Can you forgive a cheater?

tanashai

I guess I'm in the minority My husband and I have been through many of the things that tear relationships apart: I cheated on him early on, he had an emotional affair on me over the internet. We have a son with a disability, we have been flat broke and dealt with family drama.

I think what worked for us and made our relationship stronger despite all of the problems is that we were always able to sit down and talk about it. I've still got a few scars, but he does too and we're learning to push them to the past-learn and move on. So I guess in my case I have been able to forgive and ultimately forget and we've been stronger for it. We're both kind of old school too in that we want to be in this for the long haul XD.

But our situation is definitely not anyone else's, so I can't say for anyone else. It's working for us. May not for someone else.

patty43ck

It's hard to say "NO' unless you are in the situation. I always thought I would divorce immediately if my spouse cheated on me but it happened three years ago because we were in a very bad place and I was ready to divorce him anway. For some reason, the experience woke me up and made me realize that our relationship was worth fighting for. We have 3 kids and I did not want to lose our family. We went to counseling and discovered a lot of things about each other that we did not know before. While I know him being lonely was no excuse to cheat, I have forgiven him and decided to give him another chance. I have not forgotten though. There are days when I think about it still but it has gotten easier and we get along better now then we ever have.

MyChocolateDiet

I can totally forgive a cheater as I pack his clothes in boxes, throw bleach on them, and call him a cab. You have to forgive to move on. At least that's what the guy at church said.

InnerConflict

All of these answers are from women. I hate to say it but how many women in the world hold-out on their husbands and boyfriends and refuse to have sex with them after the relationship is 'comfortable'? You know all the jokes... After the first year of marriage you will only have sex on birthday's and anniversaries...

So you take "sex" away from your partner and are devastated when they cheat? I'm not saying it's right or condoning it in anyway, but women like that are probably the main reason men cheat. It's not just cut and dry. Have a healthy sexual relationship with your significant other and you probably won't have to worry about cheating. Sex is just as much a part of a healthy relationship as anything else. It's not always the reason for cheating but in those cases, there is more wrong with the relationship than one person being a cheater.

Well said

trophywife24

Yup; did so. I'm not very interested in being touched; husband is. It pretty much had to happen.

Wait, your husband *had* to have an affair on you because you two don't have the same sex drive?



*cricket noise*



*table flip*


NO.

Charlixoxo

I was cheated on, he was drunk, he made a mistake.

We are now living together, happily engaged and I know he'll never do it again.
It's made us stronger.

That's just us though but it is possible to forgive and forget.

ItsCasey

To my knowledge, I've never been cheated on, so I can't say for sure how I would respond to it, but I do feel like I respect myself enough that once would be too many times for me. I would truly rather be alone than be with someone I can't trust.

As for refusing to have sex after a relationship is "comfortable," girlfriends don't have any moral obligation to their boyfriends (or vice versa), where sex is concerned. For married couples, however, sex is part of the commitment you make to each other, and cutting that off is just as much a betrayal, in my opinion, as having sex with someone else.

Raynne413

I was with one of my exes for 5 years. In that time, he cheated on me at LEAST 10 times that I know of (I was young, and stupid and took him back). I can honestly say from that experience that I will NEVER stay with another person that cheats on me. It is demeaning, and painful. It makes you feel like YOU are the problem. And because of that experience, I will never be able to regain trust in someone that cheats on me once, whatever the reason.

TwinkieDong

personally I think we put too much thought into this. I think our culture makes it the unforgivable sin. While in others it is just quietly accepted. I am not saying either one is right. For me I could forgive, however things would definitely change.

TheLuSir

forgive & forget, relive & regret.

This.

BflSaberfan

I've been with the same person for 17 years. We have 2 kids together. He had a 3 week internet "affair" 3 years ago. It was the wake up call we both needed in our relationship. We had become roommates. That was the hardest thing I ever had to go through but I am a better woman because of it and our marriage has never been better.

With that said, the trust is not 100% back, maybe it never will be....he certainly doesn't expect it to be. But once the affair came to light we both had decisions to make and we both decided to give it our all, if we failed at least for our children we can say we tried. 3 years later I can honestly say I am happy.


