Online dating. WTH!
Replies
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wait a sec... let me get this straight... you're not even divorced yet??? Yes you joined an online dating site and are more worried about what hair color they have before you'll date them?
Just going by your profile...
I sense a lot of anger on your profile write up and also on your thread post... could this be why you're not finding what you're looking for? Getting divorced BEFORE dating works best for most and then taking some time after to see what could be improved upon and why the breakup happened.
shrugs...0 -
I'll play Devil's Advocate here. Are you telling me you'd be happy with a woman who doesn't work, has no career prospects and little money? Are you genuinely able to say "I don't care"? Most men can't - I know. I've been ill for a long, long time and my illness has pushed people away online and offline. I am not a "desirable" person to be with, basically. I DO agree that SOME women will look for those attributes but I also know that MEN look for certain parameters too, so it's not one sided.
Thank you for this - I will admit that I never struggled to find a "companion" - but admission of how bad my situation was (there is no easy way to say "Yep, I'm certified and in therapy" without sounding trite) usually ended somewhere along the line with issues - regardless of time period. But you are right, I was projecting my own problems onto others (I have BPD, so entirely in line with my condition). I have recently been diagnosed, so am trying to work through it, but I've been in the same relationship for 18 months, and for some reason he's stuck around. I say "some reason" - mainly because he has absolutely no idea what to do with me when I throw water over him (today) :grumble:0 -
by the way, what is wrong with someone being upfront about "actively seeking a relationship"?
I guess I just look at it as if it happens, it happens.
And actively seeking a relationship tells me you are going to try and force the issue and/or try to move things more quickly than they should move.
While I agree 'if it happens, it happens' there is absolutely no point in wasting time with a guy who will never marry, if marry is on your 'wish' list. Same with kids. I WILL NOT have anymore kids, so would it be fair of me to say 'undecided/open' and lead them along? no, so I think with kids and relationship desires one needs to be upfront.0 -
I'll play Devil's Advocate here. Are you telling me you'd be happy with a woman who doesn't work, has no career prospects and little money? Are you genuinely able to say "I don't care"?
:sad: :sad: :sad: :sad: :sad:
u both wrote this for me. for me on this very weekend. for what i have learned. not only in the past several days but also from what i have been living with for over a decade. u just recapped it in a concise, impactful way. thank you. unfortunately for me it is too late now this time around. maybe next time i will be stronger than my insecurities and not torpedo the f***ing thing before it starts.
thanks again. i'm off for a tissue now.
PS: re: OP: online dating is what it is and if you're heavy or ugly it probably sucks. if (like in my case) your town is smallish and it's all the same desperados on there all the time, it probably sucks. if you're any kind of attractive and have a decent personality with some brains and manners, you can probably be as successful as you want to be at it. if you want to lie and deceive ppl you can probably succeed there too. in my case i was pretty successful at sorting through the slim pickins within a 50-mi radius and deciding OD is not, after all, for me.0 -
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I'll play Devil's Advocate here. Are you telling me you'd be happy with a woman who doesn't work, has no career prospects and little money? Are you genuinely able to say "I don't care"? Most men can't - I know. I've been ill for a long, long time and my illness has pushed people away online and offline. I am not a "desirable" person to be with, basically. I DO agree that SOME women will look for those attributes but I also know that MEN look for certain parameters too, so it's not one sided.
If she is hot, she can get away with a lot, not having job is one of those things.0 -
I have heard many guys say that a lot of women on the dating websites (i was on one for a couple of years), even if they dopost a full body picture, it must be years old, because then when they actually meet, it is NOTHING like the picture they posted, and usually not in a good way. I have seen profiles that don't exactly say "no fatties", but they guys make it clear that they want someone who has taken good care of their body... You could say "physical fitness is important to me, and I want someone who shares this"... Good luck to you my firnd, online dating is a nightmare, but like you, I have kids, a job, school, etc. and it was a necessary evil (3 years and still going with someone I met on an online dating website!)
I have never understood why people lie on their profiles.
my theory is that these are usually the same people who will want to chat with you via text/email/phone/carrier pigeon for forever and a day before meeting you in person, even if they live in the same city.
i suppose they think they can rope you in with their dazzling wit and charm than by the time you meet in person you'll overlook the fact that their pictures are 20 years old, they are 5 inches shorter, they have no teeth, etc.
OMG you wouldnt believe how many men i've met online who have no teeth an who supposedly have jobs with dental benefits :sad:0 -
wait a sec... let me get this straight... you're not even divorced yet??? Yes you joined an online dating site and are more worried about what hair color they have before you'll date them?
