Mommy is losing it...
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I've respectfully not replied to the spanking issue as it only inflames the MFP war on the issue, and would like this thread to actually remain here so I can read everything
But it's just my two cents that whining doesn't warrant spanking. I'm not anti-spanking, I just don't think this particular problem is justification.
End scene.
I agree with all of this.0 -
Spanking and time out are for lazy parents who don't want to deal with the issue and resolve it. No child deserves to be hit! Think about it, we teach them that they can't hit other people, or you, grown ups aren't allowed to hit each other, but yet we can hit a small defenseless child? Its disgusting and pathetic. Time out teaches NOTHING, it doesn't give them better choices, its not a learning expereince...
I have fantastic kids, we use the "flip it" method!
Feelings- figure out what is going on! So many tantrums start with kids that are tired, hungry or being ignored. Help them indentify why and what they are feeling. Give it a name, (sad, mad, bored) and it lets them know that you understand!
Limits - learn to set limits with clear, simple rules and expectations
Inquiries- ask them to think before acting. this encourages problem solving, coping skills and emotional control
Prompt- this is when you help them along if they can't come up with the appropriate responce.
Do you teach them to be judgmental too?
That's what I was thinking.
It's great you've found something that works for you. But to call other parents who spank or use time-out "lazy", "disgusting", and "pathetic" is awful high & mighty fo you. You could have given your advice without criticizing other parents who love their children just as much as you do.0 -
My mother took over raising my sister's son. He came an emotional wreck. He flipped out over everything. He would get so mad that he would even spit on my mom. It was pretty bad but my mother used the three second rule and consistency and alot of hard tear jerking work. My mother found what was key was to always respond the same to his negative behavoirs. So how it worked was when my nephew was acting up she would just start to count to three. If he did not stop the behavoir he would go to a time out. She would not yell at hiim or even speak to him other than to say ok your going to your room or whatever gave him a timer and let him scream his head off. She would not talk to him at all in time out. Usally that lasted 3/4 of the time out and then he would just cry a little and then when the alarm would go off he would be in control. If not then the time starts over. She went by the rule of 1 minute for how old they are. It was hell on everyone involved but it turned that kid around. My mother says the kids know what they are doing wrong that is why we dont have to explain or yell at them to stop the behavoir which is postive reinforcment to continue the behavoir. My mother would also take trips to resteraunts and grocery stores with the purpouse of instiling the 3 second rule. If my nephew was acting up at the store they would leave the cart in the middle of the store and leave and do a time out or jsut go home. Same with resteraunts she would leave. Also remember you have to do it every time and in the same way. Children want consistency, rules, schedules, they thrive on them. The behavoir you are trying to fix will always get worse before it gets better. They will test you try to figure out what they can get away with and how you as the parent will respond to each behavoir.0
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NEVER GIVE IN ... My son is 6 too and it was a little phase he went through... anything I said, do your homework, get ready for soccer, get in the shower....he would just make these whinny sounds... uugghh ... I was very serious he would still have to do what I told him and made it clear that was not appropriate ... I told him I don't wanna hear it and if he continues his behavior he's gonna have other stuff to whine about ... I would look at him really stern and ask him what that behavior was.. he didn't know what to say ... other times I just distract him... like... go, go if you want to do ___ before you go to bed or something like that. SOmetimes he just didn't get to do what he wanted...so I would tell him next time waste less time whinning. They are 6 so they can understand now...talk to him seriously without giving in ...they are not 2 or 3 anymore. It makes me smile thinking I would look at him ...and ask him WHAT IS THAT? You better not be whinning cuz I have little patience for that right now ... he got the message ... I also turn from fun and friendly Mommy to strictly buisness Mommy ...no smilling or kidding around ... and he can't stand it and comes and appologizes.
Sorry I went on and on... but it was annoying for me too ...having gonne through that recently ... wow wall sits are a good idea though ...lol0 -
I've respectfully not replied to the spanking issue as it only inflames the MFP war on the issue, and would like this thread to actually remain here so I can read everything But it's just my two cents that whining doesn't warrant spanking. I'm not anti-spanking, I just don't think this particular problem is justification.
End scene.
+1 Good call! 0 -
Love and logic... I love the parenting methods... if you buckle down hard and are consistent 100% you will gain control0
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A friend of mine suggested a "WHINE" jar. She said to take little pieces of paper, write chores or something like that on them, then fold them, putting them in the jar. When the child whines, he or she has to go choose a piece of paper from the WHINE jar. The chores or punishment needs to be unfavorable (for my daughter it would be to lose a TV show, or to go to bed early, clean her room, or what not. It takes some thinking.)
