HELP! Should I date three more??
Replies
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You sound a bit immature to get married. If you're basing your decision of whether to get married on some "studies" do your BF a favour and break up with him and do some dating.0
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Warning Signs of Abusive Relationships
EXTREME JEALOUSY
Jealousy is a sign of insecurity and lack of trust, but the abuser will say that it is a sign of love. The abuser will question the victim about who they talk to, accuse them of flirting, or be jealous of time spent with their friends, family, or children. The abuser may refuse to let the victim work or go to school for fear of meeting someone else. The abuser may call the victim frequently or drop by unexpectedly. The abuser may accuse the victim of flirting with someone else or having an affair.
Check - But it's so adorable - it means he CARES for me!
CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR
One partner completely rules the relationship and makes the decisions. This includes “checking up” on the victim, timing a victim when they leave the house, checking the odometer on the car, questioning the victim about where they go. They may also check the victim’s cell phone for call history, their email or website history. The abuser may control the finances and tries to tell the victim how to dress, who to talk to, and where to go.
Check - but it means he cares and loves me!
QUICK INVOLVEMENT
The abuser comes on strong at the beginning of the relationship, pressuring for a commitment and claims “Love at first sight” or “You’re the only person I could ever talk to”, or “I never met anyone like you before”. Often, in the beginning of a relationship, the abuser is very charming and romantic and the love is intense.
Check - move away with me and let's get married. Who cares if it's only been 2 months?
UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
Abusers expect their partners to meet all their needs and be “perfect”. They may say things like “If you love me, then I’m all you need”.
Not enough info from OP, but I suspect you can check this one off the list also.
ISOLATION
The abuser tries to keep the victim from friends and family by putting down everyone the victim knows, including their family and friends. They may keep the victim from going to work or school.
Check - move away with me, away from your family, friends, job, etc
BLAMES OTHERS FOR THEIR PROBLEMS AND FEELINGS
The abuser does not take responsibility for their problems, blaming others (usually the victim) for almost everything (“you made me mad”).
HYPERSENSITIVITY
An abuser is easily insulted and takes everything as a personal attack and blows things out of proportion.
CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN
The abuser may punish animals brutally or be insensitive to their pain. They may have unfair expectations of children or tease them until they cry.
“PLAYFUL” USE OF FORCE IN SEX
The abuser may throw or hold their partner down during sex, may pressure their partner into having sex, may demand sex when their partner is tired or ill or doesn’t want to have sex. They may ask the victim to do things they do not want to do.
VERBAL ABUSE
The abuser says cruel and harmful things to their victim, degrades them, curses at them, calls them names, or puts down their accomplishments. The abuser tells their victims they are stupid, and unable to function without them. They embarrass and put down the victim in front of others as well.
RIGID SEX ROLES
The abuser believes in rigid gender roles and sees women as inferior to men and unable to have their own identity. They may see men as the “master of his castle”.
DR. JECKYL AND MR. HYDE
The abuser experiences severe mood swings and the victim may think the abuser has a mental health problem. One minute they can be charming and sweet and the next minute they become angry and explosive. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who beat their partners.
PAST BATTERING
The abuser has a history of past battering of partners and although they may admit to that, they say their previous partner provoked them to do it. A batterer will beat any partner they are with if the person is with them long enough for the violence to begin; situational circumstances do not cause a person to have an abusive relationship.
THREATS OF VIOLENCE
This includes any threat or physical force meant to control the victim: “I’ll kill you”, “I’ll break your neck”, “If you ever leave, I’ll kill you.”
BREAKING OR STRIKING OBJECTS
This behavior is used as a punishment (breaking treasured possessions), but is mostly used to terrorize the victim into submission. The abuser may break or strike objects near the victim to frighten them.
ANY FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT
The abuser may hold the victim down, restrain them from leaving the room, may push, shove, or hold them against a wall.
HEY, only 5 out of 15 indicator of an abusive relationship. Yep, he's a real keeper.
^ Don't listen to this. It sounds to me like someone is jealous of the special relationship you have found.0 -
12??? 12??? I thought the magic number was 42!!!!!!!!!
Well 42 is the answer to the universe.
Actually, it is the answer to Life, The Universe, and Everything. :laugh:0 -
Chris is going to be a controlling nut.....I sense that jealousy will stop being cute soon. Don't believe everything you read about finding 12 dates.....also it sounds like you are willing to just settle with Chris. If you're still looking for your soulmate then you have to realize that it isn't Chris. When will you know when you've found your soulmate? Your heart will tell you! I wish you the best of luck and don't let science overrule common sense and good judgement!0
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12??? 12??? I thought the magic number was 42!!!!!!!!!
