Losing Weight While Your Partner Doesn't

ashlinmarie

That is rather shallow....just because you are ready to make those changes, doesn't mean they have to be. Maybe he/she is happy the way they are. Sure, you can give nudges, but pushing them will only make them resent you. If nothing else is wrong in the relationship there is no need to end it. Who knows, perhaps you will motivate your partner and one day out of nowhere he/she will start making those changes themselves.

chellec23

If this is something that is making you question whether you love her enough to be with her long-term, then clearly you're not committed to the relationship. If she is happy with herself and you feel the need to change her, there is a big problem. Personally, I think it's kind of shallow, but if that's how you are thinking and feeling, then you need to do something about it. Think it through really well, then have an open, honest conversation with her. Tell her your thoughts and feelings, but make sure not to be all accusatory about it. Don't do the "You need to change" thing, because that will make more problems.

barb1241

Is he rich????

Seriously, though. I have been married 33 years. My husband has generally been fitter than I have, but our weights and levels of fitness have varied over such a long time. Until these last 3 years. Now, I would stay on my plan regardless. He eats differently than I do except for dinner and our nightly snack. And he eats crap and garbage at work. I cook dinner and he makes my snack. We pretty much agree what to have and I am really good at making it taste like un-diet food. I am not as fit as he is, but for the first time in a long time-I am thinner.

He isn't a big guy by any means, and he has lost a few pounds. Not as much as I have. Neither of us is at goal weight. but MY goal is exactly that. And the same for him. HIS goal is HIS. I am not his mommy. He is not my daddy.

I think he would have to be really HUGE and slovenly for me to change my opinion of him to the negative, but we have been together for a really long time. And neither of us is a hottie.

If it was a shorter (much shorter) relationship, then I might have concerns about whether the person would be a good life partner if they didn't care about themselves at all-but I would be equally concerned about a self-involved attention *kitten* too.

I like middle of the road, I guess, LOL!

2FatToRun

My old man is a truck driver and I am fat now because I didn't exercise for the past 6 yrs that I rode by his side in that truck. Now I am staying home and I am changing my lifestyle back to how it was before. However he is not and will probably cont to get fatter and fatter. He is worried I will get thin and leave him but I know I wont. 6 months is not long term enough to be worried about staying or leaving. You have in fact saved your whole life by making this change and need to find someone that shares the same lifestyle you live and want to maintain. I wont leave my old man because we are 7 yrs in and I truly love him for everything he is and we started out together thin with the same lifestyles. He is my best friend. Others may call you selfish but I think you would be wise not selfish to start a life with someone who has the same interests and goals that way as the years go bye most things that would be an issue like this very subject will not ever even exist. You really should know who you are through and through before you decide to commit to another human being in a long term relationship. If you dont it never ends well.

Icedrgn

If you're unattracted to him, and he doesn't want to change, and there are no kids involved then tell him you've changed and want to be with someone that has more in common with you. Looks dont even play into it so dont take any grief from that angle. It'll be hard but it will be for the better.

ItsCasey

Would you bail if your partner had cancer? Or some other sickness or illness? I don't know if you are married or not, but I am, and I married my man in sickness and in health, for better or worse, til death do us part. That encompases all the wonderful parts of our marriage, and the less than stellar parts of our marriage. I can bet you there are things your partner does not like about you, but LOVE overlooks a lot of fault!

We're not talking about contracting an illness or something you have no control over. We're also not talking solely about looks. We're talking about someone making a conscious decision to not even try to adopt a healthier lifestyle. That is every bit as much an internal thing as it is an external thing.

The OP also was not necessarily talking about breaking marriage vows. He said "in a relationship."

I don't understand why people are expected to stay in a relationship with someone who makes very different lifestyle choices, just because they were more compatible at some point in the past. People grow and change. If your boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't grow with you, then isn't it more fair to BOTH of you for you to go your separate ways so you can find people whose goals and values are more in line with your own?

