???? for the ladies in long term relationships.
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You shouldn't have to put up with this. One thing i can NOT stand is drunk driving. The fact that he's making that an everyday kind of thing would anger me very much if i was in your situation. That could lead to him becoming an alcoholic which will make things all the worse for you to deal with. If he cared about you he would stop to think how he's making you feel. He's being very selfish. It's one thing if he did it every once in a while but, every night? That's not okay. You deserve someone who will make you happy and treat you right. Tell him things need to change or you're gone. You deserve better than this.0
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My husband wouldn't dare.0
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It's not for him to say what is the 'way'.
When you are with someone it's all about making compromises, if he doesn't like that and won't accept it, it's time to move on.
If my partner made a decision without even running it by me first, especially if it meant he was out drinking every night, he would definitely not be in my good books.
Drink driving? No way! I'd drop someone faster than a tonne of bricks if they even thought about it. It's irresponsible, he could kill someone.0 -
You've posted a few times about this guy. Listen, I have been in a relationship just like yours before...you know how it ended? Divorce. I was stupid enough to marry the *kitten* in the first place. At first, our relationship started off fine....I guess it was the courting period, whatever. But about 6 months after we got married, he too started drinking every night. It got to the point where even our friends didn't want to hang out with us because they say how disrespectful he was to me. A few years later was when the verbal abuse started....then it got physical, especially when he was drinking.
I was always that girl that was like, "why would you tolerate that?" But when I found myself in the same situation, I just kept telling myself that he would change, things would get better, but you know what? They didn't. It just got worse. I don't know what happened, if it was someone from above looking out for me, but one day, a light bulb just went off in my head, and I was like, I need to leave. That was almost 3 years ago. I hate myself for staying in that relationship for so long, but it was a learning experience. I learned that you always have to put yourself first, you are number one, don't let anyone treat you less than you should be treated. A real man will hold you on a pedestal and do anything for you, because you are HIS number one....get my point?
This is AMAZING advice! good for you for leaving!0 -
Several big red flags here.
- Disregard for your feelings
- Reduced interest in spending time with you
- Using alcohol on a daily basis to the point of intoxication (and driving)
Obviously, whenever there is a significant change in a person's behavior something is on their mind. Better get in his head and get it figured out before something bad happens. It could just be the stress of the move or the financial situation. But if he wont communicate with you or shuts you out, then the problem could be with you (or another person, if you get my my meaning).
It wont get better until you get to the root of the problem. If you cant then you know its time to walk.
^^ This. Most definitely this.
I've been in your situation before, and NO, it isn't normal. The fact that he goes to the bar every single night is a HUGE red flag IMO. I was with a guy who would constantly make excuses of why he had to stay at work late (he worked at a sushi lounge and bar), and he almost always broke our plans, and would tell me to deal with it. And I did, until enough was enough. You have to take a step back and really think about the situation and your happiness. Obviously you're not happy with this guy and what he's putting you through. Yes, you might love him, but love isn't always enough. And if he had any respect for you, and loved you back, he wouldn't be putting you through this. Yes, he might be stressed because of the move. But that is no excuse to treat you like this. I know it's hard to walk away from someone that you love, trust me, I do. However, in the long run, you will be so much better off. You'll find someone who respects you and treats you the way you deserve to be treated. Then you'll be able to look back and think, "wow, I was with a real *kitten*, glad I got away from that!" The guy I'm with now likes to have a few beers during the week. But when we do drink, we drink at home, together. If he wants to go to the bar, we usually go out together or with a group of friends. Only once has he been out to the bars without me, and he told me that he wouldn't do it again, because it just didn't feel right, and that if he was going to go do that, he'd rather I be there to enjoy it with him. You need to do what is best for YOU. And he isn't what's best for you.0 -
Does my guy do this? Ummm, I'm gonna have to go with "NO", because my husband is not an insensitive ****wad.
There is seriously something VERY VERY WRONG with your relationship, if it is an every night thing, like he said it would be! You should be having a HUGE loud red siren going off in your head right now!! This is NOT going well.
