Being called a "fat *kitten*" by my husband....
Replies
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Wrote something, but decided against it. I wish MFP had a "delete post" option.....or does it?0
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I don't condone his harsh words but please also try to see it from his perspective. He is obviously very committed to losing weight and getting fit. Obviously you committed yourself to working out with him at a specific time and it probably seemed as if you were blowing him off. Im finding it hard to accept that a father wouldn't understand that the kids need to nap...please don't make promises you aren't prepared to keep. People like us trying to get fit and healthy get a little bit "obsessed" with our workout schedules. That said i think you both need to work on effective ways of communicating. Name calling and sulking aren't the way to build a strong marriage. Good luck!0
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This time you got up. Were his words part of what got you out the door? How many times have you started and quit? That is what, in his reality, made you a liar. If you say you are going to do something, and don't follow through time and again, you have made yourself dishonest to him and yourself. Coming here and actually changing is growing your integrity, and making you honest (in theory) along with any other of our community that has had the same habitual pattern.Then why are you talking trash in here, in such a public forum? Take it to a counselor, or spirtual director, or a trusted friend. It sounds like you were making an excuse, he is used to you doing just that, and he spoke in agravation, as men sometimes do more than women do. You created a pattern and he sees you inside that pattern. Change the pattern, and he will see you in the new pattern. It will take longer than you are going to deem necessary. As far as he was concerned, you had just lied to him... again. An excuse to not do something you said you would makes you a liar. So, get your act together, don't procrastinate and be consistent in your new endeavor of a healthy lifestyle. Or don't.
I am not a liar. I did get up and go for a walk, just not on his time frame or when he TOLD me to. And I don't see how calling someone a liar on a post about being put down helps any either.0 -
doesn't really help. I've been dieting and doing light exercise. Just because I wanted to put our kids down for a nap after lunch and let my food digest before going for a 4 mile long walk doesn't make me lazy. I never said we weren't going to go, just that I wanted to wait a few hours. However, being called a lazy fat *kitten* by him doesn't really make me feel all that motivated to work out. Being told that I will never be thin again, that I will never be good for anything, and that I'm stupid isn't going to fix anything and just makes me feel worse about what little progress I've made. It also doesn't really help my depression. I know everyone's going to say to just leave him, but I actually believe in my marriage vows and don't believe in divorce.
If you can't get away from people like him... figure out a way to turn those words to fuel your weight loss. Maybe after you succeed with that it will empower you to find someone who will respect you.0 -
Sounds like you both need to be better at communicating.0
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I don't condone his harsh words but please also try to see it from his perspective. He is obviously very committed to losing weight and getting fit. Obviously you committed yourself to working out with him at a specific time and it probably seemed as if you were blowing him off. Im finding it hard to accept that a father wouldn't understand that the kids need to nap...please don't make promises you aren't prepared to keep. People like us trying to get fit and healthy get a little bit "obsessed" with our workout schedules. That said i think you both need to work on effective ways of communicating. Name calling and sulking aren't the way to build a strong marriage. Good luck!
Actually, you're wrong. I did NOT commit to working out at a particular time at all to him. We finished lunch and HE decided that was the best time to go for a walk. I wanted the kids to nap first and said that when they woke up we would go. It was not something we had planned out prior to the argument at all. He just decided that because he ate like a horse at lunch that we all needed to go for a walk right then and there. I wanted to wait and had every right to do that. I also didn't feel like walking 4 miles which is what he wanted to do. I've been having some pain in my legs due to sciatica, so I wanted to just do one mile, which I did do after the kids and I napped.0 -
I believe in marriage vows too, but I do not believe in being bullied by your husband isn't right!
Have you ever thought of going to counselling with him, he needs to realize what he is doing, is hurting you0 -
A spouse is supposed to be your biggest supporter no matter what. I'm not going to give you marital advice but that kind of talk is abusive and you no one should be talked to that way or made to feel like a lesser being. You get yourself looking sexy THEN see what he has to say...0
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I decided to delete what I had said after reading responses that are going back and forth.0
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You teach people how to treat you. So if you do not like being talked to by your spouse like that then you need to put a stop to it. If he thought that he was motivating you by saying these things then now is the time to stop that kind of motivation.
