Is it rude not to cater for allergies/special diets?

kimberly728

I see it this way... you invite me to a wedding and reception- which means i need to give you a gift correct? i mean ive never walked into a reception and not given some type of gift. and you are paying for me to be there whether i eat the food or not... in my honest opinion i feel you should at least have things there i can eat. it would be tacky for me to walk in with my own dinner, and it would be uncomfortable for everyone else to be eating around me while im hungry because i can not eat what you had served. someone with a nut allergy wouldnt even be able to eat anything if dinner was served to them and one item on the plate had nuts on it. cross contamination would still cause that person to have a reaction. and if you speak to the catering company, they will usually make a special plate/dish for no extra cost for an attendee with an allergy or special need.

smaihlee

I don't know if it's an American thing or more global, but our society has become much more accustomed to having our every little specific need met without argument. That's not to say people with true allergies are being jerks (though I have met many that are). I don't know if we have a higher percentage of people these days with food intolerances/aversions/allergies/etc., or if these people are just more vocal about their intolerances/aversions/allergies/etc. Back in the day, if you didn't like or couldn't eat something you just shut up, thanked your host for a lovely evening, and moved on.

Part of me says that the answer to this specific question is, "it depends". Depends on the size of the wedding and extent of the food you are serving. For example, if you're encouraging people to stay at your reception for a while via a formal/sit-down meal or a huge buffet with booze, music, etc., I would say you should do more to ensure special needs are met. If it's a small affair with punch and tiny sandwiches in the reception hall of your church, I don't think there's as much of an expectation that you go out of your way to make special food.

Honestly, though, food is only one part of the wedding equation and if you really wanted to get picky you could find many other ways to offend than food. What if you don't know your great Aunt Mildred hates the way Lily of the Valley smells, and you've got swaths of it all over the church pews? I would like to think that if you do cater to special needs then those guests will appreciate your effort. However, as others have said, it's your wedding and you get to call the shots. If someone really loves you and wants to share your day with you, they will make sure their own dietary (or botanical, lol) needs are met for that one occasion.

Personally, when I got married 17 years ago this was not even a blip on my radar. I had a large evening wedding with a heavy buffet, booze, and music. When planning the menu, I was more focused on making sure I had a wide variety of foods that could be enjoyed by most. As someone who has no food allergies and never met a food I didn't like, I'm not as in tune with this and therefore don't have the mindset of the person who has to deal with this day in and out.

stxfuneral

Regardless, there will always be someone who is offended, and there will always be something someone doesn't like to eat. You can't please everyone, so let them know what is on the menu in advance, if they don't like it, oh well. They aren't the ones who are paying for it. Missing out on one meal never hurt anyone.

CM9178

One of my favourite bloggers is engaged, and writing a lot of guest posts on wedding dilemmas. On one of her recent posts, she included the line "you don't have to cater for every allergy/diet".

I really disagree with this. I think it would be incredibly rude to invite a celiac, vegan, vegetarian, person with a nut-allergy, etc, to your wedding, with the proviso that you'll be serving edible food to everyone except them.:/

We did discuss this a little, and it turns out that I was picturing a scenario where you knew about the allergy/diet in advance, while she was picturing a scenario where you only found out late in the day. However, she did still say that she wouldn't feel the need to cater for one lone vegan, who would be "used to fending for themselves".

Having been that one lone vegan, I would be quite hurt if someone whom I liked enough to attend their wedding fed everyone but me.:(

I'd love to hear some other thoughts on this. I'm aware that I'm heavily biased due to the vegan thing. Plus, I've never organised a wedding.

Where should the line be drawn? Allergies, like celiac disease or nut allergies? Choices like veganism or vegetarianism? Special diets like atkins or the cabbage soup diet?

I can sort of see both sides of this argument. I personally think it is rude to EXPECT everyone to cater to your own food allergy or diet choice - ESPECIALLY if it is a choice. For example, if you are a vegan or a vegetarian because you choose to be- then I think it is rude to expect people to cater to that. It is the same as me expecting people to offer weight watchers friendly food at their wedding, just because I am following Weight Watchers. If you have celiac for example, obviously that isn't a choice - however - I wouldn't expect people to cater to it either. There are so many food allergies and conditions out there now it would be virtually impossible to cater to every one of them at your wedding.

