Losing Weight While Your Partner Doesn't

You now don't see your partner in the same way physically, and think it's unfair that you care about how you look but they don't care about it.

Would you leave your partner?

It is unfair-- that way of thinking, that is.

Unless the partner is overweight or inactive to the point where they look vulnerable from a purely health perspective, you really have no right to change them. If you don't love them because you've found a different way of living and you want someone who lives similarly, then you have to just admit that to yourself. If you no longer find them attractive, then I'm sorry but you're shallow.

You can't fault your partner because they are taking longer to reach the state of mind that you found, or that they will never find it. That's who they are-- either accept it and continue improving yourself, or go find someone else who you will be happier with. But don't kid yourself that they are the problem here. There is no problem, because you changed your mindset and your partner stayed the same. That doesn't make one of you right and one of you wrong.

Edit: Realized this is hypothetical, but my post still stands. I would say that to anyone in this situation

This is just hypothetical...I'm not in a relationship. But I am sure people have been in this position before.

I'm not Mr. Fitness by any means, but I keep myself in decent shape. That's just part of who I am and what I care about. I wouldn't marry someone who doesn't feel the same way.

That being said....I feel that it wouldn't boil down to the physical aspect as much as the lifestyle change (changing what you value as a person).

im in a realtionship that my partner is happier with me being fat and unhealthy its like the better im looking the meaner he is getting.. we have been together for almost 20 years and have two small children togather,, but for me im thinking about leaving just because i feel its abusive of him not to support my new body and life style changes.. i dont feel bad about that either and i maybe should but im not.. im working very hard to feel good inside and out and if he doesnt want to change thats his ok with me but he should be a little more suportive.. sorry thats my rant for the day,,

I'm working out and watching what I eat and my husband isn't. I'd like to encourage him to start but he's not in that mindset yet, so I don't push. Hell, he married me when I was about 30 lbs heavier so for me to push him to change his lifestyle would be wrong. He has been nothing but encouraging and proud. If you truly love someone, you love them regardless of their physical appearance. Remember that we all age and looks change! I love every inch and ounce of my husband and I will accept him and love him whether he loses weight or not.

I am in the same position too! recently married- May 2012- and we had a tough year with family health issues...my mother was dx with breast cancer and his 35yo brother died of a sudden heart attack. I took the opportunity to really focus on the way I want to live my life- exercise, life, and keep a fairly clean diet. While I would never leave him, it really does bother me. I think it is important that we are good role models for his late brother's children and the children that may one day have!

It may be helpful to encourage activities that have an 'athletic' component, join club teams for some added competition, take a cooking class. for us, cooking together allows me to have some control about the food we eat yet it brings us together since I am a major food person and need to have million-step dishes that take some time haha.

why would you dump your partner for a stupid reason like that?? it means you love yourself more than you love the person you are committed to. Getting plenty tired of the "because i am on a health kick, everyone else who isn't or chooses not to is inferior" mentality on MFP

Would you bail if your partner had cancer? Or some other sickness or illness? I don't know if you are married or not, but I am, and I married my man in sickness and in health, for better or worse, til death do us part. That encompases all the wonderful parts of our marriage, and the less than stellar parts of our marriage. I can bet you there are things your partner does not like about you, but LOVE overlooks a lot of fault!

YO THIS IS THE EXACT DILEMMA IM IN!!! Help !

Honest question. Say you have been in a relationship for a few years with somebody, and you decide to lose weight / change your lifestyle. 6 months down the road and you're in great shape while your partner has stayed the same (maintained the same lifestyle). You have tried to motivate your partner to better themselves physically but they don't want to change anything. You now don't see your partner in the same way physically, and think it's unfair that you care about how you look but they don't care about it.

Would you leave your partner?

Absolutely not. I can say that with certainty, because this is pretty much my situation. My husband is finally, reluctantly, coming around due to health problems. I honestly think he looks good. He's always been good looking and from strictly an aesthetic prospective, I prefer chubbier men. But unfortunately looks are not what makes for a long happy life. I really want him to get and stay healthy. I wish he wanted it as much as I.

Honest question. Say you have been in a relationship for a few years with somebody, and you decide to lose weight / change your lifestyle. 6 months down the road and you're in great shape while your partner has stayed the same (maintained the same lifestyle). You have tried to motivate your partner to better themselves physically but they don't want to change anything. You now don't see your partner in the same way physically, and think it's unfair that you care about how you look but they don't care about it.

Would you leave your partner?

No. I started MY journey last June, when my husband had a hip replacement. I have a much healthier lifestyle, as well as have dropped weight. My husband gained about 20 pounds while dealing with his hip issues limiting his active lifestyle. As I have dropped lbs and gotten in better shape, he has sat by with a bag of chips (or whatever) complaining about his gut. I didn't marry him for his gut, nor did I care that he put on the weight. I care about his lack of satisfaction in his life. I continued with my healthier habits, that I am developing for me, with obvious benefits for him.

As I hit the dreadmill the last 6 weeks, he started coming downstairs. Then he started with his weights, and bike. He is slowly working on the eating. I am happy he is starting to feel better.

Thru all of this, I decided to change, I didn't try to change him. He had to make that decision. I didn't need to have a conversation about how his lack of desire to change was affecting me, bc it wasn't, other than his complaints and not doing anything. It sounds as if you need to have a serious, compassionate, honest discussion about your feelings.

My husband felt I was leaving him behind, and in a sense pouted until he was ready to make changes for him, which in turn combined with my changes are improving our life together and with our 3 children.

This is just hypothetical...I'm not in a relationship. But I am sure people have been in this position before.

I'm not Mr. Fitness by any means, but I keep myself in decent shape. That's just part of who I am and what I care about. I wouldn't marry someone who doesn't feel the same way.

That being said....I feel that it wouldn't boil down to the physical aspect as much as the lifestyle change (changing what you value as a person).

im in a realtionship that my partner is happier with me being fat and unhealthy its like the better im looking the meaner he is getting.. we have been together for almost 20 years and have two small children togather,, but for me im thinking about leaving just because i feel its abusive of him not to support my new body and life style changes.. i dont feel bad about that either and i maybe should but im not.. im working very hard to feel good inside and out and if he doesnt want to change thats his ok with me but he should be a little more suportive.. sorry thats my rant for the day,,

In your case I do believe that you are right and it is abusive. It sounds as though he is insecure and you losing weight poses a threat. If you want to save your marriage it is time for MULTIPLE heart to hearts and plenty of calling him out when he acts ugly. But even that may not save it because you can only do so much when it comes to people that are that insecure. Good luck hun and be careful.

*edit for some reason it put my comment inside your quote. oops.

I would look to a relationship counselor on this one. They may identify other reasons why your partner either turns to food for comfort, avoids exercise or eating better, or otherwise doesn't see why a healthy lifestyle is so important. They may just have a "mental wall" of sorts on what this kind of change means (and not know what it DOESN'T mean, like completely depriving yourself of the things you really like), OR they could have something else going on, either with themselves and/or the relationship, that a good therapist could guide them (and you) through.

Giving up on someone due to their weight alone? Maybe, but I'd be willing to bet there's more to it than that.