Christmas, porn & a nasty virus

pastorswife78
pastorswife78 Posts: 4
in Chit-Chat
Okay.. I have an issue that I would like some advice regarding. The issue starts with my husband. We have been married for 12 years. I found out during our first year of marriage that he liked porn. Of course, he's a guy and I know that most guys like porn, so I can get over that. However, it started to interfere with our relationship and it felt like he was turning to porn rather than to me for whatever reason. We talked about it and he agreed to stop watching and to talk to me whenever he was having a desire to watch it again. This worked for several years. Things have been better and we have both been happier (or so I assumed).

Yesterday (on Christmas morning), he woke up early at like 4am and decided to do some surfing on the internet. Of course, this included porn. Unfortunately, he managed to download a virus - a nasty one called Ransomware that takes over your computer, shuts you down and scares the living daylights out of a person who was looking for porn. The virus stated that your computer had been disabled by the FBI because of child pornography. Unless you pay a fine, you will be prosecuted.. blah blah blah. He was scared - so upset that he didn't enjoy Christmas with our daughter becaues he was worried that he'd have to take presents back in able to pay the $500 fine. Dumbass!!!

Finally, around 3pm yesterday, he comes to me and asks me how much do I love him.. I respond with the usual "why?"... lol He proceeds to tell me that he managed to get a virus, hands me the laptop with the notice from the FBI on it and has the good sense to look remorseful. My first thought was that it was real and he was actually involved in child pornography. It didnt' help that he wouldn't tell me what he was looking at when he got the message. I finally got the answer from him and after calming down, I googled the message and discovered that it was indeed a virus that can be picked up pretty much all over the internet.

My problem - he pastors a church!! In essence, he is my pastor since I go to the church he pastors. I am furious with him because of what he did. Even more so, I'm furious because I feel betrayed by my husband and my pastor! I know that this probably isn't a big issue to most people, but I'm putting this out there so that I can gain some perspective and deal with the anger that this is causing me.

Any comments? Questions? or advice??
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Replies

  • WendyTerry420
    WendyTerry420 Posts: 13,274 Member
    Watch the porn with him. Then at least, you're together, and maybe you'll learn something new. :flowerforyou:
  • MiCool90
    MiCool90 Posts: 460 Member
    Just break up
  • llaurenmarie
    llaurenmarie Posts: 1,260 Member
    Watch the porn with him. Then at least, you're together, and maybe you'll learn something new. :flowerforyou:
    Lmao
  • oregonzoo
    oregonzoo Posts: 4,251 Member
    I agree, watch it with him.

    No disresepct but men(and a lot of womenz) freaking dig porn. Find a way to make it work for the two of you together.
  • Cherry_blossom73
    Cherry_blossom73 Posts: 51 Member
    I'm just shocked this is your first post. :ohwell: But I agree with the others...watch it with him.
  • dantrick
    dantrick Posts: 369 Member
    Watch the porn with him. Then at least, you're together, and maybe you'll learn something new. :flowerforyou:

    ^^ This.. It only becomes as big of an issue as you both allow it to become.
  • NormalSaneFLGuy
    NormalSaneFLGuy Posts: 1,344 Member
    What kind of church is he a pastor for? You need to speak to his superiors and initiate an invervention. They will understand your position because they will also want him to live a pure life. How can the shepherd lead a flock if he himself has gone astray? You can conquer the immorality together and get back onto a virtuous path, but you need to act on it and seek outside support. If he won't listen, you must speak to the members of your church and get them to rally around him in support. That supportive network will surely enable him to align his actions with the savior once again.
  • GeekGirl23
    GeekGirl23 Posts: 517 Member
    I can see your moral dilema here. If he were not a pastor I would say let it go... but being that he probably preaches against it then does it himself is a hypocrite. Maybe time for a really good talk and a trip to a counselor that is not in your church.
  • penrbrown
    penrbrown Posts: 2,685 Member
    For some porn is okay, others find it demeaning to men AND women. I'm one of those who thinks porn is demeaning.

    I would never watch porn with my husband. As your husband is a pastor this is doubly bad on his part.

