Losing Weight While Your Partner Doesn't

HeidiCooksSupper

No.

1) Just because I'm making changes does not beholden them to do exactly what I am doing.

2) If I'm resentful about it, that's MY problem, not theirs.

3) You're in or you're out. Make up your mind.

Absolutely on point. You may be doing well now but you may not always. You may fall back to your old habits. You may get hurt or ill and end up incapacitated. If you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them than your commitment needs to be "in sickness and in health." If the relationship is shallower than that, then don't hang around and further emotionally abuse the person who is already beating up herself. That's just cruel.

KenosFeoh

I couldn't, but my situation is different. We've been married for 35 years as of June, and the level of commitment is set in stone. It's hard to know without being in the situation, but I think that even if one of us was horribly disfigured in an accident, nobody is walking out.

IkirPaulson

It sounds like you already plan on leaving her and are seeking validation to not feel guilty. I may be wrong, but that's what it sounds like.
I would never leave my husband, and I am in the exact same situation. It is what it is. Love the one you're with. If you don't want to because you think weight loss makes you better than her, find someone who thinks the same way. You can be gym rats together and your ex can be with someone who loves her no matter what. .

Honest question. Say you have been in a relationship for a few years with somebody, and you decide to lose weight / change your lifestyle. 6 months down the road and you're in great shape while your partner has stayed the same (maintained the same lifestyle). You have tried to motivate your partner to better themselves physically but they don't want to change anything. You now don't see your partner in the same way physically, and think it's unfair that you care about how you look but they don't care about it.

Would you leave your partner?

dfonte

It looks like no one read my follow up post on the first page. I'll paste it below...

"This is just hypothetical...I'm not in a relationship. But I am sure people have been in this position before.

I'm not Mr. Fitness by any means, but I keep myself in decent shape. That's just part of who I am and what I care about. I wouldn't marry someone who doesn't feel the same way.

That being said....I feel that it wouldn't boil down to the physical aspect as much as the lifestyle change (changing what you value as a person)."

tenintwenty

This is why I have a hot boyfriend. Not an issue. I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone I'm not physically attracted to. Been there, done that, over it. Good sex is important, attraction is important, looks matter for both. I don't care if it's shallow. We can get ugly when we're old, but there's no excuse in your 20's through 50's to not keep yourself up for your own and your partner's enjoyment.

Heypapajinx

It looks like no one read my follow up post on the first page. I'll paste it below...

"This is just hypothetical...I'm not in a relationship. But I am sure people have been in this position before.

I'm not Mr. Fitness by any means, but I keep myself in decent shape. That's just part of who I am and what I care about. I wouldn't marry someone who doesn't feel the same way.

That being said....I feel that it wouldn't boil down to the physical aspect as much as the lifestyle change (changing what you value as a person)."

Oh, I read your follow up post, I just figured it was a cover up for one of those "a friend of a friend" kind of stories. And still, perhaps you don't really have a significant other that is not interested in joining in with you, but then something very specific piqued your interest.

dfonte

Ha. I don't have any others with significance in my life right now, and any regular others either.

I actually was reading about prenuptial agreements where if the other person gains a lot of weight then they can divorce without financial penalty. That's what piqued my interest.

hrouns

No.
I would hope that my success would inspire him to better himself and I would offer my guidance through personal experience when he decided he was ready to make that change.
The thing about fitness is YOU have to be ready to make the change. If he doesn't want to change anything at this point he won't have the motivation to keep with it.
I'd suggest new, easy fit hobbies we could do together, like a brisk walk after dinner, or lifting handweights at home in the mornings. If he's very overweight or obese I would suggest he brings up his weight at his next dr. appt and discuss with his doctor how his weight is effecting his health- possibly find out his cholesterol, blood pressure, sugar levels, etc. Maybe his deteriorating health could be motivation.

