Relationship dilemma all due to my weight
Replies
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I'm sure there's a million men out there who would love you as you are, without having to change a hair.
^^^^^^ this oh this oh this!!!
this gives me the heebie jeebies.0 -
Sweetie, your relationship dilemma is not a weight problem, it's a man problem
Abuse comes in many forms, verbal abuse is just as destructive as physical abuse. Your partner is supposed to enhance your life, not tear you down. It's one thing to loving point out a flaw, but I don't see much love in the statements you say he makes about your weight. We as humans like what we like, and your boyfriend likes a certain body type. He may care for you, but the problem is over time, his idea of the idea body type is going to affect your relationship. I don't care how self confident you are, if you continue to hear negativity about your body, IT IS GOING TO AFFECT YOU, especially if he is saying it is hard for him to be attracted to you physically. You need to ask yourself if this is a relationship you want to invest a significant amount of time in. TIME is something that you can't get back. What is it about this individual that would make you want to stay. Unfortunately, over time we women, have a harder time losing weight than men. If you invest a significant amount of time with this person and don't develop the body type he like it will only get worse for you. Why do that to yourself. There is someone out there that will love you inside and out. 0 -
I'm not going to read the pages and pages that I'm sure are dedicated to calling him names.
I say this and I mean it, if it's not this it will be something else. Right now he's focused on his dissatisfaction with your weight, if you got your body down to what he may deem acceptable what would it be next "you know, I prefer long legs, I found this surgery where while you wouldn't be able to walk for 2 years they can put bone extenders in to give you an extra 1/2 inch and I think you should try it." We meet people and fall in love and we feel special, but we have to love us for ourselves. I can understand if he met you when you were a certain look and you completely changed into another look by gaining or losing a great amount of weight, after all we are all generally attracted to a certain look, but he met you how you look now. He's putting you in an impossible and unfair situation and you are the only one who knows if it's worth it.
To add, if you would like to manage your weight for yourself you can do it. Eat at a deficit, exercise, and be reasonable and fair to yourself.0 -
At 9 pages, I did not read all the responses. I'm sure there's plenty of "dump him" type comments, just as there are probably plent of "talk to him" suggestions.
My take is this: while physical attraction is not the be-all and end all, it is important. Likewise with love. True love, not just the infatuation of being "in love", is deeper than ideals and preferences. Love is true when it overlooks flaws, faults and the like. While no one is perfect, we should not settle; there is much to be said for friendship within romance, but the best relationships are a beautiful combination of both those elements, as well as attraction.
I truly hope you find someone who is attracted to your mind, your heart, your personality AND your body. It's what every woman deserves.0 -
Loose him...dead weight! You deserve someone to lift you up not bring you down! YOU are better than that!0
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At 9 pages, I did not read all the responses. I'm sure there's plenty of "dump him" type comments, just as there are probably plent of "talk to him" suggestions.
Nope...just me, pretty much, saying talk to him...0 -
Ok, so here is how I see it. If he is not happy with your weight now, he never will be and while you have a great connection in every other aspect, this being a deal breaker for him will always haunt the relationship. I do not believe he is an *kitten* as some have said. He is upfront and honest and that's not the same as being an *kitten*. Everyone has a vision of what they find attractive and if you do not fit that vision, you cannot call him an *kitten* for that.
In my opinion, you either lose weight to make him happy (which is a lousy reason if you ask me), you lose weight for yourself and not worry about what he thinks, you deal with the current situation the way it is or you end the relationship. Simple as that!
Ultimately, you cannot blame someone for how they feel or what they find attractive. There is no right or wrong, it's all personal feelings.
I wish you the best of luck with the situation. (I'd personally end the relationship!)0 -
1. This is not abuse, he's just being a tool. Let's save "abuse" for people who really are abused.
2. Why would you want to marry someone like this? Sounds more like a booty-call than love.0 -
At 9 pages, I did not read all the responses. I'm sure there's plenty of "dump him" type comments, just as there are probably plent of "talk to him" suggestions.
My take is this: while physical attraction is not the be-all and end all, it is important. Likewise with love. True love, not just the infatuation of being "in love", is deeper than ideals and preferences. Love is true when it overlooks flaws, faults and the like. While no one is perfect, we should not settle; there is much to be said for friendship within romance, but the best relationships are a beautiful combination of both those elements, as well as attraction.
