Open Relationships?

It makes me sad that so many people think that their standard issue commitment definition must be used by everyone else, even though they KNOW that everyone is different.

Just because someone didnt sign a paper and say a bunch of words in front of a big dressed up audience who is mostly there for the food/alcohol and to socialize amongst themselves, doesnt mean that they arent in love or arent committed.

In fact, being quietly genuinely committed, without all that circus chaos and hubbub, just a quiet knowledge between two people, without the paper to make it true, without the wedding album, without the million ways of proving it to the world... seems more intimate and beautiful to me. Especially if you aren't restrained by necessary exclusivity because its the law and your man says so, but because you just dont want anyone else.

To me thats love. Not throwing a bouquet and laughingly bemoaning the fact that you dont have to date anymore.

Don't you know that mfp generally consists of the most absolute moralistic folks in the world? That said, the sheep need to get over themselves.

It works if folks are mature enough to handle it.
We aren't swingers, per se, but we are rather open. We've been happily married for 12 years. Things like that tend to spice up a couple's sex life if it gets in a rut.

To me, sex is just sex and adding a third or fourth to the mix just makes more sex.

its not that we werent mature enough to handle it, if something is hurting us we need to fix because over all this strange coming our way WE ALWAYS COME FIRST

I understand. You are SO YOUNG though. You need to be in a real strong relationship first. You are lucky that you are able to stick together and work on yours. So many others are not that strong.

our relationship is strong weve been together 5 years now and when this was going on it was our 4th year I dont understand why people assume our relationship isnt strong because hes 25 and im 24

I agree with Nicki. It's not immature people who are in committed monogamous relationships. If anyone is immature it's the ones who get married then cheat even if it is cheating with permission. Also like Nicki, I was 19 when I started dating my husband so we had been together for 5 years when I was her age too. That was 18 years ago.

As for all the anecdotes, they're just that. For every marriage that makes it work far more don't. I can tell you stories about women who married their boyfriend after he knocked her up when she was 15 and they made it work. I can tell stories of couples with 40 year age differences who made it work. Hell, there are even some Hollywood couples who have been together over 30 years. But a story doesn't mean it's the norm. It could be 1 in a million.

Really though, why even bother getting married at all if you want to f* around?

Monogamy is a CHOICE. It is not our nature to be monogamous.

I choose to be monogamous with my husband and he with I. But it definitely is not the nature of humans as the animal beings we are.

I don't see the point of being in a relationship if you're gonna swing. It's like you want something else but are afraid to leave the security of that relationship. My aunt and her husband started an open relationship b/c the husband was creeping and my aunt was desperate to hold on to him and get revenge. It didn't go well at all and it was for all the wrong reasons.

To each his/her own but I personally am too selfish and too jealous and I've always been a loyal GF/wife so it wouldn't work for me and I've been completely unable to wrap my head around the purpose of it...

I'd need to come first.

Heh.

I'd need to come first.

Heh.

Haha, I didn't even catch that!

It’s not for me personally but if other folks want to try it out that’s for them to decide.

That said, I’ve never known anyone who’s tried one and managed to stay together. Doesn’t mean it never happens, but I think it’s probably quite rare. It’s far too risky. It’s much more likely to make things not work than make you happier with each other.

I haven't read all of the replies, but such a relationship would not be for me. I don't even like sharing office supplies, and I sure as hell am not sharing my husband.

ETA: However, I don't care what anyone else does. As long as it's all consensual and everyone involved in the relationship is in agreement, do whatever floats your boat!

this forum is probably not the best place to ask for advice on this topic, lol - you'll get dogpiled. i didn't read through the entire thread, but you probably already have.

i was in open relationships for many years. my fiancé and i met while we were both seeing several other people. my experience is that there are people who can have an open relationship without trashing their current commitments; and there are many other people who want to but can't, and still more who don't have the first clue how their actions are affecting others.

my fiancé and i gave it up because we were tired of how much WORK it is. you really, honestly have to believe it's worth it and be prepared to deal with emotional drama all the time at the drop of a hat.

I could never do it. First off, as a military wife it would just give us GOOD FAITHFUL ones even more of a bad rap. It's bad enough military wives get labeled for all being hoes. Secondly, I love my husband too much to throw our vows down the line. Last time I checked swinging may as well be like cheating and my vows certainly didn't mention that's okay. Lastly, it may be for some people, but honestly if you are going to have an open relationship than you may as well just "date around" so no one gets hurt. People say they don't get hurt but psychologically, we can only handle so much.