Now in order to be more positive, you can also have a REWARD jar. When your child goes through the day (or morning/evening or even during an outing) with no whining then they can pick a PRIZE out of the REWARD jar. I would sit down with your child to see what things/activity they like (and it doesn't mean you have to go out and buy them something all the time) so they will KNOW the contents of that jar.
Anything is worth trying!!!0 -
Not that I have any great solutions, but do you think he does it as a control/manipulation mechanism (because he knows it pushes your buttons) or do you think that it is a behavior that he has fallen into as a habit and doesn't even realize how often he does it? I think that pointing out to him that he is whining/throwing a fit, telling him that this is not an effective or appropriate tool to get what he wants, and then walking away or ignoring any further whine type input from him is actually a good move. If you can both hang on to your sanity to continue to do this consistently over time, he will probably eventually learn that lesson. If he learns it with you guys, with whom he spends so much of his time and interactions, he will be less likely to try that behavior with others (teachers, care givers, other authority figures, friends) and so you will have grow a more successful child!
Other than telling him that whining is not the way to get what he wants, have you tried explaining to him how it affects you and he results than it actually earns him? Sometime when the situation doesn't seem especially touchy, you might try starting a conversation with him about how you see the behavior and what you feel when it happens. Tell him about it, and then in a role-playing situation (I don't mean mocking him) try demonstrating for him what that behavior sounds/looks like and try to help him see what an irritation it is and how it turns to target off to whatever it was that the actor wanted to communicate.
I went to this parenting class that described the process of altering these kinds of behaviors with the following steps and suggested dialog:
1. Recognize the behavior. If a negative behavior, stop the behavior or disengage from it. If positive, call attention to it.
2. Describe the behavior observed and the results it earned.
3. Describe the appropriate/desired behavior.
4. Give a consequence, positive or negative.
In the case of whining/tantrums, their suggested dialog might run something like this:
1. Johnny, you are need to be sit down (suggest a place) and be quiet until you feel calm again.
2. You are (using the whiny tone, kicking the floor, screaming at me, throwing things).
3. When you act like that, I can't hear your words, so we can't talk about what you really want.
4. When you are told "no", you will look at me and say, "Yes, ma'am," to let me know that you understand the answer.
5. Because you did not accept my response politely and instead yelled/cried/whined when I told you that you could not play with your computer game right now, we will turn off the computer for the next 24 hours.
Alternately on step 5 you could try offering a delayed positive consequence by saying something like: "If you can calm down now and do the things we need to do (eat dinner, complete a chore, do homework, take a walk, read for a while instead), then you may ask me again later politely and I will let you have 30 minutes to play on the computer."
Especially for a child as young as yours they also suggested role-playing to practice how they could more appropriately have handled the situation. You coach the child on verbage and attitude to use when asking for whatever it is and how to handle a response you might give. The idea, of course, being to teach them what you really want from them and how they can earn the things that they want. Sometimes they really don't know, no matter how apparent we feel like it should be from past experience in our household. And another thing they suggest for kids of all age is to help them figure our what coping/calming behaviors work for them when they are disappointed in your answers or feeling upset about something. Once you work 2 or 3 of those strategies out with them, one of your coaching tools becomes prompting them to use a calming strategy and reminding them of something they can do to accomplish that. Flip side is that the parent is supposed to also take the time to identify their own coping/calming skillset, occasionally remind themselves what calming choices they have, and learn to recognize when it's time to take one out and use it!
I know that stuff sounds really stiff and sometimes all I can think when I hear it is, "Yeah, but that doesn't work when my kid does X," or "Sure. Tried that. My kid continues to do X until I am ready to lose my mind!" I can't say I'm a great parent. I can't say that stuff always works or that I even remember to use it consistently or that I don't sometimes lose my cool and make things worse. All I can say is that it's a tool to try, it sometimes works, when it does work it helps our kiddos learn to be responsible for their own behaviors and the results they get from those behaviors. Lord, help us, we're all just doing the best we can!0 -
I work with preschoolers, and when they start showing the first signs of an attitude I usually put my hands on my hips and say, "Check yourself before you wreck yourself!" It usually makes them giggle and changes their tone... and keeps the mood light.0
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I work with preschoolers, and when they start showing the first signs of an attitude I usually put my hands on my hips and say, "Check yourself before you wreck yourself!" It usually makes them giggle and changes their tone... and keeps the mood light.
