Men, would you let your wife be a surrogate mother?

Men, would you let your wife be a surrogate mother? Ladies, if you really wanted to be a surrogate mother for someone and your husband wouldn't let you, would you do it anyways? I am asking because I have a friend who is going through this and some of you usually gives great advice.

Um... my wife is her own person. She does what she wants, and so do I. That's how our relationship works, anyway. My understanding of any relationship is that it is not a contract or a condition of one possessing the other - and frankly, I'd be skeeved if my significant other were always asking me permission for things.

But then again, maybe the way I see things is contributing to that 'masculinity crisis' I've heard so much about...

I hope your wife knows, she is married to a fantastic man. Kudos!

I don't understand why the couple wanting a child couldn't adopt. There are plenty of children and babies already born that need homes.

I understand your point- but sometimes couples really want a child that is their own- and with surrogacy- the child can be.

To the gentleman who thinks IVF and invitro are unnatural, I would invite him to consider that 100 years ago condoms were thought of as unnatural and 60 years ago the pill was not regularly taken and not even legal.

All of those are unnatural. There's really no way to argue that.

And this is true. Is a condom "natural"?

Maybe if you just get some rubber/latex from a rubber plant and throw it over your nob...lol! hahahaha oh dear MFP is really getting full of nonsense.

*just in case I did get the sarcasm!*

That sounds like a dysfunctional relationship, if my husband didn't 'let' me do something, I would be gone, marriage is a partnership, it involves compromise, not commands. Thankfully I married someone who believes that too.
sounds like they need therapy.

That sounds like a dysfunctional relationship, if my husband didn't 'let' me do something, I would be gone, marriage is a partnership, it involves compromise, not commands. Thankfully I married someone who believes that too.
sounds like they need therapy.

This.

I don't ask my husbands permission to do anything. I cringe when I hear people talk about their relationships where one of them "lets" the other do something...

That sounds like a dysfunctional relationship, if my husband didn't 'let' me do something, I would be gone, marriage is a partnership, it involves compromise, not commands. Thankfully I married someone who believes that too.
sounds like

Carrying a child isn't exactly on par with people not letting their partners go out with friends or something.

Married or not my man doesn’t “let” me do anything anymore than I “let” him do anything.

That said, becoming pregnant is a big decision that affects both people in a relationship, so we’d talk about it and come to a decision together. That’s what being in a partnership/marriage is about.

That sounds like a dysfunctional relationship, if my husband didn't 'let' me do something, I would be gone, marriage is a partnership, it involves compromise, not commands. Thankfully I married someone who believes that too.
sounds like

Carrying a child isn't exactly on par with people not letting their partners go out with friends or something.

Im JUST gonna throw this out there i ask my finace before i do something that i believe will effect us both in ANYway that includes going to dinner, picking curtains, and carrying someone elses child. He extends to me the same curtiousy, a relationship isnt a power struggle its about sharing your life with another person. Being entangled with another being should make it hard to see outside of yourself, its about compromise and living life FOR and WITH eachother...my opinion.

Agree completely. Seems a lot of women here feel they can do whatever they like with no regard for their partner, though.

That sounds like a dysfunctional relationship, if my husband didn't 'let' me do something, I would be gone, marriage is a partnership, it involves compromise, not commands. Thankfully I married someone who believes that too.
sounds like

Carrying a child isn't exactly on par with people not letting their partners go out with friends or something.

Im JUST gonna throw this out there i ask my finace before i do something that i believe will effect us both in ANYway that includes going to dinner, picking curtains, and carrying someone elses child. He extends to me the same curtiousy, a relationship isnt a power struggle its about sharing your life with another person. Being entangled with another being should make it hard to see outside of yourself, its about compromise and living life FOR and WITH eachother...my opinion.

Agree completely. Seems a lot of women here feel they can do whatever they like with no regard for their partner, though.

A discussion and good communication about it would be important, but ultimately it would come down to the decision of that particular person. I would say the exact same thing if the tables were turned.

ETA: I think it's the use of the word "let" that has drawn a reaction like this. It's degrading on either side, whether it's a husband or wife. I don't "let" my dog on the couch. I think if the title had been "would you be comfortable with your wife becoming a surrogate mother", responses might be different.

Ooh I think this thread has touched a few raw nerves.

I can totally understand how women (and men) who cannot have children feel about this... it is devestating being told that you cannot have children, even if you did not want to have them. As a result, I can understand that if for some reason, you have had the opportunity to have children taken away from you, you may wish to have them by some other means.

If your friend geniunely wants to help this person out by giving them the opporunity to have a child then I think that her husband should support her in that. I understand that it is a big decision, and that it affects the whole family unit, but I can guarantee that for the couple you are acting as a surrogate for, there can be no bigger gift.

I personally would do it, if I was able and knew someone who needed it for the simple reason that if I were in the same situation, I would want someone to do that for me.

