Relationship dilemma all due to my weight
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I'm not sure I could remain in love with someone who said they loved me, yet continually pointed out that my flaws were "difficult for them."
I was 130 lbs when I met my husband, and he was about 200. I fell in love with him because he's funny, kind, gentle, strong, and just because he's so lovely. He fell in love with me because.....well, I don't know.
But we've been together 13 years - married for 10 - and I've put on some 70lbs, as has he. So we're both chubsters.....but he is STILL funny, kind, gentle, strong and lovely, because he is HIM, and I love him no less due to his weight any more than he loves me any less for mine (I think).
What I'm trying to say is, that if he loves you completely, any propensity for fatness shouldn't really be a problem for him. I would suggest that he take a good hard look at himself and your relationship, and decide what he wants - if his "dislike" of your body (honestly, what a thing to say to another human being) is too much, then he'll never be happy, and neither will you.
Don't give up your self esteem for him. Tell him to deal with it, or kindly make way for somebody who DOES love you, fat or thin or covered in scales.......0 -
When you are in love you see pass the imperfect things about your partner. Because love, true love is so much more than the physical. Attraction is superficial, love is not.
You may need to take a step back and evaluate the relationship. Best of luck!0 -
wow.. If a person that was supposed to love me said things like that I would say there is the bleeping door.. Don't let it hit you on the way out.... If he can't accept you for who you are it's time to ditch is sorry butt..0
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He was attracted to her at this size when he met her, so why would it be an issue now? Your man has a lot of red flags going up, I have been with someone that was abussive and this was how it started. Not being attracted to you anymore is one thing and he needs to man up and say he is done but to constantly be on you about your weight is wrong and seems to me like he is just being mean cause he can, If you stay then you could be running the risk of it getting worse.Hmmm. I'm sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately I don't this he is in love with you. He met you when you were this size so to keep saying he doesn't find you physically attractive then he may "love" you for your kindness, enthusiasm, how you treat him...etc etc, but he isn't "in love" with you. If someone falls "in love" with another then certain aspects of the other person may be a concern but it wouldn't stop them from wanting to spend their life with them. No one is perfect and when you truly love someone else then you accept all of them. The best of luck to you.
But isn't sexual attraction part of the deal? I know by experience, as I have dated alot bigger women than her, that the sexual attraction tends to wear out after a while, and the libido drains. When that tub is empty, the tension builds. I agree, none of us love every single bit of a person. That is an impossible feat. But it is not his prime sexual attraction, apparently. should he just forego his biological sexual preference because he is a good guy?
I am not being antagonistic. Just conversational. I am wanting opinions on this as it is exactly what I am going to be examining as I get more fit.0 -
Sorry that would be a deal breaker for me.
I need my life partner to love me however I am.
In 34 yrs of marriage I have been pregnant twice,sometimes over weight,had a disfiguring surgery and I know with1oo% confidence my husband loves me for me not how I look.
Going into a relationship with that sort of expectation and pressure is just too hard.Find someone who loves and respects YOU!!0 -
He's an *kitten*.
This ^^^^ if he dosant like it them tell him to do 1 there will bepleanty of ppl that will love you for u x0 -
When you are in love you see pass the imperfect things about your partner. Because love, true love is so much more than the physical. Attraction is superficial, love is not.
You may need to take a step back and evaluate the relationship. Best of luck!
My patner was will me when I was 10 stone an at 14 stone ye didn't say a thing bad about me an now he still dosant say anything he has always loved an fancied me it was my confidence that begin to street us away from each other but that is coming bk with a vengeance an we are AMAZING ! X0 -
My boyfriend is honest with how I look whenever I gain or lose weight which I really appreciate = but he would NEVER say he finds me unattractive! Your bf is horrible I'm sorry to say
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I tried to keep my thoughts to myself. I have been where you are. I dated a guy and thought he loved me. I soon noticed that we never did anything with his friends. He and the boys got together to drink and hang out. After 2 years, I was thinking forever when he broke up with me to get married a month later to a girl "his boys" had introduced him to. He was actually living with me while he was dating her. He told me that he was uncomfortable being with someone FAT. He and his wife had a daughter and he named his daughter the name we had picked out for our future child.
I know you want to be in an honest, loving relationship. He is not it. As others have said, ask him to give up smoking and see what happens. Your weight is not the reason for your dilemma.
What a brutal life lesson to learn you're worth so much more. I'm so sorry you had to deal with all that pain, but I hope you realize how marvelous you are, and stronger for it!! Hold your head up high, girl, and don't ever settle for less!! Life is too damn short to waste it on anything but great experiences with great people!
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I haven't read the responses but I'm guessing there would be some passionate opinions. Personally I couldn't love someone who affected my self-esteem in that way, I would resent him and find qualities of his such as vanity, insensitivity, shallowness etc a turn-off.
Saying that, I ended a relationship with someone last year who was the opposite to your partner, he didn't care about my shape. This also had a negative affect on my self-esteem as I let myself go, and gained over 10kg since meeting him. He too was quite skinny, and made me look even fatter in comparison, but the fact that a) he could eat anything he liked and never gained weight, and b) he didn't care if I put on weight, we ate out a lot and just slothed around, so of course I put on weight.