THIS! Distraction is ALWAYS a good idea! 0 -
I think what you need to do in public and what you need to do in private are different.
In public if they want something: tell them what's going to happen BEFORE you go into the store. "We're going into Target today. If you do not whine and act well, we will ge to look at the toys. But, today we are not going to buy any toys. We simply do not have the money for that today." See, this gives them a reason why, especially around 6 when they're starting to understand money. Or "When you behave well in the store, you will be rewarded with a toy or a treat that costs under X amount. If at any time you whine, complain, or are rude, it will be taken away- even after the item has been bought." My 3yo likes matchbox cars so when she acts well, she can pick one out. This can also teach kids about money and taxes and such.
If they start to act badly you bend down to their level, take them by the shoulder and whisper (because it's far scarier) "I do not like the way you are acting right now. It doesn't make me want to be your friend and it doesn't make me want to do things for you. Show me you can ask for what you want in a better way and we'll see. If I say no, that's it." If they continue to ask for it, ignore them unless they get loud. Then you simply leave the store. "You are embarrassing yourself and you're bothering everyone around you. They don't like that. It's rude. You don't get to go places and do things when you act this way."
So, at home, if they're whining a lot it maybe because they want attention. If it's just whining and not really acting badly find something for you two to do together. Play together, cook together, cuddle up and watch a show together. They might just be wanting for some attention and that'll fix it. My 3yo does that a lot. All she really needs is just a few minutes of one on one time.
Also, I found at this age with my older daughter is that she whined a lot when she was hungry. Of course she ate her regular three meals but at this age she was going through a lot of growth spurts and she gets MEAN when she's hungry and she doesn't always realize that she is that way. Slice up some fruit, maybe an apple with some peanut butter (a very nice and healthy snack that is interactive. Kids love to dip things. Yogurt is good if they have any nut allergies) Also, if they're growing a lot, besides the hunger they may be sore. They really don't know how to say that they are either. If they're being EXTREMELY whiny and listless and crabby in general, maybe a dose of aspirin is in order. I mean, aren't you whiny and crabby when you're sore? Of course, ask them questions and help them to figure out how to voice their discomfort, but once they figure it out it will help you and the whining.
If they're just acting badly simply say 'I don't like how you're acting and I don't want to be around you when you act like this." Then walk away. As long as they're not being destructive, let them throw their crying fit. If they're being destructive it may be a good idea to take all the toys out of their room (at all times. Just have a seperate place for them that you can control them) and make them go in there. That way they can't destroy things or really make a huge mess. Also, they can't entertain themselves that way and they'll see that being sent to your room without toys to play with is a bad thing and it happens when they're acting a certain way.
And honestly, if they won't stop and listen to you at all a good thwack is sometimes in order. Not to leave marks, just to surprise. To shock. There is a reason you slap someone who is hysterical. That shock will calm them and a person after a mild shock is more likely to remember something. Only do this sometimes because it honestly loses something if you do it every single time. If you hit and it's over sometimes they'll reason that the punishment is minor so the risk of possibly getting what they want it worth it.
Good luck! Trust me, as a mother of two who works from home... yeah, I totally get it. Sometimes though you just have to give them a purpose!0 -
Trade your kids in for dogs!!! So much easier and enjoyable! LOL :drinker:0
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Spank that a**
my four (almost 5) yr old it doing the same thing0 -
I used to calmly tell my children "I'm sorry, I don't speak whinese. When you speak in a volume that is appropriate AND a language that I DO understand, I will be happy to listen to you. Until then, you will get no further response." Then continue on my way doing what I was doing before the cranky voice, whining, needy assault.
Didn't take long for them to figure out I meant it.0 -
This. But it helps if you start early. I'm already starting this type of training with my 2 yr old. They do not get what they want if they can't ask for it without whining. My 4 yr old still tries, but a reminder usually takes care of it, or he goes to his room till he can act right.I dont respond when my girls whine. Simple as that. I tell them that if they want me to help them then they need speak to me in a "normal" tone. It is actually quite funny as when I remind them of this it is like a switch that has been turned off and it instantly stops.0 -
I used to calmly tell my children "I'm sorry, I don't speak whinese. When you speak in a volume that is appropriate AND a language that I DO understand, I will be happy to listen to you. Until then, you will get no further response." Then continue on my way doing what I was doing before the cranky voice, whining, needy assault.
Didn't take long for them to figure out I meant it.
