Getting legally married before a deployment? Opinions?

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  • Rose_bee
    Rose_bee Posts: 226 Member
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    I knew after 6 months that my then-boyfriend was the one for me.

    But long-distance relationships are hard (I know this from experience).

    Long-distance relationships involving one person in the military risking life & limb on a daily basis? That's got to be a thousand times harder.

    Follow your heart, but don't forget to listen to your head along the way. Be honest with yourself about your maturity, and what you can handle and what you can't.
  • samanthajade124
    samanthajade124 Posts: 217 Member
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    I understand that ultimately it's our decision. I guess I should have known better than to post something that's contrary to what the majority of society agrees with. Silly me.

    OP, don't be overly sensitive... I don't think anyone here has said anything with any ill will towards you. You asked for opinions, and I think the majority of what people have written is very kind. Most of it isn't what you are wanting to hear -- you were really hoping to get the "Yes, do it!" answer - to help ease your worries and do what your fiancee wishes. Most of what I've read here has all been kind advice to help you look introspectively to get your answer. No one can make the decision for you -- we are here to try to raise issues you may not have thought of previously and to try to help you make the decision that only your heart can make. :flowerforyou:

    I know, not trying to be overly sensitive. My apologies. Like I said, I'm just a bit overwhelmed. I'm not looking to hear things that agree. I *am* trying to hear opinions and I truly appreciate the points that everyone has brought up. I guess it's just difficult to relay how our relationship is via a post. It's feelings that are indescribable and I'm more than certain that I love him and that we will be together and last. I just feel like my family will be happy for me (cause they approve of him, and know that I am genuinely happy) but maybe disappointed since they won't be there for the actual wedding. Either way, thank you to everyone who contributed their thoughts, opinions, and stories. :flowerforyou:
  • Troy_Boy1969
    Troy_Boy1969 Posts: 27
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    my opinion? divorced within 18 months

    This! Are you ready for that?
  • MercenaryNoetic26
    MercenaryNoetic26 Posts: 2,747 Member
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    Ok normally I would never chime in on anythign having to do with relationships.. but in this case you're also talking fast marriage and military.

    I used to be in the Army, I have deployed and I have trained all over the world.

    While I understand his concern for you, I think you guys are going about it completely wrong.
    He's in the Air Force.. the chances of him seeing combat are VERY low. So low that he's more likely to get killed in the states than over there.

    Secondly, Air Force deployments are short. 3-6 months. That's nothing.

    It must be his first deployment, because thats when people get the most nervous and tend to overreact to the situation, planning for the worst. Now dont get me wrong.. planning is important. But he needs to relax a little.
    If you guys truly are in love than it can wait for his return.

    Forcing a marriage due to a small deployment to a NON-combat zone doesnt make sense.

    If you love him and he loves you, it wont change between now and then.
    Furthermore.. the time apart will give you a chance to see if its for real.
    7 months is NOT a long time, so 6 months of seperation will let you see if its for real.

    This is of course.. just my opinion.

    But in my tenure Ive seen hundreds of military marriages go south. Most were rushed, young and didnt understand what they were getting themselves into.
    Be sure.. Being a military wife is a lifestyle. Its not for everyone.

    Best of Luck

    This is definitely the best answer. Forget what I said previously. Listen to someone who KNOWS!
  • likitisplit
    likitisplit Posts: 9,420 Member
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    I was reading your original post again. If you were to remove the financial reasons, the one that stuck out to me was being notified directly and being in control of medical decisions. Before deployment, he can go to JAG or any attorney and make you his Power of Attorney and Healthcare Power of Attorney. Both would leave you in charge of all his financial dealings and medical decisions until revoked.

    (Just FYI)

    Right! This is one of the other options you could try.
  • samanthajade124
    samanthajade124 Posts: 217 Member
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    Thanks! That was one of the main points he stressed...but apparently he didn't do all his research! :P
  • srey0701
    srey0701 Posts: 196 Member
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    Being married to someone in the military isn't easy. I've seen your situation happen, and the couple ends up getting divorced in a matter of a year or two. How do you know that you could handle him being away? I recommend that you wait until after he gets back to get married. If you are young, that just adds to the reason why you shouldn't. Not a good idea.
  • RGv2
    RGv2 Posts: 5,789 Member
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    I was reading your original post again. If you were to remove the financial reasons, the one that stuck out to me was being notified directly and being in control of medical decisions. Before deployment, he can go to JAG or any attorney and make you his Power of Attorney and Healthcare Power of Attorney. Both would leave you in charge of all his financial dealings and medical decisions until revoked.

