Losing Weight While Your Partner Doesn't

BoomstickChick · March 2013

she got attention she was gone. That's women for you.

Hey now, we're not all attention *kitten*.

MeanSophieCat · March 2013

If the question is whether to leave my husband, the answer will almost always be no. Unless he becomes dangerous to me or my kids, there isn't anything that will end my marriage. He has seen me through two pregnancies and about three different clothes sizes. We've gained and lost weight in the 8 years we've been together and there wasn't one second when I didn't think he was the best looking man I've ever met. He'll lose hair, I'll sag and we'll have a full and interesting life changing together.

If you are questionning whether you should leave your partner, I think the answer is probably yes. If you no longer find her attractive, that isn't a good situation for either of you. She deserves to find someone who loves her and finds her attractive - whatever way she chooses to live her life. You deserve that too. This is going to come off sounding rude - but I've seen it happen too many times not to write it - I hope that you don't later regret your decision when you've played the field and found that, ideal body type or not, she was still the best thing for you.

Good luck whatever you choose

kellijauch · March 2013

If you are changing your life, but your partner is content in thiers, then you have to decide if you love them as they are.

I think this says it all. Do you love your partner for who they are, regardless of what they look like, and aren't they in fact the exact same person you fell in love with, while you are the one who has changed? Obviously, it's a change for the better, but you never signed an agreement saying if one person got thin, the other had to as well.

Hopefully, she would want to take your journey with you, but if not, you can't really expect her to just because you did. Now maybe your success will inspire her.

Is it superficial thinking, you're hotter now so you want to be with someone hotter too? Or is it that you are concerned for her health and want her to lead an active lifestyle? You need to figure out why this bothers you, and if it's a good enough reason to leave the person you love.

Also, of course you should have several conversations about it. Sometimes it takes people hearing something once before they really understand. If she really loves you, and it would save your relationship, she would be willing to do it with the proper motivation. Just don't ever come at a woman saying you want her to lose weight, we will take that the wrong way every time and get defensive. Come at it from the health concern and longevity aspect.

jillwhite12 · March 2013

I've been in a similar situation but I was on the other side of it...

My boyfriend of 7 years decided to end our relationship after I had gained weight. We had bought a house together, had been living together for 6 years and had often talked about getting married. While in the beginning I thought it was the most heartless thing he could do (he had gained some weight also and I had stuck around), I'm now glad that he ended it.

The fact is that once you're no longer attracted to your partner, inevitably you will make them miserable as well. Trust me, it is very obvious when your partner is not attracted to you anymore. The last 2 years of my relationship, I knew he wasn't attracted to me and I fell into a deep depression and attempted suicide a few times. Finally he left and things got worse for me for a while, but now, a little over a year later... I'm happy he ended it. I still think he's an insensitive jerk lol but the break up was definitely beneficial for me.

You are not doing anyone any good by staying with them when the attraction is gone... One thing I wish my ex had done is end it earlier. Instead of waiting to the point where my self-esteem was non-existent and I was depressed. If he had ended it earlier, I would've been hurt but would have been spared 2 years of feeling like I wasn't good enough and falling into that depression. Once you get to that point, you're miserable in the relationship, but you also feel unworthy. I don't know if I ever would have left him because I felt like I wasn't good enough for anybody. Also, I got so depressed that I started gaining more weight!

So now, I'm single, happy, and I'm losing weight for myself! I'm much happier being single than being in a relationship with someone that isn't attracted to me for ME!

mattschwartz01 · March 2013

Honest question. Say you have been in a relationship for a few years with somebody, and you decide to lose weight / change your lifestyle. 6 months down the road and you're in great shape while your partner has stayed the same (maintained the same lifestyle). You have tried to motivate your partner to better themselves physically but they don't want to change anything. You now don't see your partner in the same way physically, and think it's unfair that you care about how you look but they don't care about it.

Would you leave your partner?

Love the one you're with ....

40mpw · March 2013

One thing for which I am very grateful is that my husband has been and remains committed to fitness and eating well. Seeing him workout keeps it at the forefront of my mind and keeps my motivation high, and when we occasionally workout together it is extra-great couple time.

He has never, ever nagged me or pointed out when I am being lazy or that I have gained weight. He will, however, gently encourage me if I'm being wishy washy (me: I just don't feel like working out. him: that's fine if you decide not to, but I think you'd feel better if you did.). Mostly, I am motivated by the example he sets.

If he were to start dropping the good habits and picking up the bad ones, I would not leave. He's an incredible human being, and his healthy lifestyle is only one of many things I love about him. If he got fat and unfit and unmotivated to fix it, I would stay and love him and set a good example for him and gently encourage him. I would do for him what he has done for me.

tageekly · March 2013

My ex and I gained together then started losing together. She had quicker success along with less to lose so the minute her single friends started inviting her clubbing and she got attention she was gone. That's women for you.

