Losing Weight While Your Partner Doesn't

tallulahthunderbird

Absolutely not. First and foremost, my husband is skinny, so I don't really have this issue. Secondly, I love HIM, so that comes first.

gdortiz

Ok.. Here is my opinion. If you are changing your life, but your partner is content in theirs. Then you have to decide if you love them as they are. I personally like to be challenged, but can't accept someone who does not support me. However, if you are not attracted to them anymore, and you have had a serious heart to heart. I would go. People do grow apart. That is what happened to me. I am active, and my ex was not. He did not want to do anything but his old stuff. Made us fall out of love. Hope this helps.

plain good old advice. people, especially women, hang on waaaaaaay too long and take waaaay too much crap.

Wuggums

So much depends on the relationship itself and the securities (or insecurities) of those involved. I'm in this situation right now. My partner and I have been together for almost 20 years. I'm thankful that he stuck by me when I gained all the weight I did; but when the lightbulb finally turned on and I made the decision to get healthy again, things got very difficult. In recent years, as I've lost weight and gained confidence, he's done just the opposite. Now on a daily basis, I hear about how he thinks I'll leave him for someone new, constant accusations that I'm cheating on him, and complaints that I workout too much and don't spend enough time with him (which equates to sitting on the couch and watching tv). The other day, he told me that I was the one who changed in this relationship, not him, so it's my fault that we're not as close as we used to me. Yesterday, he told me that we wouldn't be in this situation if I wouldn't have gotten fat in the first place. Even though (I think) I look better than I did when we met, we've become nothing more than roommates because we don't have much in common anymore, he doesn't want to *do* anything with me, I don't want to sit around and watch tv, and he's not physically interested in me anymore. Will I let it impact how I choose to live my life? No - I seek out happiness. And if that means doing it without him, I'm okay with that. Will I leave him? That's a really hard thing to do after 20 years. But maybe...if things got bad enough and I get enough courage. But it wouldn't be because he doesn't share the same healthy lifestyle as I do. It would be because I finally get fed up with the emotional neglect.

bcattoes

Ok.. Here is my opinion. If you are changing your life, but your partner is content in theirs. Then you have to decide if you love them as they are. I personally like to be challenged, but can't accept someone who does not support me. However, if you are not attracted to them anymore, and you have had a serious heart to heart. I would go. People do grow apart. That is what happened to me. I am active, and my ex was not. He did not want to do anything but his old stuff. Made us fall out of love. Hope this helps.

plain good old advice. people, especially women, hang on waaaaaaay too long and take waaaay too much crap.

I think you've strayed off the subject into some other issues, perhaps based on personal history. Because I can't imagine how one person getting fit while the other does not equates to "taking crap"??

gdortiz

So much depends on the relationship itself and the securities (or insecurities) of those involved.

Wow that is tough. Sorry to hear. Sounds pretty twisted though and you are seeing the BS which is good. How in the world could this guy not have anything but pride and admiration for you. Sounds like he has some issues, especially with confidence/self esteem.

gdortiz

Ok.. Here is my opinion. If you are changing your life, but your partner is content in theirs. Then you have to decide if you love them as they are. I personally like to be challenged, but can't accept someone who does not support me. However, if you are not attracted to them anymore, and you have had a serious heart to heart. I would go. People do grow apart. That is what happened to me. I am active, and my ex was not. He did not want to do anything but his old stuff. Made us fall out of love. Hope this helps.

plain good old advice. people, especially women, hang on waaaaaaay too long and take waaaay too much crap.