I truly hope you find someone who is attracted to your mind, your heart, your personality AND your body. It's what every woman deserves.
NO ONE COULD HAVE SAID IT BETTER!!!!! FOOD FOR SERIOUS THOUGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!0 -
Hmmm. I'm sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately I don't this he is in love with you. He met you when you were this size so to keep saying he doesn't find you physically attractive then he may "love" you for your kindness, enthusiasm, how you treat him...etc etc, but he isn't "in love" with you. If someone falls "in love" with another then certain aspects of the other person may be a concern but it wouldn't stop them from wanting to spend their life with them. No one is perfect and when you truly love someone else then you accept all of them. The best of luck to you.
But isn't sexual attraction part of the deal? I know by experience, as I have dated alot bigger women than her, that the sexual attraction tends to wear out after a while, and the libido drains. When that tub is empty, the tension builds. I agree, none of us love every single bit of a person. That is an impossible feat. But it is not his prime sexual attraction, apparently. should he just forego his biological sexual preference because he is a good guy?
I am not being antagonistic. Just conversational. I am wanting opinions on this as it is exactly what I am going to be examining as I get more fit.
Sexual attraction IS part of the deal --- so the question really for me is - why did he chose the OP? She didn't tie him down (or maybe she did...
) and FORCE him into a relationship with her. Why did he start - and then tell her she's not physically acceptable?
OP - for your own future, you really need to examine his or your motivation. This is just not a way to start a relationship --- and we all know: he's on his best behavior now! It's unlikely to improve. Your life, your choice - but I'd be headed in the other direction after wishing him all the luck in the world.0 -
I'm just going to be blunt. He's a douche. He should love you for all of you. You've been that size since you started dating so he should get over it. DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT lose any weight for him. YOU LOSE IT FOR YOU!!!!!!0
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I didn't read anyone elses responses, but that seems VERY harsh to tell that to someone you're supposed to "love".
It's clear he doesn't like your body, I would bet that once the "honeymoon" period is over, he will be too.0 -
Now it is your weight that he can find fault with, what will the future hold??? It is a control thing and it will never end in some form. He will always find "something" not perfect enough about you.
Keep loving yourself, doing what you need to take care of yourself and find someone who loves ALLLL of you!0 -
My jaw dropped as I was reading this. My only advice is......
RUN!!!!
......away from him as fast as you possibly can!
Good luck!0 -
Sexual attraction IS part of the deal --- so the question really for me is - why did he chose the OP? She didn't tie him down (or maybe she did... ) and FORCE him into a relationship with her. Why did he start - and then tell her she's not physically acceptable?
OP - for your own future, you really need to examine his or your motivation. This is just not a way to start a relationship --- and we all know: he's on his best behavior now! It's unlikely to improve. Your life, your choice - but I'd be headed in the other direction after wishing him all the luck in the world.
Winner winner chicken dinner0 -
Wow, that's terrible. I once asked an ex if he would love still love me if I got fat. He asked "how fat". Yeah, he was serious. And so was I when I asked it. I had suspicions on the answer. Obviously that one didn't last.
Anyway, I commend you for not letting his words get to you. I am surely not so strong. However, I do not think you deserve this sort of treatment. There are men out there who will love you for who you are, regardless of what size that is. If he is comfortable saying this level of mean comment to you now, I can only imagine how bad it will get if you actually married him.0 -
Yeah, he needs to date someone else and so do you. You deserve someone who loves you the way you are now, and your weight now, and wants you to be healthy. Not someone who tells you how hard it is to touch you. Gahh I can't even imagine. If some man ever said that to me he wouldn't be allowed to touch me, EVER. I can completely understand if he met you when you were a lot smaller, and you gained a bunch of weight- but he met you the way you are now. I think you should be the healthiest you possible, and that means mentally as well- which is impossible with someone who is constantly saying awful things about the way you look.0
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NO way. He loves you as you and is attracted to you or he's not.
What happens after you lose weight. When you start to get wrinkles is going to STOP being attracted to you? After you have babies and your boobs aren't quite as perky is he going to not be attracted to anymore.