Just going by your profile...
I sense a lot of anger on your profile write up and also on your thread post... could this be why you're not finding what you're looking for? Getting divorced BEFORE dating works best for most and then taking some time after to see what could be improved upon and why the breakup happened.
shrugs...
Zing! I totally missed that! Excellent Point!0 -
I have heard many guys say that a lot of women on the dating websites (i was on one for a couple of years), even if they dopost a full body picture, it must be years old, because then when they actually meet, it is NOTHING like the picture they posted, and usually not in a good way. I have seen profiles that don't exactly say "no fatties", but they guys make it clear that they want someone who has taken good care of their body... You could say "physical fitness is important to me, and I want someone who shares this"... Good luck to you my firnd, online dating is a nightmare, but like you, I have kids, a job, school, etc. and it was a necessary evil (3 years and still going with someone I met on an online dating website!)
I have never understood why people lie on their profiles.
my theory is that these are usually the same people who will want to chat with you via text/email/phone/carrier pigeon for forever and a day before meeting you in person, even if they live in the same city.
i suppose they think they can rope you in with their dazzling wit and charm than by the time you meet in person you'll overlook the fact that their pictures are 20 years old, they are 5 inches shorter, they have no teeth, etc.
OMG you wouldnt believe how many men i've met online who have no teeth an who supposedly have jobs with dental benefits :sad:
Well I'm never in a hurry to meet. I have weeded out many problems just through talking. Uusually unless he's a professional con man, the real person will come out. Lies, anger issues, insecurities. Thankfully I'm pretty happy on my own, which is why I was looking for dating only. I still believe the right person is out there, but I can wait until he comes along.0 -
OMG you wouldnt believe how many men i've met online who have no teeth an who supposedly have jobs with dental benefits :sad:
WTF mate? is that really an issue online daters deal with? Man, I need to go hug my entire family for nurturing my outgoing personality.0 -
Blergh.0
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wait a sec... let me get this straight... you're not even divorced yet??? Yes you joined an online dating site and are more worried about what hair color they have before you'll date them?
Just going by your profile...
I sense a lot of anger on your profile write up and also on your thread post... could this be why you're not finding what you're looking for? Getting divorced BEFORE dating works best for most and then taking some time after to see what could be improved upon and why the breakup happened.
shrugs...
Zing! I totally missed that! Excellent Point!
As for not divorced yet, well, my parents were separated and living in different cities for YEARS before they bothered with a divorce. My best friend did the same thing and only got divorced because her ex was going to marry someone else.0 -
I use Plenty of Fish. Same issue. So many "average" body types that are 100+ over weight. There are options past that like "few extra ponds" big and tall"
The first thing in my profile talks about honesty. When they message me I don't think they get it. I actually don't mind weight on a women, I do mind the lie however.0 -
...ha! i totally get the smell thing. a guy has to smell right...
This is absolutely key. The neck and chest area are great sniffing spots.
(And I mean his natural smell, not the smell of all that perfume crap some of them like to spray all over.)0 -
see, that's why i prefer online dating.
i don't put any clear pics up, so they have no clue what i look like.
the guys who contact me tend to do so because they find what i wrote in my profile, my humour and my interests. i have interesting and fun relationships that way.
meeting guys offline... it's a case of transparent ''hey, you're pretty and slim and have big knockers! we must be soul mates.''
utterly pointless. whilst looks arn't everything, initial attraction is important. no pic, no chat, no matter how funny or articulate you may be. people hide themselves for a reason.0 -
I guess my issue is that it would suck to get to know someone via talking, actually like them, then meet them and not be attracted to them AT ALL.
That could happen even if they were conventionally attractive and of the right body size in their pictures. You can't expect to lock these things up before actually meeting a person, no matter how charming they are on online. Unless you only want a virtual girlfriend, in which case, what would it matter what type of body she has?0 -
There are so many things missing with online dating. You can't see body language, hear tone of voice, see how the person behaves around people -- all very subtle things you notice about someone even watching from the other side of a bar or whatever. It's so easy to just dismiss someone online that in person you might be very attracted to in another situation. You go in with a list of what you want and don't want and dismiss people based on whether they fit or on a photo that might not even be very accurate (I am SO not photogenic!).
The best way to spot a scammer is through his/her grammar and punctuation, though some are pretty slick and speak English quite well. Often they will tell you a sad story -- mom and dad are dead, wife/husband dead or messed around on them, etc. Another way is to have the person email you, and check his/her ip address. If it does not align with where the person claims to be, chances are you're being lied to.