That's THAT woman - not all women.

beautifulmess87 · March 2013

i guess i'd say this....
I dont feel like the way I look changes what i find attractive.
I think the man im with is attractive and i dont think bc my *kitten* shrinks that'll change.

I do believe this, if it is having an impact on their health and you sit back and say nothing, you are not helping the situation.
i had a friend who was 300 lbs plus and kept gaining and getting pregnant even tho it was litterally killing her. if i was her husband (who just so happens to be extremely in shape.) i would have threatened to leave a long time ago. She continuoulsy puts herself in harms way bc she just wont stop eating.

this seems so entirely vain to me. I mean.. the same person, you loved em while you were fat & unhealthy and they were there.

& to the person who said you'd cheat.. until you got caught or left..... TERRIBLE....
If you dont want to be with a person, leave... There is never an excuse to cheat... NEVER....

.

Losingthedamnweight · March 2013

It's not shallow if their inability to try to lose weight is just a part of the problem. If you're upset because they won't let go of their horrible habits that are endangering their health and you're sick of being with someone that ALWAYS has that "nope. Not gonna try" lifeless attitude, it's not shallow. It's a lifestyle change. People change and grow. Sometimes they grow apart. To sit back at a distance and criticize people only focusing on "he wants to leave her cause she's not pretty. That is like so wrong" is ignoring the issue completely. I'm not saying you're saying that, but there are people that would just focus on that. I think your comment was spot on. Especially towards the end on the "I'm hot you're not goodbye". That is incredibly stupid

If you would consider leaving someone for such a shallow reason, you don't love them.... which means if your partner loves you, they'd be better off if you didn't string them along.

If there are other factors at play and other reasons for wanting to leave, forgive me for being so blunt.
It's possible that increased confidence with better fitness brings your unhappiness with a relationship to your attention. Also, if someone makes you feel guilty for wanting to better your fitness or even sabotages you, that's another story entirely. But if you're like "I'm hot now and he/she isn't. I'm gonna go get me a hot one," my previous statement applies.

Marcillene · April 2013

Great topic! It's interesting to read the different opinions and hear both sides of the story. I'm in the same boat with my husband. I'm losing weight and with that came a new love for an active lifestyle, which he does not share. And while his weight problem alone wouldn't make me leave him, his inability to try new things, be active with me and our kids, etc. is contributing to my dissatisfaction on our relationship. That may seem harsh but it's the reality. I find myself wondering if I can live the rest of my life with him. I'm hoping that talking with him and explaining this, leading by example, continuing to encourage him to join me in my activities or allowing him to choose an activity and join him, and showing him that I am serious about being fit and healthy this time around, that he will eventually see the light and make some improvements in his life.

I have to say though, if he doesn't...I don't see us working out in the long run. I will put in the effort for us and our three kids but if he doesn't put in any effort then there's nothing more I can do. Good luck with your decision. It's a hard one.

ABSOLUTELY AGREE! AND KNOW THIS FEELING!

DefyGravity1977 · April 2013

Wow, does this strike a chord for me. I am in this situation but not only does he not care to take care of himself healthwise there are other issues. I am working hard to deal with my issues and take care of myself while he does not seem to care. I have asked for divorce and we are in counseling but he just doesn't get that his health and hygiene are part of the problem.

danibu98 · April 2013

My husband has stuck by me, loved me and been supportive through my "thicks" and my "thins". Although he has always been in amazing shape and taken extremely good care of himself, if the roles were reversed I would stick by him too!

kbeech06 · April 2013

Not a chance. My marriage is far too important to me. I married for love...not how my husband looks. Do I worry about my hubby? Of course, I do. But I love him and I respect his choices. You can encourage a person to get healthy...but forcing the issue won't help. If and when he's ready....I'll be there to cheer him on as he is doing to me right now.

songbyrdsweet · April 2013

My BF is pretty active and we both eat at the same level of healthiness most of the time. I might be a bit more health-conscious but we both have a little extra padding, just in different areas, and we both want to lose it. I think he is super attractive so I wouldn't care if he stayed the same weight while I lost some. He could gain some and it wouldn't bother me, but he's the type of person who just stays wiry. We have an awesome relationship though; perhaps if we didn't, I would be more conscious of a difference in our lifestyles because I'd already be concerned about our compatibility.

rebelate · April 2013

I would stick with them, as long as they are encouraging and supporting, and weren't trying to "derail me."

I can see how it might be different if I went from eating all day, every day, making poor choices, never leaving my couch/house, etc and completely went to the other spectrum. But, even at my heaviest, and "most unhealthy" I still liked to hike, eat well on occasion, and wasn't interested in being lazy, or eating out all the time so someone who lead a completely sedentary / "unhealthy" life style wouldn't be someone I would be interested in.