I think you've strayed off the subject into some other issues, perhaps based on personal history. Because I can't imagine how does one person getting fit while the other does not equates to "taking crap"??

read the post above from Wuggums, sums up my thoughts and answers your question pretty well with what I mean about "taking crap."

rhinesb

So much depends on the relationship itself and the securities (or insecurities) of those involved. I'm in this situation right now. My partner and I have been together for almost 20 years. I'm thankful that he stuck by me when I gained all the weight I did; but when the lightbulb finally turned on and I made the decision to get healthy again, things got very difficult. In recent years, as I've lost weight and gained confidence, he's done just the opposite. Now on a daily basis, I hear about how he thinks I'll leave him for someone new, constant accusations that I'm cheating on him, and complaints that I workout too much and don't spend enough time with him (which equates to sitting on the couch and watching tv). The other day, he told me that I was the one who changed in this relationship, not him, so it's my fault that we're not as close as we used to me. Yesterday, he told me that we wouldn't be in this situation if I wouldn't have gotten fat in the first place. Even though (I think) I look better than I did when we met, we've become nothing more than roommates because we don't have much in common anymore, he doesn't want to *do* anything with me, I don't want to sit around and watch tv, and he's not physically interested in me anymore. Will I let it impact how I choose to live my life? No - I seek out happiness. And if that means doing it without him, I'm okay with that. Will I leave him? That's a really hard thing to do after 20 years. But maybe...if things got bad enough and I get enough courage. But it wouldn't be because he doesn't share the same healthy lifestyle as I do. It would be because I finally get fed up with the emotional neglect.

Another good reason to leave. But notice that there is more here than just weight. He's emotionally abusive.

med2017

depends how stubborn they are and ignorant that the food they eat is okay for them or that lack of fitness is also no problem.

Jess102979

I'm in the same situation. Its really frustrating and sometimes I get really disgusted with what he eats and how much he eats. He also complains about how hes uncomfortable. Hes also about 300lbs. Theres no easy fix to this. All you can do it hope that they will eventually follow with your positive eating and life style change. If you really love the person, you will hope for the best and work through it. You cant force them to do anything they aren't ready for. Maybe just keep encouraging. Best of luck.

bcattoes

Ok.. Here is my opinion. If you are changing your life, but your partner is content in theirs. Then you have to decide if you love them as they are. I personally like to be challenged, but can't accept someone who does not support me. However, if you are not attracted to them anymore, and you have had a serious heart to heart. I would go. People do grow apart. That is what happened to me. I am active, and my ex was not. He did not want to do anything but his old stuff. Made us fall out of love. Hope this helps.

plain good old advice. people, especially women, hang on waaaaaaay too long and take waaaay too much crap.

I think you've strayed off the subject into some other issues, perhaps based on personal history. Because I can't imagine how does one person getting fit while the other does not equates to "taking crap"??

read the post above from Wuggums, sums up my thoughts and answers your question pretty well with what I mean about "taking crap."

I guess we have different definitions of crap. I wouldn't consider growing apart as taking crap, either.

ashlinmarie

That is rather shallow....just because you are ready to make those changes, doesn't mean they have to be. Maybe he/she is happy the way they are. Sure, you can give nudges, but pushing them will only make them resent you. If nothing else is wrong in the relationship there is no need to end it. Who knows, perhaps you will motivate your partner and one day out of nowhere he/she will start making those changes themselves.

chellec23

If this is something that is making you question whether you love her enough to be with her long-term, then clearly you're not committed to the relationship. If she is happy with herself and you feel the need to change her, there is a big problem. Personally, I think it's kind of shallow, but if that's how you are thinking and feeling, then you need to do something about it. Think it through really well, then have an open, honest conversation with her. Tell her your thoughts and feelings, but make sure not to be all accusatory about it. Don't do the "You need to change" thing, because that will make more problems.

barb1241

Is he rich????

Seriously, though. I have been married 33 years. My husband has generally been fitter than I have, but our weights and levels of fitness have varied over such a long time. Until these last 3 years. Now, I would stay on my plan regardless. He eats differently than I do except for dinner and our nightly snack. And he eats crap and garbage at work. I cook dinner and he makes my snack. We pretty much agree what to have and I am really good at making it taste like un-diet food. I am not as fit as he is, but for the first time in a long time-I am thinner.

He isn't a big guy by any means, and he has lost a few pounds. Not as much as I have. Neither of us is at goal weight. but MY goal is exactly that. And the same for him. HIS goal is HIS. I am not his mommy. He is not my daddy.

I think he would have to be really HUGE and slovenly for me to change my opinion of him to the negative, but we have been together for a really long time. And neither of us is a hottie.

