What if your husband or wive wants to know...?
Replies
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Do you feel obligated to answer if your husband/wife asks you how many people you've been intimate with? We've been married 6 months and my husband never brought it up until recently--and he got mad when I said I wasn't answering. Why do people want to know this -- and was I wrong for not answering him? I would have lied about the number anyway....
(Question from a blog)
MY question is: WHY would someone WANT to know?
HOW would that make a relationship BETTER?
( I had to edit this and add this part because a few people missed the part where i wrote that this a question from a BLOG. This is not my relationship, i am single and never been married. I asked this to get other folks perspective on this...)
A guy wouldn't hesitate to say....because for guys its kind of a bragging rights alpha dog response.....for women...if they answer quickly, it isn't many....if they hesitate or try to change the subject....you know their lil nympho *kitten*' were gettin it a lot...lol0 -
There is no reason to divulge an actual number. My husband and I have NEVER shared that information. Just that we had pasts that lead us to our future. That we were safe. That we had been tested prior to getting together. That we are the only ones for each other from the moment we decided to be a committed couple on out. Giving up a number is only going to cause a fight, and fuel insecurities.
Exactly this. We've talked about our past without talking exact numbers, and that's fine by both of us. We did that early on, as we both had gone through our wild phases:blushing: , but wanted to know that we were both safe, etc. We've been together for 5 1/2 years now, and frankly, IDGAF about his past anymore. It's the past, we're married and committed to each other and keep each other satisfied. There's no need for us to talk about it anymore, and we haven't really since we first started dating.0 -
A guy wouldn't hesitate to say....because for guys its kind of a bragging rights alpha dog response.....for women...if they answer quickly, it isn't many....if they hesitate or try to change the subject....you know their lil nympho *kitten*' were gettin it a lot...lol
Smart man.0 -
Me and my partner talked about this when we first got together. It was pure curiosity and the number didn't matter to either of us.0
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I know how many my hubby has been with but he doesn't know my number - he didn't want to know and I'm okay with not sharing. If he ever asks, I'll answer him truthfully and he can deal with the feelings he has about my answer because that'll be his choice. Just like it was my choice to ask him.0
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We were both always open about our past relationships, lovers etc. I've always been curious and still am sometimes but its not something we do constantly talk about. It matters that he chose me and I'll be the only one he wants and have as long as we are together.0
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Don't know why this would just be coming up AFTER marriage but, including him the answer should NEVER be more than five.0
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if they just won't stop asking, i make up a number.
shady? yeah. but I consider it a little white lie. no one needs to know.0 -
For me it doesnt matter. What happen's in Vegas stays in Vegas....in other words-its in the past so doesnt mean squat.
I agree. I don't care to know who my boyfriend was with before we got together. And he has never asked me. What happened before we were to together is the past. I don't see the importance in it.0 -
I know how many my hubby has been with but he doesn't know my number - he didn't want to know and I'm okay with not sharing. If he ever asks, I'll answer him truthfully and he can deal with the feelings he has about my answer because that'll be his choice. Just like it was my choice to ask him.
so how many was it? lol0 -
Don't know why this would just be coming up AFTER marriage but, including him the answer should NEVER be more than five.
the true answer? or the one you tell him?0 -
If a guy or gal is insisting on being provided with the exact number of a significant other's past intimate connections, he/she just wants it as a weapon in future fights.0
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I read the first three pages and the last two above mine, so I am not sure if this came up yet or not. Apologies if it did. My DH and I do have these types of conversations. It can be a little uncomfortable for me because he has had such a wild streak when he was younger. However, I have "more experience" IE have tried more things. So my number I can count on one hand, while he has to estimate his. Lol.
Why did this come up after marriage? Well, I don't want the past to get thrown in my face by one of these gals someday and not have known about it before. I do not want to allow another person that kind of power over how I feel about my husband. Some of the details were a little painful for me to hear, but I heard them from him, which shows he was honest. I also saw and heard how he felt about those things (not excited or bragging, but ashamed) and this did take a few days to completely process, but we are stronger for it.
This approach is definitely not for everyone. I think there is a natural curiosity about the first time, the weirdest place, what worked best, wildest thing you have ever done, etc. And that stuff really opens up a window where you see your partner differently. When you talk about past relationships, it allows you to learn from their mistakes. Maybe you never knew that a past girlfriend would always be sitting in the same spot on the couch when he got back from work, in the same spot she was in when he left, appearing to have done nothing to clean the house or contribute was a deal breaker. Sometimes little details like that trigger an emotional response that is stronger than your typical annoyance reaction.
It is easier to get along with a person and understand their point of view when you know more about them. It works for me.0 -
I dont think it hould matter AFTER you are married, however one thing i made VERY clear to my husband is that i trust him... but i didnt want him hanging out with some chick he used to bang.. and he wasnt friends with any of them anyway, so that was good.. but while im not "jealous" that just couldnt be good for a relationship. Plus, he was a man wh*re lol.. so before we slept together, we had that talk, and went to the doctors for tests.
