Can you forgive a cheater?

24567…11

Replies

  • links_slayer
    links_slayer Posts: 1,151 Member
    Forgive? Yes
    Forget? Never
  • Laura42012
    Laura42012 Posts: 180 Member
    After my cheating ex-husband, no, I don't forgive cheating or lying for that matter.
  • LPJackson76
    LPJackson76 Posts: 67 Member
    Never say never. I always thought it was the ultimate deal breaker. Then I found myself with an 18 month old son, pregnant with another baby, in a new house, and a husband who announced he was having an affair. Suddenly it didn't seem like it was the ABSOLUTE deal breaker.

    For 2 months we worked on our marriage - correction, I worked, he said he was working, but things got worse and worse until he finally admitted he just wanted out.

    My point is sometimes sex really is just sex and a relationship can be worth saving. Other times...NO.

    Each situation is different.
  • MyPsalm63
    MyPsalm63 Posts: 303
    Forgive...Absolutely. It would be hard and hurtful but I would lean on the Lord. I know he can mend and fix anything. I do not think drunk cheating is less than sober cheating. Either way, you're cheating. If one doesn't forgive, I think the anger, hurt, ect can eat away at you worse.
  • pudadough
    pudadough Posts: 1,271 Member
    I don't get the drunk excuse. Who are these classless people who still get piss drunk like they're in college? Grow up.

    I would never deal with a cheater if we were just dating. There's the door. Go have all the sex you want.

    I would really have to evaluate the whole situation if it happened in a marriage. No kids between us? Repeat offense? Probably out the door then, too.
  • rubypond
    rubypond Posts: 41 Member
    I couldn't stay with someone if they cheated on me, drunk or not. At least not now. My ex-husband cheated on me once before we got married, with my brother's girlfriend no less and they actually both left together for a few days. I got a phone call and he wanted to come back because he realized he had made a mistake. I took him back and we eventually got married. I could never forgive him or forget what he did even though I thought I could. About a year later we divorced. There really isn't a reason to stay with someone that has cheated on you, whether it be male or female. After the divorce I swore that I would never get married again. 7 years later I met another man, my boss actually and we started dating. It is now 20 years later and we are still together. We haven't married and I figure after 20 years what is the sense, we live together as husband and wife but I figure what is a piece of paper.
  • patrickblo13
    patrickblo13 Posts: 831 Member
    I don't get the drunk excuse. Who are these classless people who still get piss drunk like they're in college? Grow up.

    That is a very judgemental statement to make. Just because someone goes out and gets drunks doesn't make them classless....people that think they are superior to those kind of people=classless!!!
  • SweetestLibby
    SweetestLibby Posts: 607 Member
    Forgive - maybe.
    Forget - nope.

    Regardless the relationship is over. I can no longer trust you and if I can't trust you what is the point? If you or I feel the need to go outside of the relationship the there are fundamental issues that need to be address. I admit to feeling the urge to be with someone else while I was in a relationship. I left the relationship rather than cheat because the relationship turned out to not be what I wanted/needed/etc.

    I don't buy the drunk excuse. I've been fall down, sloppy drunk in college. I've been moderately drunk. I've been black out drunk and I've never had the urge to intentially cheat nor have I ever tried to. You either want to do or you don't. I had an ex-boyfriend say he was so drunk that he just counldn't stop her. I said then he was assaulted and it needed to be reported accordingly. Well it turns out he wasn't actually that drunk and the sex was actually consentual.

    Alcohol does not make you a cheater unless you want it to. Cheating does not happen by accident.
  • yaddayaddayadda
    yaddayaddayadda Posts: 430 Member
    no
  • trophywife24
    trophywife24 Posts: 1,472 Member
    No, no and hell no.
  • SarahBeth0625
    SarahBeth0625 Posts: 685 Member
    NO.
  • FireEngineRedHead
    FireEngineRedHead Posts: 281 Member
    forgive & forget, relive & regret.
    no.
  • Mandykinz2008
    Mandykinz2008 Posts: 292 Member
    Forgive? Yes.
    Forget? No.