And the fact that he is irresponsible, selfish, and immature enough to be DRIVING DRUNK on a regular basis just clinches it.
GET OUT of that relationship. GET OUT NOW.0 -
I am in a long term relationship (marriage) and my husband has never and would never do this...and if he had, there would certainly NOT be a long term relationship.
Dump the asshat.0 -
Thanks you guys for reading my vent and for all the comments.... I am so frustrated I can't stand it anymore.. to answer some of your questions: We originally lived here in Washington state and he took me to Arizona with him a few years ago and we just got back. I don't have a car anymore and I am looking for a job. we both have kids but not together and he is fixed so there is no worries of me getting pregnant. I have thought about him cheating as a few months ago before we came here I was almost certain he was and in his line of work where everyone can travel state to state who is to say he wasn't seeing someone he worked with and she is here now even though there are few women in his profession.... I am trying to get a job in fact I have been spending about 5-8 hours a day searching for anything I can get. As far as family goes I don't have any except my kids which I have split custody with my ex and as far as my friends go we haven't been close much since I moved to Arizona..... Anyway, thanks again guys. I am trying to figure this out. Hurts because over the last 4 years I have given my all I guess it is time to just give up.0
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My husband did this for a long time. I'd put my foot down and it would get better, but then it wouldn't be long and he'd be right back there. I have no problem finding him and going off on him at any bar he's at cause those people mean nothing to me. He's no longer doing it. But it's taken years. You have to decide if your going to go for this or not. Who's car is it and how will you make your way if your on your own. I assume your from Arizona. I'd say you may need to come to terms with his actions and decide if your staying or going, don't threaten to leave if your seriously not going to leave, trust me on this one. I took it for years but they weren't happy years, we are finally just now able to see a clear future. Been married for 23 years and together for 26.0
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I wouldn't put up with it. Honestly, his attitude really stinks. Telling you this will be an every night thing, and showing a complete disregard for your feelings?
Why would you want to stay with someone who treats you so horribly? You deserve so much better than that.
because I am the worlds biggest idiot I guess..... I also vent here because he is not on this site or anywhere near it and I just want to get other thoughts and I am also curious if others guys do this to them every night??!!
No...my hubby doesn't do that every night. And if he wants to drunk he gets a dd or we switch off being dd. If this is every night and he is being a jerk, I would tell him to shape up or ship out.0 -
we both have kids but not together and he is fixed so there is no worries of me getting pregnant.
You need to get out of this hot mess. If anything, do it for your kids. They deserve to see their mother with someone who respects her, not someone who is gone all the time and comes home drunk.0 -
You are worried about him getting a DUI?!?
What about him KILLING somebody while he drives home drunk? What about him hitting a person, a kid, a mother, a father with his car and KILLING them? Ever thought of that?
What he is doing is not only bringing himself in danger, but everybody out on the streets where he is driving home drunk at night.
I've been in abusive relationships like yours and I know how hard it is to get out of one, and I know that all good advice from friends or strangers doesn't help unless you really want it.
BUT: You owe it to everybody who is in danger of getting hurt on the street by drunk drivers to do something. Take away his car keys, call the police, or leave and tell him that you can't watch this anymore. This is serious!0 -
My guy is an alcoholic and as soon as he would start drinking I put a stop to it immediately!!!! Do not put up with that ****!! Believe me it is only going to get worse and he may even become a cheater... Get out now while it's still fresh0
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It sounds like he may be doing this as a form of release. If it's a new thing he may be stressed or depressed about something. To answer your question, my husband doesnt do this but when hes stressed I can always tell because he plays video games more than usual.(8 hours or more). I would have a serious talk with him and get to the bottom of it..maybe even talk to his family. Drinking and driving is serious stuff. they should be concerned too.0
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You are worried about him getting a DUI?!?
What about him KILLING somebody while he drives home drunk? What about him hitting a person, a kid, a mother, a father with his car and KILLING them? Ever thought of that?
What he is doing is not only bringing himself in danger, but everybody out on the streets where he is driving home drunk at night.
