Can you forgive a cheater?

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  • tanashai
    tanashai Posts: 207 Member
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    I guess I'm in the minority :) My husband and I have been through many of the things that tear relationships apart: I cheated on him early on, he had an emotional affair on me over the internet. We have a son with a disability, we have been flat broke and dealt with family drama.

    I think what worked for us and made our relationship stronger despite all of the problems is that we were always able to sit down and talk about it. I've still got a few scars, but he does too and we're learning to push them to the past-learn and move on. So I guess in my case I have been able to forgive and ultimately forget and we've been stronger for it. We're both kind of old school too in that we want to be in this for the long haul XD.

    But our situation is definitely not anyone else's, so I can't say for anyone else. It's working for us. May not for someone else.
  • patty43ck
    patty43ck Posts: 248 Member
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    It's hard to say "NO' unless you are in the situation. I always thought I would divorce immediately if my spouse cheated on me but it happened three years ago because we were in a very bad place and I was ready to divorce him anway. For some reason, the experience woke me up and made me realize that our relationship was worth fighting for. We have 3 kids and I did not want to lose our family. We went to counseling and discovered a lot of things about each other that we did not know before. While I know him being lonely was no excuse to cheat, I have forgiven him and decided to give him another chance. I have not forgotten though. There are days when I think about it still but it has gotten easier and we get along better now then we ever have.
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
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    I can totally forgive a cheater as I pack his clothes in boxes, throw bleach on them, and call him a cab. You have to forgive to move on. At least that's what the guy at church said.
  • InnerConflict
    InnerConflict Posts: 1,592 Member
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    All of these answers are from women. I hate to say it but how many women in the world hold-out on their husbands and boyfriends and refuse to have sex with them after the relationship is 'comfortable'? You know all the jokes... After the first year of marriage you will only have sex on birthday's and anniversaries...

    So you take "sex" away from your partner and are devastated when they cheat? I'm not saying it's right or condoning it in anyway, but women like that are probably the main reason men cheat. It's not just cut and dry. Have a healthy sexual relationship with your significant other and you probably won't have to worry about cheating. Sex is just as much a part of a healthy relationship as anything else. It's not always the reason for cheating but in those cases, there is more wrong with the relationship than one person being a cheater.

    Well said
  • trophywife24
    trophywife24 Posts: 1,472 Member
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    Yup; did so. I'm not very interested in being touched; husband is. It pretty much had to happen.

    Wait, your husband *had* to have an affair on you because you two don't have the same sex drive?



    *cricket noise*



    *table flip*


    NO.
  • Charlixoxo
    Charlixoxo Posts: 94 Member
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    I was cheated on, he was drunk, he made a mistake.

    We are now living together, happily engaged and I know he'll never do it again.
    It's made us stronger.

    That's just us though :) but it is possible to forgive and forget.
  • ItsCasey
    ItsCasey Posts: 4,022 Member
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    To my knowledge, I've never been cheated on, so I can't say for sure how I would respond to it, but I do feel like I respect myself enough that once would be too many times for me. I would truly rather be alone than be with someone I can't trust.

    As for refusing to have sex after a relationship is "comfortable," girlfriends don't have any moral obligation to their boyfriends (or vice versa), where sex is concerned. For married couples, however, sex is part of the commitment you make to each other, and cutting that off is just as much a betrayal, in my opinion, as having sex with someone else.
  • Raynne413
    Raynne413 Posts: 1,527 Member
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    I was with one of my exes for 5 years. In that time, he cheated on me at LEAST 10 times that I know of (I was young, and stupid and took him back). I can honestly say from that experience that I will NEVER stay with another person that cheats on me. It is demeaning, and painful. It makes you feel like YOU are the problem. And because of that experience, I will never be able to regain trust in someone that cheats on me once, whatever the reason.
  • TwinkieDong
    TwinkieDong Posts: 1,564 Member
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    personally I think we put too much thought into this. I think our culture makes it the unforgivable sin. While in others it is just quietly accepted. I am not saying either one is right. For me I could forgive, however things would definitely change.
  • TheLuSir
    TheLuSir Posts: 1,674 Member
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    forgive & forget, relive & regret.

    This.
  • BflSaberfan
    BflSaberfan Posts: 1,272
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    I've been with the same person for 17 years. We have 2 kids together. He had a 3 week internet "affair" 3 years ago. It was the wake up call we both needed in our relationship. We had become roommates. That was the hardest thing I ever had to go through but I am a better woman because of it and our marriage has never been better.

