Absence Before Marriage

Hell no! I would not date anyone who was into abstinence. That may well be because I'm 46, divorced and am not planning on getting married again. Marriage might happen one day, but I'm not going to rush it. In the meantime, I plan on living, and sex is a healthy, natural part of a relationship. Luckily, my girlfriend agrees with me ;-)

I tell my children (a boy and 2 girls) that it is OK for them to have sex before they get married if they want to, although I do hope they wait at least until they are really sure they want to. I insist they use birth control! Abstinence-only sex education is the primary cause of unwanted pregnancy and abortions.

If you want to "save yourself" that's fine. Do what you want. But I'm probably never going to see abstinence as something virtuous or noble.

Well said!! I was raised by parents who taught abstinence and personally understand the consequences...

To those who express a need to "test drive the car" before buying--you all know how much the value of a car plummets the minute it's driven off the lot, right? I feel that sex is no different. It's cheapened if you give it out before marriage.

Nice to think of women in terms of resale value.


Which is exactly where the concept of virginity/being non shop soiled came from. Buying and selling women and girls.

I didn't say just women. I fully mean this to apply to men, too.

So you're slut-shaming both men and women.......wonderful. :grumble:

Thanks for the personal attack, but no. If you had bothered to read my original post without running your mouth first, you'd have seen that I specifically said I did NOT judge anyone for doing it differently. And seeing as neither my husband nor I were virgins when we married, I can't very well "slut-shame" (whatever that even means, anyway) anyone without calling myself a slut.

But yay for attacking people who believe differently from you! It's nice to know that it's not just Christians who do it! :flowerforyou: :noway:

Not attacking you. Just going by what you said. You said that sex before marriage cheapens, which sounds like you're saying that those who don't wait are cheap, which is another term for "slut". So don't get mad that I came to this conclusion based on your own words. If that's not what you meant, then you should have worded your post more carefully.

No, in this case I chose my words carefully and I do not wish to reword them. I said "cheapen" as in it cheapens the experience, not the person. If you were less defensive toward people who live different lifestyles you might not have jumped to such a harsh conclusion. I always do my best to not assume the worst of people, but hey, that's just me. You have a nice day, now.

Um, nothing in my past has cheapened the experiences I have with my husband. No experiences with my husband make me regret the past. Your arbitrary theories about sex aren't applicable to anyone outside of yourself.

Thanks for explaining it better than I would be able to. I don't think my experiences have cheapened the experience I now have with my fiance. Practice makes nearly perfect

What people's thoughts were about abstinence from sex before marriage?

I did not abstain from sex before marriage. I like sex.

Would you not date someone who pledged that life style? Too old fashioned?

My husband was a virgin when I married him. But we did elope after two weeks of dating....I don't think he wanted to wait any longer!

Or would you feel like that was an admirable thing to do?

I do not admire anyone for abstaining, but I do not judge them either. It's your choice.

In before the lock...

Sex in and of itself is not "morally wrong".

I believe God designed it as a special gift between a husband and wife.
It is the most intimate part of your relationship.

When you wait you are demonstrating a selfless type of love that says, I love you so much that I am willing to deny myself in order to do what is best for you and our marriage.
It is the highest level of respect you can give someone.

I don't see it as a restriction but rather as a protection from a loving God.
He wants the very best for people and knows that more and more of that special intimacy and trust will be lost with each subsequent sexual partner.

I believe this very much so. As a Christian, I waited to have sex before I became married. I do not think people should not marry someone just because they had sex before they were married. Grace comes from God for us to give to others.

Gotta test drive that car first, if the engine has too many miles on it just thank the salesman for the ride and move on to another vehicle.

Yeah, or once you do get married, if the car has problems shifting gears i guess you should just move on and get another car - one with an automatic transmission..?

I, personally, couldn't and didn't abstain before marriage. I have no opinions on people who do. I just hope the sex is good for them!

Being married for 5 years really makes you aware of the importance of sex in a relationship. It isn't just about denying yourself simple pleasures, but rather insight in to how well you relate to your partner. I know that when our sex life dwindles so does our relationship. If we didn't have that sexual compatibility we wouldn't have much of a marriage.

lol even my 90yr old grandma who will be married 70 years next year says that sex is important in a marriage. she may have waited (very different times then) but she has no issue with the fact that none of her many grandchildren waited

Sex in and of itself is not "morally wrong".

I believe God designed it as a special gift between a husband and wife.
It is the most intimate part of your relationship.

When you wait you are demonstrating a selfless type of love that says, I love you so much that I am willing to deny myself in order to do what is best for you and our marriage.
It is the highest level of respect you can give someone.

I don't see it as a restriction but rather as a protection from a loving God.