    You need to talk to him and perhaps some counseling is in order?
  • FitBeto
    FitBeto Posts: 2,121 Member
    Really? Don't watch that with him, that motherfuker needs to learn some self control. Theres nothing wrong with watching 2 people have sex, but being a pastor, father, and husband, he should know damn well how to be a man and respect you and your daughter by not doing the things hes doing. Hes not hurting himself, hes hurting you, his reputation, everything. Porn isn't just a shrug off the shoulders kind of thing for a lot of people, and being a member of the church and a father to a little girl he should know better. Get angry with him yeah, anyone who says they are 'addicted' to porn is freaking stupid. I've known so many people who couldn't just stay away from that and end up getting fired, etc. and being unemployed in this day and age is so hard to overcome.

    I dont find porn bad, but being the person he is he should know better.
  • karenjoy
    karenjoy Posts: 1,840 Member
    He got up at 4am on Christmas day to watch porn? This is beyond what I would accept as normal behaviour from my Husband, porn is one thing, he told you he would talk to you about it, but hasn't, he got a virus and took all day to tell you and it ruined Christmas, he seriously needs to get his priorities right, he is a man of God, I assume part of his work is to counsel people about their problems and those people would be horrified if they knew.

    I think you need to get him to seek some counselling for his addiction, as that is clearly what it is, people will mock this, I am usually fairly laid back, but this is beyond what you are comfortable with, its already damaging your relationship and if he values your marriage then he should make an effort.

    Despite what anyone says, if he got up that early in the morning to look at porn on Christmas Day, he has an issue, that is the one day of the year he probably should be thinking about other things

    just my opinion x
  • treetpflyer
    treetpflyer Posts: 184 Member
    If you start watching it with him he will mst likely become disinterested in the porn. For a lot of people it is one of those taboo things and although he is a pastor he is still a man. Make it not so taboo. You may even pretend to like it and I guarantee that will either cure him from wanting to watch it or will spice up your sex life. Good luck!
  • blueraidermike
    blueraidermike Posts: 14
    Just because he is a Pastor doesn't mean he can't get caught up in this...what he needs is help. I promise you, as a man that he loves you but is addicted to this stuff, just like drug addiction. As a Christian and a leader of a church, this addiction is tearing him to pieces - physically with you and spiritually with his position. I am speaking to you as a Christian, one who has had a similar issue.

    Here is what I suggest....in this order
    1. He needs to confess to God (Repent) and ask for help...ideally he should go to some leaders in the church, confess his sin ask for accountability and help. This may be too much but is ideal....If he cant, go to #2, if he can do #1 he still needs to go to #2
    2. You need to load a filter on all PC in the house now - you can download these from the Internet. You control the password. He is accountable to you on this. With the filter he cannot get access to this crap. He also needs to make sure these are loaded at work.
    3. He and you can do on line course together, there are several on the internet that are free. I used this one...http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/ - they actually assigned an accountability partner to me. It was an intense course, some of the best teaching I have ever walked thru - all scriptural based.

    Our culture will tell you this is OK, I am telling you it is not. Give him props for coming to you and confessing. But now, you BOTH need to deal with this or it could destroy your marriage and his ministry.

    I will pray for you right now, ask me anything.

    Mike
  • pastorswife78
    pastorswife78 Posts: 4
    Let me say a few more things..

    1) This is a "temporary" account because I have friends on my MFP that go to our church also. I didn't want them to see this post and know what was going on in our personal life. So if you're concerned that this is fake because it is my only post - this is why.. :-)

    2) I have watched it with him in an attempt to save our relationship. That is why we agreed that he would tell me when he had a desire to watch it, so that we could either watch it together, or work it out in another way... I personally have a moral issue with watching porn. It just isn't something that I feel I can do as a Christian. To help him, I compromised.. For all those out there who do, that's between you and your beliefs.
  • _skittybang
    _skittybang Posts: 970 Member
    I had no idea pastor was also a verb.

    nbc_the_more_you_know1-300x197.jpg
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,420 Member
    uh......Welcome to MFP?:flowerforyou: :ohwell:
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,420 Member
    er....at least it was only a computer virus?
  • NormalSaneFLGuy
    NormalSaneFLGuy Posts: 1,344 Member
    I had no idea pastor was also a verb.

    nbc_the_more_you_know1-300x197.jpg

    Holidays are for learning!

    pas·tor/ˈpæs tər, ˈpɑ stər/ Show Spelled [pas-ter, pah-ster] Show IPA
    noun
    1. a minister or priest in charge of a church.
    2. a person having spiritual care of a number of persons.
    3. Ornithology . any of various starlings, especially Sturnus roseus (rosy pastor) of Europe and Asia.
    verb (used with object)
    4. to serve as the pastor of: He pastored the church here for many years.
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,420 Member
    oh, I know. Seek counseling....outside of the church...
  • oregonzoo
    oregonzoo Posts: 4,251 Member
    Let me say a few more things..

