Need kid to move on!! Advice please.

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  • OfficiallySexyVal
    OfficiallySexyVal Posts: 492 Member
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    Tell him you want to have sex with your husband in every room in the house and you are concerned he might walk in on you. You won't have to ask for the key. He will give it to you.

    Genius idea...:laugh:
  • AlayshaJ
    AlayshaJ Posts: 703 Member
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    Just leave a note asking him to clean up after himself.


    Or ask your husband to tell him.
  • red1775
    red1775 Posts: 22
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    Walk around naked; you and the husband. It will stop the visits.
  • cramernh
    cramernh Posts: 3,335 Member
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    Anyone have kids that do not live at home anymore and still have a key to the house? I have one Stepson I did not raise (age 27) that drops in alot unannounced and leaves a trail everytime (uses our stuff and doesn't put it back). He's a great guy but a bit of a intrusion, thinks we are his storage unit, laundry facility and occasionally sleep base camp.

    Kinda want the key back since my husband and I want "our" life to begin. I am not sure how to ask without hurting feelings.

    Thanks!

    This is a case where you have to tell it like it is: the next time you see him, demand the house key back. He is old enough to be taking care of his personal effects on his own in his own home.

    Unless he is paying towards the mortgage/rent, utilities, etc - AND picking up after himself, he has no right coming in as he pleases. That is rude to be invading your privacy.

    At age 27, he should know better than that....

    My parents did the same thing to their son.... straight, cut to the chase....if he refuses, then you change the locks....
  • bsuew
    bsuew Posts: 628 Member
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    You seriously need to have a heart to heart with him. You and your husband. Tell him you want the key until he can respect your wishes. He seriously needs to grow up!
  • KimmyEB
    KimmyEB Posts: 1,208 Member
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    Communication?

    wow-brilliant

    It is brilliant. In fact, it's the most basic, yet effective advice for this type of situation. The fact that you blow it off shows you are not going to take any of these responses seriously, so why bother? Sounds like you just want validation for your stance so you don't feel like the "evil stepmother."
  • 12skipafew99100
    12skipafew99100 Posts: 1,669 Member
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    Change the lock and when asked about it explain that some stange intruder kept coming in and was messing things up.
  • lour441
    lour441 Posts: 543 Member
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    Tell him you want to have sex with your husband in every room in the house and you are concerned he might walk in on you. You won't have to ask for the key. He will give it to you.


    That would do it, except I still have one at home so he won't believe me!

    You and your husband should speak to him together about boundaries and expectations. If that doesn't work, take his key.
  • AlsDonkBoxSquat
    AlsDonkBoxSquat Posts: 6,128 Member
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    if you both are agreeing.. change the locks.. problem solved...

    however, my mother would never take my key away, home is suppose to be the place that is always open to come too whenever..

    Maybe you could talk to him about his bad habits?

    What a very different point of view this is. Very few from my generation (I am 55) would say that. I always felt that I could go home whenever I wanted to, but I never had a key once I left. Interesting that the young people of today feel that they can just pop on in, do whatever - watch television, do laundry, cook a meal, etc. - without paying any mind to what they parents may think about it.

    Young people of today? More like...this varies by family. My mom is around your age, and my dad is 65--they both think it's absolutely weird that I always ask to come over, and that I used to ring the door bell, even though I have a key. When I call and ask "is it alright if I come over?" my mom sighs and laughs and says "you KNOW you can come over whenever you want to, you do NOT have to ask." Yet I know some people my age who have to schedule a visit with their family in advance to come see them, even if they live in the same town. It's all relative to the people involved. :tongue:

    I don't think it's even family to family culture. You are respectful of your parents space and time, you are taking care of your responsibilities, it's a different situation. I don't think it's generational, but I do think it's situational. I know that 20 years ago when my sister was completely disrespectful to my parents they changed the locks and told me that she wasn't allowed in unless they were home (when I was home alone). She's a different person now who respects my parents space and time rarely stopping in unannounced and never leaving a mess behind her, she's had a key for 15 years.
  • whouwannab
    whouwannab Posts: 350 Member
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    I like the idea of having him do chores. "While you're here, will you carry the boxes of Christmas decorations down from the attic? " etc., lol. If he gets stuck doing chores every time he pops by, maybe it would be less frequent.
  • Justkf
    Justkf Posts: 208 Member
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    Let your husband handle it. Scary how you keep saying "he's not my son, he's my step son." You sound like a real treat. :ohwell:

    Thanks for that not nice comment. I felt it was important to establish. He lived on the east coast his whole life so our realtionship is hardly like mother and son.
  • BL_Coleman
    BL_Coleman Posts: 324 Member
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    Just say that you would like if they coudl tell you when they are coming, a quick call beforehand. Just so you know to make more food, or to know not plan a quiet night or date night
  • rugbyphreak
    rugbyphreak Posts: 509 Member
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    I'm 22 and still live at home with my parents and plan on keeping it this way until I graduate. That being said, I do my own laundry and cleaning, buy my own groceries, mow the lawn, take care of my mom's dog, shovel the snow, tend the garden, and help with any other projects around the house or yard. I love living at home because it's saving me money, but I also know that this is not place to ruin. I am an adult and I need to take care of myself and help out.

    Your step-son needs to grow the *kitten* up. If he's going to be a lazy homeless bum, that's his problem, not yours. If he has a car to get to your house, he has a car to live in until he chooses to change his circumstances.

