Can you forgive a cheater?

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  • BflSaberfan
    BflSaberfan Posts: 1,272
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    Pushovers forgive.

    when I was making my decision to stay or leave, the thought crossed my mind that others would view me as weak, then I realized if I made my decisions based on someone else's opinion of me THAT would make me weak.

    Well put. Although some of the posts have come from women that have been in your shoes, most of them are coming from women that haven't had to encounter the difficult decision.

    If my wife comes home today and tells me she had an affair, I am pretty sure I am not going to throw bleach on her clothes and put her out of the house. What is best for my child will definitely factor in on my decision.

    The day I found out I came home from work and packed everything he owned, I even took every picture of him within arms reach and put it all in black garbage bags (i wasn't giving him the suitcases) I even threw his playstation 3 and games, literally tossed into a bag as well. He came home and found his things, I told him to get out and he left for 3 days. Over those 3 days I realized that was not what I wanted. and It was pretty apparent that it was not what he wanted either. The kids were absolutely broken, I didn't know if I could ever forgive him but I knew my babies were worth trying to.
  • patty43ck
    patty43ck Posts: 248 Member
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    I've been with the same person for 17 years. We have 2 kids together. He had a 3 week internet "affair" 3 years ago. It was the wake up call we both needed in our relationship. We had become roommates. That was the hardest thing I ever had to go through but I am a better woman because of it and our marriage has never been better.

    With that said, the trust is not 100% back, maybe it never will be....he certainly doesn't expect it to be. But once the affair came to light we both had decisions to make and we both decided to give it our all, if we failed at least for our children we can say we tried. 3 years later I can honestly say I am happy.


    PS If you would have asked me 10 minutes before I found out if I would have ever forgiven a cheater I would have told you 100% no, no way, never. Once I was in those shoes and had to make choices it was very different and as with any mom, my kids were my first thought. He is a good man, always worked hard for us, excellent father....he made a mistake. A lapse in judgement that hurt me badly - a mistake he still beats himself up for 3 years later. He is human and I love him regardless of the mistake.

    Your situation souds identical to mine! I really do think it depends on the situation and the person. I always thought I would be the person to leave but some things are just worth fighting for especially if the person that cheated has true remorse and there are children involved. I can also say that if he ever cheated again it would be the end. Fool me once shame on you...fool me twice shame on me.
  • WannaDizzolve
    WannaDizzolve Posts: 270 Member
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    i forgave mine, but i never fully trusted him again. and he lost a lot of my respect. it was a long road back to anything more than basic civility. now i forgive them, as i'm kicking them to the curb. the forgiveness part is for my sanity. i know that relationshops are difficult and it's easy to give in to the temptation of cheating as a way to deal with the unresolved issues, but i don't cheat and that's what i expect from my beloved...
  • BflSaberfan
    BflSaberfan Posts: 1,272
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    I've been with the same person for 17 years. We have 2 kids together. He had a 3 week internet "affair" 3 years ago. It was the wake up call we both needed in our relationship. We had become roommates. That was the hardest thing I ever had to go through but I am a better woman because of it and our marriage has never been better.

    With that said, the trust is not 100% back, maybe it never will be....he certainly doesn't expect it to be. But once the affair came to light we both had decisions to make and we both decided to give it our all, if we failed at least for our children we can say we tried. 3 years later I can honestly say I am happy.


    PS If you would have asked me 10 minutes before I found out if I would have ever forgiven a cheater I would have told you 100% no, no way, never. Once I was in those shoes and had to make choices it was very different and as with any mom, my kids were my first thought. He is a good man, always worked hard for us, excellent father....he made a mistake. A lapse in judgement that hurt me badly - a mistake he still beats himself up for 3 years later. He is human and I love him regardless of the mistake.

    Your situation souds identical to mine! I really do think it depends on the situation and the person. I always thought I would be the person to leave but some things are just worth fighting for especially if the person that cheated has true remorse and there are children involved. I can also say that if he ever cheated again it would be the end. Fool me once shame on you...fool me twice shame on me.

