Is it your responsibility to stay in shape for your S/O...

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Replies

  • alisonlynn1976
    alisonlynn1976 Posts: 929 Member
    I think it is to some extent, if you want to keep the sexual spark in the relationship. It can be taken too far ("stay within this narrow weight range or I will immediately dump you"), but on the other hand, it's unrealistic to expect your partner to stay equally attracted to you if you now look completely different than when you got together.
  • wolfpack77
    wolfpack77 Posts: 655
    Still only doing it for myself. They can leave if they aren't attracted anymore. Their loss.

    So you don't believe you have a responsibility in maintaining your S/O's sexual interest?
    No.

    Narcissistic much?
  • SmartAlec03211988
    SmartAlec03211988 Posts: 1,896 Member
    Still only doing it for myself. They can leave if they aren't attracted anymore. Their loss.

    So you don't believe you have a responsibility in maintaining your S/O's sexual interest?
    No.
    What is your opinion if the shoe's on the other foot? Would you expect your partner to stay in decent shape? If not, would you be able to honestly remain attracted despite it?

    I'm not taking a dig, just curious about this POV.
    That's assuming they're already in decent shape. Perhaps they're not?

    Assuming they are, no I wouldn't expect them to stay in decent shape. Whether I'd still be attracted to them is not a simple yes or no. I might, or I might not. If I weren't, I'd have to be honest with them why, and go from there.
  • maillemaker
    maillemaker Posts: 1,253 Member
    Here's the thing:

    No matter what you do, one day, you too will grow old and ugly.

    Your marriage has to have more to it than just physical attraction, because that won't last forever.

    That said, it's sad when you get fat and ugly before your time. But them's the breaks. It was going to happen eventually anyway.
  • Tiffyholli
    Tiffyholli Posts: 92 Member
    I stay in shape for myself & for my boyfriend, he appreciates it & sex is way better when your fit & healthy.
  • KylerJaye
    KylerJaye Posts: 861 Member
    But I believe that physical attraction is critical to a healthy romantic relationship, and sex is most definitely critical to a healthy marriage. Obviously, as you age, things are going to change about your body (wrinkles, gray hair, pregnancy, etc.), and that's fine. But there is no excuse for gaining a dramatic amount of weight and expecting your spouse to continue on like nothing has changed. People always say "If your husband/wife loved you, they shouldn't care." Well, if YOU loved him/her, why would you gain 50 lbs and act like that doesn't affect some key areas of your relationship?

    this.
    my S/O has gained about 35lbs since we started dating (all in his mid-section), and fully broadcasts how he's let himself go since we moved in together.
    i'm so sick of hearing "if you loved him, you wouldn't care"
    F-that.
    i've always been physically attracted to tall slender men.
    i would like to be able to have sex with my S/O and actually be super into it because i'm turned on by both him and his body (which is how it used to be). what is so wrong with that???
    he's said to me how he doesn't care if i gain weight or whatnot because he's dated all types and sizes in the past.
    i care.
    i don't track my food and all that fun stuff because i'm bored and need something else to do.
    he needs to care too.
  • Cadori
    Cadori Posts: 4,810 Member
    Do you believe you have a responsibility to be as good in bed for them as possible?

    Absolutely. Since that is an activity I want reserved for me, then I'm going to be as good at it as possible and engage in it as frequently as possible.
    Do you believe you have any responsibility for their happiness in any area?

    Yes. We can't force anyone to be happy and things like stress and depression can hinder happiness, but if both parties focus on what they're putting into the relationship vs what they're getting out of it, it makes for a pretty happy one.
  • Mmmmona
    Mmmmona Posts: 328 Member
    Not in my case. I was fat when we got together so any weight I lose is just a bonus for him.
  • zyxst
    zyxst Posts: 9,149 Member
    No. Married people don't have sex with each other.
  • trophywife24
    trophywife24 Posts: 1,472 Member
    Comparing not caring about yourself physically after you are in a relationship is not even remotely the same thing as getting into an accident, getting ill, etc. How is that even comparable? No, and no. Also... no.
  • ravenstar25
    ravenstar25 Posts: 126 Member
    It is absolutely not your responsibility to stay in shape for your SO. That's a ludicrous notion. Anyone who says their marriage broke up because the other person was out of shape is either avoiding a discussion about what the real problems in the marriage were, or they are a shallow jerk.
  • Afura
    Afura Posts: 2,054 Member
    ...to keep them sexually attracted?