Amen! I TOTALLY agree.
He wants the very best for people and knows that more and more of that special intimacy and trust will be lost with each subsequent sexual partner.

So far I have seen no regret expressed by any who abstained before marriage.
Any dissenters?

Wow, confirmation bias much? Re-read the thread.

Quick question for the those who choose to abstain because sex is a gift from god and " more and more of that special intimacy and trust will be lost with each subsequent sexual partner" : what if someone who has been married before (and therefore had sex) gets remarried (say there first wife/ husband died) ??

Does this remarried lady/ man have less meaningful, special sex? One poster who said the above ^^^ does this mean if he/she chooses to get remarried their new marriage will have less trust and special intimacy - even if it is a christian / >insert religion of choice here< marriage?

To those who express a need to "test drive the car" before buying--you all know how much the value of a car plummets the minute it's driven off the lot, right? I feel that sex is no different. It's cheapened if you give it out before marriage.

Nice to think of women in terms of resale value.


Which is exactly where the concept of virginity/being non shop soiled came from. Buying and selling women and girls.

I didn't say just women. I fully mean this to apply to men, too.

So you're slut-shaming both men and women.......wonderful. :grumble:

Yeah, it's pretty low to compare your own body to a market commodity. Have some self respect. Your sexuality only deepens and enhances as you gain experience. Restricting that experience on the notion that you can "use up" your sexual value is a sick, twisted idea.

I was responding to the people who used the cars analogy, with another car analogy, to express how silly it is to think of people in terms of cars. It's cute how the analogy can be used to DEFEND anti-abstinence, but is ridiculed and attacked when it's put on the other foot and used to counter it, huh?

That's fair lets not get hung up on the analogy itself and look at the meaning that is actually being conveyed. In the first analogy where they say "test drive the car" they are trying to say that the reason they don't go the abstinence route is because they want to know what they are getting in to.

Now lets look at your analogy where you say "the car loses value the second it is driven off the lot." You are saying that the act of having sex cheapens a person. Yet somehow it doesn't cheapen the person if you are married? I can't say that makes sense to me personally because if sex cheapens a person then why would marriage magically change that. Either way for the sake of progressing the conversation we will just grant you that.

Lets look at what you are saying here. You are blatantly telling me that I am cheap because I had sex before marriage. You are telling me that my wife is cheap as well. Surely you don't have much respect for our marriage either since it was just a couple of cheap people getting together.

What you are saying comes across as very judgmental. You think you are better than me and my wife because you didn't have sex before you got married assuming you are married or you think you are better because you are still a virgin. I don't know if you realize that is what you are saying when you say we are cheapened but it is. When you say something is cheapened you are saying it has lost value. You haven't lost value and I have. I don't accept that as true.

What people's thoughts were about abstinence from sex before marriage?

Would you not date someone who pledged that life style? Too old fashioned?

Or would you feel like that was an admirable thing to do?

Our culture is different then it use to be around that topic, but since no one seems to talk about abstaining from it, I wanted to see what others thought.

I think of it as a gift before the person I choose to marry; but I know from experience several guys who are put off by the idea. Maybe I am old fashioned, but it's not like I go and tell others who choose not to go that way that what they're doing is wrong. It's their choice, this one has been mine.

I'm in the same boat. Although I just choose to go for people with the same values too make life easier for myself.

Being married for 5 years really makes you aware of the importance of sex in a relationship. It isn't just about denying yourself simple pleasures, but rather insight in to how well you relate to your partner. I know that when our sex life dwindles so does our relationship. If we didn't have that sexual compatibility we wouldn't have much of a marriage.

While I completely agree that sex is an important part of marriage, it certainly shouldn't define it. If not having it means your marriage is tanking, there are bigger issues. I've been married 18 years and never once thought that our marriage was in danger because we weren't having sex enough.

Oh, and to answer the OP...I didn't abstain before marriage, but my husband is the only man I've been with. You should do what you're comfortable with and not let anyone else define your moral compass.

Quick question for the those who choose to abstain because sex is a gift from god and " more and more of that special intimacy and trust will be lost with each subsequent sexual partner" : what if someone who has been married before (and therefore had sex) gets remarried (say there first wife/ husband died) ??

Does this remarried lady/ man have less meaningful, special sex? One poster who said the above ^^^ does this mean if he/she chooses to get remarried their new marriage will have less trust and special intimacy - even if it is a christian / >insert religion of choice here< marriage?

No, of course their sex, intimacy, etc. would not be any less meaningful. I can say that my husband is the man I was created to be with, but if something happened and he died, I am free to remarry. And, I'd love that person with just as much love. Although, I am not sure if I'd ever remarry personally. That is not to say one can't. If I truly love someone then I will trust them as it says in that definition of love I gave before. Thank you for asking.