Can you forgive a cheater?

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SerenaFisher
SerenaFisher Posts: 2,170 Member
in Chit-Chat
So someone asked if drunk cheating is less severe or comparable to sober cheating and after reading the responses I am interested if anyone could/or has forgiven a cheater? Or been forgiven? And if you think after forgiveness it's actually forgotten?


My answer: I think you can forgive but you'll never forget and it could cause a strain on the relationship because of trust issues.
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Replies

  • PaleoChocolateBear
    PaleoChocolateBear Posts: 2,844 Member
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    I could forgive but I know once you forgive you truly have to let go and not bring that back up again because like you said the not trusting will cause a strain
  • ZozoMonster
    ZozoMonster Posts: 270 Member
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    I couldn't. They'd be straight out the door. It'd prove there was no commitment and they abused my trust, simple as that.
  • Alatariel75
    Alatariel75 Posts: 17,959 Member
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    I don't think I could. I might want to, and try, but in the end, when we had a fight or I got mad or grumpy or resentful over anything else, it would creep back and add to it all.
  • bobbiboo24
    bobbiboo24 Posts: 44 Member
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    My ex cheated on me about 2 years into our relationship. I tried to forgive and stayed with him for a few months after but bottom line was I couldn't forget. While he was drunk, he still chose to do what he did and I was humiliated and hurt.

    While people, like me, may try to forgive, usually the relationship will fail eventually...

    Also we all need to find someone that just won't do that to us! :)
  • milozara
    milozara Posts: 24
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    Once a cheater always a cheater, If you take them back don't get mad when they cheat again!! :devil: :devil:
  • Abhishek1984
    Abhishek1984 Posts: 49
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    Forgiving was easier for me , but forgetting is hard , my personal incident actually made me more insecure and scared or scarred :smile:
  • billd935
    billd935 Posts: 11
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    Yes it is possible. Not easy, but possible. You have to first recognize that people sometimes make mistakes. Serial cheating not so much of forgiving or forgetting.
  • lauren3101
    lauren3101 Posts: 1,853 Member
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    To be totally honest, I think every situation and person is different.

    If, for example, my partner and I had a huge row one night, he stormed out, got drunk, slept with a woman, and then came back the next day and was immediantly honest with me and seriously regretted his actions, I think I could forgive. It may take a while to forget, but if the relationship is worth it and you are both prepared to work at it, then it is possible.

    If, for example, I found out that he’d been sneaking around and seeing a woman for ages and having regular sex with her, while lying about his whereabouts for months, then that s completely different and he can go eff himself.

    Note: neither of the two examples have happened to me, they are purely scenarios I pulled out of my head.


    I am aware I have a slightly odd view on cheating, but I do believe people make genuine mistakes that they are sorry for and deserve a second chance. I also don't believe in the 'once a cheat always a cheat' saying.
  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
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    I couldn't. They'd be straight out the door. It'd prove there was no commitment and they abused my trust, simple as that.

