Is it rude not to cater for allergies/special diets?

As for allergies, I don't think you should opt out of peanut butter frosting on YOUR wedding cake because of one or two people's allergy. I would warn them of the peanuts and peanut products (or any nut products) you will be serving so they know what to avoid.

Agreed!

Depends on the severity of the allergy. If they are allergic by scent, and I know someone who is, just being in the same room as peanut butter can send them into anaphylaxic shock

If it was a parent, grandparent, aunt/uncle, sibling, very close friend that had this then I am sure the bride and groom would be keen to it and would chose not to have a peanut product. BUT if it is your dad's coworker's daughter whom you met once then no, don't opt out of what you love for her. If it is that severe then warn them obviously so they can chose to come or not. But it is the bride and grooms day. And if they are peanut eating meat eaters, then they should have a menu that reflects them for the most part. It isn't being rude to have your wedding reflect what you and your hubby love.

We struggle with this in my husband's family. His sister and brother have dairy allergies. His mother and grandmother have gluten allergies. His aunt can't eat onions. His cousin is allergic to soy. His other cousin is allergic to eggs and chicken. He has aunts and uncles with nut allergies.

You can see how hard it would be to cook a full meal that everyone could eat. Additionally, some of the allergies are so severe that they cannot eat food that's been cooked on shared surfaces.

Something like a wedding would be tough - my husband's family typically eat before they go to events like that because they know they probably can't eat anything - but for a typical family get together this is my coping strategy.

I cook a single main dish that everyone can eat. It is typically a beef or pork roast cooked using only mild seasoning. That is what works in this family. I make a couple sides - without worrying about allergies and then everyone is told to bring a side. They bring something they can eat with the ingredients clearly listed. For snacks/dessert we do fresh fruit and veggies.

It would be rude for me to give no thought to what others can/can't eat. I don't think it is rude for me to ask them to bring a dish.

I have several food allergies, but I have never expected someone to cater to my needs at a wedding or something. I just don't eat what I cant eat, there have been several family reunions and such where I didn't eat dessert or much else for that matter. I would however ask the ingredients of food and expect to be told.

As a vegetarian and former vegan, no I don't think you are obligated to cater to special diets. However, it is much appreciated and not hard to do. A salad without cheese and a vinagarette will satisfy most diets and won't break the budget. I remember being the lone vegan at a friends low-budget wedding, but she had baked a vegan cake for me the day before since I couldn't have the wedding cake. It really made my day.

I made sure to accommodate for religious restrictions but didn't feel compelled to go beyond that and I think it's unnecessary. Ppl with allergies can ask the staff about ingredients etc. weddings are expensive and stressful enough as it is and I think guests understand that. Plus there are soooo many ppl with bogus sensitivities these days.

I don't know if it's an American thing or more global, but our society has become much more accustomed to having our every little specific need met without argument. That's not to say people with true allergies are being jerks (though I have met many that are). I don't know if we have a higher percentage of people these days with food intolerances/aversions/allergies/etc., or if these people are just more vocal about their intolerances/aversions/allergies/etc. Back in the day, if you didn't like or couldn't eat something you just shut up, thanked your host for a lovely evening, and moved on.

Part of me says that the answer to this specific question is, "it depends". Depends on the size of the wedding and extent of the food you are serving. For example, if you're encouraging people to stay at your reception for a while via a formal/sit-down meal or a huge buffet with booze, music, etc., I would say you should do more to ensure special needs are met. If it's a small affair with punch and tiny sandwiches in the reception hall of your church, I don't think there's as much of an expectation that you go out of your way to make special food.

Honestly, though, food is only one part of the wedding equation and if you really wanted to get picky you could find many other ways to offend than food. What if you don't know your great Aunt Mildred hates the way Lily of the Valley smells, and you've got swaths of it all over the church pews? I would like to think that if you do cater to special needs then those guests will appreciate your effort. However, as others have said, it's your wedding and you get to call the shots. If someone really loves you and wants to share your day with you, they will make sure their own dietary (or botanical, lol) needs are met for that one occasion.

Personally, when I got married 17 years ago this was not even a blip on my radar. I had a large evening wedding with a heavy buffet, booze, and music. When planning the menu, I was more focused on making sure I had a wide variety of foods that could be enjoyed by most. As someone who has no food allergies and never met a food I didn't like, I'm not as in tune with this and therefore don't have the mindset of the person who has to deal with this day in and out.

