Relationship dilemma all due to my weight

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  • pyrowill
    pyrowill Posts: 1,163 Member
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    What a douche.
  • heatherterp
    heatherterp Posts: 239
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    First Loving yourself is a huge thing and is worth way more than any guy could ever be worth!!!! Second I f that is you in all the pictures on your profile you are beautiful and he is an *kitten*. He sounds to me like the guy will never be happy. Your best bet is to cut things off and he can be a friends. He will never be happy with your body, but what is important is you are!
  • ChrisC_77
    ChrisC_77 Posts: 271 Member
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    MAYBE YOU SHOULD LET HIM READ THIS THREAD AND HE WILL REALIZE IT IS AN ARMY OF 150 DEFENDING YOU AND CALLING HIM OUT.


    Just a thought.
  • jennifer_417
    jennifer_417 Posts: 12,344 Member
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    You are not a crybaby, but neither is he an *kitten*. People really can't help what they are attracted to. But, he's obviously making the effort, and he's being honest with you about his struggle, which is difficult, but admirable. It's a tough situation for both of you. If you want to lose the weight, then lose the weight. But if you're only doing it for him, chances are you won't succeed long term. I really hope that everything works out.
  • kykykenna
    kykykenna Posts: 656 Member
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    I have to be honest and say that I didnt read through the pages of replies, so if this is a repeat response I am sorry. First off I think you are BEAUTIFUL. Secondly, Im going to assume he doesnt look like a mythical God...., you love him and find him attractive....that being said, You love him for everything he is, no questions asked. Why would you not want the same? Of course you would. When I read things like this, I always think the same thing: If you had a daughter, would you want her in this situation, and how would you feel? Wouldnt you want better for her? Of course you would. Dont cut yourself short. Dont settle for less for yourself, than you would your own child, or anyone else for that matter. You deserve it too. (hugs)
  • joeysox
    joeysox Posts: 195 Member
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    ouch that is out of order!!! a man intending to spend the future with you should love you 100% for who you are regardless. i just had a look at your profile your a lovely looking lady and i dont get why your weight is an issue you look great xxx
  • kelcro40
    kelcro40 Posts: 115 Member
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    No. Just no. The dilemma isn't your weight, it's his mindset and his alone.

    EXACTLY! Sorry, but it seems to me like you need to reevaluate this relationship. I need my husband's hugs, touch, cuddles etc. I don't think I could hold my head up if I knew he disliked touching me. He has never ever said any of the things your boyfriend has. His only concern is wanting to see me healthy for myself. Drop this guy like a hot potato and find someone who is happy to SEE you, happy to TOUCH you, and just happy to be with you.
  • tommygirl15
    tommygirl15 Posts: 1,012 Member
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    I would drop that guy...
  • Twiliightmoon
    Twiliightmoon Posts: 39
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    I kind of skimmed through these posts and didn't read everything, but I have to say this:

    Many years ago, I was once married to an **kitten**. i have always fought with my weight my entire life. It's a given, and I can handle it. When we were engaged, I had lost way too much weight. I was anemic and my family doctor was asking me to please put on a few pounds and start eating again. After my doctor had scolded me, I had to rethink what I was doing to myself. Later in the day I was with the *kitten* and he said to me: "You look okay, but you could stand to lose a few more pounds.":huh: These words have stuck with me my entire life. The *kitten* says he never remembers saying that to me, but I do.

    The reason for this story....if he isn't happy about the way you look now, will he ever be happy with the way you look? No matter how much weight you lose, he may never think it's good enough. Now I married the *kitten* and now I'm divorced from his *kitten*. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than live with someone who is an *kitten*.
  • pkw58
    pkw58 Posts: 2,039 Member
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    I read the first five pages of responses and stopped. Dating is that .. dating. I remember dating people before I met my husband who loved me for my intellect,my sense of humor, but we just were not that into each other as a future spouse. So sometimes either I or the other person wanted to remain friends. Sometimes that was ok, others, not so much. Sometimes I was the one that called off the dating, sometimes not.

    My friends and I had a saying when a dating relationship had ended/wasn't going to be moving forward -- NEXT!


    PS.. I will tell you a lot of my guy friends tell me the story about "the one that got away and the guy wished he had appreciated what he had when he had the chance"... but that will be his issue, not yours...
  • determinedbutlazy
    determinedbutlazy Posts: 1,941 Member
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    Tell him he's too SMALL and see what happens.

