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Problems with future brother-in-law

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  • MackLuster77
    MackLuster77 Posts: 24 Member
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    It's very rare for one party to be 100% wrong in situations like this, so I don't know how much credibility to give your story.

    If it is how you say, however, I would guess the guy is very insecure. Approach your interactions with him with that in mind.
  • MyPureSteez
    MyPureSteez Posts: 265 Member
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    I'm from Detroit Michigan where people are CRAZY about their cars and this happens a lot. I'd say the best thing your husband can do is GO "Nissan 350z" .

    The more crap this guy talk's the more your man should go "Nissan 350z" T shirts, Hats, key chains ect.. In-fact maybe your husband should give him a Nissan 350z mug as a gift. Every gift you ever give him should have the Nissan 350z logo on it. Let it be known that just because he don't like it doesn't mean it's gonna change your mind.
  • mikey1976
    mikey1976 Posts: 1,005 Member
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    my ways not the right way but if i was hubby i would test his brains because your husband pashion is cars i bet the other guy lives through other peoples exsprence. or he seen fast and the furious one to many times. but yeah i would ask him about his car i bet he doesn't even know where the dip stick is. if this guy come open can i give him my evil sister in law who thinks she better then everyone else and that she g0d gift to man. i tell yeah she rude crude and ugly i would marry my cat first she so bad for my eyes. so i know what your dealing with good luck and your husbands lucky he can kick the guys butt. i don't dare touch her because i was raised not to hit a woman. i want to turn her over my knee so bad i swear
  • angelcurry130
    angelcurry130 Posts: 265 Member
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    Hmmm...i would suggest letting your sister initiate the next gathering, especially if her future hubby is going to be so inulting to his hosts. if you don't want to open that can of worms with her (she may be blind to his faults against others since you said he's good with her) then maybe politely decline a get-together when you know he will be present. or, at the very least, your husband could simply give him the cold shoulder. any time he comes over to talk, all your mister needs to do is get up and walk away. enough of that and either BIL will stop trying to initiate conversation, or he can be confronted (politely) about how his abrasive behavior is not appreciated, and will therefore be avoided.
  • YoungDoc2B
    YoungDoc2B Posts: 1,593 Member
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    I agree that the part about the restaurant was definitely uncalled for, especially when he was receiving a free meal from your parents; a kind gesture that they did NOT have to do. As far as the car, however, is it possible that he was joking around? Did he say it in a condescending manner? Oftentimes,its not WHAT you say, it's how you say it.
  • eric_sg61
    eric_sg61 Posts: 2,925 Member
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    he brought up how his friend just bought a brand new BMW and then says to my husand "oh, you would really like this car. It makes your car look like a TOY". My husband said absolutely nothing, and then the guy said it again. I knew after that, that my husband was pissed.
    Sounds like he is testing your husband, and maybe wants to start a fight.
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
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    Just break up.

    No, seriously, just break up. Anytime someone is still a "future" in law, it is your chance to use the emergency exit before it's too late. Get out while you can. Cut your losses, don't even try to take your TV, just get out.
  • Skrib69
    Skrib69 Posts: 687 Member
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    I think you should start calling him out on his comments, but in a light hearted way. Then you can tell if he is really a jerk or is just clueless. I actually like the "what exactly do you have against my car?" question. For the restaurant situation, I would have said, "well, when you're paying, we'll let you choose" or "I see it hasn't stopped you from enjoying the free food." Otherwise, the situation between him and your husband is just going to get worse. The man needs to know his snarkiness will not be tolerated.

    Another approach would be to get very serious and ask him "why would you bring that up when you know my parents are trying to honor you?" And "why do you continue to insult my car when you know it is my pride and joy?"

    Either way, he needs to be confronted while you remain cool and calm about it.


    Not necessarily this, but I feel you must do something. Brushing it under the carpet and laughing it off is just going to let things fester. He may or may not realise the impact of what he is saying - that is irrelevant. What is relevant is that he is causing offence and sooner or later the situation will explode uncontrollably.