    Also, your husband, his father, needs to grow some balls. It shouldn't be your task to talk to him as he's not your child. Your husband should want the same thing you do and offending his dead-beat son should not be a deciding factor. After 18, he's an adult and needs to behave like one.
  • CincinnatiDEIFan
    CincinnatiDEIFan Posts: 188 Member
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    Let your husband handle it. Scary how you keep saying "he's not my son, he's my step son." You sound like a real treat. :ohwell:

    Thanks for that not nice comment. I felt it was important to establish. He lived on the east coast his whole life so our realtionship is hardly like mother and son.
    Even MORE reason why you need to talk to your HUSBAND and HE needs to handle this. Or at least it needs to be done TOGETHER and not just coming from YOU. I had a step mother once. She made me feel like such a nuisance and so unwanted I hated her. Thank GOD my dad came to his senses and left her.

    Edited to add I moved out of the house at 17 to attend college and never moved home - not even for a weekend.....
  • Espressocycle
    Espressocycle Posts: 2,245 Member
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    Move unexpectedly :) lol

    This.
  • KimmyEB
    KimmyEB Posts: 1,208 Member
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    I don't think it's even family to family culture. You are respectful of your parents space and time, you are taking care of your responsibilities, it's a different situation. I don't think it's generational, but I do think it's situational. I know that 20 years ago when my sister was completely disrespectful to my parents they changed the locks and told me that she wasn't allowed in unless they were home (when I was home alone). She's a different person now who respects my parents space and time rarely stopping in unannounced and never leaving a mess behind her, she's had a key for 15 years.

    That's exactly what I was saying. Saying it varies by family is the same as saying it varies by situation, is what I meant. My family is the same as you described--my older brother doesn't have the privileges I do, because he severely abused them. Which is a shame for my family.:ohwell:
  • lik_11
    lik_11 Posts: 433 Member
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    Your stepson probably thinks he's respecting your space by coming when you're not home, and is probably unaware that he leaves a trail every time. If you can be patient, take pictures of the messes he leaves- gather evidence of why his visits are unappreciated. When someone sits down to have a talk with him (either your husband or you MUST do this), show him the state that he leaves your house in, and justify why you don't like him treating you and your house that way.

    As many have said- you're going to have to establish the boundaries in this relationship. Don't change the locks or be passive agressive until he's proven that he can't live by the boundaries you've discussed. He will keep this behavior up until it's been addressed.

    (When my parents dropped me off at college, they told me see you at Thanksgiving. It sucked to hear that- but it made it clear where we all stood.)
  • bella_babe_86
    bella_babe_86 Posts: 503 Member
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    Change the locks!
  • ZoeLifts
    ZoeLifts Posts: 10,347 Member
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    I have a now 31 year old daughter. She was reluctant to move out when I lived in MN. I knew that she wanted to stay there. At the time she was 22 or so and she had a job at Walgreens, which didn't pay all that much, but enough for a modest apartment. I told her I was moving to PA and she got all upset. I offered to pay $200 dollars on her rent, which worked out great. That lasted a year until she moved in with a man. They broke up and she came to PA.

    Well, she settled on in to the same insecure routine of living at home. I took a job in a place a distance away from home and decided to move. She didn't want to move to where I was going, so she moved out. Recently, she started talking about moving to the town where I live. I told her that would be find as long as she had her own place. So I set up a boundary for her.

    She has a key to my apartment, but always calls before coming. This is another boundary that I set for her.

    My son, who is 26, moved out when he was 19 or 20 and has never moved back. I don't think he ever will because I set down the boundary rules right away with him. I learned from my experience with my daughter.

    I believe, though, that you shouldn't have to move in order to get your children to move out. Many children are making enough to make it on their own - if they don't go around buying everything that they believe they need. The other problem is that many children are afraid of failing. They may have insecurity issues.

    Your stepson has a boundary issue. I recognize this because he doesn't call and let you know he is stopping by. He just barges in. Your husband needd to sit down with him and explain to him your feelings. He needs to let him know that you have raised him to adulthood and it is now your time to enjoy life. You need to set down some rules, including moving his crap out of your house and that he will have to make arrangements ahead of time if he wants to 'visit'.

    I had this conversation with my daughter. Now she comes to 'visit' me and then she leaves. She always calls before coming, even though she has a key to the apartment. She doesn't store anything at my place, even though I have lots of room. Although I am not married, she recognizes that I want time to do things with my friends and maybe have a guy over, or maybe just time for myself.

    Believe me, your husband needs to have this conversation with your stepson. Otherwise, nothing will change.

    And take the key away from him.

    I agree with all of this ^ . This woman is an example of someone speaking from experience of having had to deal with this and has experienced the results of two different approaches. The only thing I would change/add is regarding this part:
    Your husband needs to sit down with him and explain to him your feelings.

    I think when your husband sits down with him it needs to be a "we feel" rather than just "your stepmom feels". You guys have to put forth a united front on this and not turn it into "well I wouldn't mind, but your stepmother does" sort of thing.

    Have you read the book Boundaries? I highly recommend it!
  • reasnableblonde
    reasnableblonde Posts: 212 Member
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    Leave a big batch of crotchless underthings and other unmentionables in the washing machine for him to find when he freeloads laundry facilities?

    Joking aside, he's 27 years old. No need to spare his feelings - he needs to grow up. I moved out on my own at 21 and danced out the door. My brother had to be kicked out, but guess what? He's 28, renting a house near his military base (he actually enlisted when he got the boot from our mom) with his long-term girlfriend, and loving his independence. Sometimes tough love is the best thing for 'em.

    Otherwise, change the locks.

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