If it was a shorter (much shorter) relationship, then I might have concerns about whether the person would be a good life partner if they didn't care about themselves at all-but I would be equally concerned about a self-involved attention *kitten* too.

I like middle of the road, I guess, LOL!

2FatToRun

My old man is a truck driver and I am fat now because I didn't exercise for the past 6 yrs that I rode by his side in that truck. Now I am staying home and I am changing my lifestyle back to how it was before. However he is not and will probably cont to get fatter and fatter. He is worried I will get thin and leave him but I know I wont. 6 months is not long term enough to be worried about staying or leaving. You have in fact saved your whole life by making this change and need to find someone that shares the same lifestyle you live and want to maintain. I wont leave my old man because we are 7 yrs in and I truly love him for everything he is and we started out together thin with the same lifestyles. He is my best friend. Others may call you selfish but I think you would be wise not selfish to start a life with someone who has the same interests and goals that way as the years go bye most things that would be an issue like this very subject will not ever even exist. You really should know who you are through and through before you decide to commit to another human being in a long term relationship. If you dont it never ends well.

Icedrgn

If you're unattracted to him, and he doesn't want to change, and there are no kids involved then tell him you've changed and want to be with someone that has more in common with you. Looks dont even play into it so dont take any grief from that angle. It'll be hard but it will be for the better.

ItsCasey

Would you bail if your partner had cancer? Or some other sickness or illness? I don't know if you are married or not, but I am, and I married my man in sickness and in health, for better or worse, til death do us part. That encompases all the wonderful parts of our marriage, and the less than stellar parts of our marriage. I can bet you there are things your partner does not like about you, but LOVE overlooks a lot of fault!

We're not talking about contracting an illness or something you have no control over. We're also not talking solely about looks. We're talking about someone making a conscious decision to not even try to adopt a healthier lifestyle. That is every bit as much an internal thing as it is an external thing.

The OP also was not necessarily talking about breaking marriage vows. He said "in a relationship."

I don't understand why people are expected to stay in a relationship with someone who makes very different lifestyle choices, just because they were more compatible at some point in the past. People grow and change. If your boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't grow with you, then isn't it more fair to BOTH of you for you to go your separate ways so you can find people whose goals and values are more in line with your own?

To say it's selfish to break up with someone because their lifestyle is no longer compatible with yours is ridiculous. If I was dating a guy and we were getting drunk every night and then I decided I didn't want to get drunk every night anymore because, hey, I'm an adult and I have a job I'd like to keep, but my boyfriend wants to keep doing it on his own, am I selfish for breaking up with him because his lifestyle doesn't really work with mine anymore? No. It's called changing. We're like humans that way.

Zelinna

Honest question. Say you have been in a relationship for a few years with somebody, and you decide to lose weight / change your lifestyle. 6 months down the road and you're in great shape while your partner has stayed the same (maintained the same lifestyle). You have tried to motivate your partner to better themselves physically but they don't want to change anything. You now don't see your partner in the same way physically, and think it's unfair that you care about how you look but they don't care about it.

Would you leave your partner?

No. I started MY journey last June, when my husband had a hip replacement. I have a much healthier lifestyle, as well as have dropped weight. My husband gained about 20 pounds while dealing with his hip issues limiting his active lifestyle. As I have dropped lbs and gotten in better shape, he has sat by with a bag of chips (or whatever) complaining about his gut. I didn't marry him for his gut, nor did I care that he put on the weight. I care about his lack of satisfaction in his life. I continued with my healthier habits, that I am developing for me, with obvious benefits for him.

As I hit the dreadmill the last 6 weeks, he started coming downstairs. Then he started with his weights, and bike. He is slowly working on the eating. I am happy he is starting to feel better.

Thru all of this, I decided to change, I didn't try to change him. He had to make that decision. I didn't need to have a conversation about how his lack of desire to change was affecting me, bc it wasn't, other than his complaints and not doing anything. It sounds as if you need to have a serious, compassionate, honest discussion about your feelings.

My husband felt I was leaving him behind, and in a sense pouted until he was ready to make changes for him, which in turn combined with my changes are improving our life together and with our 3 children.

