Online dating. WTH!

I'll play Devil's Advocate here. Are you telling me you'd be happy with a woman who doesn't work, has no career prospects and little money? Are you genuinely able to say "I don't care"? Most men can't - I know. I've been ill for a long, long time and my illness has pushed people away online and offline. I am not a "desirable" person to be with, basically. I DO agree that SOME women will look for those attributes but I also know that MEN look for certain parameters too, so it's not one sided.

When I was in this position, I was sought after. I did lose a fiance at the beginning of my illness who could not cope on many levels with my illness. Then the earth cracked open and the sky parted after I got over him, and the world was filled with men who COULD handle my set of circumstances at the time. Welcomed me with open arms. I had my pick. I picked well. YOU must not project your feelings onto the world around you or you will find exactly what you project. You MUST envision a person who will not only accept but WANT you the way you are and they will manifest. Give them the room to come into your life. They are out there. It's not only one. You must adjust yourself first though. To accept that person when he shows himself and to let yourself be who you currently are with no facades, or defenses based on your current discomfort with yourself. I had that and when I let that go and accepted my situation so did others. And then I understood myself better, and men.

Thank you for this - I will admit that I never struggled to find a "companion" - but admission of how bad my situation was (there is no easy way to say "Yep, I'm certified and in therapy" without sounding trite) usually ended somewhere along the line with issues - regardless of time period. But you are right, I was projecting my own problems onto others (I have BPD, so entirely in line with my condition). I have recently been diagnosed, so am trying to work through it, but I've been in the same relationship for 18 months, and for some reason he's stuck around. I say "some reason" - mainly because he has absolutely no idea what to do with me when I throw water over him (today) :grumble:

I'll play Devil's Advocate here. Are you telling me you'd be happy with a woman who doesn't work, has no career prospects and little money? Are you genuinely able to say "I don't care"?

YOU must not project your feelings onto the world around you or you will find exactly what you project. You MUST envision a person who will not only accept but WANT you the way you are and they will manifest. Give them the room to come into your life. They are out there. It's not only one. You must adjust yourself first though. To accept that person when he shows himself and to let yourself be who you currently are with no facades, or defenses based on your current discomfort with yourself. I had that and when I let that go and accepted my situation so did others. And then I understood myself better, and men.

:sad: :sad: :sad: :sad: :sad:

u both wrote this for me. for me on this very weekend. for what i have learned. not only in the past several days but also from what i have been living with for over a decade. u just recapped it in a concise, impactful way. thank you. unfortunately for me it is too late now this time around. maybe next time i will be stronger than my insecurities and not torpedo the f***ing thing before it starts.

thanks again. i'm off for a tissue now.



PS: re: OP: online dating is what it is and if you're heavy or ugly it probably sucks. if (like in my case) your town is smallish and it's all the same desperados on there all the time, it probably sucks. if you're any kind of attractive and have a decent personality with some brains and manners, you can probably be as successful as you want to be at it. if you want to lie and deceive ppl you can probably succeed there too. in my case i was pretty successful at sorting through the slim pickins within a 50-mi radius and deciding OD is not, after all, for me.

I have heard many guys say that a lot of women on the dating websites (i was on one for a couple of years), even if they dopost a full body picture, it must be years old, because then when they actually meet, it is NOTHING like the picture they posted, and usually not in a good way. I have seen profiles that don't exactly say "no fatties", but they guys make it clear that they want someone who has taken good care of their body... You could say "physical fitness is important to me, and I want someone who shares this"... Good luck to you my firnd, online dating is a nightmare, but like you, I have kids, a job, school, etc. and it was a necessary evil (3 years and still going with someone I met on an online dating website!)

I have never understood why people lie on their profiles.

my theory is that these are usually the same people who will want to chat with you via text/email/phone/carrier pigeon for forever and a day before meeting you in person, even if they live in the same city.

i suppose they think they can rope you in with their dazzling wit and charm than by the time you meet in person you'll overlook the fact that their pictures are 20 years old, they are 5 inches shorter, they have no teeth, etc.

OMG you wouldnt believe how many men i've met online who have no teeth an who supposedly have jobs with dental benefits :sad:

I have heard many guys say that a lot of women on the dating websites (i was on one for a couple of years), even if they dopost a full body picture, it must be years old, because then when they actually meet, it is NOTHING like the picture they posted, and usually not in a good way. I have seen profiles that don't exactly say "no fatties", but they guys make it clear that they want someone who has taken good care of their body... You could say "physical fitness is important to me, and I want someone who shares this"... Good luck to you my firnd, online dating is a nightmare, but like you, I have kids, a job, school, etc. and it was a necessary evil (3 years and still going with someone I met on an online dating website!)

I have never understood why people lie on their profiles.

my theory is that these are usually the same people who will want to chat with you via text/email/phone/carrier pigeon for forever and a day before meeting you in person, even if they live in the same city.

i suppose they think they can rope you in with their dazzling wit and charm than by the time you meet in person you'll overlook the fact that their pictures are 20 years old, they are 5 inches shorter, they have no teeth, etc.

OMG you wouldnt believe how many men i've met online who have no teeth an who supposedly have jobs with dental benefits :sad:

Well I'm never in a hurry to meet. I have weeded out many problems just through talking. Uusually unless he's a professional con man, the real person will come out. Lies, anger issues, insecurities. Thankfully I'm pretty happy on my own, which is why I was looking for dating only. I still believe the right person is out there, but I can wait until he comes along.

Blergh.