If my husband talked to me that way I would not be taking care of his needs until there was an apology. He would know exactly why I was not cooking his dinner, doing his laundry, and other things. I watched my mom put up with crap like this from my dad. It took a while, but my mom finally said enough and when she finally drew the line and let my dad know that she would be treated with respect or he could pack his things and leave things got better. Heck she packed up a box and put it out on the front porch for him, the box of his stuff stayed on the front porch for a week. My dad knew she meant what she said.
You are worth being treated with love and kindness, and you do not have to put up with this kind of emotional abuse.0 -
There is something more here than meets the eye.
First, I am assuming that the words that you have highlighted are the actual words that he used. Don't fall into the trap of what he meant versus what he actually said. Second, and perhaps more important, this sounds like something said out of anger (and anger is largely fear expressed), But just because he might be "angry" (or frustrated, or whatever) does not give him (or you) the right to verbally abuse one another.
It does not sound like this was something said to motivate you nor does it sound like the "amazing man" you describe on your profile page. And it logically appears that at least one, if not both of you, has gone through previous marriages. That may also play into this. Because one or both of you aren't meeting (unsaid) expectations.
Finally, assuming that both of you are of similar age, men can be terribly insensitive and unaware of the things they say or how they are taken. My ex-wife told me that after our son was born and she worked really hard to bring her body back towards her pre-pregnancy form, I said something that infuriated her. I barely remember it and did not say it out of meaness or even anger. Had I known that she would have been so upset that she would seek to adversely affect our marriage (to "show me"), I would not have said it. I did not know until many years after our divorce that one silly comment about the last couple of pounds she sought to lose would plant the seeds of her finding someone else and walking away from our marriage. There were other things, of course, that she found wrong with me after that. But I never imagined that something so simple could be traced to the "first cause" for ending a marriage. Of course, it is also possible if it wasn't the one thing I said that she identified, it would have been something else.
Words make a difference and if you both have been married before, you both know that. It is time to remind yourselves of that and apologies to be offered and accepted. AND this type of behavior also has to end.0 -
ive never been married, but here my input. i have been in an abusive relationship before.
when you have kids they are always watching and listening. if your kids see you husband treating you like that, they will think that it is an ok way to treat someone else or for someone else to treat them. do you want that for your kids ?
if you dont leave him for you, please leave him for your children.0 -
With depression his words are going to do nothing to lift your spirits my friend. You need to do for YOU and he needs to realize that. You need to find what makes you happy and being called a, "fat *kitten*" is certainly not one of those things. Sit him down and have a serious talk with him about how you are feeling. Nobody needs to be degraded and treated that way. Words hurt, I know this as I have been there done that. It's gonna take you taking a stand and letting him know that it is not acceptable for him to call you names like that. If he loves you then he will understand he is wrong and not repeat himself. Good luck.0
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What a **** thing to say. Hope you told him as such. "appreciate that you're trying to motivate me BUT...that does not serve any purpose but to defeat me before I even get a chance to start."0
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You're Right, its no reason to leave your husband. Let him know how those words make you feel and that a more positive response is what you need. It sounds as if u guys are exercising together and that's a positive step. He needs to show patience, respect, and Honor to his other half which is you. Don't let this stop you just talk to him about this and try not to make it a shouting match.0
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use it as motivation, no better revenge then making him eat his words..0
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Hurtful words like that would only want to make me work harder and show him that I can do this. Don't let his words bring you down. Let them empower you and use it as motivation. Because no one deserves that at all.0
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You better put that man in his place and tell him how rude he is being to you! If my fiance ever talked like that to me.. there would be some serious couch sleeping going on in our house. What does he look like? Does he have room to talk... I am sure there are things about him (obviously) that you would like to change...At least you are trying! There is a way to say things and a way to not say things to people you love.0
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Sounds to me that he is just trying to dicourage you, don't give in to that. You are beatiful and you are strong! I realize you want to stay true to your vows but that is no excuse for him to talk to you, the mother to his children, like that! Keep strong, but at the same time you shouldn't have to take that from anyone0
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I believe in marriage and vows very much as well. BUT Honey thats just wrong! He needs to do some soul searching to figure out if wants to be married. I hate to say this but the dude has issues. My little sister was married to the same kind of looser and come to find out he was cheating and just wanted out. You deserve better than that. Loose the weight get more sexy than you are then dump him
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Sorry but guys like this piss me off!0 -
My guess is he has a small penis.0
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He's mentally abusive....I've been there, done that, but not necessarily about my weight. One of the huge reasons I fell out of love with him and now are going through a divorce. You guys need some couples counseling and he needs some just for him. He has no right to degrade you like that and that's the bigger problem. You should not allow to treat you like that. if counseling does not work...you need to find the courage to leave! Good luck0
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I don't know what your marriage vows were but calling your spouse a "fat-*kitten*" does not fall under "love and cherish"
That isn't a marriage, it is an abusive relationship. Is that the example you want to set for your children? That it's OK to let someone treat you that way? He clearly has some issues and needs to work on them. Talk to him about it, explain to him how that makes you feel. If he cares about you he shouldn't be treating you that way and should do everything in his power to support you and encourage you and show his love. It may not be a reason to leave your husband but it certainly isn't a good thing. If upon talking to him he does nothing to change his attitude toward you I don't know how you can continue to call it a marriage.