    Or should they just accept you as you are?

    I was reading a thread earlier about some spouses letting themselves go after marriage and it struck me as odd. I have always subscribed to the former. Your thoughts?

    You should stay in shape for you, and the side benefit is you stay attractive to your spouse. Ultimately though, they should accept you for who you are, otherwise, they really just married you for the looks.
  • 5n0wbal1
    5n0wbal1 Posts: 429 Member
    I don't necessarily know what you "should" do per se, but part of the reason I'm getting in shape is for my husband. It's not the whole reason, and if I did let myself go, I wouldn't expect him to love me any less.
  • ravenstar25
    ravenstar25 Posts: 126 Member
    Marriage isn't about "mutual sexual attraction". It's about responsibility and committment. If you can't understand that, you shouldn't get married.

    Would you divorce your spouse because they became ill, bedridden, and thus flabby and "unattractive"? Then don't marry, you're not mature enough to do so.
  • brower47
    brower47 Posts: 16,356 Member
    This is an interesting thread that clearly defines the idealists from the realists.
  • chesq77
    chesq77 Posts: 270 Member
    i think its your responsibility to yourself to look and feel the best you can for your s/o and to anyone else in general.
  • GeekyGirlLyn
    GeekyGirlLyn Posts: 238 Member
    I also think staying in shape for yourself so you feel attractive and sexy is what makes you sexy and attractive for your SO. If your insecure, shy, unwilling to be sexy because of weight and shape then you wont be sexy for your SO either.
  • ironanimal
    ironanimal Posts: 5,922 Member
    Marriage isn't about "mutual sexual attraction". It's about responsibility and committment. If you can't understand that, you shouldn't get married.

    Would you divorce your spouse because they became ill, bedridden, and thus flabby and "unattractive"? Then don't marry, you're not mature enough to do so.
    Do you disagree that mutual sexual attraction plays an important role in marriage?
  • GymBeast2
    GymBeast2 Posts: 81
    I stay in shape for my boyfriend.
    I don't care what my husband thinks.


    OOOhhhhhhhh Snap!

    Love this hahaha Had me rolling!
  • Elif84
    Elif84 Posts: 287 Member
    I joked with my husband and told him that I would let myself go after our wedding, and broke that promise. I'm selfish, I work out and eat healthy for myself, not to please anyone's eye.
  • whierd
    whierd Posts: 14,025 Member
    It is absolutely not your responsibility to stay in shape for your SO. That's a ludicrous notion. Anyone who says their marriage broke up because the other person was out of shape is either avoiding a discussion about what the real problems in the marriage were, or they are a shallow jerk.

    So you don't believe that loss of sexual interest can affect the self-esteem of one or both in the relationship to arise, causing problems to be created in other areas as a result?
  • ShellyBell999
    ShellyBell999 Posts: 1,482 Member
    I stay in shape for myself.


    My S/O is just the fortunate recipient.
  • wineplease
    wineplease Posts: 469 Member
    But I believe that physical attraction is critical to a healthy romantic relationship, and sex is most definitely critical to a healthy marriage
    First of all, I think it is your responsibility to stay HEALTHY for your s/o and children. Once you have a family, you have people who depend on you. This has absolutely nothing to do with physical attraction and/or a sex life, though.