Isnt that what most people do these days? get tested together? I mean.. it makes sense. Thats what i teach my daughters anyway, because thats what Ive always done. If they dont wanna get tested with ya... chances are.. you dont want whatever they are hiding. Tests dont lie... "but baby i love you" does.
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I dunno - just not a good place to go if you are already in a commited relationship. The question might put the mind in a creeping mode which is never good and will probably raise other not so great questions.0
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Don't know why this would just be coming up AFTER marriage but, including him the answer should NEVER be more than five.
Why?0 -
I know how many my hubby has been with but he doesn't know my number - he didn't want to know and I'm okay with not sharing. If he ever asks, I'll answer him truthfully and he can deal with the feelings he has about my answer because that'll be his choice. Just like it was my choice to ask him.
so how many was it? lol
50 - not including the 2 chicks.0 -
If he didn't think to ask it before he said "I do, " I don't see any reason for him to start asking now.
Winner.0 -
i don't know how knowing the number would make a relationship better or worse but i do know that if my husband asked me anything i would tell him. i wouldn't lie either. who cares how many people anyone has been with?0
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I don't keep secrets from my husband.0
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Always cut it in half!!!
So is that like just the tip for you or something?0 -
I have two previous marriages. My wife also has two previous marriages.
However, even if were both virgins when we met, this is always an innapropiate question.
A gentleman does not kiss and tell!
A lady, if she is to remain a lady, must follow the same rule.
Ask yourself-what possible use could this information be?0 -
Most women want to know this about their partner, so they either ask or they don't ask. If they don't ask they will find away to find out without asking there partner. Most men who aren’t the jealous or possessive type don't care, so if a guy wants to know this RUN. 0
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The only reason it should matter is if any of those in your number happened after marriage, otherwise at this point it shouldn't matter. Being me, I would start digging deeper into why he suddenly wanted to know.0
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Why would you lie or say no? That doesn't make any sense to me. as long as the number isn't going up while you're married it shouldn't matter. Why would you want to base a marriage on withholding information or lying?0
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I don't think you should have to answer it and I don't understand why he would ask it NOW when you guys are married (but I also don't think that's an appropriate question to ask anyone, ever). There's just no way to win by answering that. If your number is too low, the person asking will think you're weird/a prude/whatever. If they think your number is too high, you're instantly labeled a slut in their mind. It does raise my suspicions a little that he asked now...like what is he up to? Is he cooking up a little "I think we should have a three-way" scheme?
If I were asked that question by someone, I'd probably just say I'd slept with somewhere between 3 and 50 people and give them a little wink.
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It doesn't Better a relationship or marriage. Though my hubby and I have had this conversation, it was BEFORE we married, not after. Still, We also talk about experiences we've had in the past. But you have to have a very close relationship and full trust in one another in order to ask/answer that kind of a question.
The only way it could be better for a relationship is knowing your partners likes and dislikes. But there are other ways of getting that information without asking how many. That question is really quite irrelevant.
My advise to you is to NOT get defensive if and when he asks, but simply pose the question to him, Why do you want to know? How do you think that this information will better our relationship? and How would you feel if I asked you the same question?
See what he says0 -
I don't think you should have to answer it and I don't understand why he would ask it NOW when you guys are married (but I also don't think that's an appropriate question to ask anyone, ever). There's just no way to win by answering that. If your number is too low, the person asking will think you're weird/a prude/whatever. If they think your number is too high, you're instantly labeled a slut in their mind. It does raise my suspicions a little that he asked now...like what is he up to? Is he cooking up a little "I think we should have a three-way" scheme?
If I were asked that question by someone, I'd probably just say I'd slept with somewhere between 3 and 50 people and give them a little wink.
I obviously don't worry about what other people think about my past, since I posted my # on the previous page. :laugh:
I figure people have probably seen worse on Jerry Springer.0 -
For me it doesnt matter. What happen's in Vegas stays in Vegas....in other words-its in the past so doesnt mean squat.
^^
THIS
My hubby and I have been together for 13 years and we have NEVER EVER brought up our past exploits or partners before we got together. We clearly believe that whatever happened in the past has shaped us as individuals and should remain where it was in the PAST.
IF my hubby ever wanted to know if I slept with a particular person I'll share that information just don't ask how many because that is irrelevant to our current relationship besides if he asks and I respond "YES" just keep track of how many times I said it.0 -
My fiance and I have been together over 2 years and that was a topic that was discussed at the very beginning of our relationship. We didn't discuss the amount of people we were previously intimate with, it was more of what didn't work in past relationships.We discussed it then and now it's done.
I don't know why it matters how many people you've been with anyway. It's in the past, what happened, happened. He should be concentrating on your future together.0
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