However, if you know ahead of time that a specific person that is coming to your wedding has a gluten allergy for example, then yes, I can understand providing foods that they can eat. If you don't know ahead of time - then I don't think you are obligated in any way to provide special options for them - because it would be impossible to provide something for EVERY possible condition or allergy. As for the vegetarians/vegans/diets by choice - whether you know ahead of time or not - I don't think you are obligated whatsoever to provide vegetarian or vegan options for them.

So to sum up, yes it does depend on certain circumstances, but I think overall - you aren't obligated to do this and people should not expect anybody to cater to their dietary needs - wedding or otherwise.

*edit* just wanted to add - the only possible way to provide something that EVERYBODY can eat would be to ask people when they RSVP to tell you what their allergies or dietary restrictions are - and then provide accordingly - which I think is absolutely ridiculous. Yeah, the wedding I"m going to this year - I will tell my cousin that I'm on Weight Watchers and that she better provide foods I can eat, or I'm not coming.

Laura42012

If you KNOW that a guest you have invited has a food allergy then I think you should accommodate that especially if it's an allergy that can kill them like a nut allergy. There are people who can go into anaphylaxic shock just by being near a nut. I worked with a woman who had a very severe nut allergy and whenever I made baked goods and brought them in I made sure that not only did I NOT use any nuts but I skipped any recipe that had nut extracts in it. Also I have never been to a wedding where they didn't offer a vegetarian dish.

I have one of those allergies where I react to even a trace of it. I special order some food online that I like b/c I know it's made in a nut free facility.

Laura42012

. someone with a nut allergy wouldnt even be able to eat anything if dinner was served to them and one item on the plate had nuts on it. cross contamination would still cause that person to have a reaction. and if you speak to the catering company, they will usually make a special plate/dish for no extra cost for an attendee with an allergy or special need.

Cross contamination is key.

1shauna1

Every wedding I've been to has a vegetarian option. Not sure about vegan but probably you could let the bride know. Other food sensitivities, I'm not sure; it would definitely make things difficult.

jessicae1aine

I have allergies to things. LOTS of allergies to things, including foods. I would never consider it rude to not cater to my needs. As a matter of fact, with them being MY allergies, I believe it's MY responsibility to ask what is being served, how it's been prepared, etc, and eat what I can eat or make other arrangements. Just because we have various dietary needs doesn't mean we're special little snowflakes.

That being said, I also don't think it's unreasonable to expect the "lone vegan" to "fend for themselves" - because it's not like when you choose 'chicken or fish' they're telling you that's all that will be served.

My honest, probably unpopular opinion? People need to get over themselves and quit expecting to be babied, catered to, and treated like they're special compared to everyone else.

SoDamnHungry

I don't think it's necessary to cater to people with special diets. I would, at the very least, have a vegetarian dish available, though. Most weddings, if served family style, will have salad and a pasta dish. If it was one where you pick your own entree, I would make a vegetarian dish available. It's considerate and good manners, but I don't think it has to be done.

CM9178

I have allergies to things. LOTS of allergies to things, including foods. I would never consider it rude to not cater to my needs. As a matter of fact, with them being MY allergies, I believe it's MY responsibility to ask what is being served, how it's been prepared, etc, and eat what I can eat or make other arrangements. Just because we have various dietary needs doesn't mean we're special little snowflakes.

That being said, I also don't think it's unreasonable to expect the "lone vegan" to "fend for themselves" - because it's not like when you choose 'chicken or fish' they're telling you that's all that will be served.

My honest, probably unpopular opinion? People need to get over themselves and quit expecting to be babied, catered to, and treated like they're special compared to everyone else.

I couldn't agree with you more. Our society has become a group of big babies that need to get over themselves.

Cr01502

I think that if you're vegan/paleo/evegtarian you should make sure everyone around you is vegan/paleo/vegetarian as well.

I think that you should constantly discuss the health benefits of your diet until everyone around has converted just to shut you up.

jessicae1aine

It seems to me that its become the fashion to have allergies!

I didn't know one person with a allergy when I was a kid!!

Ps. I know some of you won't like this comment but its my opinion!

Yes!!! Thank you I'm glad someone finally came out and said it. Having (fake) wheat / gluten / peanut allergies is all the rage these days.

This is so, so true. Having actually HAD allergies for most of my life (and almost dying from a couple of them!), I just roll my eyes at people having "fake" health issues.

CM9178

It seems to me that its become the fashion to have allergies!

I didn't know one person with a allergy when I was a kid!!

Ps. I know some of you won't like this comment but its my opinion!

