Can you forgive a cheater?

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Replies

  • cosmic8o8
    cosmic8o8 Posts: 131 Member
    I'll forgive them enough to overcome the pain of the betrayal, but I'll never forget and I'll never date them again. It doesn't matter if they were drunk or not.
  • solarpower4
    solarpower4 Posts: 250 Member
    I think anyone can say whatever they want. But once you're faced with the situation, it might be a completely different story. Kids, length of time together, history, all play a part. ...[...] ...I can't give an across the board answer for this.

    ^^ This ^^ Forgiveness may be granted, but forgetting doesn't happen.
    Also, condoms (if one was even used!) do NOT protect against HIV, herpes, HPV, warts and various other sexually transmitted infections that can be passed on to your partner (and then to you) from just one single encounter. And you'll have those for life and could pass them on to your baby/babies.

    I don't personally know anyone whose relationship was stronger after an affair, but I know plenty of couples who, after cheating was uncovered, stayed married (not so happily) until the kids graduated high school. I've known plenty of teens and now-adult children who complained that their parents should have gotten divorced years earlier.

    If no kids are involved, I would leave. I don't want my health (physical or mental) jeopardized plus trust is crucial for a good happy relationship. Kids involved? Well, It's a difficult thing to figure out the best solution to a heart-breaking problem.
  • 111orBust
    111orBust Posts: 41
    Nope. In my case I broke up with him, stayed in touch until he paid me back the money he owed me and then deleted his number.

    Also no, being drunk doesn't give them a pass. I've been drunk out of my skull on MANY an occasion but I've always managed to keep my panties on. What's his excuse?
  • Silver_Star
    Silver_Star Posts: 1,351 Member
    i could forgive...after that..it would depend on the attitude/actions of the person...for time it would take for me to trust him again. We all sin differently.
  • harribeau2012
    harribeau2012 Posts: 644 Member
    I informed my husband a long time ago that if he had a...A....one night stand (got drunk at a work do, that sort of thing) I don't want him to confess all to me (to assuage guilt) as it would ruin my trust in him...he just had to live with that..I also informed him that if I had good reason to question his fidelity and he lied (and I found out) I would go for his most precious things (at that point obviously not me) in a big and nasty way. :flowerforyou: 18 yr anniversary this year
  • harribeau2012
    harribeau2012 Posts: 644 Member
    I informed my husband a long time ago that if he had a...A....one night stand (got drunk at a work do, that sort of thing) I don't want him to confess all to me (to assuage guilt) as it would ruin my trust in him...he just had to live with that..I also informed him that if I had good reason to question his fidelity and he lied (and I found out) I would go for his most precious things (at that point obviously not me) in a big and nasty way. :flowerforyou: 18 yr anniversary this year


    probably no - sorry got carried away and didn't answer the question!!
  • _AllieCat_
    _AllieCat_ Posts: 515 Member
    I think a lot of these responses on here are confusing forgiveness with saying the act was okay. Forgiveness only means you have chosen to let go. It has nothing to do with saying cheating is okay, OR being a doormat. It takes extreme strength in character to forgive.

    Also, it depends on the type of cheating. Was it once and the SO immediately stopped and is proving that they made a mistake? Or did the SO have a full-blown emotional and physical affair and isn't changing their behavior? Every situation and relationship is extremely different and no one answer is correct.

    I'm not going to get into much personal information on here, however, it is possible for a one-time mistake to pull a relationship back together IF the one who cheated is extremely patient, willing to do anything to prove their trustworthiness to their partner since the incident, if the cheater comes clean about EVERYTHING (no more lies whatsoever), and if the bond is strong enough between those in the relationship. It's difficult, but is entirely possible. Multiple acts of cheating? Now that's an entirely different game.

    Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
  • stephaniemejia1671
    stephaniemejia1671 Posts: 482 Member
    No. What's the point of continuing with the relationship when the trust and respect is no longer there? I am worth more than being with a person who would do such a thing.
  • InnerConflict
    InnerConflict Posts: 1,592 Member
    I think a lot of these responses on here are confusing forgiveness with saying the act was okay. Forgiveness only means you have chosen to let go. It has nothing to do with saying cheating is okay, OR being a doormat. It takes extreme strength in character to forgive.

    Also, it depends on the type of cheating. Was it once and the SO immediately stopped and is proving that they made a mistake? Or did the SO have a full-blown emotional and physical affair and isn't changing their behavior? Every situation and relationship is extremely different and no one answer is correct.