Mustang_Susie · April 2013

No, weight/fitness is not a deal breaker.

Addictions, abuse, infidelity... Different story.

astronomicals · April 2013

You said partner... Destroy a marriage over this, no... dump a GF/BF, absolutely.... Destroy a marriage because your fatass wife/husband is trying to destroy your ego and make fun of your diet, yeah probably...

hell, i've dumped girls for gaining weight during our relationship... They knew I cared about fitness and physique, so, well, que sera.

wishhh86 · April 2013

When You love each other then of course dont leave.!!
I know its hard, really hard, if You try to get fit and eat healthy and other side dont wanna join and still eating not healthy food!!
Keep going until you reach your goals

Cullinanmarti · April 2013

I think it comes down to the lifestyle concept. Having been in a relationship for 40 years, I probably have some insight . My husband and I are very different in personality but we are a great complement to each other. For example, he is VERY outgoing and I HATE parties. He is a semi professional musician, I am tone deaf. We have different activities. But at the end of the day, we each have something to bring to the table. The key is are you equally interested in what the other brings to the table. As to weight, I was 104 when I met my husband at 5' 6" and my wedding band was a size 3. At my peak weight, I was over200 and pregnant with twins. I have had periods of no exercise, fat, and sad. He stepped up because he just really found me fascinating (yeah, great guy). I guess you have to decide if you can stay fascinated with your partner....it is a choice. After you decide how you feel, communicate and ask if she wants to continue on the life trip. If she does not want to continue, be the bigger person and kindly and gently withdraw from the relationship. Oh, an ultimatums never work <smile>. Good luck on your journey

rwoods72 · April 2013

I

smithntuck · April 2013

My husband loved me at 300 lbs...now that I am 157 and he is still his same 185 with a pot belly, how could I be so shallow to let that come between us? He worries about it, but as supportive as he has been, it wouldn't matter to me what his weight is. I would love for him to be healthier so that he will hopefully live a fuller, longer life, but that's about as far as it goes.

thecakelocker · April 2013

I flat out refused to go to the gym with my husband the first three days he went. On the fourth day, I realized he wasn't going to quit. I wasn't about to let him get sexy without me, so I went along. Now I crack the whip on him.

If I had kept refusing to go and eating whatever while he got healthy I'm sure it would have been extremely frustrating for him. This is just a tough situation to be in.

lina1131 · April 2013

There is no way in hell I would leave my husband if he didn't lose weight. I married him because I love him and plan on being with him for the rest of our lives, no for the rest of our lives IF you weigh what I want you to weigh. WTF?

When I met my husband I was in the best shape of my life at 135 pounds. When we got married, I was 174. After our first child 213 :noway: Before our second child 160. After our second child 183 and now since I don't plan on having anymore kids, I am working to get my 135 body back!

When I met my husband he was a body builder. Now, he is far from a body builder. I love him more today than I did when I met him. I can't ever imagine his weight being the reason I leave him.

My husband has told me how beautiful I am at every single one of those weights. Once I asked him (when I weighed 213) if my weight was a problem for him and he told me that he loves me no matter what I weigh and that i'm always beautiful and attractive to him.

THANK GOD I don't have to worry about this crap!

rwoods72 · April 2013

IFor me that wouldn't be a reason to leave, I'm doing this for myself because it's what I need to do.
So if the bf wants to sit on the couch eating m & m's while I'm trying to get healthy that's his choice and not a valid reason to me to replace him with someone that might fit my new life style better now.

Him not being capable of replacing an empty toilet paper roll with a full one after almost 20 yrs. now that there is almost reason enough to replace him...

I love this...made my day:laugh:

Scarlett_S · April 2013

I think it varies depending on the situation at hand. My husband has never been overweight, and he has always been athletic, so I can't imagine him gaining a ton of weight. BUT - he does NOT eat healthy and I see that eventually catching up with him. I have tried to get him to conform to *my* food but years of eating a certain way with his parents and on his own have made him an extremely picky eater.

I was overweight for 15 plus years and he stuck with me when I was 150 lbs and when I was 255 lbs. So I can't see leaving him over his weight. I will say that people are generally happier when they are healthy, close to goal weight, and working out, so I think that makes for a happier relationship overall. That is the one thing he's said about me loosing weight - its not about the looks so much as the fact that I am a much happier person now.

Morenosn · April 2013

I am in the same position. I have started living a healthier lifestyle and my husband will not budge. He loves his soda and junk food. The hardest part for me, has been looking at all his junk food and finding it more difficult bc it is still in the house, it is easier to grab a poptart on the way out the door than it is is take time making a breakfast juice or eggs... so if that crap was gone from the house completely, it would be soo much easier! I am with my husband though, because I love him as a person, he is my best friend, I am not with him for his looks, although I am very much attracted to him. All I can do is educate him daily on a healthier lifestyle and simple alternatives to what he eats (Light sour cream, fresh veggies and fruit, whole wheat, low sodium, ect...) and invite him on walks and parking further from the door. One day, i hope that he will realize how passionate I am about this and jump on the bandwagon, but until then I will just serve as a good example for him.

