Can you forgive a cheater?

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  • Softrbreeze
    Softrbreeze Posts: 156 Member
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    To be totally honest, I think every situation and person is different.

    If, for example, my partner and I had a huge row one night, he stormed out, got drunk, slept with a woman, and then came back the next day and was immediantly honest with me and seriously regretted his actions, I think I could forgive. It may take a while to forget, but if the relationship is worth it and you are both prepared to work at it, then it is possible.

    If, for example, I found out that he’d been sneaking around and seeing a woman for ages and having regular sex with her, while lying about his whereabouts for months, then that s completely different and he can go eff himself.

    Note: neither of the two examples have happened to me, they are purely scenarios I pulled out of my head.


    I am aware I have a slightly odd view on cheating, but I do believe people make genuine mistakes that they are sorry for and deserve a second chance. I also don't believe in the 'once a cheat always a cheat' saying.

    ^^^^^^^^^^^THIS
  • 84woolf
    84woolf Posts: 153
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    Super complex issue, & each circumstance really is so different.

    I think for me personally the emotional damage (trust, esteem, bitterness) would override the desire to work it out, even if I felt compelled to due to love, attachment, children, etc.

    I don't think its forgivable - I don't think anyone should have to FORGIVE their significant other betraying them in the worst way possible. I think referring to cheating as a "lapse in judgement" is a huge understatement.

    So yeah, forgivable, no...possible to find a way around it & move past, yes, I think its worth trying for absolutely - but I unfortunately think most times after cheating, the relationship is generally over, especially emotionally, & from seeing people around me & what Ive read, most tend to end anyway a couple years later.
  • selina884
    selina884 Posts: 826 Member
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    Pushovers forgive.

    when I was making my decision to stay or leave, the thought crossed my mind that others would view me as weak, then I realized if I made my decisions based on someone else's opinion of me THAT would make me weak.

    It doesnt matter what I or anyone else thinks.
    Youve set the boundary where it isnt so bad to cheat, it hurts but it's a forgiveable mistake.

    Some men and women have a different opinion whereas cheating is never acceptable. It's a line of disrespect and lack of self pride/humility.

    Everyones different and I accept that.
  • pollyineedtobeskinny
    pollyineedtobeskinny Posts: 362
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    Never ever would I forgive. NEVER EVER EVER
  • Cr01502
    Cr01502 Posts: 3,614 Member
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    All of these answers are from women. I hate to say it but how many women in the world hold-out on their husbands and boyfriends and refuse to have sex with them after the relationship is 'comfortable'? You know all the jokes... After the first year of marriage you will only have sex on birthday's and anniversaries...

    So you take "sex" away from your partner and are devastated when they cheat? I'm not saying it's right or condoning it in anyway, but women like that are probably the main reason men cheat. It's not just cut and dry. Have a healthy sexual relationship with your significant other and you probably won't have to worry about cheating. Sex is just as much a part of a healthy relationship as anything else. It's not always the reason for cheating but in those cases, there is more wrong with the relationship than one person being a cheater.

    I wanna hear men's replies to this. Out of curiosity.

    I would say that this poster makes a valid point. Cheating is usually a symptom of other problems in the relationship. Although I would say that so is with holding sex. Relationships are extremely hard work and most people these days don't have the time or energy to devote to such things.

    This is why I makes such an effort to never get myself into one.
  • FitnessCharl
    FitnessCharl Posts: 166
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    I would like to able to say I could forgive it, but I know from that point on I would make my life and his unbearbale and that isn't fair to either of you. I would be so paranoid and constantly trying to predict if it would happen again that it wouldn't be worth it. I have been cheated on a few times and I just say my goodbyes after that, because I know that isn't something that I could recover from.
  • zombilishious
    zombilishious Posts: 1,250 Member
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    I did. But I never truly got over it. That pain is still there to this day.
  • TheRoadDog
    TheRoadDog Posts: 11,788 Member
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    I think a cheater can reform, but it is usually at the expense of the relationship. A person usually learns and then takes that knowledge into the NEXT relationship.

    Cheating is a selfish act. A cheater is putting their own pleasure ahead of the investment that two people have made together. And for what? Been with my wife almost a quarter century. I wouldn't cheat on her under any circumstance. Couldn't look her, or my daughters, in the eye if I did.

    When a person cheats and then tries to justify it, they'rte just making excuses that have no validity.

    Either you are in this together or you aren't.
  • theCarlton
    theCarlton Posts: 1,344 Member
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    All of these answers are from women. I hate to say it but how many women in the world hold-out on their husbands and boyfriends and refuse to have sex with them after the relationship is 'comfortable'? You know all the jokes... After the first year of marriage you will only have sex on birthday's and anniversaries...

    So you take "sex" away from your partner and are devastated when they cheat? I'm not saying it's right or condoning it in anyway, but women like that are probably the main reason men cheat. It's not just cut and dry. Have a healthy sexual relationship with your significant other and you probably won't have to worry about cheating. Sex is just as much a part of a healthy relationship as anything else. It's not always the reason for cheating but in those cases, there is more wrong with the relationship than one person being a cheater.
    I think you need to talk to a lot more people before making blanket statements like that. Most wives will agree they're not withholding sex - that's a manipulative tactic that doesn't belong anywhere near a relationship. The lack of a sex drive for various reasons (usually linked to their happiness with their relationships, but sometimes medical) is most often the culprit of the disappearing sex. Drastically reduced sex is a symptom of a larger problem in a relationship. It's not just something women decide to do just to be cruel to their husbands.
  • SerenaFisher
    SerenaFisher Posts: 2,170 Member
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    All of these answers are from women. I hate to say it but how many women in the world hold-out on their husbands and boyfriends and refuse to have sex with them after the relationship is 'comfortable'? You know all the jokes... After the first year of marriage you will only have sex on birthday's and anniversaries...