    That being said, cheat on me, the relationship is over.

    This. Completely.
  • crimsoncat
    crimsoncat Posts: 457 Member
    Forgive? Yes.
    Forget? No.

    That being said, cheat on me, the relationship is over.

    This. Even if I could forgive it I would hold it against them for eternity. That's no way to carry on a relationship.

    However, I will add that if you cop to the cheating right away (as opposed to having sex with me and then letting me know and possibly endangering my life with HIV), I look on it more favorably then if you cheat and lie until the end.

    Also, I come from a family of alcoholics. If you're drunk and cheat I see this as 1000x worse then sober cheating simply because you reminded me of all crap I put up with from alcoholism in my family. My own personal bias, but there it is.
  • newdaydawning79
    newdaydawning79 Posts: 1,503 Member
    So someone asked if drunk cheating is less severe or comparable to sober cheating and after reading the responses I am interested if anyone could/or has forgiven a cheater? Or been forgiven? And if you think after forgiveness it's actually forgotten?


    My answer: I think you can forgive but you'll never forget and it could cause a strain on the relationship because of trust issues.

    I have. And 10 1/2 years later we're still going strong. The cheating was literally 1 week into our exclusivity.
  • Pixi_Rex
    Pixi_Rex Posts: 1,676 Member
    Forgive? No
    Forget? No

    I refuse to let that *kitten* go, sorry if you are a cheater in my world you will forever be a cheater.
  • conniemaxwell5
    conniemaxwell5 Posts: 943 Member
    No difference between drunk and sober cheating. Forgiveness is for your own peace and it doesn't mean you have to subject yourself to the behavior anymore, just that you can let it (and him, perhaps) go and move on. Holding onto a grudge, offense, unforgiveness just keeps you in a state of distrust that you will transfer to others because of what he did. I do know couples that have had a cheating issue and the cheating spouse was truly sorry and changed and the other spouse forgave. It took some time but they were able to restore their marriage and are fine now.
  • GracefulDancer4Christ
    GracefulDancer4Christ Posts: 419 Member
    this!
    Forgive? Yes.
    Forget? No.

    That being said, cheat on me, the relationship is over.
  • kokalvt
    kokalvt Posts: 143
    My ex drunk cheated...I forgave him because he told me he loved me ::shakes former self::

    Well, it's pretty obvious what happened seeing as he is now EX...
  • fbmandy55
    fbmandy55 Posts: 5,263 Member
    I think anyone can say whatever they want. But once you're faced with the situation, it might be a completely different story. Kids, length of time together, history, all play a part. I know some people who have come back much stronger from an affair. I also know some that have had their relationships decimated for a stupid one night stand. I can't give an across the board answer for this.

    This. I wonder how many women say they would never tolerate it but do?

    My ex cheated on my with at least 4 girls when we were between the ages of 19 and 22. One was a 16 year old, one was 17 and he also got a bj from a 14 year old when we were 18. Of course I didn't know about all of this until I was in the hospital after giving birth to our son and his friends informed me that he was out sleeping with my "friend".

    Sadly, it took me a couple years to finally be done and move on. You do crazy things when you are young, brainwashed and abused. Looking back now, I can't even imagine why I was with him in the first place and thankfully he doesn't exist in my world anymore.
  • I_Will_End_You
    I_Will_End_You Posts: 4,397 Member
    NO. There really aren't any circumstances that make it acceptable. If you want to screw someone else, then break up with your partner or get a divorce. Done and done.

    And I DO think people who cheat are bad people.
  • pudadough
    pudadough Posts: 1,271 Member
    I don't get the drunk excuse. Who are these classless people who still get piss drunk like they're in college? Grow up.

    That is a very judgemental statement to make. Just because someone goes out and gets drunks doesn't make them classless....people that think they are superior to those kind of people=classless!!!