I use Plenty of Fish. Same issue. So many "average" body types that are 100+ over weight. There are options past that like "few extra ponds" big and tall"

The first thing in my profile talks about honesty. When they message me I don't think they get it. I actually don't mind weight on a women, I do mind the lie however.

see, that's why i prefer online dating.
i don't put any clear pics up, so they have no clue what i look like.
the guys who contact me tend to do so because they find what i wrote in my profile, my humour and my interests. i have interesting and fun relationships that way.
meeting guys offline... it's a case of transparent ''hey, you're pretty and slim and have big knockers! we must be soul mates.''

utterly pointless. whilst looks arn't everything, initial attraction is important. no pic, no chat, no matter how funny or articulate you may be. people hide themselves for a reason.

There are so many things missing with online dating. You can't see body language, hear tone of voice, see how the person behaves around people -- all very subtle things you notice about someone even watching from the other side of a bar or whatever. It's so easy to just dismiss someone online that in person you might be very attracted to in another situation. You go in with a list of what you want and don't want and dismiss people based on whether they fit or on a photo that might not even be very accurate (I am SO not photogenic!).

How true ... including the fact that you might be talking to a scammer! Dating sites are full of them -- some worse than others -- and the scammers who pose as 'the perfect man' tend to target older women, the overweight and shut-ins. Those who pretend to be pretty girls are almost always men too, and they target any and all men who like a 'hot chick'. You'd think that camming might keep you safe ... but scammers are very good with faked cam sessions.

The best way to spot a scammer is through his/her grammar and punctuation, though some are pretty slick and speak English quite well. Often they will tell you a sad story -- mom and dad are dead, wife/husband dead or messed around on them, etc. Another way is to have the person email you, and check his/her ip address. If it does not align with where the person claims to be, chances are you're being lied to.

Some scammers are so good that your first clue is when 'disaster' strikes and they ask for money. It's a shame, because even if you don't fall for the scam, often the feeling of betrayal runs deep.

Best advice: if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

I have heard many guys say that a lot of women on the dating websites (i was on one for a couple of years), even if they dopost a full body picture, it must be years old, because then when they actually meet, it is NOTHING like the picture they posted, and usually not in a good way. I have seen profiles that don't exactly say "no fatties", but they guys make it clear that they want someone who has taken good care of their body... You could say "physical fitness is important to me, and I want someone who shares this"... Good luck to you my firnd, online dating is a nightmare, but like you, I have kids, a job, school, etc. and it was a necessary evil (3 years and still going with someone I met on an online dating website!)

I have never understood why people lie on their profiles.

my theory is that these are usually the same people who will want to chat with you via text/email/phone/carrier pigeon for forever and a day before meeting you in person, even if they live in the same city.

i suppose they think they can rope you in with their dazzling wit and charm than by the time you meet in person you'll overlook the fact that their pictures are 20 years old, they are 5 inches shorter, they have no teeth, etc.

OMG you wouldnt believe how many men i've met online who have no teeth an who supposedly have jobs with dental benefits :sad:

Well I'm never in a hurry to meet. I have weeded out many problems just through talking. Uusually unless he's a professional con man, the real person will come out. Lies, anger issues, insecurities. Thankfully I'm pretty happy on my own, which is why I was looking for dating only. I still believe the right person is out there, but I can wait until he comes along.

that's geat that it works for you, but if i'm not mistaken you're female. so my theory is about GUYS since i'm not trying to date women via online, offline or any other line.

from my experience MEN who live close but who want to spend time emailing, texting, chatting and not meeting in person have things to hide : married, lied about age, lied about height, etc.

I don't know. I also got the guys who wanted to meet after one email. Just never understood the rush. I would have no problem meeting after a few phone calls but these guys would literally email and ask to meet that night.

I have heard many guys say that a lot of women on the dating websites (i was on one for a couple of years), even if they dopost a full body picture, it must be years old, because then when they actually meet, it is NOTHING like the picture they posted, and usually not in a good way. I have seen profiles that don't exactly say "no fatties", but they guys make it clear that they want someone who has taken good care of their body... You could say "physical fitness is important to me, and I want someone who shares this"... Good luck to you my firnd, online dating is a nightmare, but like you, I have kids, a job, school, etc. and it was a necessary evil (3 years and still going with someone I met on an online dating website!)

I have never understood why people lie on their profiles.

my theory is that these are usually the same people who will want to chat with you via text/email/phone/carrier pigeon for forever and a day before meeting you in person, even if they live in the same city.

i suppose they think they can rope you in with their dazzling wit and charm than by the time you meet in person you'll overlook the fact that their pictures are 20 years old, they are 5 inches shorter, they have no teeth, etc.

OMG you wouldnt believe how many men i've met online who have no teeth an who supposedly have jobs with dental benefits :sad:

Well I'm never in a hurry to meet. I have weeded out many problems just through talking. Uusually unless he's a professional con man, the real person will come out. Lies, anger issues, insecurities. Thankfully I'm pretty happy on my own, which is why I was looking for dating only. I still believe the right person is out there, but I can wait until he comes along.

that's geat that it works for you, but if i'm not mistaken you're female. so my theory is about GUYS since i'm not trying to date women via online, offline or any other line.

from my experience MEN who live close but who want to spend time emailing, texting, chatting and not meeting in person have things to hide : married, lied about age, lied about height, etc.

I don't know. I also got the guys who wanted to meet after one email. Just never understood the rush. I would have no problem meeting after a few phone calls but these guys would literally email and ask to meet that night.

Why not? You can get to know people much easier in person. If you met any way but online, you wouldn't spend weeks or months e-mailing and talking on the phone before going on a date.

Obviously, drive separately and meet in a very public place, though. In both cases.

Actually if I did meet someone, say at a concert, I would talk with them on the phone before we went out on a date. Maybe not weeks, but I wouldn't go out with them the next night either.