    Your husband could try talking to him to find a bridge - I guess he may not want to do that.

    However, I think you should make it clear to your sister that there is a problem. Make it clear that you feel you are stuck in the middle, and make it clear that you don't want to ever have to choose between her and your husband. Then the pressure is on your sister to keep him in check and you are not stuck in the middle. It should be reasonably easy to get a quiet moment for you to get some time alone with your sister so that you can make your point calmly and politely, avoiding a stand up row.

    The reaction that you get should tell you what your sister thinks of his behaviour, and any change in his behaviour will give a good indication of the other guy's intent.

    Highlighting when the guy is being rude as suggested above will remind and re-enforce the point. If it doesn't improve you may have to choose between your husband and your sister. I bet I know where that choice will go, and you had warned your sister.

    Good luck - it's not an easy situation
  • shutterbug282
    shutterbug282 Posts: 588 Member
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    I am in the exact same position, but her fiancee doesn't seem to realise he is doing it and my sister will defend him about his behaviour.
    It's not fun being stuck in the middle, but I think you should try and talk to your sister about it. :)
  • Ramberta
    Ramberta Posts: 1,312 Member
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    Just break up.

    No, seriously, just break up. Anytime someone is still a "future" in law, it is your chance to use the emergency exit before it's too late. Get out while you can. Cut your losses, don't even try to take your TV, just get out.

    Um... how, exactly, is she supposed to "break up" with her sister's fiance?
  • bellesouth18
    bellesouth18 Posts: 1,070 Member
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    Makes me wonder what he's saying about your sister to other people right now.

    Edit: This is supposed to be the time in their relationship when everything's perfect from their points of view. When the newness and the novelty wear off, what will he be saying about her and everyone else then? If this is his "eager to please" phase, what's he going to be like two years from now?
  • Ramberta
    Ramberta Posts: 1,312 Member
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    Your husband does sound oversensitive. I applaud you, OP, for realizing that this guy may be a d!ck, but what he says shouldn't get to you. Because it doesn't matter.

    I totally agree with other people who have said to call him out on his rude behavior, but only for things like criticizing a restaurant where he's getting a free meal. I would do that to anyone, even if they were normally a nice person, let alone someone with a reputation for asshattery.

    Your hubby may not like this guy -- and there's nothing that says he has to -- but unfortunately he's just gonna have to suck it up and deal, unless this guy turns out to be a real creep after the marriage and starts being mean to your sister as well. Keep a close eye on her and make sure the communication about her relationship with this guy stays open.
  • terriejones
    terriejones Posts: 518 Member
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    Next time he says something about the car hubby should say, "At least it's not a (insert guys car), I read a report that says a ...is the top selling car for guys with performance problems."
  • action_figure
    action_figure Posts: 511 Member
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    Depending on how rude he is, this could be a major red flag. I don't have a clue what you could do about it though. My best friend started dating a guy in 1996 who was an absolute *kitten*. The very first time me met her parents was at a family reunion. I was invited because we'd been best friends since college. Anyway, someone made a political statement that boyfriend disagreed with, and he immediately jumped up, started pounding his fists on the table, shouting profanity, calling the person who'd said it "stupid", etc. He totally lost it. He was so angry there were veins throbbing in his temples, his face was beet red, and flecks of spit were flying out of his mouth and hitting the other person in the face. Totally out of control. Anyway, this guy is ALWAYS like this. Hasn't changed a damn bit. Screams at my friend, their daughter, anyone and everyone who doesn't totally agree with him. NOONE could tell my friend anything. I asked her point blank years ago about his abusive behavior and she was really defensive. Now, of course, she's had her fill and she's miserable, but doesn't really want to get a divorce, etc. I just think that when a love interest disrespects a person's family right in front of them, that's a major sign that they aren't marriage material. I just don't know how to get that through to your sister. I am sorry you are in this situation.
  • ReinasWrath
    ReinasWrath Posts: 1,173 Member
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    well how does your sister get along with your husband? I'm sure she made a special effort to make /him/ feel welcome. This guy is marrying her not you guys. It sounds like he just has bad social skills or may be nervous around you 2, I mean think about it, he is the new comer to the family and has the pressure of meeting/interacting with a whole new lot of <important> people. I totally might be wrong but it sounds like you and your hubs started off judging him from day 1. i know that I'm a super awkward person in real life when I'm meeting or interacting with people who I know need to like me. I'm sure I've said some things that may have come off as rude or weird that were really just very verrrrrrrry strained attempts at conversation. Basically just get to know him a little better before you start ostracizing him.
  • LuHox
    LuHox Posts: 136
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    Hmm... as someone who dated and eventually married (but don't worry, eventually divorced as well) an a-hole that clearly nobody liked, I have to say the worst thing you can do is NOT tell your sister how you, your husband, and anyone else feel about his behavior. She needs to hear it...
    ETA: possibly multiple times.