PS If you would have asked me 10 minutes before I found out if I would have ever forgiven a cheater I would have told you 100% no, no way, never. Once I was in those shoes and had to make choices it was very different and as with any mom, my kids were my first thought. He is a good man, always worked hard for us, excellent father....he made a mistake. A lapse in judgement that hurt me badly - a mistake he still beats himself up for 3 years later. He is human and I love him regardless of the mistake.

MrsBobaFett

No no and no, off with their nether regions! There are simply no excuses, if you are not happy enough with someone to commit to them then leave, don't be a douche and break their heart..

I_Will_End_You

No no and no, off with their nether regions! There are simply no excuses, if you are not happy enough with someone to commit to them then leave, don't be a douche and break their heart..

Not to mention put their physical health in danger (as well as emotional).

BuffyEat2Live

I would like to say that if he came to me immediately and begged for forgiveness then I could forgive and move forward (with counseling, probably!). But I really am not sure...

I think that if someone makes a drunken mistake and it truly was a one-time event and it really will NEVER happen again, then it could be the less selfish thing to NEVER tell your partner about it. Let the guilt consume you... then again, honesty is so important...

Oh, never mind. I guess that I don't really have a firm opinion on this matter yet, and should not have responded.

selina884

Pushovers forgive.

BflSaberfan

Pushovers forgive.

when I was making my decision to stay or leave, the thought crossed my mind that others would view me as weak, then I realized if I made my decisions based on someone else's opinion of me THAT would make me weak.

InnerConflict

Pushovers forgive.

when I was making my decision to stay or leave, the thought crossed my mind that others would view me as weak, then I realized if I made my decisions based on someone else's opinion of me THAT would make me weak.

Well put. Although some of the posts have come from women that have been in your shoes, most of them are coming from women that haven't had to encounter the difficult decision.

If my wife comes home today and tells me she had an affair, I am pretty sure I am not going to throw bleach on her clothes and put her out of the house. What is best for my child will definitely factor in on my decision.

Becoming_A_Butterfly

It's not a question of whether I can forgive the cheater. Even if I forgave the cheater, the relationship is still over. I am not going to sell myself short by accepting such disrespect and betrayal and staying in a lie of a relationship.

hbrittingham

What if you found out about a one time affair ten years later? I just mean to say it is very different for each situation.

I think for me it would be, if they cheated when the two of you are happy and things are good, then that person just can't be intimate emotionally and you're not going to have a satisfying relationship you can trust.

If they cheat when things are bad, on the rocks, distant, un-involved- then they have communication issues that could be worked through, possibly, maybe, if both parties want to and things improve. I don't think it feels like you're being unfaithful or hurtful if you feel really removed from the person- but there's something wrong that you could allow so much distance to come into the relationship.

Overall though, serial cheater? They just don't respect a relationship or themselves, so that's never going to work.

My husband and I were at the point of talking about divorce a year ago. We were in that bad of a place in our marriage. Even though we were just "roommates" at the time, neither of us cheated on the other.

With counseling, we worked through our issues and are more in love than ever. But I can tell you that if he had cheated on me at that point, we would not still be together. I know myself well enough to know that I would never be able to forget and it would eat at me for the rest of my life, because that's how I am. That would have made both of us miserable.

CyeRyn

My simple answer: nope. Being cheated on is never forgivable. You can perhaps work with your significant other and get past it, but it is never a forgivable circumstance. In my opinion a relationship is based on trust, honesty, and compromise. Once you take away one of those, it all tumbles down. (Perhaps I'm a little biased too since I have been cheated on in my past. I've never once forgiven.)

BflSaberfan

Pushovers forgive.

when I was making my decision to stay or leave, the thought crossed my mind that others would view me as weak, then I realized if I made my decisions based on someone else's opinion of me THAT would make me weak.

Well put. Although some of the posts have come from women that have been in your shoes, most of them are coming from women that haven't had to encounter the difficult decision.

If my wife comes home today and tells me she had an affair, I am pretty sure I am not going to throw bleach on her clothes and put her out of the house. What is best for my child will definitely factor in on my decision.

The day I found out I came home from work and packed everything he owned, I even took every picture of him within arms reach and put it all in black garbage bags (i wasn't giving him the suitcases) I even threw his playstation 3 and games, literally tossed into a bag as well. He came home and found his things, I told him to get out and he left for 3 days. Over those 3 days I realized that was not what I wanted. and It was pretty apparent that it was not what he wanted either. The kids were absolutely broken, I didn't know if I could ever forgive him but I knew my babies were worth trying to.

patty43ck

I've been with the same person for 17 years. We have 2 kids together. He had a 3 week internet "affair" 3 years ago. It was the wake up call we both needed in our relationship. We had become roommates. That was the hardest thing I ever had to go through but I am a better woman because of it and our marriage has never been better.