    I'm not going to get into much personal information on here, however, it is possible for a one-time mistake to pull a relationship back together IF the one who cheated is extremely patient, willing to do anything to prove their trustworthiness to their partner since the incident, if the cheater comes clean about EVERYTHING (no more lies whatsoever), and if the bond is strong enough between those in the relationship. It's difficult, but is entirely possible. Multiple acts of cheating? Now that's an entirely different game.

    Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

    First let me start by saying I completely agree with you. Some of these responses are just idiotic.

    Second, if he does do it again, look me up. You are HOT!!!! :love:
  • _AllieCat_
    _AllieCat_ Posts: 515 Member
    I think a lot of these responses on here are confusing forgiveness with saying the act was okay. Forgiveness only means you have chosen to let go. It has nothing to do with saying cheating is okay, OR being a doormat. It takes extreme strength in character to forgive.

    Also, it depends on the type of cheating. Was it once and the SO immediately stopped and is proving that they made a mistake? Or did the SO have a full-blown emotional and physical affair and isn't changing their behavior? Every situation and relationship is extremely different and no one answer is correct.

    I'm not going to get into much personal information on here, however, it is possible for a one-time mistake to pull a relationship back together IF the one who cheated is extremely patient, willing to do anything to prove their trustworthiness to their partner since the incident, if the cheater comes clean about EVERYTHING (no more lies whatsoever), and if the bond is strong enough between those in the relationship. It's difficult, but is entirely possible. Multiple acts of cheating? Now that's an entirely different game.

    Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

    First let me start by saying I completely agree with you. Some of these responses are just idiotic.

    Second, if he does do it again, look me up. You are HOT!!!! :love:

    Thank you. Your open-mindedness is attractive. :flowerforyou:
  • emmalouc93
    emmalouc93 Posts: 328 Member
    Under any circumstance - no.
  • Hearts_2015
    Hearts_2015 Posts: 12,031 Member
    Giving forgiveness isn't to excuse their wrong. Forgiveness is for you to move on. Nothing but dust in the review mirror!

    ^^^^^
    yes very true, it has little to do with the other involved and much more to do with us as individuals. I hadn't realized how much forgiveness work I had to do yet... not sure I've even started.. gotta do that!

    It's this thread and both of you posters up above that I pasted that really made me stop and think. My situation was 20 years ago, I'm still confused by his actions, we talk occasionally but he's out of state so never run into one another. So... forgiveness is what I'll be working on then!!

    I did some forgiveness work with my Sisters and WOW, we are quite close now, I never mentioned it to them as there was no need too. I don't believe when we hurt someone we always realize it, but what a change when I do the work vs. holding a 20 year grudge... It's sucking life out me that could be used for so many good things.... it's not a constant on my mind but even so it's gotta be effecting me in ways I don't even realize.

    Thank you for posting about the forgiveness work.... sending you both hugs of gratitude!!:heart::flowerforyou:

    Oh...and I do love the rearview mirror saying...so very true!!

    Hearts:heart:


    Once you let go of all the negativity and forgive (in any circumstance), amazing things happen to you. You won't forget or change what happened but I can say after forgiveness it's like a weight is lifted from you. Best wishes!!
    :heart: Sending you a warm hug, thank you!!!:flowerforyou:
  • xvxCelticWandererxvx
    xvxCelticWandererxvx Posts: 2,890 Member
    In forgiveness, it doesn't mean you stay with the cheater. Acceptance would mean you stayed.
  • LordMarius
    LordMarius Posts: 28
    It depends on whether I asked her to cheat or not? Wasn't expecting that, were you?
  • rrsuthy
    rrsuthy Posts: 236 Member
    I think anyone can say whatever they want. But once you're faced with the situation, it might be a completely different story. Kids, length of time together, history, all play a part. I know some people who have come back much stronger from an affair. I also know some that have had their relationships decimated for a stupid one night stand. I can't give an across the board answer for this.

