Cheating on your Spouse
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ha! funny i should read this now. I've found myself in quite the situatin and since everyone's on the topic maybe I could tell ya'll a little story.
About 4 years ago I became best mates with a guy from work, we'd party 6 out of 7 nights a week at his place (lad town) and one very drunken night we went to bed. No problems, until I found out he was engaged and this was normal behaviour for him to get drunk with girls and take them to bed. His fiance` lived 3 hours away and beinga nice christian girl had said she wanted to wait until marriage to live together. So I watched as this behaviour continued and asked him what the hell he was doing to which I was told "I dont want to marry her, I'm going to call it off, proposing was a rushed and stupid mistake" anyway after suggesting he go to councilling or talk to someone other than me about his issues he decided to go ahead with the wedding. We spoke and I made it clear that his behaviour needed to stop the moment they say "I do" 3 months after their honeymoon he confesses to me he cheated on her again about 2 weeks after they got back. I was furious but didn't know what to do... I didn't talk to him for a while and didn't visit them. He said he was remorsefull etc etc so I thought, "ok maybe he's learnt from this" and decided to leave it. About one month ago (after we'd formed a very close knit group of friends) he confessed to me again that he'd slept with our friends ex gf the night before hand while his wife was away visiting her family. He told me it was "because he's not attracted to her anymore, and sleeping with someone else makes him feel wanted and increases his libido to be with her" I left his house within about 20 minutes... 4 days later I told him to meet up with me at a pub cause i needed to talk to him. I asked him to come clean to our friend because it was destroying my friendship with him having this huge elephant around, he said he would and then started texting me 15 minutes after we left saying that I was trying to ruin his marriage and black mailing him and that our friend wouldn't cope with the news. All I said to himw as "you have until the end of the weekend, I didn't do anything to ruin your life" 1 and ahalf weeks later I finally got the courage to tell our friend. He was glad that I'd told him, but because of it our group of friends has been torn apart and we havent spoken to the husband or wife since.
I've just found out that the husband has started hanging out with an old group of people I used to know who all condone and involve themselves in cheating on their partners.
I'm now torn as to whether I should come clean and tell his wife the whole truth, the girls while he was engaged, married and how she actually got an STD rather than the story she was spun.0 -
Risk of loss of power. If you are contemplating cheating and you tell your spouse, then you risk that they may lose faith and leave. You're no longer the one getting to choose.0
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Many reasons here. I actually know someone very close to the family in this very spot. Together for 8-9 years, Bad relationship from the start, very one sided. Now the one who has been "dumped" on the whole time is cheating and won't leave. There could be one of many facets: 1) They are afraid to be alone but want to find those moments of happiness. 2) They feel the cheating is partial payback. 3) They want to find something else they really want before leaving. 4) They have kids and are worried about how that will affect them. 5) They are just a bad hearted person or have terrible communication or confrontation skills.
There are a myriad more of reasons, but this is just s few. It boggles my mind how anyone can do this to another person, especially one that they loved at one time. Sad.0 -
Sometimes people just grow apart but are afraid to make the commitment to leave. I know of a guy whose wife started cheating on him and they were married 31 years at the time. He was devastated but he was willing to forgive the wife and the other man. He wanted to still work on the marriage. She said she still had feelings for the other man and they are going through a divorce right now. He said he probably was not always the best husband. I really believe from what they said, they grew apart over the years. Hard, hard stuff. She did tell him eventually though before he found out himself. Just after the fact. Guilt, I suppose.0
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Instead what often happens is a wife/husband just cheats or packs up and leaves without any word of warning! I mean, yes there is the "unspoken warnings" but i figure if you have been with someone for 5, 6, 7 - 50 years you would be able to approach them and SAY "I am thinking of ending the relationship/cheating/leaving..etc".
So - please, someone enlighten me to this phenomena as to WHY A SPOUSE DOES NOT TELL THEIR PARTNER THEY ARE CONTEMPLATING CHEATING/LEAVING?
I'm into psychology, too. It's what I have my bachelor's in. One of the classes I took focused on close relationships. One of the things I focused on (in my major paper) was how stress is coped with in the dyadic relationship might bring people closer together or make a couple less likely to remain together. However, one of the key factors you're bringing up here is communication. Communication is key. Unfortunately couples don't always communicate well. People in general don't always communicate well. People are afraid of how they will be perceived if they say certain things or ask for certain things in their relationship. Or people don't need to communicate for a while, when things are all hunky-dory, so they don't have any time set aside for it, and then they don't feel like they can find the right time or moment to bring something important up to their spouse.