I really am kind of in this situation. My boyfriend is obese and I've been on a weight loss journey since far before we started dating and he's always kind of been the same, putting on lbs as he gets older and not making any changes. Of course I am still very attracted to him and there are other things we can do together but he's expressed how he wants to get fit to me many times. But I have to make deals with him to get him to go to the gym with me. I got him to go once and never again and I kind of gave up trying. Of course I'd love him to get more active for his health and to give us something else to do together but I'm willing to take baby steps with him and wait until he's really ready to make that change for himself.

xampx

I wouldnt say it was a reason to leave them, no.

However I am posting because this happened to me. An ex of mine was trying to get fitter and just nagged and nagged and nagged me and made me feel crappy and worthless because I just wasn't in that place at that time. I tried to eat right and didnt feel like exercising, and no matter how much nagging there was, I wasn't going to do it until I was ready. (which is about 4-5 years later!)

As it happens, I left him, but not purely for that reason.

NewMnky1

I don't know why but this question always seems to errk me.

People have to remember that just because YOU made a decision to change something about yourself does not mean that you are making that decision for your partner. It was a choice for you and you alone.

My husband and I got fat together. I made this decision for myself and myself alone, I did not assume or expect that when I made this decision I was making it for him and he had to do what I was doing.

If he decided to jump on board great, if not that is fine too. For the record, he is very supportive and happy of my weight loss but he has not lost weight and is not trying to and I am perfectly fine with that. I loved him before he gained weight and after he gained weight so why should his weight matter now that I have have chosen to lose weight?

I know this is a very different scenairo but if he decided he wanted to join a motorcycle club does that mean I have to do it too even though I have no interest in that??? I don't think so, it is the same thing with weight loss, you can expect that just because you want to do it your partner should follow.

There all done, thanks for listening to my rant LOL!

squatsandlipgloss

I don't know why but this question always seems to errk me.

People have to remember that just because YOU made a decision to change something about yourself does not mean that you are making that decision for your partner. It was a choice for you and you alone.

My husband and I got fat together. I made this decision for myself and myself alone, I did not assume or expect that when I made this decision I was making it for him and he had to do what I was doing.

If he decided to jump on board great, if not that is fine too. For the record, he is very supportive and happy of my weight loss but he has not lost weight and is not trying to and I am perfectly fine with that. I loved him before he gained weight and after he gained weight so why should his weight matter now that I have have chosen to lose weight?

I know this is a very different scenairo but if he decided he wanted to join a motorcycle club does that mean I have to do it too even though I have no interest in that??? I don't think so, it is the same thing with weight loss, you can expect that just because you want to do it your partner should follow.

There all done, thanks for listening to my rant LOL!

Yes, yes and yes.

If you all of a sudden think you're better than that person because you changed your lifestyle, you need to reevaluate what love means. I think it is a different story if your partner decided to change his lifestyle for the worst and/or it starts getting in the way of your relationship.

squatsandlipgloss

It looks like no one read my follow up post on the first page. I'll paste it below...

"This is just hypothetical...I'm not in a relationship. But I am sure people have been in this position before.

I'm not Mr. Fitness by any means, but I keep myself in decent shape. That's just part of who I am and what I care about. I wouldn't marry someone who doesn't feel the same way.

That being said....I feel that it wouldn't boil down to the physical aspect as much as the lifestyle change (changing what you value as a person)."

Difference here is, you ARE already in shape. If you would be unhealthy with your partner for years and then YOU decide to get healthy, you would be a real douche if you'd leave that person for not changing WITH you. Can I understand that you wouldn't be willing to GET into a relationship with someone that doesn't share that lifestyle? Absolutely.

JessicaBR0

Interesting! You can't force change on someone. When she is ready to lose weigh t then she will do it. Just because you made improvements does not mean they should follow. Lead by example and not pressure her into doing it, soon she will start asking questions on how to be better.

As for you leaving her seems a little selfish, since you made changes and she has not yet made that commitment your basically saying that you don't like her and you want to be around other females. How about if the roles where reverse and then what?!