To say it's selfish to break up with someone because their lifestyle is no longer compatible with yours is ridiculous. If I was dating a guy and we were getting drunk every night and then I decided I didn't want to get drunk every night anymore because, hey, I'm an adult and I have a job I'd like to keep, but my boyfriend wants to keep doing it on his own, am I selfish for breaking up with him because his lifestyle doesn't really work with mine anymore? No. It's called changing. We're like humans that way.

Zelinna

Honest question. Say you have been in a relationship for a few years with somebody, and you decide to lose weight / change your lifestyle. 6 months down the road and you're in great shape while your partner has stayed the same (maintained the same lifestyle). You have tried to motivate your partner to better themselves physically but they don't want to change anything. You now don't see your partner in the same way physically, and think it's unfair that you care about how you look but they don't care about it.

Would you leave your partner?

No. I started MY journey last June, when my husband had a hip replacement. I have a much healthier lifestyle, as well as have dropped weight. My husband gained about 20 pounds while dealing with his hip issues limiting his active lifestyle. As I have dropped lbs and gotten in better shape, he has sat by with a bag of chips (or whatever) complaining about his gut. I didn't marry him for his gut, nor did I care that he put on the weight. I care about his lack of satisfaction in his life. I continued with my healthier habits, that I am developing for me, with obvious benefits for him.

As I hit the dreadmill the last 6 weeks, he started coming downstairs. Then he started with his weights, and bike. He is slowly working on the eating. I am happy he is starting to feel better.

Thru all of this, I decided to change, I didn't try to change him. He had to make that decision. I didn't need to have a conversation about how his lack of desire to change was affecting me, bc it wasn't, other than his complaints and not doing anything. It sounds as if you need to have a serious, compassionate, honest discussion about your feelings.

My husband felt I was leaving him behind, and in a sense pouted until he was ready to make changes for him, which in turn combined with my changes are improving our life together and with our 3 children.

My husband and I started working out together about a year ago and then we both fell off the wagon. When I started again in August, it took him almost 6 months to start to join me again. It didn't bother me that he wasn't joining me, because he had lost around 70 lbs before and I knew when he was ready he would do it again.

Right when he started up again he fell skating and broke his ankle and tore the tendons. He was stuck on the couch for almost 2 months and has been only able to start walking again within the last two weeks. I know it was hard for him to see me getting smaller when he was was stuck on the couch, but I think it also will motivate him to work that much harder when he is able to.

sportzmom23

[Quote/]We're not talking about contracting an illness or something you have no control over. We're also not talking solely about looks. We're talking about someone making a conscious decision to not even try to adopt a healthier lifestyle. That is every bit as much an internal thing as it is an external thing.

The OP also was not necessarily talking about breaking marriage vows. He said "in a relationship."

I don't understand why people are expected to stay in a relationship with someone who makes very different lifestyle choices, just because they were more compatible at some point in the past. People grow and change. If your boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't grow with you, then isn't it more fair to BOTH of you for you to go your separate ways so you can find people whose goals and values are more in line with your own?

To say it's selfish to break up with someone because their lifestyle is no longer compatible with yours is ridiculous. If I was dating a guy and we were getting drunk every night and then I decided I didn't want to get drunk every night anymore because, hey, I'm an adult and I have a job I'd like to keep, but my boyfriend wants to keep doing it on his own, am I selfish for breaking up with him because his lifestyle doesn't really work with mine anymore? No. It's called changing. We're like humans that way.
[/quote]

OP asked what I would do as the reader of his post. I gave my opinion, you give yours.

My opinion, based on my 17 year relationship, with three kids, a house, two dogs etc; no I wouldn't leave. Based on my short term relationships, no other 'entanglements' yes, because I was not as invested.. When I committed to my relationship, I committed to working on the relationship, working through differences. Nothing to do with the definition of the relationship, marraige, engagement, boyfriend, etc.

JMHO

tracywaz

Wish there was a "like" button here! So many good posts!

Our 10 year wedding anniversary is in May. I knew going into this that I married my polar opposite. I'm outgoing, he's reserved. I'm impulsive, he's safe. I like art, he likes sports. The one thing we have in common is that we both got pretty fat together. Usually, we diet together by proxy because he respects my desire to lead a healthier lifestyle, so he'll eat the same foods. BUT, I have one serving, he has 3.