At least that's my opinion on it. We had a couples therapist come in to talk about how important communication is, and in my opinion it's still hard. I love talking, but often what I say isn't the really important stuff.0 -
My boyfriend asked me to marry him, and I said yes. I felt loved, secure, stable... And after he asked me to marry him, he started being stingy with his phone, keeping it away from me and on his person at all times. Even if he got up in the night to go to the bathroom. I thought he was shopping for jewelry.
About three months later, he told me what was up. He was thinking of cheating, he was searching on Craigslist for lovers. This devastated me, but he hadn't cheated. That was what was the most important. He told me before he did anything truly bad. After I was angry (I yelled, he left, I demanded his emails with strangers, etc.. And eventually poured my drink over his head to initiate a conversation) we talked together and agreed to see a therapist about our co-dependency issues. He didn't really want sex or love from someone else - he just felt trapped, because he asked me to marry him. It didn't even have anything to do with me.
People cheat for lots of reasons. It says a lot if they talk about it before it happens.0 -
Instead what often happens is a wife/husband just cheats or packs up and leaves without any word of warning! I mean, yes there is the "unspoken warnings" but i figure if you have been with someone for 5, 6, 7 - 50 years you would be able to approach them and SAY "I am thinking of ending the relationship/cheating/leaving..etc".
So - please, someone enlighten me to this phenomena as to WHY A SPOUSE DOES NOT TELL THEIR PARTNER THEY ARE CONTEMPLATING CHEATING/LEAVING?
I'm into psychology, too. It's what I have my bachelor's in. One of the classes I took focused on close relationships. One of the things I focused on (in my major paper) was how stress is coped with in the dyadic relationship might bring people closer together or make a couple less likely to remain together. However, one of the key factors you're bringing up here is communication. Communication is key. Unfortunately couples don't always communicate well. People in general don't always communicate well. People are afraid of how they will be perceived if they say certain things or ask for certain things in their relationship. Or people don't need to communicate for a while, when things are all hunky-dory, so they don't have any time set aside for it, and then they don't feel like they can find the right time or moment to bring something important up to their spouse.
At least that's my opinion on it. We had a couples therapist come in to talk about how important communication is, and in my opinion it's still hard. I love talking, but often what I say isn't the really important stuff.
Thank you. I am actually a counsellor. I preach communication on a daily basis! This is actually my boyfriends second brother to go through a divorce in less that 4 months apart. The first separation was because the wife packed up and left - said NOTHING, just packed up and left! (They were not even fighting when she left, so it was really surprising). Then this one with the wife cheating just came out on saturday. The family will obviously be hit hard from these 2 divorces in less than 4 months apart.
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years...and in the process of talking about engagement and marriage prep. I have always been "unsure" about marriage. These two incidents of separation has really frightened me. I am thinking "What is the point of getting married. You are happy, you go miserable, then you leave." I am just learning about this to be preventative and make sure I am well prepared in a marriage. Luckily I have a strong grasp on communication and the importance of it.
This has been a relief to hear this. 0 -
My boyfriend asked me to marry him, and I said yes. I felt loved, secure, stable... And after he asked me to marry him, he started being stingy with his phone, keeping it away from me and on his person at all times. Even if he got up in the night to go to the bathroom. I thought he was shopping for jewelry.
About three months later, he told me what was up. He was thinking of cheating, he was searching on Craigslist for lovers. This devastated me, but he hadn't cheated. That was what was the most important. He told me before he did anything truly bad. After I was angry (I yelled, he left, I demanded his emails with strangers, etc.. And eventually poured my drink over his head to initiate a conversation) we talked together and agreed to see a therapist about our co-dependency issues. He didn't really want sex or love from someone else - he just felt trapped, because he asked me to marry him. It didn't even have anything to do with me.
People cheat for lots of reasons. It says a lot if they talk about it before it happens.
I would never think I would say this after reading an experience like this, but consider yourself lucky! I would be angry, but really proud if my boyfriend was considering cheating and was able to own up and tell me before it went to actual "cheating".0 -
I believe a cheater has self esteem issues.
