Absence Before Marriage

I believe that the concept of "virginity" comes from a very harmful place and I'm totally against the whole abstinence thing, but I understand that there are people who conceptualize it differently than I do.

How is the concept of virginity coming from a harmful place? I just want to understand as I can't figure that out at all...

It comes from a very patriarchal system that places value on women based on their sexual inexperience and turns female sexuality into a service (or, more romantically referred to as a "gift") rendered for males, essentially negating it as something worthwhile for the female. In addition to that, it's cis-het specific. What is the homosexual equivalent for losing one's virginity? Are all homosexuals virgins? (They don't think so.) There's also the whole issue of the concept of sexual economy, but I don't really want to get into that right now.

I just think it's twisted. When you first have sex, do you lose something ("virginity") or do you gain something (an experience)?

I know for me, at least, I didn't lose anything.

There's a lot of emphasis on sexual compatibility. Sure, you will probably have issues if you have drastically different sexual preferences. But how can you say that "sex is a huge part of a relationship" while also saying sex is not "special"? I guess it just depends on the purpose of sex in your relationship. Sex bonds people together. Sex creates life. What about relationships in which one or both parties is physically unable to have sex, either regularly or at all?

I'm just asking these questions because I've always been curious as to why sex seems like either a big deal, or not that important at all. Help me understand, people. LOL.

Eating is a huge part of life. You wouldn't be able to survive without eating. But it's not special. Everybody eats. It's a huge but normal part of life. It is so important that it is completely not special or unique.

The same goes for sleeping, washing yourself, and being sexual.

Would not date. Best for everyone involved. Find someone who shares values and things will work out better.

I believe that the concept of "virginity" comes from a very harmful place and I'm totally against the whole abstinence thing, but I understand that there are people who conceptualize it differently than I do.

How is the concept of virginity coming from a harmful place? I just want to understand as I can't figure that out at all...

It's like selling a car on the basis of being straight from the factory or with a couple of previous owners.

That is the macro cosmic level.

Macro cosmic... lolcats

im sure this has been said, but abstinence happens AFTER marriage.

how sad

I don't think that sex is morally wrong, and I feel sorry for people who do.

Why would you "feel sorry for" someone who believes sex outside of marriage is morally wrong?

I don't think that the meaning of life, if any, is that the person who denies themselves the most pleasure wins at the end.

First, it sounds sad that you're not sure if there is a meanging of life at all. Secondly, denying ourselves certain pleasures is about more than just trying to win a game in the end.

This. I am the one sorry for you, because you have doubts about the meaning of life. Really. Not being rude at all. That's a sad thing for me to imagine. I certainly hope you find direction and something to believe in and hope for one day. It's brought me so much joy, that I wish everyone can have the chance to experience it.

But I digress. Getting back to OP's question, yes, I think it's extremely important to wait until marriage. I'm not judging anyone who does differently, (because I didn't always believe this) but I believe sex is meant to be the ultimate expression of love and shouldn't be passed around like free candy. Sex is very emotionally binding, and if you bind yourself to someone you're not married to, it can cause the most awful pain and emotional scarring when you pull apart. I speak from personal experiences, here.

Neither my husband or I were virgins when we got married, but we abstained from each other until the wedding night. We have had no problems, in terms of satisfaction and compatibility.

I think if a couple are mature enough to communicate their expectations in the bedroom to each other before marriage, there is no need to try each other out to "see if you are compatible". Marriage is always about compromising and learning to give and take, and it shouldn't be any different with sex, IMO. To those who express a need to "test drive the car" before buying--you all know how much the value of a car plummets the minute it's driven off the lot, right? I feel that sex is no different. It's cheapened if you give it out before marriage.

To those who express a need to "test drive the car" before buying--you all know how much the value of a car plummets the minute it's driven off the lot, right? I feel that sex is no different. It's cheapened if you give it out before marriage.

Nice to think of women in terms of resale value.


Which is exactly where the concept of virginity/being non shop soiled came from. Buying and selling women and girls.

Ugh. Out. No thanks. Never. If someone is that religious that they won't do it before marriage, I don't want to date them because we obviously would not be compatible.

It's not always a religious thing sometimes it's as simple as a personal prefrence. To assume it's always a religious thing is just silly.

I have yet to meet someone who did the whole...waiting till marriage thing that wasn't religious. It's always "god's will" or "as god intended" type stuff.

What people's thoughts were about abstinence from sex before marriage?

I wouldn't do it. I broke off an engagement as we were not sexually compatible.

Would you not date someone who pledged that life style? Too old fashioned?

Absolutely not. Sexual compatibility is a must!

@Squeakyjojo- I am so glad I'm not the only person disturbed by all the car analogies.

I'm not religious, and I have some pretty strong ideas about the "purity" concept as a way to control women. I read a lot of books including "The Purity Myth" by Jessica Valenti in my late teens which really influenced my feelings on the subject. I'm not a big fan of marriage generally either, so I think my stance on the subject is probably pretty clear. I wouldn't date anyone who believed in the necessity of abstinence before marriage because there would obviously be some incompatible core values there. Fortunately, though, I have the perfect man for me already.

To those who express a need to "test drive the car" before buying--you all know how much the value of a car plummets the minute it's driven off the lot, right? I feel that sex is no different. It's cheapened if you give it out before marriage.

Nice to think of women in terms of resale value.


Which is exactly where the concept of virginity/being non shop soiled came from. Buying and selling women and girls.

I didn't say just women. I fully mean this to apply to men, too.

So you're slut-shaming both men and women.......wonderful. :grumble:

I would agree with waiting until you are married. It's worth it. Even if someone has not waited until marriage there can still be restoration from past hurts. We have a very loving and forgiving God.:) I guess I'm just old fashion.