I've been on a really good program for 3 months now and he wants to join, but due to his work schedule, it's difficult. With him, it's a lot of "when I get started." What bothers me is that he knows there are other options out there- we could buy P90X or a similar program, a personal trainer lives 2 houses down, he could do SOMETHING. I'm excited that he wants to join the fitness group I'm a part of, but in the meantime, there's nothing wrong with starting slowly. He's made comments that he wants to get really fat before starting so that he really sees results. Insert eye roll here!

Yes, it drives me bonkers. But I won't leave him. I know he's paranoid I will- he's even asked me a couple of times. Like others have said, he's a great father, he allows me to be who I am and we have a good time together. No way I'm walking away and starting over. I've had a lot of friends who have lost a lot of weight, got new boobs or other surgery and left because they suddenly had more confidence. But in those cases, I think there were problems in the relationship to begin with.

fara180

i've normally dated people who were either in better shape than me or on the same level as far as our lifestyle. i don't think it would bother me if they weren't though, unless their unhealthy choices and habits were causing health risks to them or stifling my own growth as a person. example: they are constantly snacking in front of me knowing i'm dieting, they are morbidly obese and at risk of getting diabetes, etc.

i feel like i'm on the opposite side of the spectrum currently, i'm dating a really great guy who is literally like a fitness god/guru. he's in the military and has muscle for miles and he loves going to the gym. he's super dedicated and while i love that about him, i sometimes feel like i'm "the fat one," in the relationship. i know it sounds petty, especially since he adores me and my body but still. however, this has been a motivator for me to kick start my weight loss as well so it's not all bad

ajsjourney

I would not leave for this reason, people reach their time for a lifestyle change when they are ready. My boyfriend is very supportive of my long hours at the gym and healthier way of eating. He is not ready to focus on a lifestyle change yet, but I know he would like to get in better shape at some point. Ive been where he is at, so I understand having to be ready for it. However, if his health got bad because of it, I would talk to him about it and show any support I could to help.

NaturallyladyE

Wow i have really been felling this way glad i found this post. My story is very similiar except im married so i can't just up and leave my partner because he has stopped working out. We both were doing great at first and now he has started back eating unhealthy he eats out every day at least 3 times a day! YES i do cook and i cook often and he literally just told me this week when i cooked broiled shrimp green beans and rice that he wanted something HEAVY and went out and got him some fried chicken wings and french fries and ate my meal and that meal as well!!! Now people please tell me what is HEAVY??? Im not about to fry food every day and if he wants to eat out then its on him bec i have done my part and prepared a meal its not my fault that u dont eat it. YES it hurts my feelings that my partner doesn't want to eat what i cook but oh well. Bottom line stay with her and once she sees all the attention women start giving u she may jump on the band wagon.

cubbies77

I don't understand why people are expected to stay in a relationship with someone who makes very different lifestyle choices, just because they were more compatible at some point in the past. People grow and change. If your boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't grow with you, then isn't it more fair to BOTH of you for you to go your separate ways so you can find people whose goals and values are more in line with your own?

To say it's selfish to break up with someone because their lifestyle is no longer compatible with yours is ridiculous. If I was dating a guy and we were getting drunk every night and then I decided I didn't want to get drunk every night anymore because, hey, I'm an adult and I have a job I'd like to keep, but my boyfriend wants to keep doing it on his own, am I selfish for breaking up with him because his lifestyle doesn't really work with mine anymore? No. It's called changing. We're like humans that way.

This. Exactly.

That said, I won't leave my boyfriend once I get to goal weight because we are very independent and have lots of separate interests. I like that I get some "me" time when I workout, and he likes that I don't nag him when he plays video games. He's very respectful of my healthier lifestyle, and I don't judge him for eating candy and drinking Pepsi. I love him for so many reasons, and those won't change (his sense of humor, his intelligence, his generosity, etc).