My husband and I started working out together about a year ago and then we both fell off the wagon. When I started again in August, it took him almost 6 months to start to join me again. It didn't bother me that he wasn't joining me, because he had lost around 70 lbs before and I knew when he was ready he would do it again.

Right when he started up again he fell skating and broke his ankle and tore the tendons. He was stuck on the couch for almost 2 months and has been only able to start walking again within the last two weeks. I know it was hard for him to see me getting smaller when he was was stuck on the couch, but I think it also will motivate him to work that much harder when he is able to.

sportzmom23

[Quote/]We're not talking about contracting an illness or something you have no control over. We're also not talking solely about looks. We're talking about someone making a conscious decision to not even try to adopt a healthier lifestyle. That is every bit as much an internal thing as it is an external thing.

The OP also was not necessarily talking about breaking marriage vows. He said "in a relationship."

I don't understand why people are expected to stay in a relationship with someone who makes very different lifestyle choices, just because they were more compatible at some point in the past. People grow and change. If your boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't grow with you, then isn't it more fair to BOTH of you for you to go your separate ways so you can find people whose goals and values are more in line with your own?

To say it's selfish to break up with someone because their lifestyle is no longer compatible with yours is ridiculous. If I was dating a guy and we were getting drunk every night and then I decided I didn't want to get drunk every night anymore because, hey, I'm an adult and I have a job I'd like to keep, but my boyfriend wants to keep doing it on his own, am I selfish for breaking up with him because his lifestyle doesn't really work with mine anymore? No. It's called changing. We're like humans that way.
[/quote]

OP asked what I would do as the reader of his post. I gave my opinion, you give yours.

My opinion, based on my 17 year relationship, with three kids, a house, two dogs etc; no I wouldn't leave. Based on my short term relationships, no other 'entanglements' yes, because I was not as invested.. When I committed to my relationship, I committed to working on the relationship, working through differences. Nothing to do with the definition of the relationship, marraige, engagement, boyfriend, etc.

JMHO

tracywaz

Wish there was a "like" button here! So many good posts!

Our 10 year wedding anniversary is in May. I knew going into this that I married my polar opposite. I'm outgoing, he's reserved. I'm impulsive, he's safe. I like art, he likes sports. The one thing we have in common is that we both got pretty fat together. Usually, we diet together by proxy because he respects my desire to lead a healthier lifestyle, so he'll eat the same foods. BUT, I have one serving, he has 3.

I've been on a really good program for 3 months now and he wants to join, but due to his work schedule, it's difficult. With him, it's a lot of "when I get started." What bothers me is that he knows there are other options out there- we could buy P90X or a similar program, a personal trainer lives 2 houses down, he could do SOMETHING. I'm excited that he wants to join the fitness group I'm a part of, but in the meantime, there's nothing wrong with starting slowly. He's made comments that he wants to get really fat before starting so that he really sees results. Insert eye roll here!

Yes, it drives me bonkers. But I won't leave him. I know he's paranoid I will- he's even asked me a couple of times. Like others have said, he's a great father, he allows me to be who I am and we have a good time together. No way I'm walking away and starting over. I've had a lot of friends who have lost a lot of weight, got new boobs or other surgery and left because they suddenly had more confidence. But in those cases, I think there were problems in the relationship to begin with.

fara180

i've normally dated people who were either in better shape than me or on the same level as far as our lifestyle. i don't think it would bother me if they weren't though, unless their unhealthy choices and habits were causing health risks to them or stifling my own growth as a person. example: they are constantly snacking in front of me knowing i'm dieting, they are morbidly obese and at risk of getting diabetes, etc.

i feel like i'm on the opposite side of the spectrum currently, i'm dating a really great guy who is literally like a fitness god/guru. he's in the military and has muscle for miles and he loves going to the gym. he's super dedicated and while i love that about him, i sometimes feel like i'm "the fat one," in the relationship. i know it sounds petty, especially since he adores me and my body but still. however, this has been a motivator for me to kick start my weight loss as well so it's not all bad