RANT: I hate my teenager

Beneath all the behavior, he sounds literally scared to be an adult.

obviously you didn't beat him enough. Rectify this. Immediately.

I agree 'Hate' is a strong word. Our children are true blessings so it is always so important to remember that when you are frustrated. If you have always instilled in him morals and the importance of working hard and trying to better oneself, then it will come to him someday. I can only say that I remember me as an 18 year old and looking back, I thought I was super smart and knew all the answers, but really didn't have a clue, lol. Once our children reach 18 and are able to be on their own, we can just keep loving them, praying for them , and looking for opportunities to teach them.

"hate" is a pretty strong word. I am sure you LOVE him but you are very frusterated with him. Don't give in to the passport. If he really wants one, he can work for it. It would be one thing if he was working and didn't have enought money for the passport but, he isn't even working. Sometimes, they need to hit rock bottom to realize they need to get off their butt and work for what they want. Stay strong! Tough Love

privilage is something thats earned. id be afraid that with the lack of responsibility in other areas of his life, that drinking is NOT a good idea for him at all! im not gonna hate on you for using the word 'hate' lol. i have 2 kids, 5&3yrs old. somedays i hate the things they do, but i know u dont mean that u actually hate him. lol. parenting can be frustrating at times to say the least. i understand that 100%. im worried about what the world will be like by the time my kids r teens.
tell him to get a job or finish school or get out. our job as moms are to help them along their life paths, not give them tools to destroy it. am i right?

The bad parenting comments need to stop, because that pisses me off. My brother and I are 5 years apart, raised in the same household(s) (my parents are divorced and have been since I was young, however they do work together, they set the same rules and put their discrepancies aside for myself and my brother). I am getting my masters, graduated undergrad with honors, work my *kitten* off for everything I have ever had and appreciate everything my parents do for me. My brother is 18, has been in trouble with the law 3 different times, and thinks life should be handed to him on a silver platter. My grandma also had a similar situation, she had 3 kids, all raised in the same fashion, my oldest uncle is a lawyer in DC, my mom (the youngest) is a successful real estate agent, and my other uncle (the middle child) suffers from severe alcholism and can't stay sober long enough to do anythin with his life. Doesn't make any of them a bad parent, in fact my parents are WONDERFUL parents and would and have bent over backwards for myself and my brother. There are plenty of people who do bad things who had great parents, and there are plenty of people who do great things who had awful parents, this is why personality and pathology is a combination of nature and nutrure, not just nurture. This is why majority of the psychaitric illnesses aren't seen among both identical twins, usually just one.

I would say a little tough love is needed, my brother is getting this tough love now and hopefully it'll be enough reality for him to realize everything. Its hard, but stay strong on your choices and don't give in, because when you're giving in, you're essentially reinforcing the negative behavior.

I do however agree that hate is a really strong word to use towards your own child, you may dislike/hate his behaviors, but I can gaurentee you don't hate him.

I agree. "Hate" is never a word to use with your own child.

If he wants his passport tell him to get it. He's an adult. Tell him to go to school everyday, get a job, pay you $300 a month for rent, or move out.

My parents told us from an early age that if we weren't in school and over the age of 18 we were to pay rent.

My parents said the same thing. If your not going to college, you pay rent!

I didn't read through all th responses so forgive me if this has already been covered but.....

He has no job and is still a student who barely goes to school so I can see why you wouldn't give the passport for buying alcohol here's my question....where is he getting money to go to the liquor store and to put gas in the car to go to said store?

I have an almost 18 year old myself, and how she is supposed to be an "adult" in the next few months, which is beyond me, but that being said you don't get to use my car, ask for my money, etc, if you act like a jerk. So are there mixed messages to this kid?

hate is a strong word for your child......

I agree with the above comment.

Not to mention, kids are usually a reflection of their parents and their upbringing. So something tells me that the parenting in his life was probably lacking somewhere along the way.

unfortunately i agree with this.

First, yes, hate is a very strong word. You should note that you hate his actions, and not the person. His actions will change over time, and you will no longer hate them.

Now, to the point. I see a lot of people blaming the OP. "He's YOUR child. YOU raised him. Unless he was raised by someone else (I obviously don't know your family situation), this is YOUR product, MOM."

He was not "only" raised by his mom. He was raised by everyone in the community. Everyone he meets and associates with influences who he is. Kids at school have more influence over a child's demeanor than any parent ever will. That's a problem in this world today. Your kid screws up and it's YOUR fault, not the kid's. This man is 18 years old, has his own mind, and is expected by our society to act like a man and not a mama's boy child. I won't call what you should do "tough love". I will call it "necessary parenting". A child will not stand on his own two feet if you are willing to carry him. It's human nature. Push this little bird out of the nest and watch him learn to fly.

