Relationship dilemma all due to my weight

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  • murphy612
    murphy612 Posts: 734 Member
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    I have learned that when it comes to relationships sometimes it's not always about how you feel about the person, but how you feel about yourself when you're with that person. You are strong now but he doesn't sound so great for you but I hope things work out for the best, stay strong!

    "You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection"
  • Christie2bme
    Christie2bme Posts: 3
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    Been married for 19 years, I am currently 60 lbs overweight. My husband has never said a word about my weight. I watched my sister be married to a man who criticized her weight. It started slow like your guy, then it was stronger, than something else, friends, family members, their child, whatever he wanted to control. She jumped for him for 25 years of marriage and in the end they divorced. She was devastated. She is finally after two years divorced starting to realize the damage he did to her soul over all those years.

    This man has his own issues, they are not your issues. If he loves you, he LOVES YOU, no matter your weight. There is no growing together it is a control issue. If you are looking for that it is fine, if not, you have a choice.
  • Albairiscalderon
    Albairiscalderon Posts: 9
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    Hello friend... I will be perfectly honest with you and I have to warn you that I won't write you what you want to hear. You said you met him in August correct? Were you the same size as you are now? Every relationship has a period of three months at the beginning when things are perfect. Even when the people involved have lots of defects... for some reason no one seem to care. After those three months, it comes the real him and the real you. If you have fallen in love you wont mind anything and will love him the way he is. If he has not fallen in love, it will show. You also said that other than him critizing you,, the relationship is perfect? well he is being a friend my dear not your boyfriend. I will tell you a story... I have been heavy all my life but never dated a big man and to be honest.. never crossed mymind. Incredible right? well I met a big guy 12 years ago and I fell in love. I love him for the way he is with me. I do not care if he is bigger every day. I love to go places with him and taking pics with him. I learned that love is more than a beautiful body. You do not say your age but once you pass your thirties... the outside is not that important. Do not put up with his emotional abuse. I am sure you can find a man who can love you for what you are. Dont let him put you down. I will give you an advice, start paying attention to yourself more, do things on your own, find new friends, start shaking him off your heart...you will cry... yes you will but you will eventually stop and feel free again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lose weight for your health and your health only!! Good luck and hope you find yourself beatifull each day!
  • lindterbean
    lindterbean Posts: 1
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    When I first started dating my now husband, he smoked. This ordinarily would have been a deal breaker for me, but who can explain love? Right? I did not hide my feelings that I did not like this aspect of him, but was willing to overcome it to be with him. Eventually he quit. Happy me! But even if he hadn't I would still be with him, love him, and wishing he would.

    Now I am a great deal heavier than I was. He lets me know he wishes I wasn't, not in unkind terms, but honestly. Should he not love me so much, it might have been a deal breaker for him (knowing how he is) but it is just like the smoking was for me. I am trying to lose the weight for many reasons, yes, this also being one of them. However, if I didn't, he would still be with me, love me and wish I was lighter.

    My suggestion would be, it seems like he loves you, and you love him, otherwise he wouldn't be with you and you would be more adamant about the things he says (like many of the responses to this topic), so give it a little more time, let your relationship take its course but don't rush things, and you will soon find out how important this is to each of you. If his comments get to you more as time goes on, you have one answer. If your weight starts to bother him more, you will have another. Talk with him about it and let him know how hard it could be for you to change your appearance, and that you might not even want to, and see if he responds in an understanding way or not. Let him know if the things he says hurt you, he may not even know, and see if he is compassionate. Try to gage how much of an issue it really is.

    By the way I have been with my guy for over 20 years, he's been smoke free for over 10 and I've been too heavy for nearly that long. ;)
  • Enigmatica
    Enigmatica Posts: 879 Member
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    Oh. Hell. No.

    Sounds like my EX husband, who I tried desperately to please for too many wasted years of my life. So sweet and wonderful on the one hand, and such a malicious manipulator on the other. People like that draw you in with the "nice" side and spin you around until you're dizzy with the "critical" side as a way to break you down and make you "prove" that you "love" them enough to do anything for them. It's BS. If you jump through this hoop he'll put up more. Next he won't like the way you drive, or talk, or laugh, and you'll be expected to change and change and change to suit him. Does he love YOU or does he love the possibility that YOU are programmable? It isn't about your weight. It's about him looking for a way to turn you into his puppet.
  • Jill814
    Jill814 Posts: 30 Member
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    he isnt worth it hunny! if he cant love ALL of you for who you are and agreed he met you like this, then its time to move on and find someone who really loves you inside and out. what happens down the line if you get married, then if you plan on having children and you gain weight? he is gonna be a d*ck to you cuz you gain weight, not worth it! you deserve better
  • sicilysclover
    sicilysclover Posts: 173 Member
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    "one day I hope that I can learn to love your body the way I love the rest of you". I have never dated someone curvy before and it is not easy for me", I think you should get back down to your college weight" , Ï find it hard to touch you because I do not like your body",I bet you weigh as much as me and I am 6 foot 4". I can go on and on... "