Best of luck to you, and I am sure there are people that will understand if you decide to leave your partner, and in another light, you do need to surround yourself with people that have the same passion as you with a healthy lifestyle. It would be a shame to get so far, just to fall on your face because you are surround with unhealthy people. ANNNDDD it is important to be physically attracted to your partner, if you are not, you may find yourself in a rather difficult situation later on in life. I would say discuss your concerns with your partner, and if they truely care about your feelings and relationship, they will make an attempt to change and if not, then they know what will be coming next!

kimimila86 · April 2013

I can honestly say I was/still am the spouse in your scenario. A couple years ago my husband and I made a pact with each other on our anniversary that we would be more healthy together. We joined a gym and cleaned up our eating. After a month, he lost 10 lbs, I lost 2. It's been a rollercoaster ever since. Last year I was able to lose 30 lbs, and he was thrilled for me. I ended up gaining it all back, and here I sit at square one again. Need I not mention that he looks amazing!

I've asked my husband a few times why he hasn't left me and he says he loves me for who I am, and if that means I'm overweight, I'm overweight. I don't like the idea of being unhealthy for the rest of our lives and I will continue to work on it until I find something that works. Would he find me more attractive if I lost the weight? Absolutely.

It's worth reevaluating if you see the path of your lives going different directions. I hope it's not just based on her looks. If her attitude is changed or not congruent with what you want in your future, it's worth a discussion with her.

amyk225 · April 2013

no its their choice, my partner is actually gaining, i workout at home, sometimes id be in my room working out and he would be watching tele and stuffing his face, im actually shocked that he dosnt feel motivated when he sees me work out everyday but i cant force him to change his lifestyle,i do hope one day he will workout with me:(

_Witsy_ · April 2013

I can honestly say I was/still am the spouse in your scenario. A couple years ago my husband and I made a pact with each other on our anniversary that we would be more healthy together. We joined a gym and cleaned up our eating. After a month, he lost 10 lbs, I lost 2. It's been a rollercoaster ever since. Last year I was able to lose 30 lbs, and he was thrilled for me. I ended up gaining it all back, and here I sit at square one again. Need I not mention that he looks amazing!

I've asked my husband a few times why he hasn't left me and he says he loves me for who I am, and if that means I'm overweight, I'm overweight. I don't like the idea of being unhealthy for the rest of our lives and I will continue to work on it until I find something that works. Would he find me more attractive if I lost the weight? Absolutely.

It's worth reevaluating if you see the path of your lives going different directions. I hope it's not just based on her looks. If her attitude is changed or not congruent with what you want in your future, it's worth a discussion with her.

This.... my husband has watched me gain and lose weight continuosly for 12 years and now that my mind has finally grasped what I need to do...I am finding I'm attracted to different body types... BUT....I still love him on so many other levels that this one reason alone would never be enough for me to leave. He's got my back, and I got his...and hopefully together we will morph into a much healthier couple.

Heypapajinx · April 2013

I am I this situation too, while he is making small changes like trying new foods he is never good at sticking to things. I love him, he is a great man, and he treats me like a queen.... Him refusing to change his diet or workout will not make me leave him. He is super supportive of me and I couldn't ask for more... no one is perfect but if this person treats you well and you really connect with someone it isn't worth throwing away. Have you had a talk with her? I haven't had this discussion with my boyfriend but I do have concerns about his heath. I don't want to lose him over an unhealthy lifestyle and I think maybe hearing that will make him motivated. All in all, the answer is no.... if that is your only issues you have, it isn't worth it.

Thank you tmharrison. I was in this very situation as well and I couldn't have said it better myself. I found myself beginning to resent my boyfriend for sitting next me eating garbage every night while I ate salads and water. I also started becoming very angry when he would complain about his weight and then eat a pint of icecream with a candy bar and a Dr. Pepper. It got to the point where I was convinced I was going to end it. In the past year I have lost over 40 lbs. and he has gained, and although he says he hates his weight gain, he continues to eat unhealthily and refuses to join me in a healthy diet. Finally, I told him how I felt, and he was very hurt. When it came down to the breaking point however, I reassesed my importance of our relationship with the same qualities you mentioned. When someone supports you, treats you well, and you two share a wonderful connection, there are things more important than someone gaining weight. Everything else has since all but faded away once I chose to focus on those things. Sure, I still wish he would eat healthily with me, but it's not cosmetic anymore, it's so that I can know that he will be healthy longer when we are hopefully still together in the future. And so HE can feel better about HIMSELF.

Losing Weight While Your Partner Doesn't

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