I agree with this 100%. I cannot believe that horrible person who throws the blame solely on you, OP. She clearly has no teenagers of her own. Or class. I remember how I was as a teenager. I was an absolute nightmare; insolent, stubborn, disrespectful, lazy, and disobedient. It had nothing to do with my parents. Not a damn thing. My parents were loving, patient, and very firm, and they stood back and watched me crash and burn a few times until I grew up and realized what a sh*tty little snothead I'd been all those years. Some (read: "MOST") teenagers will be little jerks for a while. The trick is to not give in to them, stand your ground in a loving manner.

I WOULD choose a less harsh word than hate, though. Just my opinion.

He is not getting the passport -- it's locked in the safe. As to those who blame the parents - maybe -- our message of education, education, take responsibility, be successful, go to school has obviously had the opposite effect on him.

Once he's 18, can you legally do this? I'm American (though a not-so-far south neighbor with Canadian family), and these issues have come up... but for our elderly family members, living trust, power of attorney, etc.

Do you have any court orders saying your son can't attain his legal identification? If it exists, and you're arbitrarily keeping it in a safe, I'm pretty sure you're violating your son's rights for the sake of his "lazy attitude."

While this may be true, as OP stated before, her teenager has no job, so good luck to him in paying for a lawyer to MAKE his mom give up the passport! Lol! He can't expect to live in the real world of adult rights and litigation and court orders if he doesn't even ACT like an adult. He wants to live like a child, let him be treated like a child.

I have a 10 month old, and I hope I never get to the point where I'm so jaded that I tell a bunch of strangers on a forum that I hate him.


Wow, just wow.

if you do, don't worry. It's not a sign of your parenting, and even if it were, it isn't your fault.

I would curse every one of you who have kids that aren't teens yet judging this. But, fortunately life has already cursed you. LOLOLOLOL. Someday you will all feel pretty stupid with your TODAY opinion.

I think you have better things to worry about then getting your kid drunk.

The bad parenting comments need to stop, because that pisses me off. My brother and I are 5 years apart, raised in the same household(s) (my parents are divorced and have been since I was young, however they do work together, they set the same rules and put their discrepancies aside for myself and my brother). I am getting my masters, graduated undergrad with honors, work my *kitten* off for everything I have ever had and appreciate everything my parents do for me. My brother is 18, has been in trouble with the law 3 different times, and thinks life should be handed to him on a silver platter. My grandma also had a similar situation, she had 3 kids, all raised in the same fashion, my oldest uncle is a lawyer in DC, my mom (the youngest) is a successful real estate agent, and my other uncle (the middle child) suffers from severe alcholism and can't stay sober long enough to do anythin with his life. Doesn't make any of them a bad parent, in fact my parents are WONDERFUL parents and would and have bent over backwards for myself and my brother. There are plenty of people who do bad things who had great parents, and there are plenty of people who do great things who had awful parents, this is why personality and pathology is a combination of nature and nutrure, not just nurture. This is why majority of the psychaitric illnesses aren't seen among both identical twins, usually just one.

I would say a little tough love is needed, my brother is getting this tough love now and hopefully it'll be enough reality for him to realize everything. Its hard, but stay strong on your choices and don't give in, because when you're giving in, you're essentially reinforcing the negative behavior.

I do however agree that hate is a really strong word to use towards your own child, you may dislike/hate his behaviors, but I can gaurentee you don't hate him.

^^^ This.

I hatehatehate when people say, "You're not a parent. How can you know."

I'm not a parent, but I was the person who spends nearly the same amount of time with your kid as you did. I was a teacher, I was a caregiver, and I was also a special needs instructor who worked with children with behavioral issues and emotional disturbances.

I'd say the ratio was probably half/half: half of the kids had issues regardless of their fantastically supportive parents, and half of them had issues because of parents who were no longer in the picture because of abuse, or who were poor parents and were often reluctant to meet with us, care for their child, etc. Sometimes there were parents who literally seemed like they could give a ****. This is not just when I worked with special needs, either--this was also when I worked in a classroom where I taught honors students.

Edit: As a further anecdote. I had children that were violent, very disruptive, etc... with very patient parents who constantly worked with us to monitor his behavior, his progress, etc. I also had a child that was very hostile and used incredibly foul language. He was six. His parents attacked us whenever we made reports, and I will never remember the time the mother said to me, "You're not a parent. You don't know." She also said, "This is America, where we have a right to defend ourselves" after the child attempted to be beat the **** out of another child for walking past him and "disrupting his concentration" when he was playing a game.

Extreme examples, but there you go. One's not always an objective observer of oneself.

That's kind of par for the course: kids are equal parts nature and nurture.

That being said, you can't discount the nurture aspect.

On the flipside, I now take care of my stroke-ridden grandfather who has lost all short-term memory and now has impaired judgment. He behaves, quite literally, like a teenager... but is an adult who has independence for a long time.

I wouldn't say I "hate" the things he does, or ever hate him. Not as a joke, not as a means to get attention on a post (and trust me, I've put some pretty racey titles just to get comments)... because I can not even fathom linking the word "hate" with a family member, and I had very rough upbringing.

And if you're thinking, "But that poor man can't help that his judgment's been impaired by a stroke!", you should realize judgement isn't completely developed for everyone at 18...

And we've come full circle.