Anybody can cheat, but it takes a real husband/wife to be faithful0 -
Assuming the relationship still has some value, it's probably just a matter of risk aversion (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Risk_aversion). The risks are the same between talking to the spouse and cheating, which is that the relationship will end. However if you cheat, you have a lot more (perceived if not actual) control over the situation.0
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My wife's response was that she honestly felt that I wouldn't care. :noway:0
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People cheat because they are chicken *kitten*...My ex husband cheated when I was unable to work Keep in mind I had a job where I earned 100 grand a year and owned 2 houses and 2 new cars. He cheated and I am 100 times hotter than him. Those types of people just have no clue. Now I'm remarried with a new house and 2 new cars while he sports an apartment.0
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There is NEVER any excuse to cheat. Talk it out or leave. There can be no excuses. There is right and wrong & "I am not happy" doesn't serve to make it OK to do wrong.Hey everyone.
I have recently found out that one of my "brother-in-law's" wife has been cheating on him (for at least the last month for what we now know of). The family is fairly devastated, and this in my eyes is tragic. They both appeared to be so happy and "in love" on the outside - but I guess we never really know what happens behind the closed doors of a marriage.
Now I get it - people cheat. They cheat because they are not getting any at home, they cheat for the "excitement" (perhaps followed by a rush of guilt!), they cheat because they no longer love their partner and just want to feel wanted by someone. These are some of the reasons for cheating.
I want to know WHY DO SPOUSES NOT TELL THEIR PARTNER THEY ARE THINKING OF CHEATING? I mean especially a married couple!! My in-laws were together for 7 years, and it just blows my mind that the wife could not approach her HUSBAND and say "Look, I am not happy in our marriage and I have been contemplating cheating on you". or "I am not happy, I am thinking of leaving". Instead what often happens is a wife/husband just cheats or packs up and leaves without any word of warning! I mean, yes there is the "unspoken warnings" but i figure if you have been with someone for 5, 6, 7 - 50 years you would be able to approach them and SAY "I am thinking of ending the relationship/cheating/leaving..etc".
So - please, someone enlighten me to this phenomena as to WHY A SPOUSE DOES NOT TELL THEIR PARTNER THEY ARE CONTEMPLATING CHEATING/LEAVING?
I have a few ideas, but I would love to hear other opinions as well as if you were the one who cheated *if you want*0 -
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There's no real "reason" people do it. Only excuses. I did it. I had it justified in my mind. I had some really good excuses. But that's all they were was excuses. There is no justification for it. It also ruined my marriage. But in the end, you can't run from your own conscience.0
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I read the original post. I did not read all of the replies, skipped right to my reply.
I ask the same question. I was very open with my husband, I said in the very beginning, Please...if there is anything that we owe each other is honesty. If you (or I) ever feel like we want out or something else, have the courtesy to leave first.
Fast forward 15 years. I suspected for many years that something was going on with him. He would stay out, lie, make up whatever story and whenever I would confront him about it, he would tell me it was all in my head. I was crazy, I needed to go on anxiety medication, or antidepressants. So, I did, I thought I was crazy and imagining it.
Turns out I wasn't, there were many, many affairs. My kids walked in on him in MY house with a woman when I was out of town for a wedding. He tried to talk his way out of it. I kept trying to make it work, I kept going for 2 more years until one day I said.
YOU EITHER WANT TO BE A HUSBAND AND A FATHER, OR YOU WANT TO BE SINGLE.
His answer? I will always be a father...and he walked out the door. Now this is the short version, we had many conversations when I knew he wanted out but he didn't go. Do you know what he waited for? A woman that could support him. That's right he found himself a Sugar Mama. Of course she got sick of his nonsense and kicked him to the curb.
Now he is married to the wh%%re that my kids walked in on him with. And you know what? He cheated on her too. Some people are going to do it no matter what. Some people just lie. And I didn't say men...I said people. It works both ways.0 -
Look, if a spouse is considering cheating, it seems to me that the relationship between the two spouses has already deteriorated to the point where communication is difficult or non-existent. Telling someone that they are thinking of cheating is being brutally honest. Being honest is not something that occurs when communication is difficult. How, then, would one expect the would-be-cheater to approach the other spouse and let them know what's going on?
