Cheating on your Spouse

I don't think there is any universal reason why people cheat on the one they love, but I do think most people who do cheat feel that it only affects them, not their relationship or the one they love. I think it is easy for many, if not most of us to compartmentalize one part of our life from another. I don't make this comment from a lofty perch, but because I did something I wish I could take back, but thank god didn't go too far for my future wife to be unable to forgive me.

I went to a conference when we were dating and I met a woman who i found attractive and more important for my ego, she found me attractive. Nothing happened on the trip, but we did exchange numbers and soon afterwards, she was going to find herself in my city. We made plans to see each other and then were sending inappropriate texts back and forth. A few days before she arrived my girlfriend confronted me in the middle of the night, in tears and apologizing for going through my texts. She said she knew I hadn't cheated yet, but I was on my way and why would I do that.

There was a lot more to it, but long story short (too late), she forgave me and I learned only through the pain I caused her, that cheating is not something that happens outside your relationship. I may have already known it, but I didn't feel it. I know that i could borrow on our house and gamble the money away, tell her she's gotten REALLY fat, do any number of insensitive things that I could never imagine myself doing, but only one thing would destroy us, breaking this vow. I wish I hadn't learned at the expense of the pain I caused her, but I know I am luckier than I am able to express that she didn't leave me, she forgave me and she eventually married me.

I still flirt around a bit, but I do tell her about it. I find women sexually attractive, I'm less likely to share that fact as clearly. I always remind myself that besides loving her, I genuinely like her more than anyone else I know, so why cause her a pain I would dream on visiting another person in this world.

Sometimes they might want the security of home and the excitement of something new. If they can keep it up they can have the best of both worlds.

^

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this!

honestly, i think cheating should be allowed, or at least swinging. It's fun to have something different once in awhile. Imagine your favorite food. Now imagine eating it 3 times a day. How long before you get tired of it?

I use to think "oh i just need the perfect girl and then I'd NEVER want someone else". Well, finally got her, sexy slim exotic dancer. Men loved her, women were jealous, amazing in bed, and I still wanted something else after a few months.

i think it's human nature to never settle, never be content, to always want to push the boundaries, go a little further than before

THey're not happy, but they can't bare the thought of actually telling the person they're not happy. The easy way out I suppose, for the short term anyway.

honestly, i think cheating should be allowed, or at least swinging. It's fun to have something different once in awhile. Imagine your favorite food. Now imagine eating it 3 times a day. How long before you get tired of it?

I use to think "oh i just need the perfect girl and then I'd NEVER want someone else". Well, finally got her, sexy slim exotic dancer. Men loved her, women were jealous, amazing in bed, and I still wanted something else after a few months.

i think it's human nature to never settle, never be content, to always want to push the boundaries, go a little further than before

Maybe the relationship was too shallow, and that's why you wanted something else?

honestly, i think cheating should be allowed, or at least swinging. It's fun to have something different once in awhile. Imagine your favorite food. Now imagine eating it 3 times a day. How long before you get tired of it?

I use to think "oh i just need the perfect girl and then I'd NEVER want someone else". Well, finally got her, sexy slim exotic dancer. Men loved her, women were jealous, amazing in bed, and I still wanted something else after a few months.

i think it's human nature to never settle, never be content, to always want to push the boundaries, go a little further than before

Maybe the relationship was too shallow, and that's why you wanted something else?

No, it is NATURE taking its course.

Of course, we can make choices. Some choose to be monogamous and others tend to go with their instinct.

I think opportunity and temptation meet.

I've heard "still in love, but not happy and I tried telling you..."

Another way this happens is because of poor boundaries. A married man or woman should never, ever be alone with a member of the opposite sex. Even if that person is your best friend. why? Because it is all too easy for sparks to start flying out of nowhere. Also, safeguard yourself. When interacting with people act as if your spouse is over your shoulder, hearing everything, seeing everything. This way you can ask yourself if they would be okay with your behavior if they had seen it. I think this is a great way to guard yourself from adultery.

Speechless........

Hey everyone.

I have recently found out that one of my "brother-in-law's" wife has been cheating on him (for at least the last month for what we now know of). The family is fairly devastated, and this in my eyes is tragic. They both appeared to be so happy and "in love" on the outside - but I guess we never really know what happens behind the closed doors of a marriage.

Now I get it - people cheat. They cheat because they are not getting any at home, they cheat for the "excitement" (perhaps followed by a rush of guilt!), they cheat because they no longer love their partner and just want to feel wanted by someone. These are some of the reasons for cheating.

I want to know WHY DO SPOUSES NOT TELL THEIR PARTNER THEY ARE THINKING OF CHEATING? I mean especially a married couple!! My in-laws were together for 7 years, and it just blows my mind that the wife could not approach her HUSBAND and say "Look, I am not happy in our marriage and I have been contemplating cheating on you". or "I am not happy, I am thinking of leaving". Instead what often happens is a wife/husband just cheats or packs up and leaves without any word of warning! I mean, yes there is the "unspoken warnings" but i figure if you have been with someone for 5, 6, 7 - 50 years you would be able to approach them and SAY "I am thinking of ending the relationship/cheating/leaving..etc".

So - please, someone enlighten me to this phenomena as to WHY A SPOUSE DOES NOT TELL THEIR PARTNER THEY ARE CONTEMPLATING CHEATING/LEAVING?

I have a few ideas, but I would love to hear other opinions as well as if you were the one who cheated *if you want*

What negative topic for a forum...At least you appear to have all the "reasons for cheating" figured out..

.That should make your spouse very comfortable (or is it one of those warnings you refer to above?)