    This. The relationship would be over because the trust and respect would be DEAD. I think in time I'd eventually need to find forgiveness just for my own sake. I think holding onto anger is self-destructive. But I certainly wouldn't stay with a cheater, no. There's a big difference between forgiving and enabling. They'd be out the door for sure.
  • runner2runner
    runner2runner Posts: 1,937 Member
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    I haven't been cheated on yet, but one thing that binds all relationships is trust. Trust is the foundation of a relation. Without it there's no hope of a relationship succeeding. And once it's broken, it can be near impossible to fix. If I was cheated on, I'd eventually forgive but I won't forget. As such, I don't think I'd stay in a relationship with someone who'd cheat on me. Trust will always be an issue and you can't be in a relationship where you're constantly second guessing everything your partner does. Always wondering what they're doing or who they're with. That's just not a good way to live. So if my girlfriend or wife cheated on, it's over, no discussion!
  • Momf3boys
    Momf3boys Posts: 1,637 Member
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    After nearly 10 years of marriage I learned that my husband had been having an affiar. It was the absolutely WORSE feeling in the world. I tried to make it work, for the sake of my children and the fact that marriage actually means something to me, which is hard to find these days. I didn't get married to get a divorce. I went to counseling for a year and I learned that I could never move forward. There was too much that I learned in that time that I could never get over. I have forgiven him but I will NEVER forget. It's a hurt that doesn't just go away. It made me extremely depressed and my self esteem was GONE. I have been divorced now for 3 years and I'm engaged to be remarried. I don't believe that sleeping with someone is a "mistake"...even if you are drunk...you make your own decisions, and if it means that you decided to drink yourself into a stooper then you are responsible for your actions the follow. I don't wish the pain of betrayal on anyone.
  • djeffreys10
    djeffreys10 Posts: 2,312 Member
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    Sure I can forgive them. But the relationship is over. I will never trust the person again. Once a cheater, always a cheater in my mind.
  • summertime_girl
    summertime_girl Posts: 3,945 Member
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    I think anyone can say whatever they want. But once you're faced with the situation, it might be a completely different story. Kids, length of time together, history, all play a part. I know some people who have come back much stronger from an affair. I also know some that have had their relationships decimated for a stupid one night stand. I can't give an across the board answer for this.
  • ladymiseryali
    ladymiseryali Posts: 2,555 Member
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    I forgave one boyfriend for cheating on me, and after him dumping me for a younger girl(I was 19 at the time, he was 18), I found out he cheated on me more than just once. I shouldn't have forgiven him. I should have just ended it the moment I found out.
  • Alatariel75
    Alatariel75 Posts: 17,959 Member
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    I think anyone can say whatever they want. But once you're faced with the situation, it might be a completely different story. Kids, length of time together, history, all play a part. I know some people who have come back much stronger from an affair. I also know some that have had their relationships decimated for a stupid one night stand. I can't give an across the board answer for this.

    I have to say, the one of the most happily married couples I know survived not only cheating but a full blown affair with him getting one of her friends pregnant and her (the now-wife) unknowingly supporting the other woman through the termination, thinking it was the other woman's ex's. This was before they got married! She forgave, they get married about 10 years ago. So some people apparently can forgive and move on.
  • gerard54
    gerard54 Posts: 1,107 Member
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    Never...
  • ashb811
    ashb811 Posts: 17
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    So someone asked if drunk cheating is less severe or comparable to sober cheating and after reading the responses I am interested if anyone could/or has forgiven a cheater? Or been forgiven? And if you think after forgiveness it's actually forgotten?


    My answer: I think you can forgive but you'll never forget and it could cause a strain on the relationship because of trust issues.

    Your answer is exactly true for me. My fiance cheated on me a few years ago before we were engaged. We're working thru it but it's a really long process and it's definitely not something I personally can forget. It's difficult but we're trying to move forward.
  • mareeee1234
    mareeee1234 Posts: 674 Member
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    Never been in the position, but I can imagine that things would just never be the same again..?

    Which would, suck.
  • theCarlton
    theCarlton Posts: 1,344 Member
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    I can forgive most things, even cheating. But I would never continue or return to a relationship with someone who cheated on me.And I refuse to play the "earning trust back" game because it never happens. I have never regretted leaving the men I left behind.
  • Celestialfairie
    Celestialfairie Posts: 134
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    I have been cheated on before... and I'll admit... at one point I've even cheated on someone.

    From my personal point of view... if you're going to cheat, there's a reason that you're doing so. And that in and of itself should be a major sign of the health and stability of the relationship.

    I know that not many are willing to speak from this side. Because let's face it; cheating is wrong. No matter the excuse. And while it has been a looooong time I'm still not exactly proud of my actions.

    But I've since learned that if I'm in a relationship where I would even remotely consider anything with someone other than the person I'm with, drunken or not, then I shouldn't be in that relationship. Period. And that finally landed me in a relationship that is extremely strong and wonderful.

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