Well, technically 42 is the answer to the meaning of life
glad I wasn't the only one that got the reference0 -
That depends on a few things."That's not your clock ticking, that's just your stomach growling" made me laugh!! Haha, thank you for this, and for your positive contribution to my situation!:flowerforyou:
Maybe I should move with Chris and still live separately. Anyone want to weigh in on that idea?
Is the relationship at a point where you feel that this might be 'the one', and moving will allow you to be near him?
If you don't move, will you be able to trust him?
Is it worth moving because of a relationship and leaving your current family/friends/work/social life/city?
Can you afford to move to another city and stay independant (i.e. you won't have to move in with him because of finances).
I'm still saying he has red flags (and while I know you may be potentially brushing off all our comments, please take a further look into controlling and/or abusive relationships, if anything so that you're armed with more knowledge for the future), and it's a serious commitment to YOURSELF to pick up and move to a different city, let alone the relationship.
If you're serious about this, then there's another pro/con list you're going to have to make up for moving, but if you're determined to stay with him, then at least living on your own is a good thing. While I didn't move for a relationship (but for a job), it's hard not being far away from friends/family/familiar territory.
At this point I am not really worried about trusting Chris, I think we're good in that department. Yes, the controlling stuff I am thinking about, not just brushing off, but honestly, he doesn't do it in a creepy way, but more in an interested way.
Doesn't someone who cares about another person naturally want to know the things they're doing and what is happening in their lives?
This is how it starts. It's cute. But the second they think they've got you, and they don't like what they hear or see, you will be verbally destroyed. And maybe only verbally if you're lucky.0 -
I broke up with my boyfriend Simon a few months ago because one of his friends (Chris) told me Simon might be cheating. I couldn't prove it, but of course I broke up with Simon because it isn't worth it to me to stay in a relationship where I can't trust someone. :ohwell:
After a few weeks, Chris and I randomly started dating, so now me and him are together and have been for two months. It's great because I know I can trust him. My ex never checked up on me, but Chris is interested in who I was talking to on the phone or who is PMing me here or he just calls me to see where I am and what I'm doing at different points during the day.
Sometimes he gets jealous of other guys flirting with me. He really cares and it's adorable.
The problem is that even though we have been together two whole months, he has to move for his job and wants me to go with him. He wants to get married. I'm 26 and my biological clock is ticking, so I'm not totally against it. Add to that the fact that my ex is calling me lately saying he wants to work things out so obviously I really need to get out of the San Diego area.
Did you try to work things out with Simon, or did you just break him up because of what someone else (who then found an interest in dating you) said?
Right now you might find his "checking up on you" thing adorable, but for me it'd be a HUGE ALERT for an abusive relationship. Next thing he'll want your passwords, he won't like you spending time with other friends and relatives, and you'll end up isolated from everybody else.
Please, DO NOT get yourself into a relationship like that! You're going to have the toughest time getting out of it, if you ever come to realize you're in an abusive relationship. That's how this guy's manipulation works. You know, Simon probably did care a lot about you, and just because he didn't want to know where you were every minute of the day, or who did you talk to, doesn't mean he was careless. He probably trusted you more than you trusted him.0 -
That depends on a few things."That's not your clock ticking, that's just your stomach growling" made me laugh!! Haha, thank you for this, and for your positive contribution to my situation!:flowerforyou:
Maybe I should move with Chris and still live separately. Anyone want to weigh in on that idea?
Is the relationship at a point where you feel that this might be 'the one', and moving will allow you to be near him?
If you don't move, will you be able to trust him?
Is it worth moving because of a relationship and leaving your current family/friends/work/social life/city?
Can you afford to move to another city and stay independant (i.e. you won't have to move in with him because of finances).
I'm still saying he has red flags (and while I know you may be potentially brushing off all our comments, please take a further look into controlling and/or abusive relationships, if anything so that you're armed with more knowledge for the future), and it's a serious commitment to YOURSELF to pick up and move to a different city, let alone the relationship.
If you're serious about this, then there's another pro/con list you're going to have to make up for moving, but if you're determined to stay with him, then at least living on your own is a good thing. While I didn't move for a relationship (but for a job), it's hard not being far away from friends/family/familiar territory.