One of my favourite bloggers is engaged, and writing a lot of guest posts on wedding dilemmas. On one of her recent posts, she included the line "you don't have to cater for every allergy/diet".

I really disagree with this. I think it would be incredibly rude to invite a celiac, vegan, vegetarian, person with a nut-allergy, etc, to your wedding, with the proviso that you'll be serving edible food to everyone except them.:/

We did discuss this a little, and it turns out that I was picturing a scenario where you knew about the allergy/diet in advance, while she was picturing a scenario where you only found out late in the day. However, she did still say that she wouldn't feel the need to cater for one lone vegan, who would be "used to fending for themselves".

Having been that one lone vegan, I would be quite hurt if someone whom I liked enough to attend their wedding fed everyone but me.:(

I'd love to hear some other thoughts on this. I'm aware that I'm heavily biased due to the vegan thing. Plus, I've never organised a wedding.

Where should the line be drawn? Allergies, like celiac disease or nut allergies? Choices like veganism or vegetarianism? Special diets like atkins or the cabbage soup diet?

I can sort of see both sides of this argument. I personally think it is rude to EXPECT everyone to cater to your own food allergy or diet choice - ESPECIALLY if it is a choice. For example, if you are a vegan or a vegetarian because you choose to be- then I think it is rude to expect people to cater to that. It is the same as me expecting people to offer weight watchers friendly food at their wedding, just because I am following Weight Watchers. If you have celiac for example, obviously that isn't a choice - however - I wouldn't expect people to cater to it either. There are so many food allergies and conditions out there now it would be virtually impossible to cater to every one of them at your wedding.

However, if you know ahead of time that a specific person that is coming to your wedding has a gluten allergy for example, then yes, I can understand providing foods that they can eat. If you don't know ahead of time - then I don't think you are obligated in any way to provide special options for them - because it would be impossible to provide something for EVERY possible condition or allergy. As for the vegetarians/vegans/diets by choice - whether you know ahead of time or not - I don't think you are obligated whatsoever to provide vegetarian or vegan options for them.

So to sum up, yes it does depend on certain circumstances, but I think overall - you aren't obligated to do this and people should not expect anybody to cater to their dietary needs - wedding or otherwise.

*edit* just wanted to add - the only possible way to provide something that EVERYBODY can eat would be to ask people when they RSVP to tell you what their allergies or dietary restrictions are - and then provide accordingly - which I think is absolutely ridiculous. Yeah, the wedding I"m going to this year - I will tell my cousin that I'm on Weight Watchers and that she better provide foods I can eat, or I'm not coming.

. someone with a nut allergy wouldnt even be able to eat anything if dinner was served to them and one item on the plate had nuts on it. cross contamination would still cause that person to have a reaction. and if you speak to the catering company, they will usually make a special plate/dish for no extra cost for an attendee with an allergy or special need.

Cross contamination is key.

I have allergies to things. LOTS of allergies to things, including foods. I would never consider it rude to not cater to my needs. As a matter of fact, with them being MY allergies, I believe it's MY responsibility to ask what is being served, how it's been prepared, etc, and eat what I can eat or make other arrangements. Just because we have various dietary needs doesn't mean we're special little snowflakes.

That being said, I also don't think it's unreasonable to expect the "lone vegan" to "fend for themselves" - because it's not like when you choose 'chicken or fish' they're telling you that's all that will be served.

My honest, probably unpopular opinion? People need to get over themselves and quit expecting to be babied, catered to, and treated like they're special compared to everyone else.

I have allergies to things. LOTS of allergies to things, including foods. I would never consider it rude to not cater to my needs. As a matter of fact, with them being MY allergies, I believe it's MY responsibility to ask what is being served, how it's been prepared, etc, and eat what I can eat or make other arrangements. Just because we have various dietary needs doesn't mean we're special little snowflakes.

That being said, I also don't think it's unreasonable to expect the "lone vegan" to "fend for themselves" - because it's not like when you choose 'chicken or fish' they're telling you that's all that will be served.

My honest, probably unpopular opinion? People need to get over themselves and quit expecting to be babied, catered to, and treated like they're special compared to everyone else.

I couldn't agree with you more. Our society has become a group of big babies that need to get over themselves.

It seems to me that its become the fashion to have allergies!

I didn't know one person with a allergy when I was a kid!!

Ps. I know some of you won't like this comment but its my opinion!