I've been in abusive relationships like yours and I know how hard it is to get out of one, and I know that all good advice from friends or strangers doesn't help unless you really want it.
BUT: You owe it to everybody who is in danger of getting hurt on the street by drunk drivers to do something. Take away his car keys, call the police, or leave and tell him that you can't watch this anymore. This is serious!
NOOOOOOOOOO I could care less if he kills someone.... Of course that is one of my worries as well...... Too many to state!0 -
It sounds like he may be doing this as a form of release. If it's a new thing he may be stressed or depressed about something. To answer your question, my husband doesnt do this but when hes stressed I can always tell because he plays video games more than usual.(8 hours or more). I would have a serious talk with him and get to the bottom of it..maybe even talk to his family. Drinking and driving is serious stuff. they should be concerned too.
yes he does that to but not since we have gotten to his parents house.... I am just at wits end... My main focus right now is finding a job!0 -
You are worried about him getting a DUI?!?
What about him KILLING somebody while he drives home drunk? What about him hitting a person, a kid, a mother, a father with his car and KILLING them? Ever thought of that?
What he is doing is not only bringing himself in danger, but everybody out on the streets where he is driving home drunk at night.
I've been in abusive relationships like yours and I know how hard it is to get out of one, and I know that all good advice from friends or strangers doesn't help unless you really want it.
BUT: You owe it to everybody who is in danger of getting hurt on the street by drunk drivers to do something. Take away his car keys, call the police, or leave and tell him that you can't watch this anymore. This is serious!
not to mention he is risking getting in an accident or getting pulled over and getting a DUI . I did mention that as a worry as well!!!!!!0 -
Think of it as closing this chapter and starting a new one
Hes obviously making you nothing but comma in the sentence of his life, no point of making him the entire sentence in yours. 
Best of luck!Thanks you guys for reading my vent and for all the comments.... I am so frustrated I can't stand it anymore.. to answer some of your questions: We originally lived here in Washington state and he took me to Arizona with him a few years ago and we just got back. I don't have a car anymore and I am looking for a job. we both have kids but not together and he is fixed so there is no worries of me getting pregnant. I have thought about him cheating as a few months ago before we came here I was almost certain he was and in his line of work where everyone can travel state to state who is to say he wasn't seeing someone he worked with and she is here now even though there are few women in his profession.... I am trying to get a job in fact I have been spending about 5-8 hours a day searching for anything I can get. As far as family goes I don't have any except my kids which I have split custody with my ex and as far as my friends go we haven't been close much since I moved to Arizona..... Anyway, thanks again guys. I am trying to figure this out. Hurts because over the last 4 years I have given my all I guess it is time to just give up.0 -
i wouldn't deal with that as a regular occurrence. every once in a while yes but endangering himself and others on the road is a huge NO! if you are unhappy you need to take care of yourself first.0
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You've posted a few times about this guy. Listen, I have been in a relationship just like yours before...you know how it ended? Divorce. I was stupid enough to marry the *kitten* in the first place. At first, our relationship started off fine....I guess it was the courting period, whatever. But about 6 months after we got married, he too started drinking every night. It got to the point where even our friends didn't want to hang out with us because they say how disrespectful he was to me. A few years later was when the verbal abuse started....then it got physical, especially when he was drinking.
I was always that girl that was like, "why would you tolerate that?" But when I found myself in the same situation, I just kept telling myself that he would change, things would get better, but you know what? They didn't. It just got worse. I don't know what happened, if it was someone from above looking out for me, but one day, a light bulb just went off in my head, and I was like, I need to leave. That was almost 3 years ago. I hate myself for staying in that relationship for so long, but it was a learning experience. I learned that you always have to put yourself first, you are number one, don't let anyone treat you less than you should be treated. A real man will hold you on a pedestal and do anything for you, because you are HIS number one....get my point?