We've been together for 3.5 years, and we've been through a LOT of ups, downs, and big life changes. We've proved we can handle whatever's thrown at us, so yeah, I don't see myself leaving him just because I'm in shape. If anything, it'll make our relationship BETTER, for a variety of reasons.

endoftheside

I am sure my perspective is a bit skewed because I have been with DH for over 20 years and a LOT of things have changed in that time, not just weight, but it feels controlling to me for a partner to say "I made a change, you didn't, see ya". In a relationship, if you immediately bail the first time you don't see eye to eye on something, it's never going to make it to long-term. It's kinda crazy how you fall in and out and back in love over the years, but if you remember what drew you together to begin with (hopefully a lot more than physical attraction) then you can ride out the hard times. Once you've gotten through one hard time and seen that it can get better, it gets easier to see the long view. In the times I have felt unhappy in my marriage, it turned out to be a lot more about me than about him, even though that was not how it seemed at first glance.

To me health and fitness qualifies as a hobby, not a value, and I do not expect to always share hobbies with DH. As long as we overlap in enough areas of our lives, we don't have to do every single thing together. We can grow individually in different directions and still maintain a core of common ground. He lost his 50 pounds over a year ago, I wasn't ready then, but it really does not compute in my brain that he would have even considered leaving me over something like that!

One thing I know about him, is that he always believes I am doing the best I can, and that unwavering support allows me to grow at my own pace and my own time. Contrasted with a previous long-term relationship, where I was always being judged for doing/not doing/being/not-being x/y/z, and trying to fit in someone else's vision of what I should be, yeah, being in a relationship where you can be your real self (not the perfect airbrushed version) is 1000x better.

How's that for a sappy Friday post!

barbiesnd

For me that wouldn't be a reason to leave, I'm doing this for myself because it's what I need to do.
So if the bf wants to sit on the couch eating m & m's while I'm trying to get healthy that's his choice and not a valid reason to me to replace him with someone that might fit my new life style better now.

Him not being capable of replacing an empty toilet paper roll with a full one after almost 20 yrs. now that there is almost reason enough to replace him... :grumble:

^^this^^:laugh:

Chrissy180

When I was at my heaviest I got married. I thought I would never be in a serious relationship with someone because i was so heavy. So when I found someone that I thought loved me for me no matter my size I got married. Two years into the marriage I lost almost 150 lbs and looked and felt great. I looked at my husband and realized that I would have never married him if I had higher self esteem. We had one child together during our marriage, but we were both miserable. It was like I was married to a complete stranger. I decided I needed to walk away from our five year marriage. We would never have been happy and our daughter deserved better. I ended up looking selfish but we are both happier now, as is our child. The stupid things people do to fill the voids in their life. Live and learn.

michelleraebaker

Since I have started my battle with weight loss, I realize now it’s not a “fad” it’s a life time commitment. People change over time and as we change and fitness becomes a priority in our lives we grow apart from those whom it doesn’t.

Marriage is also a life time commitment though, so I would positively encourage her.

zettevida

I think leaving a spouse over their weight would be like leaving someone because they have cancer. Weight issues are health issues. If you have been unhealthy and overweight before, then you should be the first person to understand what it is like for your spouse. We marry a person because we love them so much that we want to spend the rest of our life with them NO MATTER WHAT. Husbands and wives are there to support each other, not leave when it gets tough or the other person is not making decisions that you would make. Put yourself in that person's place. How bad would it make you feel if your spouse became more healthy and physically attractive while you stayed the same? That can be a major blow to someone's self esteem. Your job as a life partner is to lift that person up. Live your life in a healthy way. Worry about you, not changing them, and soon they will see that you are not going anywhere, you are the same person on the inside, and you still love them, and maybe they will decide to join you. They may be YOUR husband our YOUR wife, but in the end we only own ourselves, not each other.

NatashaWhowantstoknow

Somewhere along the line the person that is now fit and in great shape was unfit and not so good shape when they were with their partner and obviously it wasn't a problem for the partner when they were out of shape so I think it is kind of messed up to give the unfit partner an ultimatum like do something about yourself or I am gone. If it was a genuine reason such as my feelings are changing and I don't want to jeopardize our relationship then that would be something to talk about. But unfortunately I think when people lose weight and get in shape there is some personality change and when more attention comes our way by more attractive people I think we have to be real careful.