First of all, just to clear up some issues: If someone is pressuring you into opening up the relationship, of course it's going to fail, and fail badly. Because (in my oh so humble opinion) that person wants to fool around with someone else. There's already issues in your relationship. It's supposed to be fun for both parties - not just one. Don't freaking do it. (Duh.)

Saying that couples that are open are immature, don't really want *real* relationships, are just cheaters/bad people (and my favorite, disease riddled and NASTY!) all around - thank you for that judgement. 'Preciate your kindness and tolerance for something you know hardly anything about.

And as for if they 'last' - well. What's the US percentage on divorce? 40-53%? It doesn't seem like a lot of relationships are lasting - maybe due to someone cheating, maybe due to incompatibility, who knows. I'm not sure it's fair to say that they are flimsy when it seems that /most/ marriages these days are flimsy.

I'm in an open relationship - we're poly. Josh and I've been together for over 10 years - friends first, then we dated. My first serious relationship was not with him but he was there for me when it went *kitten* up. I knew he was poly when I met him, and we were both 'single' when we cemented our relationship. I wasn't poly, but it wasn't long before I met a friend of his, and then another friend - and the rest is history. We both have strong relationships outside of our /very/ strong one. There is no 'cheating', there is nothing sordid or gross about it.

Honestly, we are one big family - I like Josh's 'husband', and treat him with respect and love - and he does the same for me. Our families get together during the year, we celebrate holidays, and we've got kids. It's our 'normal', and there's nothing wrong with it.

I guess we're just wired that way - and some people aren't, and that's okay too.

Oh - and it goes without saying that we have strong communication, and our trust levels are at supernatural heights. But these values are intrinsic for any relationship, not just poly ones. And we do keep it on the 'down low' - my mom knows, and our kid knows, but the outside world at large does not.

I am not in an open relationship, but I fully respect those who are, and I definitely understand the point of polyamory. Wanna be in one? You have my full blessing. Just don't be stupid.

For example: say one person in a loving, committed relationship had never, say, "played the field" or "tested the waters" before entering into that loving, committed relationship. And every so often, that person made mention of that fact. Say the other person DID play the field beforehand, and completely understood the others' thoughts and feelings on the matter. Would it be wrong to let the less experienced person out on a controlled leash to experience other people?

No, I don't believe so. I think that if both parties are comfortable with the idea and the people the inexperienced person chooses to experiment with, I think that is fine.

To the OP it appears you have already made your decision as you are replying to and agreeing with the the ones that are for the open relationships. Why would it matter what anybody on MFP said anyway? If they all said no would you decide not to do it? I cant imagine it is a good idea. Like others have said there are other ways to spice up a relationship. I dont know if you have children or not but if so I would be more concerned about what they would think if they found out. Also sex is not just sex. It is a very intimate thing shared between two people that love each other when it is inside a marraige. Maybe when you are 20 years old sleeping around then sex is just sex but not when you felt strongly enough about the person you are with to make a lifetime commitment. Last time I checked marriage vows didnt state till death do we part......or until we become boring in the bedroom. Marraiges fail every day for various reasons...it happens. People cheat, fall out of love, get married too young, etc. I just feel this is another sure fire reason to eventually divorce. If you do have children would you want their significant other sleeping with others when they become bored? You asked opinions and this is mine. Sorry if it upsets you.

Kids deserve a stable environment, so if you have kids or plan on having kids, leave your alternative lifestyle at the door. Having sex with other people is for single people, not married people. If the relationship is good, then you don't need anyone else in it. Sounds like it is his idea not yours. If you have to ask a bunch of strangers about a personal decision, then you already know it is not for you. I have been married for 15 years and i have never wanted to be with anyone else, even when I was fantasizing about hitting my hubby over the head with a frying pan. Even when things weren't clicking in the bedroom. The unique thing about marriage and commitment is that you work through those things or wait them out. Sticking through the ups and downs together deepens your relationship in a way you can't describe until you live it. You both made a commitment to only be with each other - for the rest of your lives. There is magic, meaning, and poetry in that. Committed relationships are like diamonds, pressure treated gems that come from nothing valuable, then valuable because they are rare.

i fink diz fin, u GOTT2 uze contresepsion tho wich bad. lds mormon sey dat u cn av multipal wivs BUT u cant uze contreseption. so b prepard tio have babes. if u nt prepard to av babes den u gota stay wiv ur husbend. Simplez

kelly x

No offense, BUT PLEASE USE PROPER GRAMMAR AND SPELLING. My brain hurts trying to decipher this.

I think this person is a troll.