:flowerforyou:0 -
It's called the teribble twos....starts at two and ends at...... My oldesst will be 28 and the youngest is 25 and they are still doing it. When they stop I will let you know! :noway:0
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Honestly, the way I currently am handling it is to leave... leave the room and ignore it. Usually I just say "No. This is not a good reason to have a melt-down and I'm not going to listen to it." And yes... I roll my eyes as soon as I turn my back *LOL* I can't take it... so I leave, and once he realizes he's not getting whatever he stops. But for the love of gravy, why does everything need to start with this whining routine. Maybe I'm just expecting too much of a 6 year old and he'll outgrow it.
Or maybe it's payback for all the whining I can even remember doing as a child *LOL*
Damn you karma...
My two and a half year old pulls the same thing. Whining makes me crazy! Thankfully with him I just tell him that I can't understand him when he talks like that and walk away. Seems to work. He gets a firm talking to when he starts the "I want (whatever it is) RIGHT NOW!". That gets a very stern, "you DO NOT talk to Mommy that way". Again, thankfully he responds to that. Ooooohhhhh the attitudes of a 2 and half year old! Good luck!!!!0 -
Ignoring is really hard (I have 4 kids 8 and under and they all do this from time to time, esp the 2 yo), but you can't let them get what they want (attention, etc.). We give them a warning to calm down or they will go to time out.
If they don't, we count - if I get to 3 - they go to time out.
What has also worked wonders is positive reinforcement. When they are behaving well - heap loads of praise on them.
We even have sticker charts for our 4 yr olds - they practically clamor to do things to get stickers! It has dramatically improved their manners and cooperation.0 -
It's called the teribble twos....starts at two and ends at...... My oldesst will be 28 and the youngest is 25 and they are still doing it. When they stop I will let you know! :noway:
LMAO nice! Please do let's us know if/when it stops!0 -
Spank that a**
I'd go with this. I always try to enforce a time-out first........but if that doesn't work, an *kitten* spanking usually does the trick0 -
I have nothing to add except
:ohwell: :noway: :grumble:
so
:flowerforyou:
:blushing:
:huh:0 -
I have nothing to add except
:ohwell: :noway: :grumble: so
:flowerforyou: :blushing:
:huh:
*LMAO*
I think my initial post is now AMAZING given my change of photo 0 -
Spank that a**
i tried that. just ended up with more kids.
wrong a** i guess.0 -
. Parents try too hard to be friends with their kids.
^^^
Exactly this!!! I am learning this the hard way. My eight year old son is ridiculous at times!! I've always been too nice, let things slide too much and now at times he acts like he's the boss!! Hello your only 8! Seems mean, but I learned my lesson, and my 7 month old will grow up with a lot more strictness than my son did at a young age. You have to be the parent and sometimes it's harder on you than the the child, but a spankin usuallly fixes most problems. Wish I would've nip things in the butt sooner than I did! Would've saved myself a lot of frustration and stress. I'm not saying beat his butt all the time, but a swat here and there will make him realize he's not going to get away with it.
I have tried the ignoring, walking away, one more chance, timeout and now it's grounded in your room, no bike, no games, no tv and when the neighbor kids show up to play, they are sent home. I would say the BIGGEST thing is FOLLOW THROUGH!!!! When you say NO, it means NO, and don't give in!!
Good luck, kids can be hard to handle at times!0 -
Show him a picture of me and threaten to send to my house!:flowerforyou:0
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As a mother of five , I know that the best way to handle this is by ignoring it. DO Not pay attention to it. If he needs something he must settle down and ask for it when hes ready and his whining is over. Dont let it get to you. This kind of behavior should be corrected now because if you dont . it will go on longer. Dont hit him . he wants attention . Attention that shouldn't be given while whining. Also if your answer is NO to whatever the child is asking than STICK TO IT and dont give in . BEST THING .... IGNORE IT ! Hopefully your still sane when he grows out of this LOL !0
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I think all (or at least most) kids go through stages like this. For my girls, this has happened at both 4 and 6 years of age. It can be incredibly annoying. For us, we just refused to talk with them when they were acting like that. I insist that they speak in a regular voice if we are going to talk with one another. If they don't stop freaking out, then they spend some time away (like on our stairs or in their room) until they are ready to talk nicely. It takes a lot of patience and always insisting that they don't speak in a whine. For us, consistency has been the key. When you give in or lose it yourself it just reinforces the bad behavior that you are hoping to eliminate. It is hard but worth it in the end. Best of luck to you! Parenting is one of the toughest jobs out there!0
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Books I dont know but they do give free parenting classes in most cities I believe.0
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This ^^0
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