    (Just FYI)

    This is true as well. It's actually part of the required pre-deployment.
  • DrCaspianDoll
    DrCaspianDoll Posts: 87 Member
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    Sounds like you are both manipulating each other and using the system. Disgusting.
  • HealthWoke0ish
    HealthWoke0ish Posts: 2,078 Member
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    my opinion? divorced within 18 months
    I think my one piece of advice is this: If he weren't deploying, would you marry him this very moment, or would you want to wait a while longer?

    Financial security in the short run isn't worth a possible divorce in the future. Divorces hurt both people deeply, no matter who wants it or for what reasons. I speak from experience, being the one who left a husband for good reasons, but the one who was hurt the deepest.

    I wish you all the best in your decision!!!

    I agree with this piece of advice. Three of the attorneys in my firm practice family law and I can tell you two things: Divorce is usually terrible (so I agree with the above poster that you really should consider the possibility and factor that into your decision-making), and deployment (and even just military membership) is very, very tough on relationships...especially relatively new ones.

    Either way...best of luck to you.
  • RGv2
    RGv2 Posts: 5,789 Member
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    I used to be in the Army, I have deployed and I have trained all over the world.

    While I understand his concern for you, I think you guys are going about it completely wrong.
    He's in the Air Force.. the chances of him seeing combat are VERY low. So low that he's more likely to get killed in the states than over there.

    Secondly, Air Force deployments are short. 3-6 months. That's nothing.

    The points that I was trying to make. :bigsmile:
  • skinnybearlyndsay
    skinnybearlyndsay Posts: 798 Member
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    You may have known him 7 months but if you have only been in a relationship for 2 months so it sounds like you're rushing into the marriage for the benefits!

    Really? My parents were married less than a year after they met...and are STILL together, even with my dad's PTSD and other assorted issues. I got engaged to my fiance after 4 months...I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him as soon as we both got serious (5th date..after 5 weeks). Every one's relationship is different and generalizing all of them doesn't help.

    OP - If you really, truly love him, don't want anyone else for the rest of your life, want children with him, and are prepared to help him through adjusting when he comes back and all of life's other curve balls, then there's your answer. :) I find it romantic that he wants to provide for you, even while he's overseas. Best of luck to you both!
  • Jtorres326
    Jtorres326 Posts: 157 Member
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    If I had 10 bucks for every military person I know got married for all the reasons you listed and then was either cheated on or divorced by the time they came back, i'd be a thousandaire (hey I don't know THAT many military people)

    I'm not trying to insult or question your commit to your relationship. You are setting yourself up for a bad time. Trust me. These kinds of marriages are stressful, unfulfilling, and often end very ugly-more so than normal. I've seen it before. But ultimately, it's your decision and strangers on the internet aren't going to sway you

    Good luck!
  • LuckyLeprechaun
    LuckyLeprechaun Posts: 6,296 Member
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    I got married without anyone there. None of my family got to see it.

    I don't regret WHO I married, but I do regret missing out on the chance to include my family. A lot.


    My advice would be to go get the POA that was mentioned, get engaged, and then when deployment is over, plan a wedding that includes your family.
  • Bikini27
    Bikini27 Posts: 1,298 Member
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    Ok normally I would never chime in on anythign having to do with relationships.. but in this case you're also talking fast marriage and military.

    I used to be in the Army, I have deployed and I have trained all over the world.

    While I understand his concern for you, I think you guys are going about it completely wrong.
    He's in the Air Force.. the chances of him seeing combat are VERY low. So low that he's more likely to get killed in the states than over there.

    Secondly, Air Force deployments are short. 3-6 months. That's nothing.

    It must be his first deployment, because thats when people get the most nervous and tend to overreact to the situation, planning for the worst. Now dont get me wrong.. planning is important. But he needs to relax a little.
    If you guys truly are in love than it can wait for his return.

    Forcing a marriage due to a small deployment to a NON-combat zone doesnt make sense.

    If you love him and he loves you, it wont change between now and then.
    Furthermore.. the time apart will give you a chance to see if its for real.
    7 months is NOT a long time, so 6 months of seperation will let you see if its for real.

    This is of course.. just my opinion.