At this point I am not really worried about trusting Chris, I think we're good in that department. Yes, the controlling stuff I am thinking about, not just brushing off, but honestly, he doesn't do it in a creepy way, but more in an interested way.
Doesn't someone who cares about another person naturally want to know the things they're doing and what is happening in their lives?
There is a difference between being interested in what's going on in your life and asking who you are talking to, PMing, etc. If you say "just a friend" does he push for more information or let it drop?0 -
Let me get this straight.
You say you have trust issues, but you're trusting the one person (Chris) who told you your boyfriend (Simon) was cheating though you couldn't prove it and Chris has the most to gain from that situation, seeing as how you're now dating him. And you now want to move in with him.
Your family and friends don't like him and like Simon better, and you discount their advice. These people who love you and have known you WAY WAY longer than Chris or Simon.
Your biological clock is ticking at the ripe age of 26. 2-6.
Your interpretation of love and protection is someone who constantly checks up on you to verify that you aren't doing something shady. Because Simon, who didn't feel the need to check up on you and who didn't pester you about this stuff was obviously the shady one.
You are still considering dating 3 other people based on a magazine article. You may not have come up with the number yourself, but you have wholly committed to the idea that this is the ideal and only way to really "know" if you're with the right person.
That about right? Yeah?
Just a question: What are you afraid of, exactly? You seem to be leaping from person to person and taking advice from someone (Chris) who only seemed to validate your fears of being cheated on (based on your trust issues) and even though you are considering living with him, are asking a bunch of strangers who don't know you, if you should date 3 other people?
And by the way, two months is a drop in the bucket. ANYONE can behave (even though Chris doesn't even seem to be doing that) well for 60 freaking days. Can't you?
How does any of this add up to a scientifically sound, logical argument? You say you're scientific, but out of all the posts I've seen you respond to, it seems you're really looking for validation, not evidence counter to what you've decided is "right".
I think you have a lot of deep issues that are going to require some serious self-evaluation and therapy.
EDIT: And btw, you know, most people make assumptions about other people based on how THEY themselves would behave or act. For example, if I interpret someone else's behavior as possibly shady, it's because if *I* were in that situation, *I* would have shady intentions. Do you think perhaps maybe Chris might be doing the same? Or does he just have the same trust issues that you have, and you both are just feeding into one another?0 -
OK, mfpeeps. I have issues. I broke up with my boyfriend Simon a few months ago because one of his friends (Chris) told me Simon might be cheating. I couldn't prove it, but of course I broke up with Simon because it isn't worth it to me to stay in a relationship where I can't trust someone. :ohwell:
After a few weeks, Chris and I randomly started dating, so now me and him are together and have been for two months. It's great because I know I can trust him. My ex never checked up on me, but Chris is interested in who I was talking to on the phone or who is PMing me here or he just calls me to see where I am and what I'm doing at different points during the day. Sometimes he gets jealous of other guys flirting with me. He really cares and it's adorable.
The problem is that even though we have been together two whole months, he has to move for his job and wants me to go with him. He wants to get married. I'm 26 and my biological clock is ticking, so I'm not totally against it. Add to that the fact that my ex is calling me lately saying he wants to work things out so obviously I really need to get out of the San Diego area.
But I'm a really scientific person. That's why I tend to do badly in relationships. Anyway, studies show that you should date 12 people before you choose one to settle down with, and I've only dated 9. :noway: (I found that in Wired magazine, they are just great). I can't ask my family and friends because they are biased and really liked my ex and don't like Chris, but I need input. What do I do? Do I risk not dating three more people? What if I miss my soul mate? And what if Chris is the best man I'll ever know and I let him go? :sad: :sad:
I know the forums get snarky sometimes and I do have a sense of humor and inteligence, but I'm actually looking for real advice here, not rudeness. After all, we're all here for the same reasons. :flowerforyou:
Please dont breed.........................:bigsmile:0 -
If you have to ask the internet whether or not it would be a good idea, you probably should not marry Chris. I vote date more people, or still date Chris, just don't marry him, and don't move with him unless you want to move anyway and it makes it easier to go with someone else. :flowerforyou:0
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ABSOLUTELY NONE OF THIS HAS TO DO WITH WEIGHT LOSS SUPPORT. sheesh....0
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I'm so sick of all these people saying "relationships are hard work and you have to put in sweat equity everyday and it takes sacrifices by both parties blah blah blah".