^ Exactly this!

zyxst

Honest question. Say you have been in a relationship for a few years with somebody, and you decide to lose weight / change your lifestyle. 6 months down the road and you're in great shape while your partner has stayed the same (maintained the same lifestyle). You have tried to motivate your partner to better themselves physically but they don't want to change anything. You now don't see your partner in the same way physically, and think it's unfair that you care about how you look but they don't care about it.

Would you leave your partner?

No.

perfectionisntme

You just explained my husband and I, but I wouldn't leave him because he doesn't workout the way I do or always eat the way I do. The only difference is, my husband has a desk job, severe asthma, but does laborious work around the yard and is in pretty decent shape and MOST (not all of the time) eats healthy with me.

A relationship isn't based on just physical appearance, clearly you have some other issues you just don't see yet.

ItsCasey

Honest question. Say you have been in a relationship for a few years with somebody, and you decide to lose weight / change your lifestyle. 6 months down the road and you're in great shape while your partner has stayed the same (maintained the same lifestyle). You have tried to motivate your partner to better themselves physically but they don't want to change anything. You now don't see your partner in the same way physically, and think it's unfair that you care about how you look but they don't care about it.

Would you leave your partner?

If we were married, no. It would not be that easy for me to break my vows.

If we were dating and I had tried (gently and respectfully) to get him to develop some better habits, but he outright refused to even try, then that would be the beginning of the end. It wouldn't be the "You're letting yourself go, and I deserve someone hotter" aspect that would bother me. It would be the refusal to try, especially considering that eating better and being more active are good for you. If he wasn't interested in even giving it a shot, then I'd quickly realize we were no longer compatible.

This is a difficult thing because, to the non-health nut, it comes off as being critical of the other person's appearance, which seems shallow and superficial. But the reality is that being healthy and fit is a lifestyle choice. It's something you believe in, not just something you do. And it's difficult, if not downright impossible, to have a good relationship with a person who doesn't share your belief in something as basic as the food you eat and how you take care of your body.

I'm glad that I lost the weight and adopted this lifestyle before becoming seriously involved with anyone so that I don't ever have to go through that. I know now that I will choose someone who makes eating well and being physically active a priority, just as I do.

EmAnCiNaS

if you are thinking of doing that(but will not admit it) you are a selfish je**! and she doesnt DESERVE a loser like that! (seems like all those years she spent with you, were a waste in her life!

SGSmallman

While I agree with the comments that a relationship/ marriage is only partially based on appearance and looks there is another side.

I recently split from my gf although we had only been together a short period of time. Now there are a number of reasons why I decided to end it.

1) Yes I had made improvements to my diet/ lifestyle and my new lifestyle was different to what we bonded over (meals out and takeaways)

2) I didn't try to force my re found beliefs on her but she tried to resist against my change (fattening me up and getting upset when i'd only eat a small portion of what she cooked)

3) I was fit before we got together, i have always been active but now decided to kick it up a notch but her insecurities about weight (and she was only a 14 but a tall girl) and me being over weight were a road block, and as much as i liked her we had less of a connection.

End of the day what we are all doing is hard enough we should be surrounded by positive people who offer us support. My situation and everyone else who's thrown their two cents in are all right in their own situations but probably not yours.

Sometimes it doesn't work out, people come and go in your life either for them to teach you something or you to teach them. Don't take this decision lightly but end of the day what mattes the most is your happiness

SGSmallman

Honest question. Say you have been in a relationship for a few years with somebody, and you decide to lose weight / change your lifestyle. 6 months down the road and you're in great shape while your partner has stayed the same (maintained the same lifestyle). You have tried to motivate your partner to better themselves physically but they don't want to change anything. You now don't see your partner in the same way physically, and think it's unfair that you care about how you look but they don't care about it.

Would you leave your partner?

If we were married, no. It would not be that easy for me to break my vows.

If we were dating and I had tried (gently and respectfully) to get him to develop some better habits, but he outright refused to even try, then that would be the beginning of the end. It wouldn't be the "You're letting yourself go, and I deserve someone hotter" aspect that would bother me. It would be the refusal to try, especially considering that eating better and being more active are good for you. If he wasn't interested in even giving it a shot, then I'd quickly realize we were no longer compatible.