    If all it takes is gaining 50lbs for your spouse to no longer be physically attracted to you, there's far more going on in your marriage than weight gain.
    But there is no excuse for gaining a dramatic amount of weight and expecting your spouse to continue on like nothing has changed.
    There are plenty of reasons (you call them excuses) to gain weight as we age. A healthy marriage should absolutely continue in the same way before the weight gain.
    Well, if YOU loved him/her, why would you gain 50 lbs and act like that doesn't affect some key areas of your relationship?
    My gaining 50 lbs has nothing to do with how much I do or don't love my husband.
  • GymBeast2
    GymBeast2 Posts: 81
    And now I honest answer.

    You should stay in shape (healthy) for you. Just don't go the route my DH (darling husband) is. He is in this belief that he can let himself go now that he is 40. "I'm past my prime" he says. I get it, round is a shape, but come on. If I see your jeans are getting tight around the middle, you are putting on weight. Physical I'm not to fond of grabbing moobs that might be bigger then mine. ugh!!
  • servilia
    servilia Posts: 3,452 Member
    Yes it's important to stay sexually attractive.
  • MercenaryNoetic26
    MercenaryNoetic26 Posts: 2,747 Member
    ... it's about self respect.

    I agree with this, too. I would lose respect for my man if out of the blue he stopped being himself and became a lazy bum. It is your responsibility to be true to yourself and remain that exciting, sexy person your s/o fell in love with.

    Why should your partner respect you if you can't respect yourself enough to put forth an effort at being healthy and active? In sickness and health doesn't mean in "laziness and sloth".
  • ItsCasey
    ItsCasey Posts: 4,021 Member
    It is absolutely not your responsibility to stay in shape for your SO. That's a ludicrous notion. Anyone who says their marriage broke up because the other person was out of shape is either avoiding a discussion about what the real problems in the marriage were, or they are a shallow jerk.

    So you don't believe that loss of sexual interest can affect the self-esteem of one or both in the relationship to arise, causing problems to be created in other areas as a result?

    This is what never gets said. It's all about "I can do whatever I want, and my spouse should love me anyway." Okay, so if you gain a lot of weight and you're no longer interested in sex because you can barely stand to see yourself naked, let alone allow your spouse to see you that way, what do you think that does to his/her self-esteem and sense of happiness and well-being? Do you care about that at all? Your weight gain is not all about you. And don't even act like it wasn't a "real problem" that CAUSED you to gain weight in the first place. You didn't just wake up one day and go "I want to be fat, and everyone else will just have to accept that."
  • SmartAlec03211988
    SmartAlec03211988 Posts: 1,896 Member
    Still only doing it for myself. They can leave if they aren't attracted anymore. Their loss.

    So you don't believe you have a responsibility in maintaining your S/O's sexual interest?
    No.

    Do you believe you have a responsibility to be as good in bed for them as possible?

    And as a second question:

    Do you believe you have any responsibility for their happiness in any area?

    Not as the primary responsible party, but at all.
    The thing is, I'm handicapped. That handicap pretty much puts a halt on almost any type of "bed activities," or at the least severely complicates them, so anyone I happen to be with would know this ahead of time. That said, you bet I would do as best I could in that department for them.

    And yes, I would agree that I would have a responsibility for their happiness in some degree, as they would of mine.
  • mmddwechanged
    mmddwechanged Posts: 1,687 Member
    It is absolutely not your responsibility to stay in shape for your SO. That's a ludicrous notion. Anyone who says their marriage broke up because the other person was out of shape is either avoiding a discussion about what the real problems in the marriage were, or they are a shallow jerk.

    So you don't believe that loss of sexual interest can affect the self-esteem of one or both in the relationship to arise, causing problems to be created in other areas as a result?

    Yes, if my spouse didn't find me sexually attractive, I would feel rejected and it could affect my self esteem, but just like I am responsible for my own happiness, ultimately I am also responsible for my self-esteem.
  • k8blujay2
    k8blujay2 Posts: 4,941 Member
    In my opinion, what does that say about a person if they are working towards being/staying fit for people other than themselves? I don't try keeping to a healthy diet or exercising for my husband and neither does he for me... BUT we do it because we want to be healthy for ourselves... Looking good naked for each other is just a bonus.

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