Yes!!! Thank you I'm glad someone finally came out and said it. Having (fake) wheat / gluten / peanut allergies is all the rage these days.

This is so, so true. Having actually HAD allergies for most of my life (and almost dying from a couple of them!), I just roll my eyes at people having "fake" health issues.

Sorry, but whenever I've been over to a vegan/vegetarian's house to eat dinner, I wasn't offered a steak (or any other meat, for that matter).

This is always such an interesting assumption. I'm not sure why meat-eaters think they're not catered for when they're served perfectly edible food that doesn't contain specific ingredients they like, or why they think it's comparable to serving food containing ingredients that other people can't eat.

Yeah I don't like this arguement either.
A vegetarian won't serve you meat products because they dont agree with the slaughter of animals for human consumption, so to buy meat and serve it to you is going against their beliefs. If they serve it to you, they may as well eat it themselves.

However if you decide to not prepare a meal for a vegetarian, it's not because you're against killing a vegetable for them. It's because you are disrespectful.

Belief can be thrown around anyway you want. The meat eater could argue that they believe that the animals were put here for them to slaughter and eat. Whose belief is right? Who wins? Not saying I support either side, just saying. I think this argument could be solved as whoever is the host is GIVING you food. Either except or decline it, don't whine about it. I was raised it is highly disrespectful to be ungrateful for what is being GIVEN to you, food included.

I have been on both sides of the fence really. I was a veggie for 5 years when I was in my teens. I finally decided that my long lost love for eating meat won and went back to eating meat. When I was a vegan, I never, EVER expected anyone to only cook vegan meals for me when I was invited to an event or went over for dinner. If I went to an event I would only eat the things that were veggie, I didn't throw a hissy fit of how unfair and disrespectful the host was because she didn't do things my way.

I didn't even ask the guest that came to my reception if they had and dietary/allergy needs. I did list everything that would be at the reception, so anyone could plan accordingly. I was my day, my rules and I already had to much stress worrying about other things then catering to everyone elses' needs.

The only exception I could see, is if the majority of your guest are going to be veggie/vegan, then of course I would had offered two different meals.

When I go to someone's gathering, wedding or not, I eat what is put in front of me or if I cannot eat it, gracefully decline without anyone noticing. I personally like to cater to everyone's needs if i can as a hostess but find it extremely rude as a guest to ever let my host catch wind that I dislike something they have prepared for me.

I guess I'm in the minority here as I don't prescribe to the childish "It's MY wedding! I'll do what I want and who cares about everyone else!" Seriously. I can picture the bride stamping her foot and crying. But that's just me.

If you KNOW that a guest you have invited has a food allergy then I think you should accommodate that especially if it's an allergy that can kill them like a nut allergy. There are people who can go into anaphylaxic shock just by being near a nut. I worked with a woman who had a very severe nut allergy and whenever I made baked goods and brought them in I made sure that not only did I NOT use any nuts but I skipped any recipe that had nut extracts in it. Also I have never been to a wedding where they didn't offer a vegetarian dish.

If someone has celiacs then they can ask the venue how the food is prepared and possibly tell them ahead of time that they have an issue with gluten and need things prepared a certain way. If they can't accommodate that then I think it would be acceptable for them to bring their own food.

Yes!!

It stops being all about you when you invite people. You are hosting people. The reception is intended to be a thank you to your guests for coming. Just because you are getting married does not mean you get to throw common curtesy out the window.

As for the comments about vegetarians and meat being perfectly edible - actually introducing meat back into your diet after not having it for awhile has some seriously unpleasant side effects. It's not exactly perfectly edible initially.

It's pretty simple if you know combinatoric math.

Take the basics: gluten, lactose, nut.
Then add in the lifestyle: paleo, vegan, vegetarian, and maybe lactovopescatarian.

That's 7 combinations that should cover all the bases. To be sure, you might have lactose-intolerant vegan, or maybe gluten-intolerant vegetarian, so, to be safe, you can't just make 7 meals. A bit of wheat in that veggie burger and you're all done!

Now, and it's been a long time since I was in discrete math, but IIRC the number of unordered unique combinations of R choices from a list of N is = n!/r!(n-r)!

With a fairly conservative estimate of that a person can only be, say 3 at the same time, that's 7! / 3!(7-3)! combinations.

Now 7! is about 5000, but that's ordered, and I don't want to do all the math, but it does give us an upper bound to work with, so it should be no more than a few hundred separate dishes at worst.