    Has she always had pretty good self-esteem? Does she have a track record of dating decent, up-standing guys? Or is it the other way around?
  • dreambodin2011
    dreambodin2011 Posts: 166 Member
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    why tiptoe around him....? Your hubby needs to lighten up and I'd recommend he take it as a joke - it's all in the way you choose to interpret. JOke with this guy - he's probably doing it himself cos he knows how passionate your hubby truly is.

    If he says what is perceived to be rude in the future...I'd be asking him to "Please explain" why would you say something like that?

    Be in his face...like he is in yours. He needs some boundaries set cos he clearly doesn't know them yet.

    Otherwise, perhaps you or hubby could take him out for a drink and let him know how he's words are being interpreted. He may have no clue.

    Good luck - arghhh families!!!
  • dakotababy
    dakotababy Posts: 2,406 Member
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    Eww. I have a "brother-in-law" who sounds a lot like this...very critical of EVERYTHING. Has an opinion on EVERYTHING. I was sharing how I was buying a new Jeep and I just knew this guy was going to say something negative about the jeep wrangler...and sure enough, he spoke up right away about how "small" they are.

    The guy is a total jerk, newly divorced (not surprised)...i was actually shocked that someone would even marry the guy and put up with his crap. I see guys like this to be totally insecure. You and your husband should start talking to him about HIS car...does he even have one?
  • lynda3y9
    lynda3y9 Posts: 62 Member
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    I think you should start calling him out on his comments, but in a light hearted way. Then you can tell if he is really a jerk or is just clueless. I actually like the "what exactly do you have against my car?" question. For the restaurant situation, I would have said, "well, when you're paying, we'll let you choose" or "I see it hasn't stopped you from enjoying the free food." Otherwise, the situation between him and your husband is just going to get worse. The man needs to know his snarkiness will not be tolerated.

    Another approach would be to get very serious and ask him "why would you bring that up when you know my parents are trying to honor you?" And "why do you continue to insult my car when you know it is my pride and joy?"

    Either way, he needs to be confronted while you remain cool and calm about it.

    like it! good answer

    he likely is unaware of how insensitive he is being and 'calling' him on it...whether in jest of 'what do you mean...' a couple times will put the uncomfortable shoe on HIS foot .....should work and maybe teach him a social behavior lesson at the same time.

    Don't let it ruin your family gatherings though. we have a couple relatives that are like that (don't we all) - just have to try to limit the conversations between the ones that are really annoying :-)
  • Babsvii
    Babsvii Posts: 177 Member
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    some people are just idiots... you are going to have to find away to just ignore his insults and move on... I happen to love the choice in car your husband has as i own a 350z as well and love it.... funny story my boyfriends uncle was going to buy my car cause i need a truck more then a car but he didnt end up buying it and bought a BMW to this day when we pull up next to his car my car looks wayyyy nicer then his and we always laugh about how stupid his uncle was for not buying my car and getting the BMW LOL I think your husband needs to just realize he made a good choice and he loves his car and this other guy has no idea what hes talking about. Be proud of the choices you make and dont let what others think bother you.