This is a difficult thing because, to the non-health nut, it comes off as being critical of the other person's appearance, which seems shallow and superficial. But the reality is that being healthy and fit is a lifestyle choice. It's something you believe in, not just something you do. And it's difficult, if not downright impossible, to have a good relationship with a person who doesn't share your belief in something as basic as the food you eat and how you take care of your body.

I'm glad that I lost the weight and adopted this lifestyle before becoming seriously involved with anyone so that I don't ever have to go through that. I know now that I will choose someone who makes eating well and being physically active a priority, just as I do.

AMEN to this!

if you're not compatible 9/10 it wont work it's like someone who's only into heavy metal music and the lifestyle it holds compared to another in the classical/ instrumental life. Completely different Theres obviously a lot more to it than that but people sometimes just dont understand what another person enjoys doing?

rhinesb

Honest question. Say you have been in a relationship for a few years with somebody, and you decide to lose weight / change your lifestyle. 6 months down the road and you're in great shape while your partner has stayed the same (maintained the same lifestyle). You have tried to motivate your partner to better themselves physically but they don't want to change anything. You now don't see your partner in the same way physically, and think it's unfair that you care about how you look but they don't care about it.

Would you leave your partner?

You could I guess. But really there is more to it than that. People change we all know. If you have changed enough and you do not feel that the other will ever grow with you then for your partners sake leave. It is not their fault that you have decided to change yourself and they have maintained status quo. Maybe they were happy with themselves. Maybe you are going through a mid-life crisis and you've been acting strangely. *I'm just throwing out all sorts of possible scenarios*

Do you love them for who they were when you met them? Obviously not if you are willing to dump them because they haven't changed with you. Were you settling for them because you were unhealthy too and now that you are hot you now deserve better than what you settled for?

I find it fairly selfish-egotystical-single minded that you feel that since you have changed that they should too. *general you--not point a finger at you as I don't know if you are really asking this question for yourself or not*

Ok with all that being said, here is the deal. If you are leading an unhealthy life style and say you just can't take it anymore and you change for the better but your partner or friend does not, is it okay to leave them? Yes it is ok to leave them. Though I do take it as a sign that the relationship had problems anyways because if you two truly had a connection and truly had a close relationship you would not dump him or her just because they haven't jumped on the get healthy band wagon.


I say this because my husband and I have had our moments of unhealthy living. He has gotten in shape and I have not. I have gotten in shape and he has not. However our fitness is not what drew us together. We came together because of our religious, political, moral, cultural, etc...beliefs. We are together because we love each other and not because one of us is fat or skinny. We are together because we love doing the same things. We are together because he has my back and I have his. We are together because I love HIM, not his weight. If he gained 200 lbs I would worry about him because he has asthma and he could die or have a shorter life but I would never leave him. If I considered leaving him for that then I never actually love *him* just loved his exterior.

Now say we were together because we were young etc...and slowly through the years our lives went through changes and eventually we no longer spent time with one another and that our views split. No longer do we have things to bring us together. So weight then is something that is actually dragging you apart but weight and health is really just the excuse to leave and not the real reason to leave. I've actually seen a lot of couples split up because he was fat or she was fat. But that wasn't the REAL reason. The real reason is because one of them thought that they could do better and didn't REALLY love the other one. Don't fool yourself either, you might care for the person but if you truly love someone weight ALONE would not be a good enough reason to end the relationship. If weight ALONE was the reason for you to dump the other then you are one hell of a shallow person. The above scenario is assuming that both parties do not have relationship problems or other issues and that they are 'normal' everyday people.