Some scammers are so good that your first clue is when 'disaster' strikes and they ask for money. It's a shame, because even if you don't fall for the scam, often the feeling of betrayal runs deep.
Best advice: if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.0 -
I have heard many guys say that a lot of women on the dating websites (i was on one for a couple of years), even if they dopost a full body picture, it must be years old, because then when they actually meet, it is NOTHING like the picture they posted, and usually not in a good way. I have seen profiles that don't exactly say "no fatties", but they guys make it clear that they want someone who has taken good care of their body... You could say "physical fitness is important to me, and I want someone who shares this"... Good luck to you my firnd, online dating is a nightmare, but like you, I have kids, a job, school, etc. and it was a necessary evil (3 years and still going with someone I met on an online dating website!)
I have never understood why people lie on their profiles.
my theory is that these are usually the same people who will want to chat with you via text/email/phone/carrier pigeon for forever and a day before meeting you in person, even if they live in the same city.
i suppose they think they can rope you in with their dazzling wit and charm than by the time you meet in person you'll overlook the fact that their pictures are 20 years old, they are 5 inches shorter, they have no teeth, etc.
OMG you wouldnt believe how many men i've met online who have no teeth an who supposedly have jobs with dental benefits :sad:
Well I'm never in a hurry to meet. I have weeded out many problems just through talking. Uusually unless he's a professional con man, the real person will come out. Lies, anger issues, insecurities. Thankfully I'm pretty happy on my own, which is why I was looking for dating only. I still believe the right person is out there, but I can wait until he comes along.
that's geat that it works for you, but if i'm not mistaken you're female. so my theory is about GUYS since i'm not trying to date women via online, offline or any other line.
from my experience MEN who live close but who want to spend time emailing, texting, chatting and not meeting in person have things to hide : married, lied about age, lied about height, etc.0 -
I have heard many guys say that a lot of women on the dating websites (i was on one for a couple of years), even if they dopost a full body picture, it must be years old, because then when they actually meet, it is NOTHING like the picture they posted, and usually not in a good way. I have seen profiles that don't exactly say "no fatties", but they guys make it clear that they want someone who has taken good care of their body... You could say "physical fitness is important to me, and I want someone who shares this"... Good luck to you my firnd, online dating is a nightmare, but like you, I have kids, a job, school, etc. and it was a necessary evil (3 years and still going with someone I met on an online dating website!)
I have never understood why people lie on their profiles.
my theory is that these are usually the same people who will want to chat with you via text/email/phone/carrier pigeon for forever and a day before meeting you in person, even if they live in the same city.
i suppose they think they can rope you in with their dazzling wit and charm than by the time you meet in person you'll overlook the fact that their pictures are 20 years old, they are 5 inches shorter, they have no teeth, etc.
OMG you wouldnt believe how many men i've met online who have no teeth an who supposedly have jobs with dental benefits :sad:
Well I'm never in a hurry to meet. I have weeded out many problems just through talking. Uusually unless he's a professional con man, the real person will come out. Lies, anger issues, insecurities. Thankfully I'm pretty happy on my own, which is why I was looking for dating only. I still believe the right person is out there, but I can wait until he comes along.
that's geat that it works for you, but if i'm not mistaken you're female. so my theory is about GUYS since i'm not trying to date women via online, offline or any other line.
from my experience MEN who live close but who want to spend time emailing, texting, chatting and not meeting in person have things to hide : married, lied about age, lied about height, etc.
I don't know. I also got the guys who wanted to meet after one email. Just never understood the rush. I would have no problem meeting after a few phone calls but these guys would literally email and ask to meet that night.0 -
I have heard many guys say that a lot of women on the dating websites (i was on one for a couple of years), even if they dopost a full body picture, it must be years old, because then when they actually meet, it is NOTHING like the picture they posted, and usually not in a good way. I have seen profiles that don't exactly say "no fatties", but they guys make it clear that they want someone who has taken good care of their body... You could say "physical fitness is important to me, and I want someone who shares this"... Good luck to you my firnd, online dating is a nightmare, but like you, I have kids, a job, school, etc. and it was a necessary evil (3 years and still going with someone I met on an online dating website!)
I have never understood why people lie on their profiles.
my theory is that these are usually the same people who will want to chat with you via text/email/phone/carrier pigeon for forever and a day before meeting you in person, even if they live in the same city.
i suppose they think they can rope you in with their dazzling wit and charm than by the time you meet in person you'll overlook the fact that their pictures are 20 years old, they are 5 inches shorter, they have no teeth, etc.
