Losing Weight While Your Partner Doesn't

Marcillene

I believe that leaves opportunity for communication or change. communication, it can't hurt right? if the love, commitment, connection is still there.. then its worth it to try and convince him to meet you halfway... help you help yourself....


if that DOESNT work... (which I know from experience).. then that's what I consider... you changing while everything stays the same. most relationships change at some point... and if you no longer can have interests in the same thing, he cannot meet you halfway, and it changes your perspective of him.. then the relationship, then you entirely.. it could begin to change you, and cause you to become depressed.. or backslide.. and that's not healthy for you...

fattyfoodie

Short answer: no.

My husband is actually struggling to GAIN weight as I am trying to lose weight. He has a chronic medical condition that makes it incredibly difficult for him to gain any at all and is quite thin.

Would I like it if he would come for a walk with me? Absolutely. Would I love it if he would stop buying all the junk he loves to eat that I just need to avoid for now? Yes I would.

I am the one that needs to change, not him.

tatd_820

Love is love. I am sorta in this place right now. I've lost 75lbs in 14 months. Husband has stayed the same without even caring to change. He's made references to me looking good and likes that I have lost. He could stand to lose some and get in better shape himself, but to leave someone b/c of that....no. I have tried to get him to join me and nothing. This is my new passion and I wish he were on board with me....but he isn't. Do I want a divorce? Absolutely not. Now, he just has to prepare himself for me looking and feeling good!

_AllieCat_

Uh, no. Why would I? I obviously found them attractive before, why does changing my lifestyle now make any difference?

I lost 30+ pounds and my partner hasn't lost a thing. I don't love him any less, or pressure him into being healthier for my visual pleasure. There are more important things than looks. The extent of my pressuring for a new lifestyle is so he is healthier and can be here with me longer.

In short, it's about ME and when he is ready to make a lifestyle change he will. If he doesn't, that's okay too.

becky6m

No. This is the story of my life, but I'm married and just because he doesn't want to change it now doesn't mean I just pack up and go.

ApexLeader

i'm much more focused than my wife. she doesn't work out as hard as me and she doesn't keep an eye on her nutrition as much as i do, nor is she as knowledgeable about these things as me, so i can't fault her. i'm more motivated and more willing, so of course i'm in better shape and healthier than she is. i'm happy with the fact that she's trying at all.

beckyboop712

I have expressed my concern for my boyfriend's health to him on a number of occasions but I know that he'll change when he's ready. Just like his smoking. He'll quit when he's ready. While I do nag, I'm not going to pressure him into anything. So I lead by example in hopes my healthy-ish lifestyle rubs off on him before we have kids.

metacognition

If my partner offered love, security, and support then I would not leave him - even if he were obese and I no longer had physical attraction. But if I was attracted to him in the first place why would I care if he stayed the same weight, even if it's higher or lower than an ideal?

I am currently dating a physical trainer though and I am having the opposite problem, though. He is extremely fit and when I asked for advice on losing the last 5 pounds, he gave me a ton of rules like "no carbs at night" and "cut out all chocolate." I'm majorly resenting a guy telling me what to eat, even though I asked for the information. I do love his fitness advice though, and am putting it to use.

Still, I feel like it won't ever be enough. I'm starting to feel fat, ashamed and worthless around him. This even though I eat mostly healthy and work out 5 days a week.

I suspect that's how fat partners feel when their significant others lose weight and try to improve them. I can only imagine that it would be much worse if you are really out of shape. At that point I wouldn't even try to shift a partner's size unless they asked or it affected their health.

chellebublz

No, my fiance and I have been together a few years. We both have alot to lose, I've been ready but he has not. I've got a good running start on my weight loss while he's been reluctant. Now that he's seeing the changes and how hard I'm working for them, he's coming around, we just started c25k together today. The main thing is if your partner is supportive of you despite the fact that they personally don't want to make any changes. If the answer is no, then maybe it's not the right relationship. As I believe a big component of a good relationship is having support UNCONDITIONALLY from that person for your happiness.

Ta2dchic20

Nope, wouldn't leave. They haven't changed, I have. I am in that position right now, but we're so much a like, that I understand he's not ready yet. He will when the time is right and if he doesn't, I'm not so superficial that I'd leave.

bodyrightdiva

DITTO WELL SAID!

ddeleonm09

I don't think it's selfish. It does change the way you feel about the person. I understand where you're coming from. For a relationship to work ALL aspects have to be in good standing. I used to have a boyfriend that didn't care what he ate and what he looked like and started getting bigger. I LOVED being with him, but physically I wasn't attracted to him anymore. He started to notice and that made our relationship suffer. He would think that maybe I was cheating or I didn't care for him anymore. That caused him to not trust me.

Definitely talk to your partner before you decided to end your relationship. Do it before it gets to the point where you really don't want to be around her anymore. It's hard to be around people that don't have the same desire to better themselves like you do.

baileybiddles

I think it would largely depend on the situation. Let me tell you MY story about this and see how it helps you. It may or may not.