Exactly what she said...it will only get worse. Go find someone who will make you happy and shares the same interests as you. He won't change!0 -
Ouch OP. I would get out now. My husband not only doesn't do stupid things like go to bars and get drunk and drive home, but he rarely goes out. He told me once that he loves being with me/around me so why would he go out all the time without me? Don't get me wrong, we both work and he golfs alot and all that, but we spend the majority of our free time together. You deserve a man who wants to be with you and hang out with you. 0
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I can't be in a relationship that makes me (or both of us) miserable. Life's too short. Luckily, my DH is awesome.0
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H is obviously selfish, and inconsiderate of your feelings. Think of it this way: Would you rather be unhappy forever by staying with him, or unhappy for a few weeks or months while you cope with the break up?
Leave him, take time to grieve the relationship then move on! If he really loves you, then maybe he'll change and try to get you back. You need to love yourself first! He's being selfish, so you can be too. Do what is best for you!0 -
. This is perfect listen to nothing but thisss xxYou've posted a few times about this guy. Listen, I have been in a relationship just like yours before...you know how it ended? Divorce. I was stupid enough to marry the *kitten* in the first place. At first, our relationship started off fine....I guess it was the courting period, whatever. But about 6 months after we got married, he too started drinking every night. It got to the point where even our friends didn't want to hang out with us because they say how disrespectful he was to me. A few years later was when the verbal abuse started....then it got physical, especially when he was drinking.
I was always that girl that was like, "why would you tolerate that?" But when I found myself in the same situation, I just kept telling myself that he would change, things would get better, but you know what? They didn't. It just got worse. I don't know what happened, if it was someone from above looking out for me, but one day, a light bulb just went off in my head, and I was like, I need to leave. That was almost 3 years ago. I hate myself for staying in that relationship for so long, but it was a learning experience. I learned that you always have to put yourself first, you are number one, don't let anyone treat you less than you should be treated. A real man will hold you on a pedestal and do anything for you, because you are HIS number one....get my point?0 -
He needs to grow up and change his ways immediately. If he does not want to make those changes, you make the changes for him. Take the kids and leave him. Drinking EVERY night is a problem. There are lots of fish in the sea, if he truly cares for you, he will make those changes. My 2 cents . . .0
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Find and Al-anon group! You need it!! I will give you the strength hope and love you deserve! Just google al-anon there are some chats/meetings on line if you can't get out of the house. YOU are worth it! Do it for yourself! I will be Praying for you and your sweetheart!0
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we teach people how to treat us. If you accept this, he will continue it. If you do not put up with it, one of two things will happen. He will care and stop, or he will continue. Now you just need to make sure you are ready for each of those two outcomes. You need to come first, and you need to be happy. Don't accept anything less because then you will just show others its ok to do that to you. Good Luck.0
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Maybe he is annoyed at himself that he has to rely on his parents to keep a roof over his and his partners head at the time being.. That sorta thing is sometimes a big deal to guys, maybe he feels he isn't providing properly or able to and it's knocked his confidence and hit him in a guys soft spot (ya know their pride).
Maybe if it's a new job that he has he feels he has to do this to fit in and be one of the guys (if it's his work mates he is going out with after words)
If it's a sudden change then I would talk to him and actually genuinely listen, a lot of people say they were listening when really they weren't they just thought they were listening because they had subconsiously heard enough.
Don't just assume that he has turned into a Grade-A A-hole just because of these changes, remember blokes don't talk about their emotions a lot, but they will do other things to make you aware that they are not feeling up to par..
Just my opinion like....0 -
I would not tolerate it either, and I agree that what he is doing is legally and morally wrong.......on the other hand his drinking and lack of respect may be due to depression. moving back in with his family is hard on a man, especially for financial reasons. he may feel like he has failed you, and is embarrassed. either way, If he wont allow you to reasonably talk things through I would leave before it gets worse.0
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I think there are two roads to take here:
a] is he having self-esteem and possible depression issues based on your financial situation, the move, life in general? If so, is he willing to choose a counselling and proactive route to fixing it, instead of self-medicating and selfishly basking in his misery?
or
b] get on with your life before he continues to walk all over you, you end up digging your hole of financial distress and relationship issues deeper, and he potentially ends up with a lost license, huge fine, or worst case scenario killing himself or someone else.0
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