No, it is NATURE taking its course.

Of course, we can make choices. Some choose to be monogamous and others tend to go with their instinct.

Wow, I didn't know that someone who held the ultimate knowledge to the universe would be sitting on MFP on the forums. There is no book on what "Human Nature" is or isn't when it comes to this stuff. I think just as many people feel the natural urge to be monogamous as to be polygamous. Also, this discussion was more about why people choose not to talk to their spouse, not whether or not cheating is natural instinct.

My husband and I have went to marriage counselling and actually we thought she was nuts when she was telling us this very thing.............found 2 other counselors / therapists that stated the same thing.

It is NATURE, pure and simple.

We choose the lifestyle we wish to have. Monogamous, polygamy, etc. The natural attraction and urge is there. We choose to tune it out.

No, it is NATURE taking its course.

Of course, we can make choices. Some choose to be monogamous and others tend to go with their instinct.

Wow, I didn't know that someone who held the ultimate knowledge to the universe would be sitting on MFP on the forums. There is no book on what "Human Nature" is or isn't when it comes to this stuff. I think just as many people feel the natural urge to be monogamous as to be polygamous. Also, this discussion was more about why people choose not to talk to their spouse, not whether or not cheating is natural instinct.

We are mammals, and if we look to the mammalian world, just 3 to 5% of the about 5,000 species of mammals form lifelong, monogamous bonds - this is the case of beavers, wolves, gibbons, jackals, foxes, some bats, dwarf deer and antelopes (like dik-dik).

A strictly monogamous animal mates only inside the pair. For example, in the case of geese, albatrosses or some parrots, the death of a partner totally compromises mating for the other, for that season or for life.

But biologists say that strictly sexually monogamous species are almost non existent. Most mammals have just a social monogamy: they pair up to mate and raise offspring, but still have flings. For example, in the case of the Arctic foxes, 25 % of the litters are not fathered by the male of the pair. Having offspring from multiple fathers allows a female to increase the genetic variation in her cubs. This increase in variation improves the chances that at least one cub in a litter will have the genetically proper stuff to survive for a long term in such a harsh and changing environment.

Why Monogamy?

Monogamy is a breeding behavior that is considered to give offspring a better survival chances, as in monogamous couples females receive all the support of the male in raising newborns to adulthood, from food to protection.

It's clear: a pair achieves more food and survives better than the bachelors. The "married" jackals were found to live on average 3-4 years longer than the solitary ones.

In beaver families, there is a strong need for cooperation to maintain their dams and pools, that's why beaver social units are so tight. Thus, monogamy evolved in situations where young need a better cooperation of both parents in raising them. That's why humans, with their long childhood, form monogamous pairs.

http://news.softpedia.com/news/Humans-Are-Not-Made-Monogamous-83227.shtml

If you can't tell your spouse your not happy you shouldn't be together if you're gonna cheat behind their back anyways. I dunno why people cheat but they are being selfish and not thinking about the people they are hurting. You can't have your cake and eat it too.

Please don't start with the bible...........for one that is not allowed on the forums and #2, the bible is a MAN-written word, said to be the "word of God".

Not everyone believes in "God".

I believe with energies of the earth, nature and science backs these things up.

I don't want to do that to my husband either. So, I made a conscious CHOICE when we got married to be monogamous and faithful.

Because I made this choice and also you did to, does not mean that is the way nature is intended to be.

No, it is NATURE taking its course.

Of course, we can make choices. Some choose to be monogamous and others tend to go with their instinct.

Wow, I didn't know that someone who held the ultimate knowledge to the universe would be sitting on MFP on the forums. There is no book on what "Human Nature" is or isn't when it comes to this stuff. I think just as many people feel the natural urge to be monogamous as to be polygamous. Also, this discussion was more about why people choose not to talk to their spouse, not whether or not cheating is natural instinct.

My husband and I have went to marriage counselling and actually we thought she was nuts when she was telling us this very thing.............found 2 other counselors / therapists that stated the same thing.

It is NATURE, pure and simple.

We choose the lifestyle we wish to have. Monogamous, polygamy, etc. The natural attraction and urge is there. We choose to tune it out.

It depends on where your own starting point is ( your logic)
Yes, there is a book on human nature, it's the bible! God's word!
It says we are sinful.

So if you don't want to do the things you ought not to do, then....put it far from you.
I NEVER want to do that to my husband (and children, and other people who know me!)!!
It is true we can be attracted to others even when we are married. Duh!
I never want to go there.

Guess what.
Your "energies of the earth" are allowed on the forums.
And so is my bible.
It's how I answer the question about why people would cheat on their spouses.
Have a nice day!:flowerforyou:

It is either a lack of emotional / physical affection or both in most cases... I'm sure there are other reasons, but people wouldn't feel the need to go seek other companionship behind their SO's back unless their needs weren't being met in some way. In my experience, I think it's important for each party in a relationship to be open to new ideas and new ways of expressing affection. It's really bad when you go to your SO and open your heart to them, letting them know your deepest desires, fantasies, or fetishes, only for them to give you a look of disgust and treat you as if you're some kind of monster for wanting anything like that. People cheat because they still love their SO, so they selfishly hide the betrayal in order to keep the one they love. Having their cake and eating it too, as they say...

Yes, cheating is wrong - but I do feel like it is partially both peoples responsibility to prevent it from happening, especially when the signs are blatantly obvious before it even happens - and most especially when the one thinking of cheating has repeatedly spoken to their SO about their problems with no positive responses. Physical / emotional needs not being met does not necessarily mean a lack of love. It's just not human nature to be mated for life with one person... :P