Absence Before Marriage

What people's thoughts were about abstinence from sex before marriage?

Would you not date someone who pledged that life style? Too old fashioned?

Or would you feel like that was an admirable thing to do?

I'm replying before reading any other posts, so you're going to get the pure, straight dope from me.


I abstain. Other things I've done have me convinced sex will feel AWESOME. But I'm holding off until I'm married.


I would be lying if I said my faith system had nothing to do with it, but there are other factors. One of them was that, when my parent's had "the talk" with me (and I was only about 4 or 5 when they gave me the book "Where did I come from?"), the idea was that it was something a husband and wife did. They didn't say anything negative about having sex outside marriage. The idea that sex was something that happened between married people was simply allowed to be an understood element of my knowledge on the subject.


It was somewhat reinforced in my mid-twenties when I worked under a commander who was married but had not waited for marriage and he said "In my opinion, having sex outside marriage just isn't really worth it. I can't point to something in my life that is better because I operated that way."


But I've got more pragmatic reasons for it.

On one hand, I've seen the devestation that can come when one individual thinks the sex means something and the other person doesn't share that feeling. I had a very good friend who was badly burned when he thought the sex meant the relationship was serious but it turned out she basically just wanted to have some fun that night.

My main reason, however, is the fact that, In the course of my life, I've seen EVERY form of birth control fail. This includes a couple where both the man and woman had their respective tubes tied. So, even though the odds may be small, I look at sex with the recognition that conception is always possible. If I father a child, i'm going to commit to that child. Therefore, it only makes sense to hold off on taking that risk until I'm with a woman to whom I'm already committed.

I've also noticed that, when these surprise pregnancies happen, it seems that couples who were already committed who had the least trouble. One couple had two condom-babies. Decades later, they're doing fine. Their lives may not have taken the path they expected, but they haven't fallen apart by any means. My cousin impregnated a girl he was dating and married her as a result. They have made the marriage work, but it has taken a lot more effort because, while they've committed to each other, they weren't necessarily the best most natural matches for each other. Then, there was one young woman who was in extremely dire straits because she was a single mother who, among other things, hadn't been able to finish High School and was astranged from her family because the pregnancy was the result of her having an affair with a married man.


I also had a fairly extreme experience. Not long ago, I had to process and investigate a suicide of an indivual from our unit. In the process of trying to discover the reason why, we didn't find much about his life that stood out from any other member. But there was one thing. The results of his sexual behavior meant that he had fathered 3 children with 3 different women. This introduced a large amount of personal stress, to include the fact that they confirmed #2 was his after he'd married the mother of #3. It also meant he had a large amount of financial stress because his paycheck, with which it would be difficult to support a wife and single child, was forced to include two separate child support payments in additon to his family.


It's just my personal assessment, but I simply don't think a brief endorphine high is worth risking these headaches. It's not worth the headaches of paying child support or explaining the situation to my [hypothetical] wife. And I'm not going to make a woman put up with the stresses of being a single mother while raising a child I've fathered. If a woman's life is sidelined by a pregnancy, I'm not going to be the one who did it.


Then there's my emotional reason: Being in the military, I've wound up doing just about anything you can do with another human with people I've trained or worked with. That includes living, eating, going to the bathroom, showering (hooray, for gang showers), crying, cheering, looking to the future, thinking "there's a good chance I won't live to see tomorrow", and all that kind of stuff. I've made commitments that, at times, may even override any relationships I have had or will have in the future. I've even had deep, emotional experiences that I may not really be able to share with my wife if she hasn't been in the military.

So I want my wife to know that there's a part of me and my life that I've saved JUST FOR HER beyond filing jointly for taxes and social security. To me, sexual intimacy is that one gift I can safeguard.

---

Would I date someone who did not abstain?

Maybe, maybe not. To me, the issue is that there's a whole spectrum of behaviors that constitute sex before marriage. Someone who waited until she was engaged or in a very serious relationship doesn't worry me as much as someone who has made a habit of having sex with random partners on a weekly basis.

I know people can change. I've seen some who, as far as I know, have managed to remain faithful after having pre-marital sex with others. Still, my job as a cop has shown me that there are some leopards who don't change their spots as much as they may say, if at all.

I want to be able to know that, when Uncle Sam sends me around the world or something happens in my life that means I'm not there to be intimate with my wife, I don't need to worry about the possibility of her going back to her old ways. I hope that my wife would be able to take the fact that I've abstained from sex as a sign that I won't be playing around behind her back, either.

If you're someone who likes a lot of variety or leads a sexually active life before getting married, that's fine. You're just probably not the woman for me.

---

Do I think abstaining is admirable? Yes. I think it is a behavior that shows a form of personal discipline and self control.

I mentioned that I'm saving sex for my wife so that she has a special part of my life that I've shared ONLY with her. I'd like to think she has been able to do the same for me. One way I heard someone put it was like this: "Why should I wait until I'm married before I'm faithful to my spouse?"

What really saddens me is that out of all these comments, I haven't seen but 1 or 2 that mention God and what He says about sex before marriage. God says that sex before marriage is fornication and fornication is an abomination.. I think if people would just get back to God's word and what He says about things like this then the world wouldn't be in the shape its in now. Not only when it comes to premarital sex but everything else too. If you really love someone and they really love you then both of you should be willing to wait for each other.