I agree with Mimisam that he will always find some reason to tell you why you aren't good enough.0 -
He may be experiencing the deepest love possible... for him. But, in my opinion, you should keep looking until you find a man who finds you beautiful with any size butt, and bad morning breath. They exist. It's chemistry. This guy should be relegated to the friend zone.0
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This is HIS issue HE is using to CONTROL you...LEAVE.
Because real honest to God unconditional LOVE does not put boundaries or limitations on who the other person "should be". If he were to get sick and gain a ton of weight, or be in an accident and lose a limb would you then suddenly stop loving him, would you leave him, what if it happened to you would he just up and leave you?
Find your own happiness, by not wasting time on someone who doesn't want to committ and focus on finding someone who loves the you, you love!
Best of luck.0 -
I believe that you already know you should leave this guy and are seeking validation from others. If that is what you want, then fine. Here it is.... get out now. This guy has issues. If you stay with him you will be unhappy the rest of your life.0
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... "one day I hope that I can learn to love your body the way I love the rest of you". I have never dated someone curvy before and it is not easy for me", I think you should get back down to your college weight" , Ï find it hard to touch you because I do not like your body",I bet you weigh as much as me and I am 6 foot 4". I can go on and on...
Are you freaking kidding me?!? WTF would you WANT to be with this monster? :noway:0 -
Dumb his stupid azz!0
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I KNOW, right! There is nothing worse than empowered women empowering other women! :huh:And yall women wonder why us guys tend to stay away from 'committed' relationships. Everything we say, there is a blog post about it with comments from empowering women. I mean.....8 pages of "DUMP HIM".....cmon now. examine it with an unbiased eye, and see the big picture, pardon the pun.
If a guy is not physically attracted to the woman he's in a committed relationship with, why is he with her in the first place if that is such a big deal to him? He's being misleading. What he thinks of her is none of her business and he has no business sharing his opinion of how he feels about her looks. It's not like she gained the weight during their relationship. He shouldn't be with her if he feels her body is a deal breaker. Period. Guys who want to be in committed relationships don't "settle" (which is what I imagine he believes he's doing. He's not doing her any favors by breaking her spirit and self confidence.0 -
"one day I hope that I can learn to love your body the way I love the rest of you".
That's all I would need to hear from someone I loved and I think after that statement I wouldn’t love them anymore. How could someone ever make love to that person again after that?0 -
I can't believe I got sucked into this, this....(lost for words) It's like a train wreck you can't look away from! Look away quick before it is to late! Oh well I needed a reminder as to why I don't like to answer on these kinds of threads! Moving on!0
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Okay. True love is UNCONDITIONAL.
One loves unconditionally all of you as Christ does.
He he or she doesn't then the love isn't there.
Personally, I wouldnve dumped him after the second comment the first to give him time to explain and apologize the second to say ok...I tell you what Im not going to be with someone that can't love all of me.
I would leave and pray to have someone come into my life that loves all of me.
Staying in a relationship like this can lower your self-esteem and make you feel worthless now and later when another does come in your life.
Thanks for sharing your story and best of luck to you.0 -
I rarely comment on these types of things since so many other people can more eloquently say what I want to. I wanted to comment on this one though because I've seen the ugly end results of guys like this in my own family. My sister married a guy who was never happy with her weight and she spent YEARS trying to meet his standards. After all that time he ended up leaving her for a woman who was "his ideal weight". She is now bitter and resentful and has zero self esteem and not the sparkling, vivacious woman she once was.
I've been married for 21 years to a man who has seen me thin, fat and everywhere in between. He's seen me at my best and my worst but has never, ever said anything other than he thinks I'm beautiful. Has he ever thought it might be nice if I lost weight? Maybe, probably but he's never said so to me or anyone else that I know of.
Over time your body will change, as I'm sure you're aware. What i look like now will be different in several years (hopefully for the better!) so it's important that he love me for me, no matter what I look like. You say you are losing the weight for you and are comfortable that you can withstand the comments but even the biggest rock can be eroded over time. If you're already gaining weight because of the stress of the situation think how you will be effected long term, physically and mentally. You say you love yourself as you are, find someone else who does too. Unconditional love doesn't ask you to change to make them happy.