I can see a few scenarios where one might leave someone else due to weight or food issues but those scenarios usually involve the person with the weight or food issues having other 'mental' (mental as in having hang ups or control issues etc....) problems that lead the healthy person to be miserable and finally even though they may love the other person they just can see spending the rest of their lives with someone who always seems to be in a downward spiral.

chercee

No. My fiance is the love of my life for a million reasons, and I would not leave him because of something like this. While I wish he would eat a little better, and try to be a bit more active, I love him completely for who he is, inside and out. There have been many, many times he could have walked out on me - I have a chronic illness that pretty much rules our life together. He supports and loves me unconditionally - even when there are days I'm in so much pain I can barely get out of bed, or when we have to adjust/cancel plans because I'm just not feeling up to it. That's the kind of love that lasts, not the superficial stuff. Of course I want him to be healthy so we can have a long, beautiful life together - but he could weight a metric tonne and I would still love him with all my heart. He is handsome, funny, kind, supportive, loving, and the best friend I could hope for. Weight is not a dealbreaker.

OneEyeUp

That crap doesn't matter. You love her regardless of how she looks. You got with her in the first place didn't you? If you truly love her, your eyes will never allow you to see her as anything but the best looking person in the world.

abnerner

No. If you love someone, that alone shouldn't make you leave them. If you leave them, there obviously were other issues than just the fitness.

bluefox9er

why would you dump your partner for a stupid reason like that?? it means you love yourself more than you love the person you are committed to. Getting plenty tired of the "because i am on a health kick, everyone else who isn't or chooses not to is inferior" mentality on MFP

npeery

I personally would not leave my partner for this reason. I did not fall in love with him because of his body or his lifestyle habits. I do worry about his health and try to motivate and influence him in a positive manner, but I agree with the other posts here that say that you cannot force someone to change.

abnerner

I don't know why but this question always seems to errk me.

People have to remember that just because YOU made a decision to change something about yourself does not mean that you are making that decision for your partner. It was a choice for you and you alone.

My husband and I got fat together. I made this decision for myself and myself alone, I did not assume or expect that when I made this decision I was making it for him and he had to do what I was doing.

If he decided to jump on board great, if not that is fine too. For the record, he is very supportive and happy of my weight loss but he has not lost weight and is not trying to and I am perfectly fine with that. I loved him before he gained weight and after he gained weight so why should his weight matter now that I have have chosen to lose weight?

I know this is a very different scenairo but if he decided he wanted to join a motorcycle club does that mean I have to do it too even though I have no interest in that??? I don't think so, it is the same thing with weight loss, you can expect that just because you want to do it your partner should follow.

There all done, thanks for listening to my rant LOL!

^^ This!!!

rhinesb

IFor me that wouldn't be a reason to leave, I'm doing this for myself because it's what I need to do.
So if the bf wants to sit on the couch eating m & m's while I'm trying to get healthy that's his choice and not a valid reason to me to replace him with someone that might fit my new life style better now.

Him not being capable of replacing an empty toilet paper roll with a full one after almost 20 yrs. now that there is almost reason enough to replace him...

I love this...made my day:laugh:

yes haahaaahaa! OMG! I have to agree here.

edge_dragoncaller

if you are thinking of doing that(but will not admit it) you are a selfish je**! and she doesnt DESERVE a loser like that! (seems like all those years she spent with you, were a waste in her life!

Just a thought.

No...more of a suggestion...

You may want to read more in a topic before you go all "Harsh and Hateful"



ETA : why I say that...

It looks like no one read my follow up post on the first page. I'll paste it below...

"This is just hypothetical...I'm not in a relationship. But I am sure people have been in this position before.

I'm not Mr. Fitness by any means, but I keep myself in decent shape. That's just part of who I am and what I care about. I wouldn't marry someone who doesn't feel the same way.

That being said....I feel that it wouldn't boil down to the physical aspect as much as the lifestyle change (changing what you value as a person)."

estrange22

Watch House of Cards episode 3.

HallerFitness

I would not leave. I'm not sure if you're married or just dating. That's a different story. I think when you say "I do" you say I DO to who that person is at that time. If you love them then and want to be with them at that point, that is what you committed to.

My husband doesn't workout much. He's a smoker too. I hate it. But at the end of the day, the truth is: his body, his choice. I saw a therapist for a long time mostly because I wanted help changing him. She actually laughed at me, and I appreciated it.

***What I needed help with was accepting him for who he is. That's the hardest part of any relationship.***