    So you take "sex" away from your partner and are devastated when they cheat? I'm not saying it's right or condoning it in anyway, but women like that are probably the main reason men cheat. It's not just cut and dry. Have a healthy sexual relationship with your significant other and you probably won't have to worry about cheating. Sex is just as much a part of a healthy relationship as anything else. It's not always the reason for cheating but in those cases, there is more wrong with the relationship than one person being a cheater.
    I think you need to talk to a lot more people before making blanket statements like that. Most wives will agree they're not withholding sex - that's a manipulative tactic that doesn't belong anywhere near a relationship. The lack of a sex drive for various reasons (usually linked to their happiness with their relationships, but sometimes medical) is most often the culprit of the disappearing sex. Drastically reduced sex is a symptom of a larger problem in a relationship. It's not just something women decide to do just to be cruel to their husbands.
    I have been with the same person for eight years. We've been through a lot. With all the things we've been through sex has never been an issue, we have never had sex less then 4x a week. And the only reason it was only 4x is because we lived in desperate places so we only did it when we were apart. We have both cheated in our own way, we have a daughter, we are often considered the sweetheart couple of the town. I am not saying we are perfect and that all the trials and tribulations have made us better, we just fit, and we both have made poor choices. After the cheating we have not been the same, bit we have been awesome. It hasn't been easy, it use to be a lot easier. Having a 3 month old makes it even more difficult bit we work, we have great sex, we will be together for the rest of our lives.

    I do not know of these women that are taking sex from their husbands because they are married? Most of the women I know complain their husbands aren't putting out enough. I myself wouldn't mind my SO putting out multiple times daily. Who are these women that hate sex? Well I do know one actuly, but she just seems to hate everything. :laugh:
  • SerenaFisher
    SerenaFisher Posts: 2,170 Member
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    Also forgive the typos (bit is but and a few others) I am on my cell and writing that took a while and correcting it is near impossible. :)

    Oh lol desperate is different :laugh:
  • ihateroses
    ihateroses Posts: 893 Member
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    Never.
  • Lyadeia
    Lyadeia Posts: 4,603 Member
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    So someone asked if drunk cheating is less severe or comparable to sober cheating and after reading the responses I am interested if anyone could/or has forgiven a cheater? Or been forgiven? And if you think after forgiveness it's actually forgotten?


    My answer: I think you can forgive but you'll never forget and it could cause a strain on the relationship because of trust issues.

    I agree with your answer completely.

    I don't want to get into the situation, but basically agree with what you said. And the second person who mentioned that you have to do your best to never bring it up again...

    I used to be the person who said they'd never forgive something like this. Until it happened to me. Every relationship is different, but for mine, I know moving forward that the past is the past and will not repeat itself. But you can move forward and forgive if you want to, and if the guilty party is willing to change because they want to (not because you want them to). It won't ever be totally forgotten, but you can move on and stop dredging up the past.
  • SerenaFisher
    SerenaFisher Posts: 2,170 Member
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    Absolutely ^
  • monicamk1975
    monicamk1975 Posts: 298 Member
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    Never, and under no circumstances.
  • DeLenne
    DeLenne Posts: 5 Member
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    I was only married for 11 months before my husband started cheating on me. It really messed me up emotionally and mentally and finally physically. I divorced him, i'm healed, and i forgive him. He tried to come back and i couldn't take him back, a relationship is supposed to be built on trust and i would always be wondering where or who he was with when he was gone. I respect myself to much to go through that again with anyone.:smile:
  • tnq1019
    tnq1019 Posts: 65
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    once a cheter a a cheater..take out the trash.. its easy to cheeat and give in to temptation but u gotta find someone that only wants u that is truly hard being faithful
  • redraidergirl2009
    redraidergirl2009 Posts: 2,560 Member
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    It depends. I cheated on people, other people knew about it, still dated me. I didn't cheat on those people though.
  • Sharkington
    Sharkington Posts: 485
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    No.
  • Justjamie0418
    Justjamie0418 Posts: 1,065 Member
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    I think it varies from situation to situation.
    I have cheated and been cheated on. I was cheated on many times before I got fed up and did it out of spite (stupid I know, it isn't something I am proud of)

    With the first guy that cheated on me (my first husband) I just lost everything I had for him, thought I could do better (and I could) and I moved on. Next guy, Cheated on me, while I was drunk and passed out in the same bed, I woke up.. Never forgot that, and even though he claims he's learned his lesson, I could never be with him, the mental images were just too much.

    I was also with a guy whose wife knew he cheated, I guess it wasn't cheating because he was staying with me, and shed call me looking for him? I was able to see other people too, I just didn't. Was a very odd relationship, but I loved him to death, and due to other circumstances I had to cut it off. Addiction is a horrible thing and I couldn't let his addictions control my/my kids life. If I saw him today I would still be weak for him. :(

    Sometimes people are Truly Stuck in a relationship and there is nothing left. They stay together for dumb reasons, or because one or the other couldn't make it on their own, some people don't have family and friends to help them, and would rather stay in a ruined marriage then put their kids in a homeless shelter or worse. I think in these situations, or where another partner is being abusive and the other clings to someone else.. I get it. Not that I think it's right, but I DO get it. Sometimes enough has to be enough.

    I find it hard to forgive and forget, except that one person and I let him walk all over me, and still loved him no matter what. weird.

    Glad I am not that person anymore.

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