OMG you wouldnt believe how many men i've met online who have no teeth an who supposedly have jobs with dental benefits :sad:
Well I'm never in a hurry to meet. I have weeded out many problems just through talking. Uusually unless he's a professional con man, the real person will come out. Lies, anger issues, insecurities. Thankfully I'm pretty happy on my own, which is why I was looking for dating only. I still believe the right person is out there, but I can wait until he comes along.
that's geat that it works for you, but if i'm not mistaken you're female. so my theory is about GUYS since i'm not trying to date women via online, offline or any other line.
from my experience MEN who live close but who want to spend time emailing, texting, chatting and not meeting in person have things to hide : married, lied about age, lied about height, etc.
I don't know. I also got the guys who wanted to meet after one email. Just never understood the rush. I would have no problem meeting after a few phone calls but these guys would literally email and ask to meet that night.
Obviously, drive separately and meet in a very public place, though. In both cases.0 -
I have heard many guys say that a lot of women on the dating websites (i was on one for a couple of years), even if they dopost a full body picture, it must be years old, because then when they actually meet, it is NOTHING like the picture they posted, and usually not in a good way. I have seen profiles that don't exactly say "no fatties", but they guys make it clear that they want someone who has taken good care of their body... You could say "physical fitness is important to me, and I want someone who shares this"... Good luck to you my firnd, online dating is a nightmare, but like you, I have kids, a job, school, etc. and it was a necessary evil (3 years and still going with someone I met on an online dating website!)
I have never understood why people lie on their profiles.
my theory is that these are usually the same people who will want to chat with you via text/email/phone/carrier pigeon for forever and a day before meeting you in person, even if they live in the same city.
i suppose they think they can rope you in with their dazzling wit and charm than by the time you meet in person you'll overlook the fact that their pictures are 20 years old, they are 5 inches shorter, they have no teeth, etc.
OMG you wouldnt believe how many men i've met online who have no teeth an who supposedly have jobs with dental benefits :sad:
Well I'm never in a hurry to meet. I have weeded out many problems just through talking. Uusually unless he's a professional con man, the real person will come out. Lies, anger issues, insecurities. Thankfully I'm pretty happy on my own, which is why I was looking for dating only. I still believe the right person is out there, but I can wait until he comes along.
that's geat that it works for you, but if i'm not mistaken you're female. so my theory is about GUYS since i'm not trying to date women via online, offline or any other line.
from my experience MEN who live close but who want to spend time emailing, texting, chatting and not meeting in person have things to hide : married, lied about age, lied about height, etc.
I don't know. I also got the guys who wanted to meet after one email. Just never understood the rush. I would have no problem meeting after a few phone calls but these guys would literally email and ask to meet that night.
Obviously, drive separately and meet in a very public place, though. In both cases.
Actually if I did meet someone, say at a concert, I would talk with them on the phone before we went out on a date. Maybe not weeks, but I wouldn't go out with them the next night either.0 -
Yeah, but working = money, which is integral to life, really. Therefore, you stating that women are out to nest and are bothered by the amount of money a man earns at the same time as saying it's a "gender" issue is a bit hypocritical. If you were given two identical people, one with no money and one with £100k in the bank, you'd take the richer one because it's human nature. I'm not condemning or supporting women who do this because it's always been against my principles, but I think it's a slightly unfair statement to say we are, in the majority, looking to nest and get ourselves a fella with a good job.
The "if she's hot" comment was probably in jest, but if not - ugh, I'm not even going to bother.
I wouldn't say it was "normal" - I would say it occurs far more than you seem to experience.
Women do want to "nest" at a certain age - the formal term is hypergamy. It could be rooted in biology as some surmise, but i think it is more of a cultural thing; kind of the vestige of the past. I wouldn't choose the richer woman; I would choose the virtuous and beautiful one. Virtue is far more important than social status or money. You can try to justify your hypergamous tendencies all you want, but you're just deluding yourself.
Physical beauty is very important in the beginning, I mean it can cloud your thought process with lust. This can lead to bedding and dating someone who is absolutely f^%%^$ crazy, an emotional wreck and at worst like Jodi Arias.0 -
I look at the guys on the sites...and wonder "if they are so great, why are they on here"? Of course, the opposite could be said too. I am not sure I would meet anyone off of a dating site, but it does work for some people, so who's to say?0
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Yes.