I believe it was September when my fiance and boyfriend of almost 5 years looked at me and told me he was leaving me if I didn't change my ways. As harsh as it sounds, he had every right. I was overweight (technically obese, though I don't LOOK like a huge girl), out of shape and always tired. His main concern, though, was my hip. I have a condition called bursitis which gives me non stop pain, and it gets worse with physical activity. Even walking for too long can be crippling. The recommended way of treating it? Exercise. But it was so painful for me that I didn't bother, I figured I'd just live a mostly sedentary lifestyle and I'd be fine. He got tired of that. He's full of energy and loves to go outside, bike, hike, etc. He told me that he wouldn't spend his life with somebody that just didn't care enough to try. He told me he wouldn't watch me suffer all the time because I couldn't be bothered to at least try to fix what had happened to my hip. My doctor told me to lose 50 pounds and see how the pain would relieve itself, but I couldn't push myself to try to do that. He got tired of it, and told me to either get serious about losing weight or we were over.

Was I mad? Yes. I told him it was MY life, not his, and that it was none of his business. I was wrong. It's our life now, our shared life, and it is his business. It's completely his business. So, I vowed to make a change, joined weight watchers, started taking a yoga class and it helped my hip immensely. I have lost 13 pounds so far, started at 203 and I am now at 190. The hip already feels about 50% better than before. Imagine how good it will feel when I reach my goal of 140 pounds, approximately 60 pounds of total loss.

In short, my point is that if your partner is sick and NEEDS to lose weight and just doesn't care, then maybe you should end it. If they are okay with who they are and you love them, why push them to lose weight?

squindles

NO!!!!!!! I love my husband "for better or worse"

jonesin_am

Great topic! It's interesting to read the different opinions and hear both sides of the story. I'm in the same boat with my husband. I'm losing weight and with that came a new love for an active lifestyle, which he does not share. And while his weight problem alone wouldn't make me leave him, his inability to try new things, be active with me and our kids, etc. is contributing to my dissatisfaction on our relationship. That may seem harsh but it's the reality. I find myself wondering if I can live the rest of my life with him. I'm hoping that talking with him and explaining this, leading by example, continuing to encourage him to join me in my activities or allowing him to choose an activity and join him, and showing him that I am serious about being fit and healthy this time around, that he will eventually see the light and make some improvements in his life.

I have to say though, if he doesn't...I don't see us working out in the long run. I will put in the effort for us and our three kids but if he doesn't put in any effort then there's nothing more I can do. Good luck with your decision. It's a hard one.

neacail

Would you leave your partner?

Nope. Not a chance. He is hardworking, an amazing father, a dedicated partner, funny, brilliant, and a hundred other wonderful things.

While it drives me nuts that he'll sit down beside me with a bag of Lays, and his six-pack became a keg six years ago, he's still my man.

Sunny_fit4life

If you would consider leaving someone for such a shallow reason, you don't love them.... which means if your partner loves you, they'd be better off if you didn't string them along.

If there are other factors at play and other reasons for wanting to leave, forgive me for being so blunt.
It's possible that increased confidence with better fitness brings your unhappiness with a relationship to your attention. Also, if someone makes you feel guilty for wanting to better your fitness or even sabotages you, that's another story entirely. But if you're like "I'm hot now and he/she isn't. I'm gonna go get me a hot one," my previous statement applies.

dgljones

It's easy to say it doesn't matter and if you find someone attractive why should that change if you lose weight. But in reality if you are not talking about 10 lbs over weight, but 100 plus, then yes if one partner loses it all and the other doesn't it is going to change the very dynamics of the relationship.
Doesn't mean it can't still work, but there are going to be a ton of new experiences going on. One partner is now likely to have far more energy and is going to start doing things the other one may not want to.
They are likely to have people flirt with them, even innocently, who wouldn't have done so before. A different world indeed.

dawnna76

Interesting! You can't force change on someone. When she is ready to lose weigh t then she will do it. Just because you made improvements does not mean they should follow. Lead by example and not pressure her into doing it, soon she will start asking questions on how to be better.

As for you leaving her seems a little selfish, since you made changes and she has not yet made that commitment your basically saying that you don't like her and you want to be around other females. How about if the roles where reverse and then what?!

This! I married my husband because of him, not how I expected him to always look. People change and grow older, lose weight, gain some. Relationships are mot all about lust. Wile it's a definite part of sexual health, physical should not be the reason you love someone.

twinmomtwice4

I'm in this very situation now and, honestly, it never even occurred to me to leave my husband if he doesn't get on board with his own weigh loss journey. For me, this is not a deal breaker....there are far worse things that would cause me to leave him than him being simply unhealthy and overweight.

Sure, it drives me crazy watching him suck down his 5th Dr Pepper in a period of 3 hours while I'm drinking my 10th glass of water. And I want to scream at him when I'm sweating my *kitten* off during a workout while he sits lazily on the sofa watching hours of television.

But, in the end, I realize he has to do this for himself. I can't make him lose weight or get healthy. I can support him and encourage him but I can't make him do it.