    You're better off without.
  • emzypemzy93
    emzypemzy93 Posts: 185
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    He has a a point... He's only being honest as he can't help it!! I'm the same way about men... I've never been attracted to even a little bit of chubb! Although when doing this, you're right you shoud do it for you!! However if he degrades you on purpose for your weight maybe it's time to move on.... You should tell him to get fit and quit smoking!! Sounds like double standards
  • Qskim
    Qskim Posts: 1,145 Member
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    I rarely comment on these types of things since so many other people can more eloquently say what I want to. I wanted to comment on this one though because I've seen the ugly end results of guys like this in my own family. My sister married a guy who was never happy with her weight and she spent YEARS trying to meet his standards. After all that time he ended up leaving her for a woman who was "his ideal weight". She is now bitter and resentful and has zero self esteem and not the sparkling, vivacious woman she once was.

    I've been married for 21 years to a man who has seen me thin, fat and everywhere in between. He's seen me at my best and my worst but has never, ever said anything other than he thinks I'm beautiful. Has he ever thought it might be nice if I lost weight? Maybe, probably but he's never said so to me or anyone else that I know of.

    Over time your body will change, as I'm sure you're aware. What i look like now will be different in several years (hopefully for the
    better!) so it's important that he love me for me, no matter what I look like. You say you are losing the weight for you and are
    comfortable that you can withstand the comments but even the biggest rock can be eroded over time. If you're already gaining
    weight because of the stress of the situation think how you will be effected long term, physically and mentally. You say you love
    yourself as you are, find someone else who does too. Unconditional love doesn't ask you to change to make them happy.

    ^^^^this...your 8lb gain is indicative of your future with this guy. No so much weight gain but the angst. If you stay with him you will wake up one morning in the future and think WTH have I done? The fact that you are asking about this means you already know that this is enormously problematic regardless of what other areas of your relationship are like. This guy is setting you up for a life of being controlled by starting on an area he already knows is your weakness. He probably doesnt care what your body looks like but YOU do and he knows it. He's not awkwardly saying what he says...he's slicing and dicing at your psyche already and then further disarming you with charm in other areas so that you are imbalanced, off kilter and confused while he further worms his way in. He has one hand slapping and the other smoothing. When you are further into the relationship he will start to dissect your family and friends, then your job and finances and eventually you will lack confidence cos he will control everything simply by subtley pointing out how inadequate you are. I say RUN. You are in love with the idea of a relationship but don't choose him. He is what you DON'T want. Learn from it and move on.
  • labyrinth84
    labyrinth84 Posts: 90
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    This was so sad to read. No one should ever make their partner feel that way, if he chose you- he chose all of you!

    My partner, who I love dearly was heavier than anyone I'd ever dated before...he was 21 stone before I met him, less than that when we met but still heavier than I thought I'd be attracted to. But when we met, he was so fabulous, funny and handsome - I did not care whether he had extra to grab onto...I wanted him, all of him!

    Now he's lost all his extra weight, and I've gained it haha.

    When you chose someone to love, weight should not come into it. Like my partner does with me when I'm upset about my weight gain, your partner should encourage you to lose so YOU feel good about YOU...NOT so he feels good!!

    By the sounds of it, over weight you need to lose your partner. He sounds very selfish indeed and is doing nothing for your self esteem.

    Good luck xxx
  • Perfectdiamonds1
    Perfectdiamonds1 Posts: 347 Member
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    He loves you? The weight is the dealbreaker? Are you really stong enough mentally to not let that bother you? Please, he needs to "Poof, be gone" lol. The weight is going to be the topic of your conversations. Work on yourself first, he will only slow you down. You love yourself more and make your weight loss about what you want and not what others wants. If he has complaints now about the weight, what makes you think it is going to get better. The weight issue will only stress you out. Please dont conform to what a man wants, what do you want? Its okay to be by yourself until the right one comes along to love All of you and not just parts. I'm sure he has faults and flaws you have overlook. Bottom line: what do you want and learn to really love yourself
  • LisabethG
    LisabethG Posts: 24 Member
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    He's an *kitten*.
    Agreed!! Run, run, run away from him. Ask your skinny smoker
    to put down the cigarettes and work on his problem. See how he
    takes your criticism of his filthy habit. It might be you need to ask
    him to gain weight, you've never been with someone as thin as he
    is. See what happens. Good luck.
  • patentguru
    patentguru Posts: 312 Member
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    Men in general are more blunt and to the point in saying what they want. I would not assume that these comments are intended to hurt, demeaning, negative, etc. If he truly did not like you, he would not tell you his real feelings towards you and give you a chance to change (sounds bad). But like it or not, relationships are about compromise. BOTH parties must change a little. I suggest looking at his comments from a positive standpoint- he cares about your health. Get a little pissed off at his comments and use that energy to get focused on your diet. Your entire life will be better when you are in shape. Would you rather have a man that lies to you and tells you all good comments all of the time??? That is way worse. With truths, you can adapt. I have been with a lier/deceiver and I would much rather have the blunt truth.
    This is a difficult topic to post but I need to get some thoughts from the MFP community on a relationship dilemma I am in. In August I met a wonderful man, by November we decided to become exlcusive as our connection and feelings towards each other are indeniably intense. Things are going really well and we are discussing a future together, BUT there is one serious issue that has me very concerned.