Sometimes people, when online dating, present themselves a bit more favorably in order to attract the opposite sex.
I guess I'm not really sure why you're surprised by this.0 -
...ha! i totally get the smell thing. a guy has to smell right...
This is absolutely key. The neck and chest area are great sniffing spots.
(And I mean his natural smell, not the smell of all that perfume crap some of them like to spray all over.)
What is your favorite men's cologne? James Bond 007? Smell is extremely important. i mean the sense of smell is very emotional and nostalgic, do you ever remember what you use to feel as a child just for a fleeting second like when you smell the grass and freshly blooming trees and flowers on the first days of spring? It's poetry and tragic because the feeling disperses so quickly.0 -
The "a few extra pounds" thing goes both ways for sure. I am sure plenty of women lie about their size, I mean let's be honest...a few extra pounds is different than 75 pounds over weight. But, men do the exact same thing. In fact, I would guess that perhaps men do it more. Many men put "average", yet it is obvious they are very over weight as well. And there are bigger men who like to say they are muscular or athletic, but their large arm size is not due to their bicep!
Saying that, I know not everyone does that, so you can't lump everyone together. There are plenty of people who are honest about their size, and they are plenty who are not as well. Don't worry about it, if you don't like what you see move on. I personally listed my body type as "a few extra pounds". I have went on dates and the guys ask me why I put that, so I explain that it is because I am not super skinny. I am curvy as I see it, and could definitely stand to lose a few pounds. I have also had men write me nasty emails before we even met, telling me that I shouldn't put that I like to work out on my profile...because "fat girls don't work out." I guess everyone's idea of "a few extra pounds" is different.0 -
I have heard many guys say that a lot of women on the dating websites (i was on one for a couple of years), even if they dopost a full body picture, it must be years old, because then when they actually meet, it is NOTHING like the picture they posted, and usually not in a good way. I have seen profiles that don't exactly say "no fatties", but they guys make it clear that they want someone who has taken good care of their body... You could say "physical fitness is important to me, and I want someone who shares this"... Good luck to you my firnd, online dating is a nightmare, but like you, I have kids, a job, school, etc. and it was a necessary evil (3 years and still going with someone I met on an online dating website!)
I have never understood why people lie on their profiles.
my theory is that these are usually the same people who will want to chat with you via text/email/phone/carrier pigeon for forever and a day before meeting you in person, even if they live in the same city.
i suppose they think they can rope you in with their dazzling wit and charm than by the time you meet in person you'll overlook the fact that their pictures are 20 years old, they are 5 inches shorter, they have no teeth, etc.
OMG you wouldnt believe how many men i've met online who have no teeth an who supposedly have jobs with dental benefits :sad:
Well I'm never in a hurry to meet. I have weeded out many problems just through talking. Uusually unless he's a professional con man, the real person will come out. Lies, anger issues, insecurities. Thankfully I'm pretty happy on my own, which is why I was looking for dating only. I still believe the right person is out there, but I can wait until he comes along.
that's geat that it works for you, but if i'm not mistaken you're female. so my theory is about GUYS since i'm not trying to date women via online, offline or any other line.
from my experience MEN who live close but who want to spend time emailing, texting, chatting and not meeting in person have things to hide : married, lied about age, lied about height, etc.
I don't know. I also got the guys who wanted to meet after one email. Just never understood the rush. I would have no problem meeting after a few phone calls but these guys would literally email and ask to meet that night.
Obviously, drive separately and meet in a very public place, though. In both cases.
Actually if I did meet someone, say at a concert, I would talk with them on the phone before we went out on a date. Maybe not weeks, but I wouldn't go out with them the next night either.0 -
Yes.
Sometimes people, when online dating, present themselves a bit more favorably in order to attract the opposite sex.
I guess I'm not really sure why you're surprised by this.
Thank god my girlfriend turned out to be hot.0 -
I look at the guys on the sites...and wonder "if they are so great, why are they on here"? Of course, the opposite could be said too. I am not sure I would meet anyone off of a dating site, but it does work for some people, so who's to say?
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Personally I've always been a shy person, so approaching a guy was a big no way. I've come out of my shell a lot but I'm still not a big flirt. I also have a 10 year old daughter at home, so I don't go out nearly as much. Can't speak for anyone else.0 -
I think that men are more likely to just want sex so perhaps my statement needs a little clarification: men more likely just want sex and maybe a partner. I think women more likely want a partner and maybe sex
I think it's biological.0 -
What happened to approaching a person and saying hello!!
Online dating is like finding a needle in a haystack!!!0
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