If your boyfriend was concerned about your health, self-esteem and quality of life as a direct result of your weight, then I'd say he's a keeper, he obviously cares about you, but if it's because of him (which it seems to be) then I'd kick him to the curb.0 -
That is definately not appropriate conduct. He is entitled to his personal feelings. We all want to feel physically attracted to the one we love most. As to what he thinks his friends think, he should defend you and tell them to bug off. But no, he is being rude and he is not doing anything to motivate you or inspire you. Men are very visual, there is no doubt about that. But if I was in love with someone, (which I am and have been married for 13 years) I don't care about the superficial as I do about my wife's health and happiness.) On the flip side, I don't think my wife would be disappointed if I had rock hard abs and strong back muscles. So we all are superficial to a degree. It's part of human nature.0
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If he loves you he should understand how much this is hurting you and would stop it...
Im sure if you knew something about him some weakness, personal issue he is concious of or he has or an 'imperfection' (i use that lightly as I cant think of the word) and constantly used it against him....he would soon get an idea of what its like and think twice about what he is saying.
Im not saying for one minute to do that because it will just end up in a war of words and insults.
You have spoken to him, explained how your feeling........and its made no difference...
Perhaps show him this message board and the remarks that everyone has made about him, maybe that would give him a kick in the *kitten* to be nicer.....if not like I said before ditch him! You will meet someone far better and less judgemental elsewhere who will love you for you!0 -
Relationships are complex enough without this issue causing problems. I suggest that if you are both serious about each other then seeking counselling now will stop greater problems later. You and your weight are not problems to be solved - they are merely patterns of behaviour that have consequences to your health and self-esteem, patterns which have roots in our environmental upbringing and personality type.
Assuming that his raising of this issue isn't an unconscious get-out-clause because he has commitment phobia, or may be denying his real sexuality, but is a real deep-seated fat phobia (which he applies to himself too) then counselling may well be the answer as it is possible that there is a traumatic link to "fatness" or even a possibility of his having an eating disorder.
In any of these cases then be loving and supportive of each other is the right way to go. Good luck and remember that you both deserve to live a life full of love and acceptance.0 -
Agreed! Controlling is the word I'd use! Scary!0
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Record scratch! I have been married for 14 years and you don't want that! You might love him now but after 14 years of dealing with his "opinion" of your weight -give it even 5 years and you are going to either kill him or hate yourself so much that you won't be able to drag your self out of the funk.
Few questions that you want to ask yourself - who is bringing the most to the relationship, do you love yourself more when you are around him, do you feel understood and protected, who is your very best friend. Take a LONG look at your relationship and if you are happy with what you see then go for it and tell him to get over it. Or if you don't like what you see love yourself enough to break it off.0 -
My ex didnt say that to me but I feel like that was his problem. I gained 20 lbs before we started having kids and as soon as I was so far along in my first pregnancy he started acting up. He would go out with the guys and not come home at night. He was ALWAYS talking to girls. The drama was crazy but because of our son I decided to take him back and work on things. Well I got pregnant a second time and instantly he told me he wanted to see other people. I think pregnancy and me getting even bigger made him unattracted to me however he will never admit thats what it was.
If your man is saying things like that to you thats wrong. He should want to take the relationship to another level regardless. Im sorry for being so blunt but it also makes me question his faithfulness to you. There are a million good looking women in the world and my experience with men is they are always looking for a prize. If he isnt treating you like a prize now then he is probably searching for a prize. Sometimes love makes us blind. Please dont get so blind that you wind up like me with two kids and no man. Make sure you find out all the facts before you continue.0 -
From my perspective, you should dump him. He is really shallow to focus solely on your body and his comments are rude and insensitive. Can you imagine what he will be like in, say, 3 years time when you really are a "married couple?" No one is perfect and if he is looking for Angelina Jolie, then you should wish him the best. It sounds like he is no physical prize, so the nerve of this jerk. Maybe you should tell him he is too skinny for you however you can try hard to overcome that
Some guys just make the rest of us look really bad. I love my girlfriend for who she is; appearances and all. I don't want her to change a thing about her because she is the woman I fell in love with.0 -
You should never let a man treat you that way. If he said he loves you, he wouldnt say those hurtful things. I gained 70lbs in my relationship/marriage and my husband still lovesnme a d thinks I'm beautiful, and we are both only 21. I don't think you should be with a man that treats you that way. Whether or not the rest of tour relationship is "great"0
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My opinion probably is a little blunt and may seem cold, but I would drop him. If he has to LEARN to love your body, he doesn't love you. And he is rude. Dude, who made you the authority on life?? I met my boyfriend at my highest lifetime weight of 325 with an out of shape body. He is a fine, fit military man with big muscles and tattoos and he is just all around awesomesauce. He is so supportive of my weight loss and wanting to improve and better myself in my chosen ways but he has never ONCE made negative comments about my body. Honest to god I would walk out right then and tell him to stick it if he did.