    WOW. I find it astounding that someone who is supposed to love you is even CAPABLE of making these comments. I could never be so rude and inconsiderate to someone that I really care about. It's not EASY to date a curvy girl? What the hell is so hard about it! You either love someone or you don't. Period. Ugh sorry but really, I don't get this guy at all.
  • supplemama
    supplemama Posts: 1,956 Member
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    Really? This is a dilemma, really?? OP you seem like an intelligent woman. Please stop playing around. The guy told you flat out he finds it hard to touch you!! What more do you need, what does he have to do or say to let you know he is not the one? Cut him loose and keep it moving!
  • queendeej
    queendeej Posts: 214 Member
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    This is a true statement! Just why?
    The question you should be asking yourself is this: "I am in a relationship with someone who is not physically attracted to me. Why is this acceptable to me?"
  • MountainMoverJosh
    MountainMoverJosh Posts: 134
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    Only 7 more to go! Keep em coming! Great job!
  • MSmooth747
    MSmooth747 Posts: 55 Member
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    Move on
  • kd4life
    kd4life Posts: 1
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    let me just say continue to work on you and your weight and at the end of this accomplishment then you can relook how you feel about your relationship dilemma. I say this because you can not ignore the issue or resolve the issue yourself, so let your ability to continue to work on you answer the dilemma....

    all things are possible through discipline and endurance....
  • nachodman
    nachodman Posts: 29 Member
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    In my own opinion, a man is attracted to a woman physically first (say all you want, but nobody and I mean NOBODY wears their personality on their sleeve). Now, having said that, if he is not attracted to you physically, what's he doing with you? This reminds of the old joke that men marry women hoping they will change and women marry men hoping they don't. It can go either way, but if you are asking each other to change for the sake of the other, then that, in my opinion, is not unconditional love. I have been married for 23 years, my weight has gone up and down as has my lovely bride's. I have NEVER told her she should lose weight, love has absolutely NOTHING to do with weight.

    I would like to commend you for loving you for you and that is exactly what he should do, love you for who you are and NOT what you look like, what dress size you are, or what you weigh.....

    I am sorry to hear of your situation. My mother always taught me, if a woman doesn't accept you for who you are, faults and all, then she doesn't really love you.
  • Makeda1211
    Makeda1211 Posts: 134 Member
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    This is a difficult topic to post but I need to get some thoughts from the MFP community on a relationship dilemma I am in. In August I met a wonderful man, by November we decided to become exlcusive as our connection and feelings towards each other are indeniably intense. Things are going really well and we are discussing a future together, BUT there is one serious issue that has me very concerned.

    On more than one occasion, my boyfriend has referenced my weight as being the one thing that prevents him from wanting to spend the rest of his life with me. Some specific comments have included, "one day I hope that I can learn to love your body the way I love the rest of you". I have never dated someone curvy before and it is not easy for me", I think you should get back down to your college weight" , Ï find it hard to touch you because I do not like your body",I bet you weigh as much as me and I am 6 foot 4". I can go on and on...

    I have struggled with my weight and looks my entire life, it has only been in the past couple of years that I have learned to love myself. I AM strong enough not to let him break me down but other than this one thing, the relationship is wonderful. I love this guy and he says he loves me, he says I am the best thing that has ever happened to him but I fear that I will never meet his expectations with my body and that is a dealbreaker for him. I have talked to him about it and he swears he is not that shallow, then it comes up again a week later.

    Since he has been getting on my case for my weight I have actually put on about 8 pounds, I am sure it is stress and my own body rebelling. I am on my weight loss journey for me, not him and have been well before he was around but he seems to want me to do this for him.

    I have talked to him about it, he says he can't help that he finds my body unattractive. As I mentioned before, I am ok with me, want to lose the last pounds for ME. Other than this we are more than wonderful together, everywhere we go people assume we are an old married couple. We can talk and laugh for hours, we love being together. I know men are visual but am I being a cry baby about this or is he being an absolute *kitten* about the situation?

    Important to note, he is much skinnier than anyone I have ever dated but that has not affected my feelings for him in any way. We have also gone hiking and worked out together and I am far fitter than he is, he is a smoker so the thing about him wanting me healthy... non issue as far as I am concerned.

    Thought are much appreciated... Thanks!!

    Hun,

    I know you have been getting all kinds of advice on here from everyone. I am so glad that you have found the love for yourself and that you were brave enough to even ask for some type of insight into this relationship you are in.