If her OH won't support her after explaining all the reasons why she wants to do it, then he must have some kind of emotional reason for it and might need counselling to sort out his issues with himself. I do not believe in today's modern society, a man could really be upset because you are carrying another man's child (not by sleeping with him but by insemination)... that is ridiculous.

Wish your friend all the best, I have nothing but respect for her and her willingness to be a good person.

Lone_Wolf70: I think you need to look up IVF.....they are not creating a baby from thin air you moron! Its the same exact thing as conceiving "naturally" except for where it happens.

Reported

I'm glad you reported that; it gets me very annoyed when people stoop to that level just because they disagree with a view-point.

After reading these posts and thinking about it, I have to agree that surrogacy isn't natural or ideal. I can respect that other people's decision to do it though. I also have to agree that adopting is a better option, and far more noble. Unfortunately, it can be difficult to adopt a new-born baby; lots of hoops and sometimes expensive and heart-breaking (the mother can change her mind).

However, there are lots of older children in the foster system that are relatively easy to adopt, but perhaps it can be loosely compared to adopting a puppy; older children aren't as "cute" and may have behavioural problems (not that it's their fault!). I wish more people would consider giving those children a chance. Speaking from experience, my step-father was the greatest blessing in my life. I didn't start living with him until I was 14 and I was a complete nightmare from the experience of living with my father and his second wife, but he took me under his wing, treated me with love and respect and we had a wonderful relationship. Not totally the same, but a person CAN love a child that isn't biologically their own, and thank god that a few of us messed up kids get blessed with someone like that.

Why on earth did you report that? It's the truth! You're just implanting an egg into a uterus. It's completely natural except for the "host" of the fetus isn't the "real" mother.

And Adoption isn't always the greatest thing. I know of TWO people who have adopted kids who were not baies when they were taken in and they are so screwed up it was ridiculous! you don't know what you are getting with older kids. One of the people I know is at wits end with his eldest adopted kid. Military school and a school where the child would get constant counseling is too expensive (military school is twenty grand a year. The other is seventy five!) he is close to just giving the kid back because he can't handle it.

Are you ready to handle a child whose mom was a crack *kitten* and wHo was left alone since they were two and the only thing they understand is know to fend for themselves? Are you prepared to put up with the lying and stealing of said child because they were self sufficient for so long, because their brains missed the important cognizant development that a child that age goes through that they now have of concept of right or wrong? If you think I am spewing a load of **** then go talk to my neighbor who had to give up his niece because of that. Or the other two people I know wo are in similar situations.

There is a reason people want babies when they adopt. It's not the age that makes older kids undesireable it's the baggage and the uncertainty of what you are going to get.

If being a surrogate is that important to a woman and her husband doesn't want to "allow" her, then ultimately the relationship is going to fail because the priorities aren't the same. It's not quite the same as a man impregnating another woman, but ultimately if he wanted to get a vasectomy, it should be his decision and no one else's.

I agree to an extent. My only point is that in a good relationship, both should work toward an agreement. I find that often women hold a double standard to men where they use sex and there bodies against their husbands and think that's fine but when the men do it, they are the devil.

Lone_Wolf70: I think you need to look up IVF.....they are not creating a baby from thin air you moron! Its the same exact thing as conceiving "naturally" except for where it happens.

Reported

I'm glad you reported that; it gets me very annoyed when people stoop to that level just because they disagree with a view-point.

After reading these posts and thinking about it, I have to agree that surrogacy isn't natural or ideal. I can respect that other people's decision to do it though. I also have to agree that adopting is a better option, and far more noble. Unfortunately, it can be difficult to adopt a new-born baby; lots of hoops and sometimes expensive and heart-breaking (the mother can change her mind).

However, there are lots of older children in the foster system that are relatively easy to adopt, but perhaps it can be loosely compared to adopting a puppy; older children aren't as "cute" and may have behavioural problems (not that it's their fault!). I wish more people would consider giving those children a chance. Speaking from experience, my step-father was the greatest blessing in my life. I didn't start living with him until I was 14 and I was a complete nightmare from the experience of living with my father and his second wife, but he took me under his wing, treated me with love and respect and we had a wonderful relationship. Not totally the same, but a person CAN love a child that isn't biologically their own, and thank god that a few of us messed up kids get blessed with someone like that.

Do you know what the failure rate is on adoptions of older children? It's 23%. I'm totally impressed by people who do and would never want to discourage someone from doing it, but to act like it's the same as the difference between adopting a puppy and an older dog is ludicris.

I'm not trying to be ludicrous at all. There shouldn't be a "failure" rate on adoption; it's called a lifelong COMMITMENT, imo. No, it's not the same as a puppy and I knew someone would be all freaked out over that, so I should have put it differently. So, does everyone think they are going to be able to avoid all these difficult things when they raise their own children from the start??? I can tell you, with experience, that it just ain't so.