Frankly, no they aren't. The more compromise and work you have to put into a relationship increases the likelihood that you probably picked the wrong person. Some people can make a relationship last by putting in effort everyday, but I just don't have the patience or endurance to fight daily for something to work out. My wife and I have an almost effortless relationship. It's seriously the easiest relationship we have ever been in because we don't have to struggle to make 2 unmatching pieces fit together. My parents have told me the same thing. If you are working hard to keep a relationship together, the relationship wasn't right to being with.
That being said, OP, you claim to be intelligent and "scientific", but absolutely nothing you've said in the thread has shown me anything close to intelligence or science. Because of this, I deem you to be a troll and will exit your chicanery with a humorous gif:
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sooo, you broke up with the last guy because you couldn't trust him, or believed you couldn't trust him (without any proof) and your new guy doesn't seem to trust you (or is "adorably jealous"/wants to know who you're talking to/messaging/etc)
In my opinion, you really need to stop worrying about biological clocks at 26 and this magic number with dating and figure out the real you, moving away for someone else or because of your ex, etc. Counseling or taking time to yourself to figure out what you want is truly the best way....maybe then you will find your true "soul mate" who will not question you or be jealous of little things. And, if you're on this website for the real reasons- weight loss (sometimes gain) and support with eating/exercise, etc put your energy towards that and a more secure and confident you.0 -
Ok, I'm just going to throw this out there as a thought...
Is it possible that Chris broke you up with Simon so he could have him for himself? Now he's controlling you to make sure you don't find out the truth?0 -
That depends on a few things."That's not your clock ticking, that's just your stomach growling" made me laugh!! Haha, thank you for this, and for your positive contribution to my situation!:flowerforyou:
Maybe I should move with Chris and still live separately. Anyone want to weigh in on that idea?
Is the relationship at a point where you feel that this might be 'the one', and moving will allow you to be near him?
If you don't move, will you be able to trust him?
Is it worth moving because of a relationship and leaving your current family/friends/work/social life/city?
Can you afford to move to another city and stay independant (i.e. you won't have to move in with him because of finances).
I'm still saying he has red flags (and while I know you may be potentially brushing off all our comments, please take a further look into controlling and/or abusive relationships, if anything so that you're armed with more knowledge for the future), and it's a serious commitment to YOURSELF to pick up and move to a different city, let alone the relationship.
If you're serious about this, then there's another pro/con list you're going to have to make up for moving, but if you're determined to stay with him, then at least living on your own is a good thing. While I didn't move for a relationship (but for a job), it's hard not being far away from friends/family/familiar territory.
At this point I am not really worried about trusting Chris, I think we're good in that department. Yes, the controlling stuff I am thinking about, not just brushing off, but honestly, he doesn't do it in a creepy way, but more in an interested way.
Doesn't someone who cares about another person naturally want to know the things they're doing and what is happening in their lives?
This is how it starts. It's cute. But the second they think they've got you, and they don't like what they hear or see, you will be verbally destroyed. And maybe only verbally if you're lucky.
Okay so, genuine question: where do you draw the line? If someone is interested in all the details about your life, how do you know if that's good or bad? Obviously if someone shows no interest, that's not good, but where's that divider?0 -
OK, mfpeeps. I have issues. I broke up with my boyfriend Simon a few months ago because one of his friends (Chris) told me Simon might be cheating. I couldn't prove it, but of course I broke up with Simon because it isn't worth it to me to stay in a relationship where I can't trust someone. :ohwell:
After a few weeks, Chris and I randomly started dating, so now me and him are together and have been for two months. It's great because I know I can trust him. My ex never checked up on me, but Chris is interested in who I was talking to on the phone or who is PMing me here or he just calls me to see where I am and what I'm doing at different points during the day. Sometimes he gets jealous of other guys flirting with me. He really cares and it's adorable.
The problem is that even though we have been together two whole months, he has to move for his job and wants me to go with him. He wants to get married. I'm 26 and my biological clock is ticking, so I'm not totally against it. Add to that the fact that my ex is calling me lately saying he wants to work things out so obviously I really need to get out of the San Diego area.