And, for the record, communication is a two-way street, be it the would-be-cheater or the innocent spouse.0 -
He turned off his cell phone when we were together. This meant he could not be reached by his 94 year old Father with whom he lives. He said it was because of telemarketers calling. He also became more distant from me in some ways. Our sex life was still really good so I don't think this had to do with sex. He turned off the internet connection to his smart phone. He was up late at night and in the middle of the night on his computer. He became way over the top in saying how much he loves me and misses me when we aren't together and can't wait until we get married. He started drinking heavily and taking his friends prescription pills. These are a few.0
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As a therapist I find that often times people who cheat are just as surprised to discover they have cheated as the spouse. They often describe feeling suddenly "alive again" or "a switch turned on" and it is as though they had become numb in the marriage or relationship, and became swept away in the good feelings of the moment with the other person so quickly and/or powerfully that it was easier to give in to that moment than to resist and then return home to do the hard work of repairing a marriage. It is true that some plan their cheating or feel entitled to it, but many simply find themselves there and wonder how they got there. Its much easier to see the red flags in hindsight. In a marriage, its important to make room for arguments and grievances, as well as joy and passion. Good communication is important, but staying aware of your own feelings has to come first in order for communication to be useful. I think that's where many people stumble. They don't even know how unhappy they are to begin with.0
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My wife of 22 years left me. I later found out she also was also cheating on me. If you find the answer to this question I would like to know the answer. In 22 years I may of thought about cheating, but never acted on it.0
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I can understand freaking out about being with one person the rest of your life...but I also think that, if you weren't ready for that, you shouldn't have said yes or otherwise agreed to be in a long term thing. I have never cheated or even considered it, but there was once when I felt I had been kind of accidentally flirting with a friend on FB. I felt so terrible about it that I broke down crying and told him. He kind of chuckled and honestly didn't care. I showed him what I had been saying and I was worried that I was going to hurt him. It's not as if I had been messaging this guy privately, just through comments and stuff, and I hadn't even MEANT to flirt! But I felt so terribly I told him anyway. He thought it really said something about my character that I'd tell him about this when it wasn't even a big deal, even a little deal, and he said that if he hadn't trusted me before, which he did, he definitely did now.0
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The crappy part is when you are clear about your wants/needs, and it's ignored, the rejection hurts. It's a slap in the face, and it becomes obvious that the other person doesn't cherish or value you, let alone love you in the way you need.0
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Selfishness. Pure selfishness.0
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Look, if a spouse is considering cheating, it seems to me that the relationship between the two spouses has already deteriorated to the point where communication is difficult or non-existent. Telling someone that they are thinking of cheating is being brutally honest. Being honest is not something that occurs when communication is difficult. How, then, would one expect the would-be-cheater to approach the other spouse and let them know what's going on?
And, for the record, communication is a two-way street, be it the would-be-cheater or the innocent spouse.
Touche.0 -
I have been dating the same man for 5 years. We are engaged to be married. I recently listened to my intuition that something was wrong. He denied anything. I became my own private investigator. I have proof that he has been cheating on me. He has also been contacting and meeting women from Craigslist. We aren't even married yet! I don't understand. Our sex life is good. We go out together and have fun alot. It's obviously ruined our relationship.
I can't answer your question. Perhaps I'll learn something from some of your replies. It really sucks.
I am so sorry to hear this. It is just crazy how he could not have told you he thought there was issues/he was not happy. You would think you could trust a person enough to say something...especially a future husband.
What lead to your intuition? Was there any signs now that you think back?
He turned off his cell phone when we were together. This meant he could not be reached by his 94 year old Father with whom he lives. He said it was because of telemarketers calling. He also became more distant from me in some ways. Our sex life was still really good so I don't think this had to do with sex. He turned off the internet connection to his smart phone. He was up late at night and in the middle of the night on his computer. He became way over the top in saying how much he loves me and misses me when we aren't together and can't wait until we get married. He started drinking heavily and taking his friends prescription pills. These are a few0 -
staying aware of your own feelings has to come first in order for communication to be useful. I think that's where many people stumble. They don't even know how unhappy they are to begin with.
This, along with your entire post, makes a lot of sense.0 -
there where so many levels as to why I cheated why I didn't tell her after it happen, we talked a lot before it happen why we where not happy with each other
Why did I have sex with another women there was a thrill of a chase that someone still thought I was sexy some one the wasn't being a Bit** to me.0 -
My husband and I were both unhappy about a year ago. We sat down and talked about everything and decided to go and see a counsellor. A year later, we are not only still together, but also extremely happy and about to start a family.
It really is all about communication. If we hadn't communicated, who knows where we would be now?0 -
All I know is that:
It takes a real man/woman to cheat on their spouse.
Uhm. Sarcasm? If not, I'd love an explanation lol0 -
Bump to read later0
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