    Never, ever, let some lie to you and say they love you....but...... As soon as they say that, they are lying. I'm not sure why, but they are. I believe that he cares for you. He cares enough to keep you around until the next thing that he thinks looks better comes along. ( It may not be what you want to hear but its the truth).

    You have to take a step back and look at the situation and decide if it is something or he is the someone that you want to live with for the rest of your life. Or, do you want to find the person that will love you beyond yourself and your flaws. It's your choice, and no one else's to make.

    I can tell you that only you can say when enough is enough. There should be no reason that you shouldn't walk into a room where your significant other is, an their heart doesn't flutter and they don't burn for you. If that's not happening, hold out for better. You could be wasting time with the wrong one while the right one is just waiting for you to be free.

    Just a thought.
  • mauswood
    mauswood Posts: 137 Member
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    The only reason someone should even consider weight being an issue with the person they love is because of their health and wanting to make sure that person is going to be around to love as long as possible. But that's really just more of a health issue - skinny people can be super unhealthy too. I've totally dated guys that gave me grief about my body, and there was a time when I agreed with them - but I also knew a bunch of guys who wanted to be with me and would take me as I was. So it didn't take me long to kick them to the curb. You seem like an awesome person, who's fit, knows how to handle herself etc. I know it's cliche, but there are a lot of fish in the sea, and there are a lot of fish who will love you for exactly who you are, come thick or thin. Love is NOT conditional. But ultimately it's your decision. I just think the person you love should make you feel more special and loved than anyone else - and it doesn't sound like he's going to be able to do that for you if he's withholding affection and harassing you about this. Congratulations on your journey so far and good luck with what ever your decision may be.
  • LassoOfTruth
    LassoOfTruth Posts: 735 Member
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    I know we don't get the whole story, but it sounds like he's just being mean. IDK if I would be able to go out with a man that said those things to me. Not because of my self-esteem, but for the sheer fact that he "doesn't find you attractive." That's a little weird to me, considering you're in a relationship. Sure, we need to think our significant other is a hottie and be attracted to them, but that is not the only thing that makes a relationship work. IDK... this is a weird situation, simply because you don't seem to be beaten down by him. Usually, a post like this is followed by the girl being sad and depressed from the man. You seem strong about it. But, I'd still not involve myself with a man stating those things about my body, being it fat/obese/skinny/healthy. Good luck.
  • Momma1213
    Momma1213 Posts: 56
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    Oh. Hell. No.

    Sounds like my EX husband, who I tried desperately to please for too many wasted years of my life. So sweet and wonderful on the one hand, and such a malicious manipulator on the other. People like that draw you in with the "nice" side and spin you around until you're dizzy with the "critical" side as a way to break you down and make you "prove" that you "love" them enough to do anything for them. It's BS. If you jump through this hoop he'll put up more. Next he won't like the way you drive, or talk, or laugh, and you'll be expected to change and change and change to suit him. Does he love YOU or does he love the possibility that YOU are programmable? It isn't about your weight. It's about him looking for a way to turn you into his puppet.

    Totally this. It always starts "small" and then it just keeps going and going until you don't even recognize yourself anymore. Please run, don't walk, away. Do this for YOU.
  • monjacq1964
    monjacq1964 Posts: 291 Member
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    your Relationship Dilemna is NOT due to your weight. Its due to his being judgmental and nonaccepting. You accept his faults, don't you? his smoking, his being an *kitten*?

    He needs a swift kick in the pants.
  • ShazMc73
    ShazMc73 Posts: 106 Member
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    Wow, came back to my post and found 20 pages of responses... woah! Last night I won a spin burnout competition, 36 competitors, I told my guy and his response was "wow, glad you are doing something to get yourself fit and our relationship better, now we just need you on a nutrition plan". I realised that it is a hopeless case and told him that I am not the problem, he is and that the world typically sees me as a strong beautiful woman and it's a shame he can't do the same. He "reassured" me that he is my man and loves me but I said as much as I love him I don't think I can be with someone who finds me so unappealing, especially as I am just fine.

    He thinks I am overthinking and over-reacting, but his taste and preferences cannot be overcome so there we go.

    Thanks again all.
  • SelfHelpJunky
    SelfHelpJunky Posts: 205 Member
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    Wow, came back to my post and found 20 pages of responses... woah! Last night I won a spin burnout competition, 36 competitors, I told my guy and his response was "wow, glad you are doing something to get yourself fit and our relationship better, now we just need you on a nutrition plan".

    :noway: I'd put him on a "nutrition plan" to eat *kitten*. I think you're perfectly capable of making your own decisions about your eating, and I'm glad you are starting to see that you are worth so much more than this loser.

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