    But in my tenure Ive seen hundreds of military marriages go south. Most were rushed, young and didnt understand what they were getting themselves into.
    Be sure.. Being a military wife is a lifestyle. Its not for everyone.

    Best of Luck

    This.

    And I wouldn't wish divorce on my worst enemy.

    Wait until he gets back, sweetie. Get engaged, take the time to plan, have a great wedding next spring.
  • VanessaGS
    VanessaGS Posts: 514 Member
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    Only you know the relationship so you do what's best, but just remember you will be away from him for a long time. It has to be something ya'll are both absolutely ready for. I've known my boyfriend for 4 1/2 years now and if he had asked me to marry him at 7 months I would have said no. It took me almost 3 years to realize he's the one. I learned all his pros and cons though first. It takes a long time to really get to know someone so just be sure it's what you want.
  • 5n0wbal1
    5n0wbal1 Posts: 429 Member
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    I never really believed the saying "you'll know when you feel it" in regards to knowing when you found the person you're supposed to be with. But I feel it. I am in love. I really don't see divorce happening. (But because him and I have excellent communication, we've discussed pros and cons of tons of different outcomes, including divorce, if ever need be)

    I should also add, if we do get married before the deployment, it's not going to be a secret. Our families will know. We're not going to try to "fake" a second wedding or anything shady like that. We both greatly believe in honesty.

    Just be careful. Most women who get into marriages exactly like yours didn't see divorce happening; otherwise, they wouldn't have gotten into them.

    I believed I was truly in love with my first fiance. I wasn't though, and I'm glad we didn't get married.

    If you wait until after his deployment, there isn't really anything you're sacrificing other than practical benefits, and you'll gain so much from waiting. It's hard for newlyweds to spend so much time away from each other early on, so if you last during this time without being married, your marriage is set for life.
  • likitisplit
    likitisplit Posts: 9,420 Member
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    Sounds like you are both manipulating each other and using the system. Disgusting.

    My husband got his green card based on our marriage. We've been married for 14 years and have two kids together. Love was *the* reason we got married, but we might have waited a little longer to tie the knot if the green card wasn't a factor. I'm not sure waiting would have changed anything.
  • likitisplit
    likitisplit Posts: 9,420 Member
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    I got married without anyone there. None of my family got to see it.

    I don't regret WHO I married, but I do regret missing out on the chance to include my family. A lot.


    My advice would be to go get the POA that was mentioned, get engaged, and then when deployment is over, plan a wedding that includes your family.

    ^^^This too.
  • kacdragon
    kacdragon Posts: 21 Member
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    One of the comments is that only you two can know the right answer for your situation. They are right... trust your heart. Know that marriage is not easy or a quick fix to anything. It is not a matter of how long you know each other, but how well... and how much you are willing to work and forgive as well as love... This is my love story... I hope it helps you make up your mind.

    I meet my husband on a blind date on the 7th of July--2nd try because his friend got lost the first time on 4th of July. Both were in the Navy. I was not dating any one special, so my girlfriend asked me for a favor. This blind date guy and I were thrown together many times over the next two weeks, because our friends were in lust... but he hardly talked. He seemed to barely tolerate me, he was so quiet. But I knew it would only be for a couple of months at most. He was deploying to Antarctica for 13 months and was leaving to see his family the end of August.

    Then I was in a car accident and needed a ride to work for a week--35 miles one way! He offered to take me and pick me up. This guy I had only known for two weeks was the most reliable person I had ever meet. He was never late; he never expected anything for his time; he never asked for a thing... He kept his promise, kept his commitment, and was just there. And we talked... A LOT! Spent time together. Really got to know what the other person was all about... Fell in "like" almost immediately.

    So what happened? We got married five weeks later in a small (count 20 in attendance) religious ceremony with only a couple of my family and his friends... And then realized how lucky we were. We celebrate our 36th anniversary this August.

    Has it been hard? Of course! We spent almost 14 years apart in a 30 year Navy career. We raised our children and several other people's as well. We have had financial issues and health issues at least a few times a long the line. We have not always seen eye to eye, and had some terrible arguments.

    BUT the best moments of my life have also been with him. Little things have made our life together wonderful. Life is not a bowl of cherries, but I wouldn't want to do share mine with any other man... Oh... and that big ceremony every girl dreams of??? We are renewing our vows with all our friends, our children and our grandchildren with us for our 40th Anniversary! Now that is something to celebrate!

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