On the flip side, has my physical attraction to him been diminished as I'm getting more fit and he isn't? I'd be lying if I said no. I don't think I'd ever admit that to him, though.

dawnna76

Would you leave your partner?

Nope. Not a chance. He is hardworking, an amazing father, a dedicated partner, funny, brilliant, and a hundred other wonderful things.

While it drives me nuts that he'll sit down beside me with a bag of Lays, and his six-pack became a keg six years ago, he's still my man.

Exact ally! Words taken right out of my mouth. I love m husband for so many reason, and a change in one would not negate the thousands of other reasons I think he is a god!

spirytwynd

It is your call. However, relationships have to be about more than one thing, they have many dimensions. You have to pursue your fitness/health goals because it is what you want. Your partner has to do the same. Your partner has to change because they want to, not just because you want them to. That said, your support and your approval can be an additional motivator for them. I was in a relationship, and I knew I needed to get back into healthier habits, and I even wanted to get better - but before the relationship I was inconsistent and struggled to make changes I knew I needed and wanted. The fact that she made it a priority for herself and that she was making progress, and she wasn't demanding the same from me, all worked together to increase my motivation. I had gotten up to around 209, it was the heaviest I ever weighed. I started working to make improvements. I am now down to 176 and working to drop another 11 pounds. Still, it isn't the "numbers" that I am focusing on. Yes, I am happy to have dropped down in weight, but more important to me is that I feel better and like how I look better. I am making the changes for me, but I am glad to have her support. Your theoretical partner would need to be the same way, making the changes because they want to. A mind convinced against its will, is a mind of the same opinion still. The health aspect aside, you would need to weigh the relationship as a whole, all the aspects, before making your decision. I liked the post saying you should sit down and explain how you feel and why (without blaming or pointing fingers) and see if your partner is willing to change. Think of it as a team thing, see what you can work out.

NewMnky1

I have been married to my husband for 10 years, together 16. We started dating and we were both thin. We got fat together. Last year I decided I needed to change to be healthy. By virtue of not eating out all the time my husband lost a few pounds but has gone back to his way of eating.

I think what people have to remember is that if you decide to lose weight it is your decision and not your partners.

It was my decision and choice to get healthy and lose weight so I would never expect that my husband follow suit. I would like for him to be healthy, but would never love him less or find him less attractive because I made a choice for myself to change.

Rob0803

"I absolutely love that you brought this up. I thought I was wrong for asking myself the same question. I love my boyfriend dearly, but I look at him differently than when we first got together 6 years ago. I've changed so much (all in good ways I think), but he is still the same person. He eats nothing but garbage, he's gained a lot of weight (I did too, but I've since lost most of it), he still smokes (I quit years ago), etc. I was attracted to him years ago when I lived a similar lifestyle, but now that I care about my health, I see him in a different light. Grounds for break-up? Quite possibly... "



My first thought was, "Why wasn't a ring put on that finger about four years ago?" Then I saw that you have kiddos. That is tough. Divergent paths rarely realign. Congratulations on the changes you have made to improve yourself and to make yourself a positive role model for those children. How you present yourself to the world in terms of attitude will dramatically impact how they see the world.

AnneU93

It your lifestyles don't match anymore, that could mean problems when going out or spending time together which is a great part of the relationship. The fact that you have afsked the question would make me think that you aren't that in love with the other person and I would therefore conclude that you would become much happier finding someone more suitable.

Some people think that just because you have changed and the other person hasn't that you should just deal with it, but that you shouldn't listen to. It is called growing apart and that is the reason why people get new friends, break up or get divorced

Lesa_Sass

Well, for me it would probably happen like this. I would have no intentions of leaving but I probably would cheat. I would grow less and less sexually attracted to them and more attracted to other people to the point that I would either leave or get caught cheating.

So grateful my husband takes his life and body as seriously as I do mine. We recognize the value of how important good health is for the long run, not just for the here and now. I, for one, do not want to be sitting in a dr office beside a sick and unhealthy elderly husband. I want to be sitting on a boat with him in the middle of the Caribbean waiting our turn to parasail.

oex0duso

I'm actually in the same boat right now.

What I learned is that, you can't help someone until they help themselves first.

AmyS79

When you love somone, you love them period! Sounds like to me you now think that you are in shape you deserve someone better then what she is right now.t when you where the same as her she was good enough for you. This is an ego talking you think I can get a hot girl now but ask yourself this is my heart talking or my ego?

drchimpanzee

My ex and I gained together then started losing together. She had quicker success along with less to lose so the minute her single friends started inviting her clubbing and she got attention she was gone. That's women for you.

BoomstickChick

I'm dealing with this with my husband. I'm not in good shape at all, but I'm getting there. He's not. And! He has a lot of help issues and I don't. He has a need to change and won't. I'm done nagging him about it. I'm worried about myself and not him anymore. If he wants to eat crap, fine. I won't cook it anymore. Our kids won't have it anymore.