home, sometimes id be in my room working out and he would be watching tele and stuffing his face, im actually shocked that he dosnt feel motivated when he sees me work out everyday but i cant force him to change his lifestyle,i do hope one day he will workout with me:(

_Witsy_

I can honestly say I was/still am the spouse in your scenario. A couple years ago my husband and I made a pact with each other on our anniversary that we would be more healthy together. We joined a gym and cleaned up our eating. After a month, he lost 10 lbs, I lost 2. It's been a rollercoaster ever since. Last year I was able to lose 30 lbs, and he was thrilled for me. I ended up gaining it all back, and here I sit at square one again. Need I not mention that he looks amazing!

I've asked my husband a few times why he hasn't left me and he says he loves me for who I am, and if that means I'm overweight, I'm overweight. I don't like the idea of being unhealthy for the rest of our lives and I will continue to work on it until I find something that works. Would he find me more attractive if I lost the weight? Absolutely.

It's worth reevaluating if you see the path of your lives going different directions. I hope it's not just based on her looks. If her attitude is changed or not congruent with what you want in your future, it's worth a discussion with her.

This.... my husband has watched me gain and lose weight continuosly for 12 years and now that my mind has finally grasped what I need to do...I am finding I'm attracted to different body types... BUT....I still love him on so many other levels that this one reason alone would never be enough for me to leave. He's got my back, and I got his...and hopefully together we will morph into a much healthier couple.

Heypapajinx

I am I this situation too, while he is making small changes like trying new foods he is never good at sticking to things. I love him, he is a great man, and he treats me like a queen.... Him refusing to change his diet or workout will not make me leave him. He is super supportive of me and I couldn't ask for more... no one is perfect but if this person treats you well and you really connect with someone it isn't worth throwing away. Have you had a talk with her? I haven't had this discussion with my boyfriend but I do have concerns about his heath. I don't want to lose him over an unhealthy lifestyle and I think maybe hearing that will make him motivated. All in all, the answer is no.... if that is your only issues you have, it isn't worth it.

Thank you tmharrison. I was in this very situation as well and I couldn't have said it better myself. I found myself beginning to resent my boyfriend for sitting next me eating garbage every night while I ate salads and water. I also started becoming very angry when he would complain about his weight and then eat a pint of icecream with a candy bar and a Dr. Pepper. It got to the point where I was convinced I was going to end it. In the past year I have lost over 40 lbs. and he has gained, and although he says he hates his weight gain, he continues to eat unhealthily and refuses to join me in a healthy diet. Finally, I told him how I felt, and he was very hurt. When it came down to the breaking point however, I reassesed my importance of our relationship with the same qualities you mentioned. When someone supports you, treats you well, and you two share a wonderful connection, there are things more important than someone gaining weight. Everything else has since all but faded away once I chose to focus on those things. Sure, I still wish he would eat healthily with me, but it's not cosmetic anymore, it's so that I can know that he will be healthy longer when we are hopefully still together in the future. And so HE can feel better about HIMSELF.

HeidiCooksSupper

No.

1) Just because I'm making changes does not beholden them to do exactly what I am doing.

2) If I'm resentful about it, that's MY problem, not theirs.

3) You're in or you're out. Make up your mind.

Absolutely on point. You may be doing well now but you may not always. You may fall back to your old habits. You may get hurt or ill and end up incapacitated. If you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them than your commitment needs to be "in sickness and in health." If the relationship is shallower than that, then don't hang around and further emotionally abuse the person who is already beating up herself. That's just cruel.

KenosFeoh

I couldn't, but my situation is different. We've been married for 35 years as of June, and the level of commitment is set in stone. It's hard to know without being in the situation, but I think that even if one of us was horribly disfigured in an accident, nobody is walking out.

IkirPaulson

It sounds like you already plan on leaving her and are seeking validation to not feel guilty. I may be wrong, but that's what it sounds like.
I would never leave my husband, and I am in the exact same situation. It is what it is. Love the one you're with. If you don't want to because you think weight loss makes you better than her, find someone who thinks the same way. You can be gym rats together and your ex can be with someone who loves her no matter what. .