    No. Having a drink is fine. Getting so drunk that you cannot function and make sound judgements is not classy. Sorry if you think you can have it both ways. Adults should know better.
  • KenosFeoh
    KenosFeoh Posts: 1,837 Member
    Yup; did so. I'm not very interested in being touched; husband is. It pretty much had to happen.
  • Liatush
    Liatush Posts: 627 Member
    I couldn't. They'd be straight out the door. It'd prove there was no commitment and they abused my trust, simple as that.

    This. The relationship would be over because the trust and respect would be DEAD. I think in time I'd eventually need to find forgiveness just for my own sake. I think holding onto anger is self-destructive. But I certainly wouldn't stay with a cheater, no. There's a big difference between forgiving and enabling. They'd be out the door for sure.

    Agreed. I would never be able to look at him the same way again, or relax to his touch ever again... Whether drunk or not, whether one time or not, none of it matters. Drunk is not something that happens after 1 drink and a man in love would never be able to put the woman he loves out of his mind long enough to engage in sex with someone else, so those are just excuses in my mind. I also agree with someone who said, we all deserve to be with someone who would never do that to us and will love us, not hurt us.
  • InnerConflict
    InnerConflict Posts: 1,592 Member
    Should I be skeptical about "NO" answers when they come from married women I have naked pictures of?
  • Boomqueen
    Boomqueen Posts: 1
    What if you found out about a one time affair ten years later? I just mean to say it is very different for each situation.

    I think for me it would be, if they cheated when the two of you are happy and things are good, then that person just can't be intimate emotionally and you're not going to have a satisfying relationship you can trust.

    If they cheat when things are bad, on the rocks, distant, un-involved- then they have communication issues that could be worked through, possibly, maybe, if both parties want to and things improve. I don't think it feels like you're being unfaithful or hurtful if you feel really removed from the person- but there's something wrong that you could allow so much distance to come into the relationship.

    Overall though, serial cheater? They just don't respect a relationship or themselves, so that's never going to work.
  • HypersonicFitNess
    HypersonicFitNess Posts: 1,219 Member
    I'm willing to forgive but there is no longer a relationship b/c there is no longer any trust.
  • whatanut
    whatanut Posts: 1
    I have been cheated on before... and I'll admit... at one point I've even cheated on someone.

    From my personal point of view... if you're going to cheat, there's a reason that you're doing so. And that in and of itself should be a major sign of the health and stability of the relationship.

    I know that not many are willing to speak from this side. Because let's face it; cheating is wrong. No matter the excuse. And while it has been a looooong time I'm still not exactly proud of my actions.

    But I've since learned that if I'm in a relationship where I would even remotely consider anything with someone other than the person I'm with, drunken or not, then I shouldn't be in that relationship. Period. And that finally landed me in a relationship that is extremely strong and wonderful.


    very true, there are always 2 sides of the story, and I personally don't think that the cheater is always the "bad guy" sometimes, you can't just find a way out...until you can, you don't always make the best decisions.
  • ahviendha
    ahviendha Posts: 1,291 Member
    I can't forgive because I can't forget. The trust is broken, and I've tried repairing trust after I've been cheated on and I just can't do it.

    Maybe a better person than I could forgive.
  • fbmandy55
    fbmandy55 Posts: 5,263 Member
    All of these answers are from women. I hate to say it but how many women in the world hold-out on their husbands and boyfriends and refuse to have sex with them after the relationship is 'comfortable'? You know all the jokes... After the first year of marriage you will only have sex on birthday's and anniversaries...

    So you take "sex" away from your partner and are devastated when they cheat? I'm not saying it's right or condoning it in anyway, but women like that are probably the main reason men cheat. It's not just cut and dry. Have a healthy sexual relationship with your significant other and you probably won't have to worry about cheating. Sex is just as much a part of a healthy relationship as anything else. It's not always the reason for cheating but in those cases, there is more wrong with the relationship than one person being a cheater.

Categories