I know many people will say "lost weight to prove him wrong!" Lose weight because YOU want to for YOURSELF. You are worth being healthy and happy. Never let anyone tell you differently.0 -
You need to believe in yourself. There is never a situation in which that is acceptable. Do not just let him say that and walk away. You need to make it clear that it is NOT ok to talk to you like that. He needs to change on his own, go to therapy or he can live by himself. The idea of taking a vow and living up to those vows is a wonderful thing that we should all aspire to do. But there is also a line about loving and honoring each other as well. Do not teach your children that it is ok for men to talk to women like this. Stand up for yourself and your children.0
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My guess is he has a small penis.
really0 -
Sometimes the issue is not the issue.I don't condone his harsh words but please also try to see it from his perspective. He is obviously very committed to losing weight and getting fit. Obviously you committed yourself to working out with him at a specific time and it probably seemed as if you were blowing him off. Im finding it hard to accept that a father wouldn't understand that the kids need to nap...please don't make promises you aren't prepared to keep. People like us trying to get fit and healthy get a little bit "obsessed" with our workout schedules. That said i think you both need to work on effective ways of communicating. Name calling and sulking aren't the way to build a strong marriage. Good luck!
Actually, you're wrong. I did NOT commit to working out at a particular time at all to him. We finished lunch and HE decided that was the best time to go for a walk. I wanted the kids to nap first and said that when they woke up we would go. It was not something we had planned out prior to the argument at all. He just decided that because he ate like a horse at lunch that we all needed to go for a walk right then and there. I wanted to wait and had every right to do that. I also didn't feel like walking 4 miles which is what he wanted to do. I've been having some pain in my legs due to sciatica, so I wanted to just do one mile, which I did do after the kids and I napped.
In other words, what is really driving the two of you to be at odd with each other?
You need to declutter this dynamic between the two of you .
Start with you.
Only be respectful and loving, no matter what he says or does.
Words hurt! Be a blessing with your mouth instead, and also with your actions and attitudes, just to bring home the point to him.0 -
Nobody deserves that. Add me. Checkout my profile and let me know how I can help.0
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I am sorry you are feeling this way. I am hoping this isn't a normal daily routine of verbal abuse? Especially when the children are around. Its hard to understand why spouses sometimes act the way they do, but there is never any excuse/justification for such behavior. I know you love your husband and you want your marriage to work and so do I but this require work from two parties. And it doesn't sound as if he is carrying out his part. I would like to suggest a reader for both you and your spouse a book The Secret of Family Happiness. It a great book and it breaks down the responsiblity of each mate and there is a section in it about abuse and not just physical but verbal abuse as well. Unfortunately, some mates don't realize that they are actually hurting you to the core. Sometimes they only meant for it to be just surface. Your MFP are always here for you to support you and encourage you and your children. My husband and I ended up reading that book together and it really helped us with our problems. Try it!!!! I'm new to this site but I hope I can recommend a book in here. Besides Its Not a Secret Any More!!!! The Book. You can have a happy marriage from a bad one. We just have to find out what's hurting him to the core that is making him lash out at you this way. But, I'm sure you are angry....well take this anger and work it off by lbs GIRL ....WE ARE 100% BEHIND YOU!!!!!!! If this is a lot for a message ..... I just had to.0
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I find this very sad. Motivation does not come from harsh statements. I agree that divorce is not a nice thing and I understand that you want to keep the marriage but I once heard a quote that I think is amazing in every way - "You teach people how to treat you". If you allow it, it will continue.0
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That is verbal abuse! He has already broken wedding vows to honor and respect you. Call him out on this terrible behavior!
THIS ^^
And you deserve so much better than that. Show him who's boss.0
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