If only we could all agree on what God said!

What really saddens me is that out of all these comments, I haven't seen but 1 or 2 that mention God and what He says about sex before marriage. God says that sex before marriage is fornication and fornication is an abomination.. I think if people would just get back to God's word and what He says about things like this then the world wouldn't be in the shape its in now. Not only when it comes to premarital sex but everything else too. If you really love someone and they really love you then both of you should be willing to wait for each other.

There was a time when the word of god was pretty much treated as the law of the land. It was called the dark ages.

Csuhar: :flowerforyou:


LBNOakland brings up an excellent point.
Life holds no guarantees.
I believe the assumption has been that we are all able bodied adults.

What if your husband is in a car accident, is paralyzed and can no longer "perform"?
What if your wife has a stroke and lives in a nursing home.

Obviously, they are no longer any "good" in bed.
Do you kick them to the curb and go looking for hotter prospects?

When we were first married, my husband told me that no matter what may happen to me he would always be by my side.
This means so much more to me than any "test drive" ever could.

I have been in a loving relationship for awhile, I told my boyfriend I wanted to wait until marriage(week 1). He is super supportive and doesn't pressure me at all. If, you want to wait it's a personal choice. Just find someone who loves you and understands you morals and you will be happy. As for all the saying about being compatible in sex lets just say everything takes practice. I think you are awesome for sticking to your personal beliefs good luck.

Csuhar: :flowerforyou:


LBNOakland brings up an excellent point.
Life holds no guarantees.
I believe the assumption has been that we are all able bodied adults.

What if your husband is in a car accident, is paralyzed and can no longer "perform"?
What if your wife has a stroke and lives in a nursing home.

Obviously, they are no longer any "good" in bed.
Do you kick them to the curb and go looking for hotter prospects?

When we were first married, my husband told me that no matter what may happen to me he would always be by my side.
This means so much more to me than any "test drive" ever could.

So you think that if something were to happen to my wife I would not be by her side? How does having sex before marriage mean that I will kick her to the curb if she is in an accident? You have some very harsh judgements of people who don't think just like you.

Abstinence before marriage makes as much sense to me as playing Russian Roulette. If you wanna play that game... go right ahead. I really do respect people who walk the walk, make it work. More power to you.

Personally, I think it's obsolete now. We have birth control and DNA tests and courts and laws - we don't need to socially sanction men and women (yes, BOTH -- you're fooling yourself if you think men don't get it too) anymore into chastity, just order to figure out who's baby belongs to who.

Csuhar: :flowerforyou:


LBNOakland brings up an excellent point.
Life holds no guarantees.
I believe the assumption has been that we are all able bodied adults.

What if your husband is in a car accident, is paralyzed and can no longer "perform"?
What if your wife has a stroke and lives in a nursing home.

Obviously, they are no longer any "good" in bed.
Do you kick them to the curb and go looking for hotter prospects?

When we were first married, my husband told me that no matter what may happen to me he would always be by my side.
This means so much more to me than any "test drive" ever could.

So you think that if something were to happen to my wife I would not be by her side? How does having sex before marriage mean that I will kick her to the curb if she is in an accident? You have some very harsh judgements of people who don't think just like you.

Well said. Sex does not equal morality.

What really saddens me is that out of all these comments, I haven't seen but 1 or 2 that mention God and what He says about sex before marriage. God says that sex before marriage is fornication and fornication is an abomination.. I think if people would just get back to God's word and what He says about things like this then the world wouldn't be in the shape its in now. Not only when it comes to premarital sex but everything else too. If you really love someone and they really love you then both of you should be willing to wait for each other.

You mean the God who hates gays, thinks it's ok that priests diddle boys, the God who will smote people just for fun or because they were "bad"?

Yeah, that's a guy I want to listen to.

To the OP: If you choose to abstain from sex before you get married then that's your choice and the more power to you.

I personally would not (and did not).

What really saddens me is that out of all these comments, I haven't seen but 1 or 2 that mention God and what He says about sex before marriage. God says that sex before marriage is fornication and fornication is an abomination.. I think if people would just get back to God's word and what He says about things like this then the world wouldn't be in the shape its in now. Not only when it comes to premarital sex but everything else too. If you really love someone and they really love you then both of you should be willing to wait for each other.

There was a time when the word of god was pretty much treated as the law of the land. It was called the dark ages.

Not everyone who abstains does it for God. I'm not abstaining because teh bible tells me sex before marriage is a sin. I'm abstaining because I dont' want to give up a part of myself to someone unless I'm ready. I think that doing it because someone else, no matter WHO that someone else is, isn't true. It's a lot easier to just look at yourself in the mirror and say that you're not ready, and you don't know when you'll be ready, but when you find the right guy you'll know, than to say 'Well God told me so, which means I have to.' That's how my cousin looked at it and she was six months pregnant at her wedding, she was only eighteen almost nineteen at the time, and she always tells me she's glad she waited for the man she was in love with, she doesn't regret that, she regrets promising to stay a virgin because the bible said she had to.