    This. I have a friend who's marriage is stronger than ever after her husband cheated on her. It was a struggle for awhile, but they worked through and he's now a better husband than ever and they are very happy together. I also know couples who couldn't get through it. Each situation is different.
  • Chulada23
    Chulada23 Posts: 32 Member
    Life has taught me that people that talk first bite their tongue first........

    sadly, this means some people who keep saying "NEVER", "NEVER" could very possibly be victim of cheating as their saying this... maybe they will stick to their guns, more times than not it makes you re-evaluate what you ever thought about cheating

    I have been both, cheater and cheated on.... all I can say is Karma does exist, and it does come back three times in fold, period.
  • SadKitty27
    SadKitty27 Posts: 416 Member
    I hate liars, and deception. Cheating is something I will not tolerate. I demand respect, and cheating/lying is showing zero respect or care for me. Also, I'm not one of those ice queens who with holds sex or refuses it all the time. I don't believe in that sort of selfish behavior.

    I happen to think I'm an individual who is worthy of both respect, and honesty. My sense of self-worth is high enough to never forgive someone who cheated on me.

    I'm sure that for every man who wouldn't treat me right, there is another one out there who would gladly treat me properly.

    Also, trust is a very fragile thing...Once you break it, it's gone for good. I simply couldn't be with someone that broke my trust like that.



    Edit: I have been cheated on, and I stuck to my guns and did not forgive that person. Also, it might be worth mentioning that I've never cheated on anyone or have thought of cheating on someone even when the opportunity has arisen.

    It is my opinion that your actions define you as a person, and I don't want to be defined as a crappy person of low moral character/standing.
  • bosolaris
    bosolaris Posts: 2
    You can forgive, but you can never forget. Tolerating it is not something I condone and for me it is an immediate deal breaker.
  • Timshel_
    Timshel_ Posts: 22,834 Member
    i could forgive...after that..it would depend on the attitude/actions of the person...for time it would take for me to trust him again. We all sin differently.

    Yeah.
  • Marie3391
    Marie3391 Posts: 202 Member
    Nope! No way, no how. Had someone cheat on me before and while I forgave him, it was only in order for me to let go of the anger and move on.
  • Momf3boys
    Momf3boys Posts: 1,637 Member
    Nope...attempted to for the sake of my children but couldn't....his cheating *kitten* had to go...adios!
  • hbrittingham
    hbrittingham Posts: 2,518 Member
    It depends on whether I asked her to cheat or not? Wasn't expecting that, were you?

    Well, it's not really cheating if you want her to do it. That's more of an open relationship sort of thing.
  • coachblt
    coachblt Posts: 1,090
    Jesus, who was ridiculed, beaten, spit on, tortured, had nails put in his hands and feet, along with thorns on his head said on the cross: Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.

    If he can forgive them, I can forgive a cheater. I'm just not going to be in relationship with them, that's all.
  • honey_bee_keysha
    honey_bee_keysha Posts: 773 Member
    I couldn't forgive a cheater. Once the trust is gone, the relationship is over at that point.
  • Ninguneado73
    Ninguneado73 Posts: 832
    I would not want to be forgiven..I don't I would deserve it..but I would be forgiving
  • TracyJo93
    TracyJo93 Posts: 197 Member
    I'd be gone. I can't be with someone who I can't trust. Maybe that's me being insecure, but whatever. *shrugs*
  • BabyCerise
    BabyCerise Posts: 70 Member
    No ! My ex was a cheater, what a motherf***** ! now I'm happy with my new boyfriend, but because of my ex I've got a lack of self-confidence, and, as a consequence, I don't trust my bf at 100% .... Nobody deserve a cheater !
  • smoootka
    smoootka Posts: 67 Member
    Never. People do things drunk that they want to but don't dare sober. As we say here, a drunk always tells the truth. Cheat on me and you can't have that other person, you're a waste of my time and I deserve better.
  • anybeary
    anybeary Posts: 188 Member
    Unless you've had the conversation with your partner where you both agree that you're exclusive with each other, it shouldn't be assumed that the other person doesn't have other partners. And if you haven't had that conversation, and the other person "cheated", well, that's on you for assuming it was an exclusive relationship.

    That being said, if you have had that conversation, and they still cheated, then it's OVER like Happy Days. That relationship has jumped the shark.
  • misstmarie1990
    misstmarie1990 Posts: 19
    What a topic.
    Firstly, as many people have already said, each relationship, situation etc is different, so it's really an "each to their own" kind of thing.
    I've never cheated, but I was cheated on by my childrens father. Twice.
    "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."
    Needless to say, I felt like an absolute fool.
    So from personal experience, never again would I ever take back a cheat.

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