    1) This is a "temporary" account because I have friends on my MFP that go to our church also. I didn't want them to see this post and know what was going on in our personal life. So if you're concerned that this is fake because it is my only post - this is why.. :-)

    2) I have watched it with him in an attempt to save our relationship. That is why we agreed that he would tell me when he had a desire to watch it, so that we could either watch it together, or work it out in another way... I personally have a moral issue with watching porn. It just isn't something that I feel I can do as a Christian. To help him, I compromised.. For all those out there who do, that's between you and your beliefs.
    in that case, I would try counseling. Or as others said an intervention of some sort? I am sorry you are having a hard time with this.
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  • NormalSaneFLGuy
    NormalSaneFLGuy Posts: 1,344 Member
    at least it's just a computer virus and porn, I can think of worse things involving viruses and guys with sexual experimentation

    like strep throat and oral?
  • cmpollard01
    cmpollard01 Posts: 246
    What kind of church is he a pastor for? You need to speak to his superiors and initiate an invervention. They will understand your position because they will also want him to live a pure life. How can the shepherd lead a flock if he himself has gone astray? You can conquer the immorality together and get back onto a virtuous path, but you need to act on it and seek outside support. If he won't listen, you must speak to the members of your church and get them to rally around him in support. That supportive network will surely enable him to align his actions with the savior once again.

    I agree in part. Have a serious conversation with him about his need and desire to get this area of his life under control. If he is willing, seek Christian counseling together. Even if he isn't willing, seek counseling for yourself. This is a difficult, and sadly, very prevalent problem in many relationships today-for the churched and the unchurched. Let's face it, as a pastor's wife, you know maybe more than anyone that just because you're a Christian and a church goer, you are not precluded from sin or non-perfect living. I have a family member who has sought couseling for this type of addiction, and it has helped so much. The spouse in that situation is very involved in the process, and that has helped their relationship. He will have setbacks, but he truly needs to seek help before this destroys his personal and professional life.

    As for the virus-all you need is a really good virus blocker or malware remover. I've had a similar program mess with my computer-for downloading music. Gotta love em!

    Good luck with this situation...it isn't easy, but you seem like a strong woman who can help bring her marriage into the place she wants it to be. I'll be praying for you!
  • treetpflyer
    treetpflyer Posts: 184 Member
    Let me say a few more things..

    1) This is a "temporary" account because I have friends on my MFP that go to our church also. I didn't want them to see this post and know what was going on in our personal life. So if you're concerned that this is fake because it is my only post - this is why.. :-)

    2) I have watched it with him in an attempt to save our relationship. That is why we agreed that he would tell me when he had a desire to watch it, so that we could either watch it together, or work it out in another way... I personally have a moral issue with watching porn. It just isn't something that I feel I can do as a Christian. To help him, I compromised.. For all those out there who do, that's between you and your beliefs.

    In this case then I would demand that he gets help. What would he recommend one of his church members do if they came to him with this issue?

    It sounds like he does have a problem with self control and if it isn't porn it will be something else he sneaks around doing to satisfy his urges.
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  • d_Mode
    d_Mode Posts: 880 Member
    I say ...call a TV Station or your local paper...they would have a field day with this sort of thing...a pastor, viewing porn gets a nasty virus. I'm shocked!!
  • thekyleo
    thekyleo Posts: 632 Member
    Leave it alone, NO GODS, NO MASTERS
  • Juliejustsaying
    Juliejustsaying Posts: 2,332 Member
    whatever...

    Ok, I've deleted a couple answers so far...but I'm gonna leave it like this...I have a real problem with people using a marriage license to control their partner.
  • oregonzoo
    oregonzoo Posts: 4,251 Member
    I say ...call a TV Station or your local paper...they would have a field day with this sort of thing...a pastor, viewing porn gets a nasty virus. I'm shocked!!
    The media wouldn't care. It's not in the least schocking. And to suggest this woman sell out her husband to the news is kind of crazy.
  • treetpflyer
    treetpflyer Posts: 184 Member
    The problem is not that he is looking at porn. The problem is that he is getting in front of a group of people and portraying an image of himself that is false. The other problem is he is doing this against his wife's wishes and had he not got the virus he would still be doing it.
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