But I'm a really scientific person. That's why I tend to do badly in relationships. Anyway, studies show that you should date 12 people before you choose one to settle down with, and I've only dated 9. :noway: (I found that in Wired magazine, they are just great). I can't ask my family and friends because they are biased and really liked my ex and don't like Chris, but I need input. What do I do? Do I risk not dating three more people? What if I miss my soul mate? And what if Chris is the best man I'll ever know and I let him go? :sad: :sad:
I know the forums get snarky sometimes and I do have a sense of humor and inteligence, but I'm actually looking for real advice here, not rudeness. After all, we're all here for the same reasons. :flowerforyou:
Please dont breed.........................:bigsmile:
Aw, that wasn't very nice.... :frown:0 -
Sure, and so when I talk to them, I tell them what's going on, but the way you phrased it is like he's sayng "Hey honey, who is calling you now?" "Hey honey, what's that text message about?", that's invasive. You are a person and should have some degree of privacy, and shouldn't have to tell him everything, especially when it's just day to day chatter. And he calls to see where you are... ehhhh if he called to say hi, because he misses you, I'd rack that up to being the newbie-relationship glow. But where you are? You said Simon never 'never checked up on me', why? Are you 5? You shouldn't need to be checked up on, unless he's suspicious of you doing something.At this point I am not really worried about trusting Chris, I think we're good in that department. Yes, the controlling stuff I am thinking about, not just brushing off, but honestly, he doesn't do it in a creepy way, but more in an interested way.
Doesn't someone who cares about another person naturally want to know the things they're doing and what is happening in their lives?
BTW, if you guys don't have any trust issues, then why haven't you told him Simon is calling you, and you tell him to kiss off? If he wants to know what's going on, and it's enough to be on the pro list for moving, then I'd say that's something going on in your life.0 -
Troll level 10/10. Should change her name to Dr. James Russels.0
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I said I checked and found no proof. That doesn't mean it didn't happen, it means he just didn't leave tracks. OR maybe he was totally innocent, again, I can't be sure. But that's why I had to break up with him: I couldn't be sure and the not knowing was really killing me.
Ironic that you didn't need any proof to dump Simon for Chris, but in the face of evidence that Chris is a control freak and potential abuser, you insist on being with him.
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I don't insist on being with him. That's the purpose of this thread. To get opinions from people who actually are trying to be helpful and who I appreciate. I'm just weighing my options, but of COURSE I am upset that people are assuming the worst about Chris. Frankly, I think I'm doing a good job of being reasonable here because so many people are saying he's going to abuse me, and I'm not seeing that. I could fly off the handle and get mad about that but I am ignoring the negative responses because I am actually looking for help. Not just trying to pick a fight.
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Denial and acquiescence are "must-haves" in an abusive realtionship.0 -
Please dont breed.........................:bigsmile:
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:flowerforyou:0 -
Being "scientific" includes looking at details analytically. Taking information from a magazine at face value is NOT scientific. Allowing a man who wants to bang you to cast doubts about your boyfriend so extensively that you dump him to date the new guy is NOT scientific. I suppose an internet poll can be quasi-science...in this case all of the data you are gathering is telling you that Chris's controlling behavior is an indicator of bigger problems and that you should not move away with him. If you still think it's cute regardless of these results than my hypothesis is that the real issue here is one of global IQ.0
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ABSOLUTELY NONE OF THIS HAS TO DO WITH WEIGHT LOSS SUPPORT. sheesh....
I never said it did.
I see that you are new here, or you'd know people ask for relationship advice all the time on MFP.0 -
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Aw, that wasn't very nice.... :frown:
Says the woman who attacked someone yesterday for having miscarriages.0 -
Ok, I'm just going to throw this out there as a thought...
Is it possible that Chris broke you up with Simon so he could have him for himself? Now he's controlling you to make sure you don't find out the truth?
Oh SNAP....really Chris and Simon are closet lovers? That makes absolute perfect sense!!!!!
OP, check and see if Simon has "plans" to move out in the same area Chris is! This screams truth to me!0 -
None of the above. If the new guy is showing this much "interest" in who you are talking to etc. after just two months chances are that he will turn into a crazy possessive a-hole. I know you think it is cute right now but it wont be (yes, I'm speaking from experience). I would run, not walk, away from this one as fast as you can!0
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Don't get wrapped up in stupid magazine rules, I've never read whatever magazine you're going on about but I imagine it being something along the lines of cosmo and their stupid relationship rules. If you feel like you need to go date 3 more dudes to make sure you wana marry this guy then you're obviously not ready.
ALSO I think the new bf lied to you to break you and the old bf up.0 -
Biological clock is ticking? You're 26! This is why people think some women are crazy. Stop giving the rest of us a bad reputation!!! 0
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