    On more than one occasion, my boyfriend has referenced my weight as being the one thing that prevents him from wanting to spend the rest of his life with me. Some specific comments have included, "one day I hope that I can learn to love your body the way I love the rest of you". I have never dated someone curvy before and it is not easy for me", I think you should get back down to your college weight" , Ï find it hard to touch you because I do not like your body",I bet you weigh as much as me and I am 6 foot 4". I can go on and on...

    I have struggled with my weight and looks my entire life, it has only been in the past couple of years that I have learned to love myself. I AM strong enough not to let him break me down but other than this one thing, the relationship is wonderful. I love this guy and he says he loves me, he says I am the best thing that has ever happened to him but I fear that I will never meet his expectations with my body and that is a dealbreaker for him. I have talked to him about it and he swears he is not that shallow, then it comes up again a week later.

    Since he has been getting on my case for my weight I have actually put on about 8 pounds, I am sure it is stress and my own body rebelling. I am on my weight loss journey for me, not him and have been well before he was around but he seems to want me to do this for him.

    I have talked to him about it, he says he can't help that he finds my body unattractive. As I mentioned before, I am ok with me, want to lose the last pounds for ME. Other than this we are more than wonderful together, everywhere we go people assume we are an old married couple. We can talk and laugh for hours, we love being together. I know men are visual but am I being a cry baby about this or is he being an absolute *kitten* about the situation?

    Important to note, he is much skinnier than anyone I have ever dated but that has not affected my feelings for him in any way. We have also gone hiking and worked out together and I am far fitter than he is, he is a smoker so the thing about him wanting me healthy... non issue as far as I am concerned.

    Thought are much appreciated... Thanks!!
  • Kimwilliams51
    Kimwilliams51 Posts: 5 Member
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    First let me say that he doesn't know what a beautiful and wonderful person he is about to lose based on his Shallow Hal concept. Listen babe, I have been there. I didn't know that my ex-husband was going to do that to me until I went through something very traumatic that caused my body weight to change...he became so disgusted with me and I could not fathom it. My ex began to say things like I will buy you a whole new wardrobe if you would drop the weight...or he would even tell me on some day when it didn't seem my weight was moving off of me fast enough..."You disgust me." He was thinking about becoming a boxer and told me that he wanted a wife that he could sport on his arm as he went into the ring. Because I didn't know my self worth or my value I let that stuff get inside and it tore me up...all in the name of love??? Yeah well we ended up divorcing as a result of his meanness...I have been better off sense.

    Never allow anyone to dictate the direction of your life through their dislike of something about you! DON'T DO IT!!!!

    KEEP LOVING YOURSELF AND BE WITH SOMEONE WHO WILL LOVE YOU INSPITE OF YOUR BODY CONCEPT. REMEMBER THE SONG BY BILLY JOEL...I LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!!!! APPLY THAT AND LOVE YOURSELF AND FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!!!!
  • gypsyrose64
    gypsyrose64 Posts: 271 Member
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    To the few responses on here saying "he's just being honest".... I say this. Honestly is not a free pass to hurt other's or tear them down. If he had the integrity to go with that so called 'honesty' ...he'd end his declarations with "sorry hun, but I don't see us moving forward and you deserve someone that can accept you". Sticking around and continuing a relationship with someone that YOU KNOW you can't love completely is just.... SELFISH!

    I dated a guy once that I met online, long distance. I did everything I could to know exactly who I was dealing with(chat, skype, photos, etc) I adored him until the moment he stepped off a plane to greet me in person for the first time.

    He smiled at me and my heart broke. I'd seen better grills on a homeless person!! Seriously, it was beyond horrible. Broken, black rotten teeth, missing teeth. I was astounded at how someone 32 could get that bad. With his mouth closed, he was a beautiful man. He was a beautiful soul, and I still think about him warmly, but guess what? ...... I didn't stay in a relationship with him and tell him to fix that crap so I could get over myself!

    If I had been with him a while and something happened to him, that is different. You don't go into a new relationship trying to force your ideals on another.
  • caroleedawn
    caroleedawn Posts: 1
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    I had a boyfriend like that...once. He said the same words as yours. I was with him for 5 years then wised up. I went in that relationship at 223. Ieft at 250. DUMP HIM. You want someone who's going to love you...NO MATTER WHAT! This relationship is already doomed. You're gaining weight because of the emotions he's putting you though. Tell him you are leaving him. Then WORK ON YOU...FOR YOU. Once you are where YOU want to be....then contact him and see if you both feel the same way about each other.

    I'll tell you this. Once you're at your goal weight...you're going to have your pick of men. Trust me.

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