Yes!!! Thank you I'm glad someone finally came out and said it. Having (fake) wheat / gluten / peanut allergies is all the rage these days.

This is so, so true. Having actually HAD allergies for most of my life (and almost dying from a couple of them!), I just roll my eyes at people having "fake" health issues.

haha, I know someone who had a fake allergy for awhile too. I agree, when I was a kid I didn't know one person with an allergy in my class. Nowadays, every kid has some kind of allergy - just like every kid has ADD.

PBsMommy

Sorry, but whenever I've been over to a vegan/vegetarian's house to eat dinner, I wasn't offered a steak (or any other meat, for that matter).

This is always such an interesting assumption. I'm not sure why meat-eaters think they're not catered for when they're served perfectly edible food that doesn't contain specific ingredients they like, or why they think it's comparable to serving food containing ingredients that other people can't eat.

Yeah I don't like this arguement either.
A vegetarian won't serve you meat products because they dont agree with the slaughter of animals for human consumption, so to buy meat and serve it to you is going against their beliefs. If they serve it to you, they may as well eat it themselves.

However if you decide to not prepare a meal for a vegetarian, it's not because you're against killing a vegetable for them. It's because you are disrespectful.

Belief can be thrown around anyway you want. The meat eater could argue that they believe that the animals were put here for them to slaughter and eat. Whose belief is right? Who wins? Not saying I support either side, just saying. I think this argument could be solved as whoever is the host is GIVING you food. Either except or decline it, don't whine about it. I was raised it is highly disrespectful to be ungrateful for what is being GIVEN to you, food included.

I have been on both sides of the fence really. I was a veggie for 5 years when I was in my teens. I finally decided that my long lost love for eating meat won and went back to eating meat. When I was a vegan, I never, EVER expected anyone to only cook vegan meals for me when I was invited to an event or went over for dinner. If I went to an event I would only eat the things that were veggie, I didn't throw a hissy fit of how unfair and disrespectful the host was because she didn't do things my way.

I didn't even ask the guest that came to my reception if they had and dietary/allergy needs. I did list everything that would be at the reception, so anyone could plan accordingly. I was my day, my rules and I already had to much stress worrying about other things then catering to everyone elses' needs.

The only exception I could see, is if the majority of your guest are going to be veggie/vegan, then of course I would had offered two different meals.

sheldonz42

A lot of these posts define looking a gift horse in the mouth.

Icelandic_Saga

When I go to someone's gathering, wedding or not, I eat what is put in front of me or if I cannot eat it, gracefully decline without anyone noticing. I personally like to cater to everyone's needs if i can as a hostess but find it extremely rude as a guest to ever let my host catch wind that I dislike something they have prepared for me.

CM9178

Sorry, but whenever I've been over to a vegan/vegetarian's house to eat dinner, I wasn't offered a steak (or any other meat, for that matter).

This is always such an interesting assumption. I'm not sure why meat-eaters think they're not catered for when they're served perfectly edible food that doesn't contain specific ingredients they like, or why they think it's comparable to serving food containing ingredients that other people can't eat.

Yeah I don't like this arguement either.
A vegetarian won't serve you meat products because they dont agree with the slaughter of animals for human consumption, so to buy meat and serve it to you is going against their beliefs. If they serve it to you, they may as well eat it themselves.

However if you decide to not prepare a meal for a vegetarian, it's not because you're against killing a vegetable for them. It's because you are disrespectful.

Belief can be thrown around anyway you want. The meat eater could argue that they believe that the animals were put here for them to slaughter and eat. Whose belief is right? Who wins? Not saying I support either side, just saying.

I have been on both sides of the fence really. I was a veggie for 5 years when I was in my teens. I finally decided that my long lost love for eating meat won and went back to eating meat. When I was a vegan, I never, EVER expected anyone to only cook vegan meals for me when I was invited to an event or went over for dinner. If I went to an event I would only eat the things that were veggie, I didn't throw a hissy fit of how unfair and disrespectful the host was because she didn't do things my way.

I didn't even ask the guest that came to my reception if they had and dietary/allergy needs. I did list everything that would be at the reception, so anyone could plan accordingly. I was my day, my rules and I already had to much stress worrying about other things then catering to everyone elses' needs.

The only exception I could see, is if the majority of your guest are going to be veggie/vegan, then of course I would had offered two different meals.