Honest question. Say you have been in a relationship for a few years with somebody, and you decide to lose weight / change your lifestyle. 6 months down the road and you're in great shape while your partner has stayed the same (maintained the same lifestyle). You have tried to motivate your partner to better themselves physically but they don't want to change anything. You now don't see your partner in the same way physically, and think it's unfair that you care about how you look but they don't care about it.

Would you leave your partner?

dfonte

It looks like no one read my follow up post on the first page. I'll paste it below...

"This is just hypothetical...I'm not in a relationship. But I am sure people have been in this position before.

I'm not Mr. Fitness by any means, but I keep myself in decent shape. That's just part of who I am and what I care about. I wouldn't marry someone who doesn't feel the same way.

That being said....I feel that it wouldn't boil down to the physical aspect as much as the lifestyle change (changing what you value as a person)."

tenintwenty

This is why I have a hot boyfriend. Not an issue. I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone I'm not physically attracted to. Been there, done that, over it. Good sex is important, attraction is important, looks matter for both. I don't care if it's shallow. We can get ugly when we're old, but there's no excuse in your 20's through 50's to not keep yourself up for your own and your partner's enjoyment.

Heypapajinx

It looks like no one read my follow up post on the first page. I'll paste it below...

"This is just hypothetical...I'm not in a relationship. But I am sure people have been in this position before.

I'm not Mr. Fitness by any means, but I keep myself in decent shape. That's just part of who I am and what I care about. I wouldn't marry someone who doesn't feel the same way.

That being said....I feel that it wouldn't boil down to the physical aspect as much as the lifestyle change (changing what you value as a person)."

Oh, I read your follow up post, I just figured it was a cover up for one of those "a friend of a friend" kind of stories. And still, perhaps you don't really have a significant other that is not interested in joining in with you, but then something very specific piqued your interest.

dfonte

Ha. I don't have any others with significance in my life right now, and any regular others either.

I actually was reading about prenuptial agreements where if the other person gains a lot of weight then they can divorce without financial penalty. That's what piqued my interest.

hrouns

No.
I would hope that my success would inspire him to better himself and I would offer my guidance through personal experience when he decided he was ready to make that change.
The thing about fitness is YOU have to be ready to make the change. If he doesn't want to change anything at this point he won't have the motivation to keep with it.
I'd suggest new, easy fit hobbies we could do together, like a brisk walk after dinner, or lifting handweights at home in the mornings. If he's very overweight or obese I would suggest he brings up his weight at his next dr. appt and discuss with his doctor how his weight is effecting his health- possibly find out his cholesterol, blood pressure, sugar levels, etc. Maybe his deteriorating health could be motivation.

I really am kind of in this situation. My boyfriend is obese and I've been on a weight loss journey since far before we started dating and he's always kind of been the same, putting on lbs as he gets older and not making any changes. Of course I am still very attracted to him and there are other things we can do together but he's expressed how he wants to get fit to me many times. But I have to make deals with him to get him to go to the gym with me. I got him to go once and never again and I kind of gave up trying. Of course I'd love him to get more active for his health and to give us something else to do together but I'm willing to take baby steps with him and wait until he's really ready to make that change for himself.

xampx

I wouldnt say it was a reason to leave them, no.

However I am posting because this happened to me. An ex of mine was trying to get fitter and just nagged and nagged and nagged me and made me feel crappy and worthless because I just wasn't in that place at that time. I tried to eat right and didnt feel like exercising, and no matter how much nagging there was, I wasn't going to do it until I was ready. (which is about 4-5 years later!)

As it happens, I left him, but not purely for that reason.

NewMnky1

I don't know why but this question always seems to errk me.

People have to remember that just because YOU made a decision to change something about yourself does not mean that you are making that decision for your partner. It was a choice for you and you alone.

My husband and I got fat together. I made this decision for myself and myself alone, I did not assume or expect that when I made this decision I was making it for him and he had to do what I was doing.

If he decided to jump on board great, if not that is fine too. For the record, he is very supportive and happy of my weight loss but he has not lost weight and is not trying to and I am perfectly fine with that. I loved him before he gained weight and after he gained weight so why should his weight matter now that I have have chosen to lose weight?

I know this is a very different scenairo but if he decided he wanted to join a motorcycle club does that mean I have to do it too even though I have no interest in that??? I don't think so, it is the same thing with weight loss, you can expect that just because you want to do it your partner should follow.

There all done, thanks for listening to my rant LOL!