Dear Abby, Why aren't don't older chicks try to be hotter?

I'm really at the point where I don't care what people think about how I look as long as I'm healthy. I'll dress in a style that is creative and expressive FOR ME. Frankly I dress more to impress other women than men. I'm much more concerned about whether I'm using my time on earth wisely and contributing enough to to the world and learning enough in my journey than to put a premium on the shallow things that occupied my mind in my 20s. We only have so much time here. We need to organize it by order of importance. Have I spent more time applying my makeup than volunteering? Probably and frankly that makes me sad.

My longterm partner looks like he belongs on Duck Dynasty. That's fine with me. He treats me well and is a wonderful person who does many things for others. I don't care what he looks like as long as he smells ok.

People are gonna hate me, but...Some people value health and fitness in a partner, some people don't. I don't have a problem with either type of person. This guy in the letter is just being honest - he could just go out and chase a 20 year old, if all he was looking for was hotness and youth, but he's not. He's looking for someone his age who shares his fitness values. I agree that it's not easy to find someone of EITHER sex who is in good shape at that age AND has all the other qualities that make a great mate (whatever those qualities are for you personally).

My husband and I both make an effort to maintain ourselves as we age, and it's just one part of what makes our marriage successful. We are in better shape than most of our peers. Neither one of us is particularly attracted to the typical middle-aged bodies we see out there. There's nothing shameful about being proud of yourself or your spouse for making an effort to be the best they can at whatever age they are. It's true that most people seem to have let themselves go by our age. We aren't perfect, not even close, and obviously we are aging, but WHY NOT take the best care you can - show some respect for yourself and your mate if it's something you both value. Otherwise, just do whatever your thing is. :flowerforyou:

People are gonna hate me, but...Some people value health and fitness in a partner, some people don't. I don't have a problem with either type of person. This guy in the letter is just being honest - he could just go out and chase a 20 year old, if all he was looking for was hotness and youth, but he's not. He's looking for someone his age who shares his fitness values. I agree that it's not easy to find someone of EITHER sex who is in good shape at that age AND has all the other qualities that make a great mate (whatever those qualities are for you personally).

No problem with your post at all - in fact complete agreement with your philosophy.

Doesn't anyone care that what is on the inside is WAY more important than the "wrapping paper" I agree that we should all make the best of what God gave us, but at the end of the day, I would much rather date/marry a person who is genuine, loving,respectful, honest and caring... how a person dresses is of little importance as long as they are clean and tidy. Fashion and designer clothes are just another way to show off. Sorry if this offends anyone but it is just my opinion.

I agree. To a point. For example, my husband is the most genuine, loving,respectful, honest and caring person I have ever met. That being said, it he dressed like a fuddy duddy, I wouldn't be attracted to him. Even if he smelled good and was tidy. That's just life.

Is this the main reason older men search out a younger woman (maybe with daddy issues) to date/marry? That would explain a lot. Looks like women in their 40's need to step their game up LOL

I have absolutely no problem with this man's comment. Im often surrounded by women my age plus 10-15 and I cannot believe how much freaking frump is happening.

There is a difference between preening to look good for some man, and walking out into the world head high as a dignified, classy, beautiful well put together woman. In an outfit you planned, with fresh skin and a little makeup, clean healthy hair and a bounce in your step because you feel good about the way you present yourself to the world.

I kinda feel like anyone else who gets mad at this is the people that show up at Walmart at 3pm on a Saturday afternoon in stained jogging pants and a tweety bird tshirt with their hair in a lopsided banana clip, angry that men always go for hot chicks.

^^^^ took the words right out of my mouth.


the way he worded it seemed...shallow and *kitten* like. But i really do understand what he means. Anyone that works/worked in retail has seen this. It seems like after women have a child and get into their 40s they dont give a crap what they look like or what people think about them.

I worked with a lot of ladies in their 40-50s and they constantly eat poorly (fast food and junk and soda) and then complain about their weight and men and want easy fast diets and fixes.

But I know there are also women in the same age that are beautiful and fit or at least take care of themselves and dress decent.


the point isnt that you need to get super over dressed and always cake on make up every time you get out of bed.

the point is- its having RESPECT for yourself you should take care of yourself for other people you should do it for YOU! you should get out of the bed in the morning and when youre going out in public or to school or work or anyway you should just look and feel your best so if youre comfortable in jeans and a sweatshirt and your hair in a messy bun. Thats you!

but dont wear sweats and stained tshirts every day and then ***** when men dont want you. Some things are best worn at home in private lol

Different strokes for different folks Not all men are like that though

Exactly. Some men care, some women care, some don't Some people don't think that spending what precious time they have on this earth trying to make themselves attractive to the opposite sex. Not everybody places that much value on looking good all the time (eg hair done, makeup done, etc). That's not to say it's shallow to want someone who does place value on these things, it's just different people want different things from life.

Though his letter was poorly phrased, I think it's fine to want an attractive partner...however, where is this man located? I see plenty of hot older single women all the time where I'm from, so I have to wonder, what is he putting out there that's not making the hot ladies come to him? I have a hard time believing they don't exist.