I have two exes that made my weight an issue and neither of them worked out for long after that.
Really?? The only thing keeping you from marrying me is my weight? Wow. the only thing keeping me from marrying you is that you are a complete douche and I am way too good for you and I choose not to settle for trash. THAT is how that conversation would have gone down in my house.
You can do so much better and find someone who loves all of you, not just the selective, acceptable parts. What happens when you get old or if you get sick?? Let this dude saddle someone else with his problems, You need to hustle out of thie NOW and find a guy who really cares and will be there for you long term.
THIS
oh my. run. please run. you may be strong now but years from now? After years of him calling you fat, telling you youre not worthy? Please dont do that to yourself...
Its my ex revisited...0 -
He struggles to touch you..? Ow-ow-ouch. That even hurt me to read on your behalf.
I don't know what you need to do about this but, you do need to address it somehow.
Sweetie, my husband has always, always loved my body - no matter what my shape and he's been through A LOT of versions of his wife. Weight gain, weight loss, three thunderingly huge pregnancies - his response to me has always been the same.
He loves all versions of my bum :blushing:
This is obviously his problem, not yours as your photos prove that you are indeed an attractive woman and you look fit, strong with lumps in all the right places to me - not fat. I'm fat, I know what fat looks like and it's not you.
You say you are strong right now, if this carries on you won't be able to stop it from having an effect eventually, you need to communicate with him about this, get some counseling together maybe but, don't leave it. It will fester and eventually undermine what you have together.0 -
What a douche.0
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First Loving yourself is a huge thing and is worth way more than any guy could ever be worth!!!! Second I f that is you in all the pictures on your profile you are beautiful and he is an *kitten*. He sounds to me like the guy will never be happy. Your best bet is to cut things off and he can be a friends. He will never be happy with your body, but what is important is you are!0
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MAYBE YOU SHOULD LET HIM READ THIS THREAD AND HE WILL REALIZE IT IS AN ARMY OF 150 DEFENDING YOU AND CALLING HIM OUT.
Just a thought.0 -
You are not a crybaby, but neither is he an *kitten*. People really can't help what they are attracted to. But, he's obviously making the effort, and he's being honest with you about his struggle, which is difficult, but admirable. It's a tough situation for both of you. If you want to lose the weight, then lose the weight. But if you're only doing it for him, chances are you won't succeed long term. I really hope that everything works out.0
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I have to be honest and say that I didnt read through the pages of replies, so if this is a repeat response I am sorry. First off I think you are BEAUTIFUL. Secondly, Im going to assume he doesnt look like a mythical God...., you love him and find him attractive....that being said, You love him for everything he is, no questions asked. Why would you not want the same? Of course you would. When I read things like this, I always think the same thing: If you had a daughter, would you want her in this situation, and how would you feel? Wouldnt you want better for her? Of course you would. Dont cut yourself short. Dont settle for less for yourself, than you would your own child, or anyone else for that matter. You deserve it too. (hugs)0
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ouch that is out of order!!! a man intending to spend the future with you should love you 100% for who you are regardless. i just had a look at your profile your a lovely looking lady and i dont get why your weight is an issue you look great xxx0
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No. Just no. The dilemma isn't your weight, it's his mindset and his alone.
EXACTLY! Sorry, but it seems to me like you need to reevaluate this relationship. I need my husband's hugs, touch, cuddles etc. I don't think I could hold my head up if I knew he disliked touching me. He has never ever said any of the things your boyfriend has. His only concern is wanting to see me healthy for myself. Drop this guy like a hot potato and find someone who is happy to SEE you, happy to TOUCH you, and just happy to be with you.0 -
I would drop that guy...0
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I kind of skimmed through these posts and didn't read everything, but I have to say this:
Many years ago, I was once married to an **kitten**. i have always fought with my weight my entire life. It's a given, and I can handle it. When we were engaged, I had lost way too much weight. I was anemic and my family doctor was asking me to please put on a few pounds and start eating again. After my doctor had scolded me, I had to rethink what I was doing to myself. Later in the day I was with the *kitten* and he said to me: "You look okay, but you could stand to lose a few more pounds.":huh: These words have stuck with me my entire life. The *kitten* says he never remembers saying that to me, but I do.
The reason for this story....if he isn't happy about the way you look now, will he ever be happy with the way you look? No matter how much weight you lose, he may never think it's good enough. Now I married the *kitten* and now I'm divorced from his *kitten*. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than live with someone who is an *kitten*.0 -
I read the first five pages of responses and stopped. Dating is that .. dating. I remember dating people before I met my husband who loved me for my intellect,my sense of humor, but we just were not that into each other as a future spouse. So sometimes either I or the other person wanted to remain friends. Sometimes that was ok, others, not so much. Sometimes I was the one that called off the dating, sometimes not.
My friends and I had a saying when a dating relationship had ended/wasn't going to be moving forward -- NEXT!
PS.. I will tell you a lot of my guy friends tell me the story about "the one that got away and the guy wished he had appreciated what he had when he had the chance"... but that will be his issue, not yours...0
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