    Absolutely, he knows i cannot go through that again and I do remind him from time to time still - a second time would show a pattern and a serial cheater in my opinion is a whole different ball game, one I dont want to play.
  • digitalbill
    digitalbill Posts: 1,410 Member
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    Once a cheater, always a cheater.
    Maybe not today, tomorrow, or next year but, it WILL happen again.
  • meltingmama1965
    meltingmama1965 Posts: 24
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    Well i'm talking from exsperience on this subject. My husband and I have been married for 8 yrs and he cheated on me with my exbest friend. I cant trust him yet and it has been 1 yr that he has done this. I know it will take time but i dont think i will ever trust him again. but i can forgive him with god help. I do hope he dont do it again and i look at his phone all the time and if i see him go on his computer i go look see what he is doing.
    So far he has been good so your all probley wondering why im still with him. Well i love him very much and he has a son that i help raise. This son has autism and dont like change so im trying to work it out and be a productive family.
  • writetomab
    writetomab Posts: 226
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    If it happened to me then there is no way I can forgive someone no matter what the circumstances were so I would have to call it a day. But we are all different and we all handle life's difficulties in our own way... if the person who was hurt truly believes that their partner was sorry and regrets what they have done and would never do it again then its up to the individual to determine if they can forgive and move on.
  • drchimpanzee
    drchimpanzee Posts: 892 Member
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    I don't have a problem with dishonesty. I just think to myself, "Why the heck did they believe me?"
  • TheEffort
    TheEffort Posts: 1,028 Member
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    I could forgive but I know once you forgive you truly have to let go and not bring that back up again because like you said the not trusting will cause a strain

    Exactly.

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  • lloydrt
    lloydrt Posts: 1,121 Member
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    I can say, I dont cheat, wont ever ever ever put myself in a situation to lose my other half.............

    I would die before I would inflict pain on my partner, its not worht the few minutes of sexual pleasure...........its really not
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
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    All of these answers are from women. I hate to say it but how many women in the world hold-out on their husbands and boyfriends and refuse to have sex with them after the relationship is 'comfortable'? You know all the jokes... After the first year of marriage you will only have sex on birthday's and anniversaries...

    So you take "sex" away from your partner and are devastated when they cheat? I'm not saying it's right or condoning it in anyway, but women like that are probably the main reason men cheat. It's not just cut and dry. Have a healthy sexual relationship with your significant other and you probably won't have to worry about cheating. Sex is just as much a part of a healthy relationship as anything else. It's not always the reason for cheating but in those cases, there is more wrong with the relationship than one person being a cheater.

    I wanna hear men's replies to this. Out of curiosity.
  • Llyrian
    Llyrian Posts: 99 Member
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    After nearly 10 years of marriage I learned that my husband had been having an affiar. It was the absolutely WORSE feeling in the world. I tried to make it work, for the sake of my children and the fact that marriage actually means something to me, which is hard to find these days. I didn't get married to get a divorce. I went to counseling for a year and I learned that I could never move forward. There was too much that I learned in that time that I could never get over. I have forgiven him but I will NEVER forget. It's a hurt that doesn't just go away. It made me extremely depressed and my self esteem was GONE. I have been divorced now for 3 years and I'm engaged to be remarried. I don't believe that sleeping with someone is a "mistake"...even if you are drunk...you make your own decisions, and if it means that you decided to drink yourself into a stooper then you are responsible for your actions the follow. I don't wish the pain of betrayal on anyone.

    Wow, I think you're mirroring what I've been going through.

    We've been together for over 10 years. This all exploded 2 years ago and I decided after a brief separation to try and make it work but I think we're both unable to fully move past it all. It makes me very sad, because he's my best friend and a huge part of my life, despite everything, but some wounds just can't be fully healed. Obviously it takes two people to end a marriage. I'm not perfect and things were already in danger when he chose to cheat, but these are all *decisions*.

    I can only hope that maybe one day, after a few years of healing, we can develop a new relationship as friends.
  • sevsmom
    sevsmom Posts: 1,172 Member
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    I did. Unfortunately, he was "in love" by the time I found out. And, while I was willing to put in the hard work to rebuild our relationship and re-establish trust, he was too "in love" to even consider it.

    He left. We divorced. He moved on (instantly). I met an amazing man and remarried *very* quickly. The fling he left me for, burned him in the most embarassing way. He eventually apologized, quite tearfully, for how he treated me.