Think about it like this. This person was with you no matter what you look like now will the new person be with you if you fall off and go back to your old self?

Heypapajinx

Ha. I don't have any others with significance in my life right now, and any regular others either.

I actually was reading about prenuptial agreements where if the other person gains a lot of weight then they can divorce without financial penalty. That's what piqued my interest.

Now THAT is interesting. The only thing that I could think of is utilizing irreconcilable differences... however your weight, unless there is a medical condition involved, is not necessarily irreconcilable. HA!

cubanbruin

I know EXACTLY how u feel. I lost 30 pounds after my new years resolution to become fit for 2013.
I feel better. I was working my *kitten* of..i was happy. But my boyfriend, no matter how much I motivated him
does not want the same for him self..hes the same..plus a few lbs if anything and its a slight turn off when
comparing my lifestyle to his..it sucks..and I've talked to him about it but. Yea things are rocky right now

jenniferlcrumb

This is just hypothetical...I'm not in a relationship. But I am sure people have been in this position before.

I'm not Mr. Fitness by any means, but I keep myself in decent shape. That's just part of who I am and what I care about. I wouldn't marry someone who doesn't feel the same way.

That being said....I feel that it wouldn't boil down to the physical aspect as much as the lifestyle change (changing what you value as a person).

You definetly posted a good topic, lots of people responding to it, guess its because it does cross your mind. Personally I joined the gym in Sept, have been working out, eating better, and exercising like crazy but to get my hubby off the couch and away from his chips, pop, and video game is nearly impossible and it drives me crazy when he wont eat the healthy food I cook for us and our kids, (but the kids plow through it, so you know its delicious) and he gets angry sometimes when I leave the kids with him if I want to go for run or fast walk(kids cant keep up). My point is I think it is very questionable when one partner changes and the other doesnt just refuse but isnt supportive. It really is hard to stay in a relationship when your partner doesnt join you and share your success.

pinkraynedropjacki

Would I leave them? Why? Did they leave me cause was fat? Um no. What kind of self centered person would leave a person because they didn't want to lose weight?

I've lost all the weight I need to lose & my husband has put on more. I still love him just as much & would never dream of leaving him or ANYONE over their physical appearance. He was skinnier when I was fatter, he was with me cause he loved ME.... not my size.


No wonder so many people get divorced....so many excuses to leave..... yet not one valid.

MizTerry

Living it.

No I wouldn't. I promised for better or for worse, and he loved ME when I was larger, why shouldn't I love him while HE is larger?

2FatToRun

Living it.

No I wouldn't. I promised for better or for worse, and he loved ME when I was larger, why shouldn't I love him while HE is larger?

Oh Ma Garsh....love your pic!!!! :drinker:

triciab79

I adore my husband. He loved me no matter what size I was and I love him no matter what size he is. All the guys who hit on me now wouldn't have given the old me the time of day. I want him to be healthier for him and for our kids but not for any other reason. Even if his size means I won't get to have him around forever I still wouldn't give up a minute that I do have.

misspatrice562

Great topic. I'll have to read this later.

amysue1971

Nope! My husband is 320+ and I love every bit of him. Would I like him to jump in with me? Yes... but he will when he is ready to.

kellyjkaylor

absolutely not, I love my husband so much, 19 yrs together, 17 married, 3 kids, many life struggles with losing grandparents and parents, we both gained weight together, he teases me a lot saying im getting skinny so I can leave him but I would never!! I loved him when I met him a skinny teenage guy and I'll love him old and heavier as well. I pray he decides one day to make these choices for health reasons but I would never leave him, I love that man more everyday reguardless!!

mlelie

I'm in this situation, as well. I've lost weight and have adopted a healthy lifestyle, but my husband has not. I really wish he would come on board, because he is really overweight and greatly needs to improve his health. But, I would never leave him for this reason. All I can do is show him the benefits and allow him to make the decision. He is a great man. I choose to love him regardless of his weight or interests (or lack thereof) in physical activity and healthy living.