This. Seriously.0 -
I'm going to have the sunniest outlook possible on this: We could see him as honest...brutally honest, but honest....about how he feels. Even in that light, this is a recipe for disaster. We should all take care of ourselves and our bodies for ourselves, but also to remain attractive to our SO. But no one should have to obsess about body image to keep a mate. If he doesn't like your body now, he won't in 20 years, either. Even skinny gals start to sag and wrinkle. Then what? If he is trying to change you just a few months into the relationship, this is not going to be happy for you.
You don't have to beat him up over it, but I'd say that you should tell him you are both looking for something else in a relationship, something you don't find in each other. Call it a day.
Sorry, and best of luck!0 -
:sad: :brokenheart: :explode: :noway: :grumble: = how I felt when I read this!!!!!!!!!!!This is a difficult topic to post but I need to get some thoughts from the MFP community on a relationship dilemma I am in. In August I met a wonderful man, by November we decided to become exlcusive as our connection and feelings towards each other are indeniably intense. Things are going really well and we are discussing a future together, BUT there is one serious issue that has me very concerned.
On more than one occasion, my boyfriend has referenced my weight as being the one thing that prevents him from wanting to spend the rest of his life with me. Some specific comments have included, "one day I hope that I can learn to love your body the way I love the rest of you". I have never dated someone curvy before and it is not easy for me", I think you should get back down to your college weight" , Ï find it hard to touch you because I do not like your body",I bet you weigh as much as me and I am 6 foot 4". I can go on and on...
I have struggled with my weight and looks my entire life, it has only been in the past couple of years that I have learned to love myself. I AM strong enough not to let him break me down but other than this one thing, the relationship is wonderful. I love this guy and he says he loves me, he says I am the best thing that has ever happened to him but I fear that I will never meet his expectations with my body and that is a dealbreaker for him. I have talked to him about it and he swears he is not that shallow, then it comes up again a week later.
Since he has been getting on my case for my weight I have actually put on about 8 pounds, I am sure it is stress and my own body rebelling. I am on my weight loss journey for me, not him and have been well before he was around but he seems to want me to do this for him.
I have talked to him about it, he says he can't help that he finds my body unattractive. As I mentioned before, I am ok with me, want to lose the last pounds for ME. Other than this we are more than wonderful together, everywhere we go people assume we are an old married couple. We can talk and laugh for hours, we love being together. I know men are visual but am I being a cry baby about this or is he being an absolute *kitten* about the situation?
Important to note, he is much skinnier than anyone I have ever dated but that has not affected my feelings for him in any way. We have also gone hiking and worked out together and I am far fitter than he is, he is a smoker so the thing about him wanting me healthy... non issue as far as I am concerned.
Thought are much appreciated... Thanks!!
wow lady... I am dating a man now too fairly new relationship .. not as knew as yours but we met November 1st and became exclusive.. bf/gf a month into it.. and ive lost a few lbs since I met him (was down like 32 when imet him and 40 now)
and he loooooooooooves my body.. my curves.. in fact last nt.. he hugged me and said "you know your butt has shrunk since we met... I dont want you getting much smaller if at all" lol (with a smile) super cute.. and i still have 30 pounds to go on my ticker! lol.. but it made me feel like a princess and so so so good...
if you two are intimate.. and all that this is DEF gonna play a role.. and honestly.. it boils down to his OWN insecurity..
hes a tall bean pole w/no muscle. and apparently he dated beyond stick chicks before to feel better about himself... so now he has an independant woman w/curves and is beautiful and he cant hang! (sorry im getting ticked) cuz it makes me sad...
it seems great now.. but come on.. this is a HUGE issue.... and no matter how much 'wt' you loose u wont be a stick bean pole... and btw im 5'4" and am 194#'s.. SW was 234! and ive lost a TON of inches and workout and do look less then what i weigh.. but still im not a twig by any means.. and my man loves me.. doesnt want me smaller.. or stick figure ish.. i said to him one day.. I wish i could just wake up one day and be tall and thin.. like a stick.. just to see what it would FEEL like.. (to be so diff for a day) and he goes "why?? that would be boring" LOL0
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