I also agree with the previous comments about "dressing up" vs "dressing for public". My sweatpants are for exercise and sitting around the house only, I'd never even run errands in them...it'd be like running errands in my underwear! It always baffled me in college to see girls in pajama pants in class...is putting on jeans THAT hard?

I've been a fan of online dating for a long time and have successfully started two long term relationships from it in the past Unlike the people who say that women just do online dating because they are super picky or are attention whoring, there are a lot of people out there who just don't meet a lot of eligible people in their daily life or are shy and don't want to go the whole, pick up people at parties/bars/coffee shops/etc. Almost all of the guys that I would want to date are already in relationships, so sometimes online dating is just a lot easier.

...I would much rather date/marry a person who is genuine, loving,...

I always see people saying they'd rather have a nice person than an attractive person, but why should I have to choose between the two? They are not mutually exclusive, you know. My husband is all of the above AND attractive. Are you saying that in order to find a genuine, loving, respectful, honest and caring person you have to pick a total slob? It's like there's an assumption that people who take care of themselves are shallow and unlovable. I don't get that when I see people saying it. Some of the nicest people I know are overweight, and some of the biggest A-holes I know are overweight. Same with fit people. People are people and you shouldn't have to set low standards - physically or emotionally. You should find a person who is right for you on the inside and who is also attractive to you on the outside. (Attractive means different things to different people - not everyone is attracted to fit people. Some folks prefer teddy bears...)

Ok, I am a single mom and have been raising my daughter for the past 12 years. I barely make it each month and I have to work 45 to 50 hours a week just to do so. In the last 2 years I had to cancel my gym membership and turn off cable. I blame this on the economy and high gas prices. If your a single father what is your X doing? Probably raising your children while your at the gym.
A typical man who doesn't take responsibility. Maybe this is why! Men get it so easy!

Just because you have had some bad experiences with men (or perhaps made some poor choices in partners) doesn't mean you can generalize that ALL men have it "easy" and don't take responsibility. What a ridiculous comment and insulting generalization.

^^ Thank You :flowerforyou:

Nonsense. Utter nonsense.

I'm not a teenager anymore. The only person I need to impress is myself.
My energies are directed to volunteering and serving my community locally and globally.
I'm not going to pretty myself up hoping some superficial guy will notice me.
Seriously, I have far better things to do.

Utter superficial nonsense.

After a divorce (remarried now, got lucky to find the man for me) I had talked to men that were extremely huge, and the flab around their neck is sore from not bathing correctly, still had the guts to say they like "smaller women" and same for some women I have met. Extremely heavy,could use a little paint on the ole barn and say how they like a buffed out thinner man. I guess it gets me cause,, while they, themselves do not do anything to look better, "expect" the one they want, to be a certain way. They honestly think they will snag someone or will be attractive to someone like they are attracted to and not fit the same senario that they are seeking? I may be weird, but buffed out men I had met were all over themselves. I found myself liking men who were neat and clean but as far as looks, I was never one to do a quick turn and say "wow" look at that stud etc. I liked to know them as a person first. I have seen some darn good looking men with a woman I would have never thought would have fit his appearance and thought how the heck did she get him? (course the woman was thin) That was my reasoning since men tend to go for that.
My husband caught my interest because first, he was easy to talk to,had a great sense of humor and listened. THEN I noticed, gee, this guy is tall( being 5'9 myself,) I like tall, he is pretty handsome too. he was kinda thin, (I like the meatier guys I guess cause I was bigger) but found out most guys like smaller and thinner. We were friends for about a year as I was dating a guy who was younger, handsome,(a con artist I found out later) and thought I was totally in love. Later on in our relationship he treated me like dirt and (my husband now) listened to my whining and tried to give advice. After I finally broke it off, (my husband now) asked, "Are you done with this guy?" I said half heartedly "yes", he said "Good, can I date you now?" We had been friends for so long I never thought of him as a potential partner.
I guess What I am really trying to say is, looks aren't everything and most people overlook something that is already in their back yard, but are still looking for the dream person they want. They may not go GA GA right away, but getting to know a person who is treating you right and with respect, is worth giving a shot to. Each day we were together made me fall in love with him even though it wasn't a "wow" factor, love at first sight situation. Course I am older and my hormones settled down along time ago LOL

I have absolutely no problem with this man's comment. Im often surrounded by women my age plus 10-15 and I cannot believe how much freaking frump is happening.

There is a difference between preening to look good for some man, and walking out into the world head high as a dignified, classy, beautiful well put together woman. In an outfit you planned, with fresh skin and a little makeup, clean healthy hair and a bounce in your step because you feel good about the way you present yourself to the world.

I kinda feel like anyone else who gets mad at this is the people that show up at Walmart at 3pm on a Saturday afternoon in stained jogging pants and a tweety bird tshirt with their hair in a lopsided banana clip, angry that men always go for hot chicks.

What she said ^^

yep ^^

cloths make the man