With that said, the trust is not 100% back, maybe it never will be....he certainly doesn't expect it to be. But once the affair came to light we both had decisions to make and we both decided to give it our all, if we failed at least for our children we can say we tried. 3 years later I can honestly say I am happy.


PS If you would have asked me 10 minutes before I found out if I would have ever forgiven a cheater I would have told you 100% no, no way, never. Once I was in those shoes and had to make choices it was very different and as with any mom, my kids were my first thought. He is a good man, always worked hard for us, excellent father....he made a mistake. A lapse in judgement that hurt me badly - a mistake he still beats himself up for 3 years later. He is human and I love him regardless of the mistake.

Your situation souds identical to mine! I really do think it depends on the situation and the person. I always thought I would be the person to leave but some things are just worth fighting for especially if the person that cheated has true remorse and there are children involved. I can also say that if he ever cheated again it would be the end. Fool me once shame on you...fool me twice shame on me.

WannaDizzolve

i forgave mine, but i never fully trusted him again. and he lost a lot of my respect. it was a long road back to anything more than basic civility. now i forgive them, as i'm kicking them to the curb. the forgiveness part is for my sanity. i know that relationshops are difficult and it's easy to give in to the temptation of cheating as a way to deal with the unresolved issues, but i don't cheat and that's what i expect from my beloved...

BflSaberfan

I've been with the same person for 17 years. We have 2 kids together. He had a 3 week internet "affair" 3 years ago. It was the wake up call we both needed in our relationship. We had become roommates. That was the hardest thing I ever had to go through but I am a better woman because of it and our marriage has never been better.

With that said, the trust is not 100% back, maybe it never will be....he certainly doesn't expect it to be. But once the affair came to light we both had decisions to make and we both decided to give it our all, if we failed at least for our children we can say we tried. 3 years later I can honestly say I am happy.


PS If you would have asked me 10 minutes before I found out if I would have ever forgiven a cheater I would have told you 100% no, no way, never. Once I was in those shoes and had to make choices it was very different and as with any mom, my kids were my first thought. He is a good man, always worked hard for us, excellent father....he made a mistake. A lapse in judgement that hurt me badly - a mistake he still beats himself up for 3 years later. He is human and I love him regardless of the mistake.

Your situation souds identical to mine! I really do think it depends on the situation and the person. I always thought I would be the person to leave but some things are just worth fighting for especially if the person that cheated has true remorse and there are children involved. I can also say that if he ever cheated again it would be the end. Fool me once shame on you...fool me twice shame on me.

Absolutely, he knows i cannot go through that again and I do remind him from time to time still - a second time would show a pattern and a serial cheater in my opinion is a whole different ball game, one I dont want to play.

digitalbill

Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Maybe not today, tomorrow, or next year but, it WILL happen again.

meltingmama1965

Well i'm talking from exsperience on this subject. My husband and I have been married for 8 yrs and he cheated on me with my exbest friend. I cant trust him yet and it has been 1 yr that he has done this. I know it will take time but i dont think i will ever trust him again. but i can forgive him with god help. I do hope he dont do it again and i look at his phone all the time and if i see him go on his computer i go look see what he is doing.
So far he has been good so your all probley wondering why im still with him. Well i love him very much and he has a son that i help raise. This son has autism and dont like change so im trying to work it out and be a productive family.

writetomab

If it happened to me then there is no way I can forgive someone no matter what the circumstances were so I would have to call it a day. But we are all different and we all handle life's difficulties in our own way... if the person who was hurt truly believes that their partner was sorry and regrets what they have done and would never do it again then its up to the individual to determine if they can forgive and move on.

drchimpanzee

I don't have a problem with dishonesty. I just think to myself, "Why the heck did they believe me?"

TheEffort

I could forgive but I know once you forgive you truly have to let go and not bring that back up again because like you said the not trusting will cause a strain

Exactly.

lloydrt

I can say, I dont cheat, wont ever ever ever put myself in a situation to lose my other half.............

I would die before I would inflict pain on my partner, its not worht the few minutes of sexual pleasure...........its really not