    With that said, the trust is not 100% back, maybe it never will be....he certainly doesn't expect it to be. But once the affair came to light we both had decisions to make and we both decided to give it our all, if we failed at least for our children we can say we tried. 3 years later I can honestly say I am happy.


    PS If you would have asked me 10 minutes before I found out if I would have ever forgiven a cheater I would have told you 100% no, no way, never. Once I was in those shoes and had to make choices it was very different and as with any mom, my kids were my first thought. He is a good man, always worked hard for us, excellent father....he made a mistake. A lapse in judgement that hurt me badly - a mistake he still beats himself up for 3 years later. He is human and I love him regardless of the mistake.
  • MrsBobaFett
    MrsBobaFett Posts: 802 Member
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    No no and no, off with their nether regions! There are simply no excuses, if you are not happy enough with someone to commit to them then leave, don't be a douche and break their heart..
  • I_Will_End_You
    I_Will_End_You Posts: 4,397 Member
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    No no and no, off with their nether regions! There are simply no excuses, if you are not happy enough with someone to commit to them then leave, don't be a douche and break their heart..

    Not to mention put their physical health in danger (as well as emotional).
  • BuffyEat2Live
    BuffyEat2Live Posts: 327 Member
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    I would like to say that if he came to me immediately and begged for forgiveness then I could forgive and move forward (with counseling, probably!). But I really am not sure...

    I think that if someone makes a drunken mistake and it truly was a one-time event and it really will NEVER happen again, then it could be the less selfish thing to NEVER tell your partner about it. Let the guilt consume you... then again, honesty is so important...

    Oh, never mind. I guess that I don't really have a firm opinion on this matter yet, and should not have responded.
  • selina884
    selina884 Posts: 826 Member
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    Pushovers forgive.
  • BflSaberfan
    BflSaberfan Posts: 1,272
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    Pushovers forgive.

    when I was making my decision to stay or leave, the thought crossed my mind that others would view me as weak, then I realized if I made my decisions based on someone else's opinion of me THAT would make me weak.
  • InnerConflict
    InnerConflict Posts: 1,592 Member
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    Pushovers forgive.

    when I was making my decision to stay or leave, the thought crossed my mind that others would view me as weak, then I realized if I made my decisions based on someone else's opinion of me THAT would make me weak.

    Well put. Although some of the posts have come from women that have been in your shoes, most of them are coming from women that haven't had to encounter the difficult decision.

    If my wife comes home today and tells me she had an affair, I am pretty sure I am not going to throw bleach on her clothes and put her out of the house. What is best for my child will definitely factor in on my decision.
  • Becoming_A_Butterfly
    Becoming_A_Butterfly Posts: 2,534 Member
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    It's not a question of whether I can forgive the cheater. Even if I forgave the cheater, the relationship is still over. I am not going to sell myself short by accepting such disrespect and betrayal and staying in a lie of a relationship.
  • hbrittingham
    hbrittingham Posts: 2,518 Member
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    What if you found out about a one time affair ten years later? I just mean to say it is very different for each situation.

    I think for me it would be, if they cheated when the two of you are happy and things are good, then that person just can't be intimate emotionally and you're not going to have a satisfying relationship you can trust.

    If they cheat when things are bad, on the rocks, distant, un-involved- then they have communication issues that could be worked through, possibly, maybe, if both parties want to and things improve. I don't think it feels like you're being unfaithful or hurtful if you feel really removed from the person- but there's something wrong that you could allow so much distance to come into the relationship.

    Overall though, serial cheater? They just don't respect a relationship or themselves, so that's never going to work.

    My husband and I were at the point of talking about divorce a year ago. We were in that bad of a place in our marriage. Even though we were just "roommates" at the time, neither of us cheated on the other.

    With counseling, we worked through our issues and are more in love than ever. But I can tell you that if he had cheated on me at that point, we would not still be together. I know myself well enough to know that I would never be able to forget and it would eat at me for the rest of my life, because that's how I am. That would have made both of us miserable.
  • CyeRyn
    CyeRyn Posts: 389 Member
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    My simple answer: nope. Being cheated on is never forgivable. You can perhaps work with your significant other and get past it, but it is never a forgivable circumstance. In my opinion a relationship is based on trust, honesty, and compromise. Once you take away one of those, it all tumbles down. (Perhaps I'm a little biased too since I have been cheated on in my past. I've never once forgiven.)

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