I agree - and not everybody is a vegetarian because of that belief - some people just choose not to eat meat because they don't want to. I have plenty of vegetarian friends who are like that - and they always serve meat at their house for the meat eaters.
I can however, understand not serving the meat in your home if you don't believe in it - it is your home -and your choice - just like it is your wedding and your choice. You don't have to cater to anyone. And if I went to a vegan's home and they didn't serve me meat, I wouldn't be offended. They can serve whatever they want. If I don't like it or don't want to eat it, that is MY problem, not theirs.

3dogsrunning

I guess I'm in the minority here as I don't prescribe to the childish "It's MY wedding! I'll do what I want and who cares about everyone else!" Seriously. I can picture the bride stamping her foot and crying. But that's just me.

If you KNOW that a guest you have invited has a food allergy then I think you should accommodate that especially if it's an allergy that can kill them like a nut allergy. There are people who can go into anaphylaxic shock just by being near a nut. I worked with a woman who had a very severe nut allergy and whenever I made baked goods and brought them in I made sure that not only did I NOT use any nuts but I skipped any recipe that had nut extracts in it. Also I have never been to a wedding where they didn't offer a vegetarian dish.

If someone has celiacs then they can ask the venue how the food is prepared and possibly tell them ahead of time that they have an issue with gluten and need things prepared a certain way. If they can't accommodate that then I think it would be acceptable for them to bring their own food.

Yes!!

It stops being all about you when you invite people. You are hosting people. The reception is intended to be a thank you to your guests for coming. Just because you are getting married does not mean you get to throw common curtesy out the window.

As for the comments about vegetarians and meat being perfectly edible - actually introducing meat back into your diet after not having it for awhile has some seriously unpleasant side effects. It's not exactly perfectly edible initially.

workaholic_nurse

It seems to me that its become the fashion to have allergies!

I didn't know one person with a allergy when I was a kid!!

Ps. I know some of you won't like this comment but its my opinion!

It's not that I don't like your comment, but that your post is so uninformed. Fashion, really?!? As an asthma and allergy nurse I will tell you firsthand that it is anything but fashion to have a food allergy. The numbers and types of food allergies have been on the rise for years. There is barely a day that goes by when a patient is not diagnosed in the clinic that I work in with a food allergy. That is just one clinic out of the 19 in our practice. Imagine 19 children a day diagnosed with(we'll go with the most common allergen here) peanut allergy. Check out the website www.foodallergy.org for a fairly up-to-date listing of what peanut is listed as in ingredient lists. I say up-to-date because there are constantly new ways of listing items in ingredient lists and it is tough to keep up with some of them.

Now as that child you can never have anything that contains peanuts or tree nuts(hazelnut, walnut, pecan etc.) because they are most often processed on shared equipment. Your allergic responsed can range from the mild itchiness around the mouth, nse and eyes to a full blown anaphylactic reaction with dizziness, vomiting, shortness of breath. All of these symptoms pale in comparison to what could ultimately result from that one little exposure to a peanut or cross-contaminated product and that is death.

Now I want you to find the parent of a food allergic child and tell them that food allergies are fashionable. Better yet there were 2 deaths last year in the Atlanta area resulting from exposure to a food allergen. In both cases the children(teenagers) were very careful about what went in there bodies, but as they had not had reactions or even scares in years they did not have an epipen on them. In one case the 13 y/o ingested a cookie that had an ingredient called soy lecithin flour, in the other the food was prepared on the same line with peanuts and the exposure was from bits of peanuts that contaminated the food he(a 17 y/o) was eating. Fashion has nothing to do with food allergies.

saxmaniac

It's pretty simple if you know combinatoric math.

Take the basics: gluten, lactose, nut.
Then add in the lifestyle: paleo, vegan, vegetarian, and maybe lactovopescatarian.

That's 7 combinations that should cover all the bases. To be sure, you might have lactose-intolerant vegan, or maybe gluten-intolerant vegetarian, so, to be safe, you can't just make 7 meals. A bit of wheat in that veggie burger and you're all done!

Now, and it's been a long time since I was in discrete math, but IIRC the number of unordered unique combinations of R choices from a list of N is = n!/r!(n-r)!

With a fairly conservative estimate of that a person can only be, say 3 at the same time, that's 7! / 3!(7-3)! combinations.

Now 7! is about 5000, but that's ordered, and I don't want to do all the math, but it does give us an upper bound to work with, so it should be no more than a few hundred separate dishes at worst.