    He's remarried with a lovely little girl. We're both better off. But, I really REALLY did forgive him and REALLY wanted to rebuild our marriage. Sometimes it just doesn't work that way.
  • sizzle74
    sizzle74 Posts: 858 Member
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    Nope. I'd be forever bitter and nobody wants to be around that.
  • rbrown2007
    rbrown2007 Posts: 62
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    Nope
  • minijag06
    minijag06 Posts: 70
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    No way. That is why I filed for divorce. I deserve better!
  • PBsMommy
    PBsMommy Posts: 1,166 Member
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    The "once a cheater, always a cheater" line has always meant something entirely different to me than to most.

    Most take it as once a person has cheated, they will cheat again. I guess literally that is what it means.

    However, my train of thought when I say this is: the person who has cheated may never cheat in there life again. It may have been a one time thing for them. HOWEVER, to me, they cheated. They did that deed once, therefore for the rest of their life they will be a cheater to me. Just like if someone stole something from me, just once and never did it again. They will always be a thief to me.

    Drunken infidelity has no more of an excuse than sober infidelity.

    I went through a family with infidelity issues. They tried to make it work really hard, for me, for my sister and brother.

    Hypothetically, if my spouse cheated, drunken or not, on me:

    1. If he told me, he better tell me and dart and give me cool down time. or If I found out on my own, he better hope word that I found out got to him before I got to him.

    2. I would eventually forgive him. The time this would take would depend on how well number 1 played out.

    3. I know me and I know I could never forget no matter the circumstances, excuses, etc. . Therefore, the marriage would end and I would not "try" to work things out.
  • michellewong699
    michellewong699 Posts: 98 Member
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    I don't believe that"once a cheater, always a cheater" but I do not think I can forgive or forget someone who cheated on me.
    So, while I think that a cheater can change, it is definitely not going to be with me.

    I once had this experience where this guy really liked me and I never gave him the time of day. He began to grow on me so we started dating. It was then that I realized that he had MANY other girls on the side. I told him off and put him on blast. He hated me for awhile, but, months later, he stopped all his games and started to date his current girlfriend. He has been faithful to her ever since.

    I didn't forgive him one bit. But I do respect him for getting his life together and, overall, becoming a better man. He often told me that, if it weren't for what I did, he would not have gotten over his commitment issues or seen that it was such a big deal. I was the only girl who stood up to him.

    As for cheating while drunk, it really is the same thing to me. Even if the guy did not have fidelity issues to begin with, I would be pissed that he did not know his limits and he had no self-control. Being drunk is not an excuse for anything. It just shows that you have even more issues.
  • PBsMommy
    PBsMommy Posts: 1,166 Member
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    All of these answers are from women. I hate to say it but how many women in the world hold-out on their husbands and boyfriends and refuse to have sex with them after the relationship is 'comfortable'? You know all the jokes... After the first year of marriage you will only have sex on birthday's and anniversaries...

    So you take "sex" away from your partner and are devastated when they cheat? I'm not saying it's right or condoning it in anyway, but women like that are probably the main reason men cheat. It's not just cut and dry. Have a healthy sexual relationship with your significant other and you probably won't have to worry about cheating. Sex is just as much a part of a healthy relationship as anything else. It's not always the reason for cheating but in those cases, there is more wrong with the relationship than one person being a cheater.

    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

    I am married.
    I am a woman.
    I want sex about 10x more than my husband. I never think about going and boning another man because my husband is to tired to give me any.
  • digitalbill
    digitalbill Posts: 1,410 Member
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    I don't believe that"once a cheater, always a cheater" but I do not think I can forgive or forget someone who cheated on me.
    So, while I think that a cheater can change, it is definitely not going to be with me.

    I once had this experience where this guy really liked me and I never gave him the time of day. He began to grow on me so we started dating. It was then that I realized that he had MANY other girls on the side. I told him off and put him on blast. He hated me for awhile, but, months later, he stopped all his games and started to date his current girlfriend. He has been faithful to her ever since.

    I didn't forgive him one bit. But I do respect him for getting his life together and, overall, becoming a better man. He often told me that, if it weren't for what I did, he would not have gotten over his commitment issues or seen that it was such a big deal. I was the only girl who stood up to him.

    As for cheating while drunk, it really is the same thing to me. Even if the guy did not have fidelity issues to begin with, I would be pissed that he did not know his limits and he had no self-control. Being drunk is not an excuse for anything. It just shows that you have even more issues.
    Really?
    He is being faithful to her?
    I am willing to bet that if you offered, he would sleep with you.
    Once a cheater, always a cheater.

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